Spacebar Second Stage
by Jemu Nekketsu
Summary: The second season to the highly unsuccessful Spacebar Adventures. Abandon all hope, all ye who wish to keep thine sanity.
1. Spacebar Second Stage

Spacebar Second Stage: Evang Takes Over  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
{STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY.}  
  
They say that there are many versions of truth, and thus many versions of reality. But is it truth when what you see, what you hear, what you feel, is just totally unthinkable, seemingly unreal at times? Does art imitate life, or the other way around?  
  
Evang: What the hell is going on in here? Who paid for this heavy, gritty, matrix-like opening spiel from some invisible guy anyway?  
  
BOS: Can a guy wax poetic, or philosophical at times around here?  
  
Evang: You're a computer, BOS. An artificial intelligence. We may refer to you as a guy, you may think of yourself as one of the guys, but let's face it, sentience does not equal sex. Ergo, you're not a guy. How's that for philosophical?  
  
Gai: Did someone just call me?  
  
BOS: Yeah. There's a delivery guy with a package for you outside bulkhead #5. His shuttle has a Gekiganger logo onit, or something.  
  
Gai: Yes! It's finally arrived! My Gekiganger V master grade model! (Hurries out of the Main Lounge, singing.) Gan gan ga gan gan ga gan...  
  
Seconds later, muffled screams and a muted pop could be heard.  
  
Evang: Bulkhead #5 connects directly to the space-walk platform.  
  
BOS: I know.  
  
Evang: Did Gai know?  
  
BOS: Let's just say that guy never knew what hit him.  
  
Evang: Like he'd believe something so sci-fi like internal pressure seeking to equalize the external pressure.  
  
BOS: Yeah.  
  
Evang: You're one sick bastard, BOS.  
  
BOS: I know. And guess what? I feel no remorse. That's what I love about being a machine. You just feel rhythm, no emotion. Just communication.  
  
(Cue in opening music here. It's Yumi Matsuzawa's "You Get To Burning", but the movie is a bunch of old and not so old super robot clips showing the metal monsters executing their final attacks.)  
  
Next scene: All black, except for a spotlight trained to a place on the floor. Footsteps. Evang steps into the lighted patch, his red robes catching the light and reflecting some of it, while being simultaneously highlighted.  
  
Evang: Due to a recent static shock produced by yours truly, BOS will be temporarily off-line as punishment for gross misuse of opening song titles. We hope that you will continue to read on despite the unfortunate absence of our sarcastic neigborhood AI. Thank you, and enjoy. (Takes a bow as the light dims, then totally goes out.)  
  
Next scene: Looks like a courtroom drama set. Crowd, jury, judge, lawyers, the works. It would all be so mundane, save for the fact that everyone in the room was an anime character or a cliche.  
  
Yoneda (AKA Da Judge): Have you reached a verdict?  
  
Gort: Yes we have, Your Honor.  
  
Yoneda: Well? What does the jury say?  
  
Gort: The jury finds the accused, Tenkawa Akito and Ohgami Ichiro --  
  
Fujieda Ayame: Both big, lousy, good for nothing pedophilic perverts!!!  
  
Yoneda: (Pounding his gavel above the laughter of the crowd.) So tell us something we don't know already.  
  
Ayame: Um, spiky hair is a sign of perversion?  
  
More laughter from the crowd. Yoneda sighed. This was going to be one of those days.  
  
Yoneda: Mr. Holy, you were saying?  
  
Gort: We find the defendants, not guilty for the numerous counts of child abuse they were accused of.  
  
Yoneda: The reason being...?  
  
Gort: Said acts occurred in a hentai doujinshi setting. And we all know what that means...  
  
Yoneda: Alright, they're not guilty, case dismissed, blablabla, now get outta here and let me get a drink. (Pulls out a flask from underneath his robes and takes a swig.) Ah! Just what I needed! I think I'll take another one, yes.  
  
Exiting the [kangaroo] courtroom, the former defendants, with their respective lawyers, were met with flashbulbs, microphones, and of course questions.  
  
"Mr. Tenkawa, is it true your wife is planning a divorce despite your being innocent?"  
  
"No comment."  
  
"Mr. Ohgami, how do you think your sister would react upon learning of this event?"  
  
"No comment."  
  
"Question for Mr. Tenkawa. Do you have a fetish for underdeveloped girls and double ponytails?"  
  
"That piece of shit doesn't need to be answered by my client, nor would it be asked by any respectable, credible journalist."  
  
"Mr. Ohgami! Is it true that your being assigned to a newly-formed anti-demon assault squad in Southeast Asia is a result of your superiors' displeasure over this scandal?"  
  
"I think, lady, that you're interviewing the wrong person here. Go talk to my client's superiors and get it from the horses' mouths."  
  
(Whiteout. Clear, then camera shows Main Lounge, its patrons removing some funky VR headsets and gloves.)  
  
Ichiro: So, that's how the 21st century justice system works?  
  
Evang: Not exactly. It's based on a 20th century drama show, were this team of lawyers have to face different issues every week. So how does it feel do be sort of on stage?  
  
Ichiro: How does it feel to sit your ass on a frying pan with live coals beneath it?  
  
Akito: Come on, Gai, you know I couldn't do a thing like that!  
  
Gai: Do I? It just came to me that while we share some things in common, I don't really know you that much. After all, we've just worked together for what, three episodes? (To Yurika.) I feel sorry for you, kancho. Really.  
  
Yurika: Iiiiiiiyaaaaaaaahhh!!! (Starts pounding on Akito with her fists.) AKITO NO HENTAI!!!  
  
Ichiro: Wow, look at her lay it all out on him! Poor Akito.  
  
Evang: That's because she really loves him.  
  
Ichiro: (Wincing as Yurika's knee found a very sensitive target.) Now, that's got to hurt.  
  
Evang: All the more proof that her love is -- hey, why're you getting into your Mk. II?  
  
Ichiro: Call it a premonition. (Seals his Koubu and vents some steam.) Good to go.  
  
Ayame: There he is, girls! Get him!  
  
Teikoku Kagekidan: Death to the voyeur! Kill the pedophile!!  
  
Ichiro: (Running around in his Koubu and dodging attacks left and right.) Hey, cut it out, man! I'm starting to look like a running gag, for crying out loud!  
  
Evang: (Whips out a crystal ball and speaks to it.) What's the punishment here for bad puns?  
  
Jemu: (Speaking from the ball.) Do as you see fit. I'm in academic mode right now, so I won't be appearing for a while.  
  
Evang: Ah, music to my ears.  
  
Jemu: I kinda figured that out. Later. (Signs off.)  
  
Evang: (Noticing that Ichiro is still in the running.) Hah! Time to test my summoning skills again!*  
  
(Closes his eyes.) Targets visualized. Destination set! Third sentence in otherwise useless chant, completed! OPEN GATE!!!!  
  
*The only other time Evang decided to use his summoning spells, well, see a previous SpaceBar episode.*  
  
Ichiro thought he would make it to the door before any of the frustrated females [Nope, they're not frantic. Yet... =)] got in a lucky shot and crippled his unit. So intent he was on escaping, that he failed to notice Akito heading in his direction. The cook, too, was fleeing from an angry mob. Thankfully, none of the mob members had any AK-47s. (But if you've seen how good a certain green-haired tomboy is with her gut punches...)  
  
Ichiro: #@|!^ hell! Look out!!!  
  
Akito: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
  
It was sheer luck that no body-mangling collision occurred. Or maybe it was just a simple plot device, meant to be a set-up for a worse one still to come.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Akito: I'm betting it's the latter one.  
  
Ichiro: Don't tell me, you have a bad feeling about this.  
  
Evang: (Using a cardboard megaphone.) Hello???! Weren't you two in the middle of a chase scene?  
  
Akito: Oh. Right.  
  
Ichiro: No rest for the wicked, eh?  
  
Akito: For crying out loud, man, we were innocent!  
  
Ichiro: When did this episode turn into a "spiky-haired protagonist-bashing episode," huh?  
  
Akito: I think he's just jealous because he hasn't gotten laid.  
  
Evang: (Rising angrily from the director's chair.) THAT'S IT!!!  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
A Handy Portal (TM) opened above Akito's and Ichiro's heads, dumping the battle-ready French Hanagumi on them. Ichiro was fortunate enough to be in a Koubu. Akito, however, was not. Still, the impact was enough to stun Ichiro, and with both of them pinned by the French Koubu units, their respective persecutors caught up with them and ripped them to shreds.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Akito: That is SO LAME.  
  
Ichiro: Yup.  
  
Akito: I thought episode 14 was supposed to be another "It all starts with a drinking session" episode.  
  
Evang: You want a drinking episode? You'll get one. How does a roomful of vampires sound?  
  
Gai: No, don't do that!  
  
Evang: You're back, I see.  
  
Gai: Don't do the vampire bit! Vampires suck, or don't you know?  
  
Evang: Are you hoping for another quick decompression, Daigouji? (To the others.) So, how about this, no vampires, just lycanthropes?  
  
Ichiro: Do I get a silver-edged saber and a carton of silver pistol rounds?  
  
Evang: No.  
  
Ichiro: I'll pass, then.  
  
Evang: Fine. Get the hell out of here, then! I don't need you.  
  
Akito: Hah! If we're not here, who are you going to make fun of?  
  
Ichiro: You'll be alone! No BOS, no Jemu, you'll be bored brainless!  
  
Evang: I won't. Now either go with my flow, or get out of here.  
  
Ichiro: Hah! Make us, you prick!  
  
Evang: Glad you said that. Makes it so much easier, it does.  
  
Evang extended his hand toward Ichiro, and Ichiro felt as if his very breath was being drawn out of his lungs by an invisible tube. Akito watched in horror as Ichiro fell to his knees, clutching his throat, as a stream of crackling blue energy flowed from Ichiro's mouth to Evang's palm. A few seconds later, the enrgy vanished, and Ichiro collapsed to the floor without a word coming from him throughout the entire ordeal.  
  
Evang: You will respect my authority!  
  
Akito: You and what army? GEKIGAN FLARE!!!  
  
Akito pulled his fist back and prepared to leap, but a hand on his nape delivered 220 volts of electricity to his spine. The cook crumpled to the floor, slightly smoking.  
  
Sada-chan: I hate it when women are taken for granted. You don't mind if I borrowed your power, do you?  
  
Evang: (More to himself.) I have it back, then. The lightning I lent to Ohgami last season. I feel... whole.  
  
Sada-chan: Are you okay? Want me to send these two back for you? You sound, I don't know, weird.  
  
Evang: Everything's normal, then. But go ahead, don't let me spoil your fun.   
  
Sada-chan: (Sighs.) And they say gentlemen are extinct now. (Raises a well, drops the two bodies into it, and makes the well disappear back into the floor.) So what are we going to do now?  
  
Evang: (Heading out of the studio for the Main Lounge.) Like I said earlier, we'll be having a drinking party.  
  
Sada-chan: (Falling into step beside him.) I thought you didn't drink? And you just sent a couple of guys off.  
  
Evang: (Raising an eyevrow.) Don't you believe in magic, my dear?  
  
(Lights go out. Or insert fastfood commercials here.)  
  
NEXT SCENE: Main Lounge. Standard cabaret set: tables, chairs, raised platform for performers, some room for people to dance, and of course, The Bar. It looks like closing time, or perhaps the hour before the first happy hour regulars walk in. The place is almost empty, save for a small clump of humanity assembled at the bar.  
  
Evang: Hi guys.  
  
Assembled people: Hi there.  
  
Evang: I'd like to welcome you to the first-ever Perverts Anonymous meeting. It's a time and place where you air out your worries that you're a sexual deviant, and we assure you that you're just fine or that there are worse people out there. So, come on, don't be shy, we're all friends here. We all know what you're going through. So, you, teenager guy, you go first.  
  
???: Uh, hi. I'm, um, Runaway Kid.   
  
Others: Hi, RK.  
  
RK: I think I'm a deviant. (Looks at Evang, who coaxes him with gestures.) Uh, I like getting screamed at by women I want to get close to. I also have a thing for being attractive to older women, even though I'm scared of them at times. Then, there's this girl I like whom I like because she reminds me of my mother. Please, am I a pervert? Tell me!  
  
Evang: Now, now, kid, take a deep breath. And another. Calm down. How do you feel now?  
  
RK: I don't know.  
  
Evang: Relieved? Like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders?  
  
RK: I guess so.  
  
Evang: See? That's what we're here for. To make you feel better about your insecurities and doubts. Let me be the first to say, "Runaway Kid, you're neither a deviant, a pervert or alone. We're here for you." (Gives him a pat on his shoulder.) (To the others.) Now, we all do the same in turn, give him reassurance and share your own questions about your selves.  
  
Runaway Kid is deluged by a lot of hands patting him on the back, while some ruffled his hair like he was just seven years old. Except...  
  
RK: Uh, is it okay if I receive a pat on the back-  
  
Evang: Sure it is!  
  
RK: From a DEMON CLAW???  
  
Evang: What? (To the offender.) Sir, please, restrain yourself!  
  
???: Oh. Sorry about that. It happens when I get rather emotional.  
  
Evang: As penance, you go next.  
  
???: Hai. (Takes a deep breath.) I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Hell-Teacher, and I think I'm a deviant.  
  
Others: Hi there, Teach.  
  
HT: Well, it's hard for me to say this. I teach elementary children, you see, and teachers have a certain image, a reputation of trustworthiness to maintain, and well... how do I say this...  
  
Evang: It's okay. Use simple words, if you must. Curse, even if you want to.  
  
HT: Hell, let's get this out in the open. I have a sort of split personality. This demonic hand thingy? It's from a sadistic bad-ass demon lord I had to sacrifice my left hand and my mentor's life to take down. See, I was a former exorcist's assistant, but I failed. The demon isn't dead, it's just trapped inside me, and sometimes, in cases when I experience extreme emotion, he takes over. Do you know how that makes me feel? To lose control?  
  
RK: I fight sometimes. Sometimes I fight angry, and afterwards I just break down.  
  
HT: You have it easier. I can't break down. I musn't. If I do, he might break free, and I don't know if I can send him back if he does. What if it happens while I'm teaching my cute, lovable, precocious students?  
  
Evang: I think we're beginning to see the problems here.  
  
???: Yeah, but isn't this supposed to be a perversion-airing session? What's with the psychotherapeutics?  
  
Evang: We're not just here to listen to what gets people off, my friend. We're here to listen to others' problems as well. In this case, he needs some reassurance that he's strong enough to not lose it with his precocious students.  
  
HT: Um, that's not really my perversion. That was just my stress talking a while back.  
  
RK: Oh, so you don't have a thing for your female students.  
  
HT: Well, there's this female high schooler that I'm trying to tutor in using her pyrokinetic abilities.   
  
Others: Ooh.  
  
HT: She needs a target, you see, especially during her period. Otherwise, she incinerates stuff uncontrollably, and when she tries to control it so as not to harm lives or property, she invariably ends up burning all her clothes off in a flash.  
  
Others: Wow. That's... Words fail us.  
  
HT: So I have her vent it all on me. Problem is, I'm rather fire resistant, thanks to my demon prisoner, and she gets pissed off when she sees I'm not burnt, thinking her powers are pathetic. In the end, she just self-combusts. She doesn't get hurt, but then again, she isn't clothed by the time her outburst is over.  
  
Others: Aah. So you have a thing for volatile high school girls, eh? At least she's not your student in the strict sense of the word. I guess that's alright. Just don't get caught. Wow, a pervert with standards!  
  
HT: Of course I have standards! I'm a teacher! At least, I took on the cover of a teacher to protect kids in a high demon incident neighborhood from an event similar to the one where my mentor died in. And, no, I don't go for high school types either!  
  
Evang: Complex you are, it seems. (Produces a bowl of cracker nuts and puts it on the table.) Here.   
  
Everyone gets some of the snacks. Evang motions for HT to continue.  
  
Evang: Your type is...?  
  
HT: I had a thing for bouncy coconut milk once. Dig?  
  
Others: Oh. Bouncy. We dig. Coconut milk? Isn't that exaggerating?  
  
RK: You said "had".  
  
HT: I did, didn't I? Now I go for the slim, delicately-built college girl type. Not too showy, but not model thin either. The kind that would look great in slacks and a sweater or a kimono. Especially with a pure look, kinda like new mountain snow.  
  
Evang: Oho! Pure-looking ones, eh? And I suppose you'd want to play the role of gallant protector? Or maybe cold-hearted defiler?  
  
HT: Try both.  
  
Others: OOOOOOHHH! AAAAAAAHHH! Sou desu ne.  
  
Evang: I mean, such an elaborate scheme as wanting to be both defiler and defender of innocence at the same time... kinky, but not really perverted, if you think about it.  
  
???: It's like protecting your own interests from outsiders. And if that isn't a good thing, what isn't?  
  
Nube: And you are?  
  
???: Hmph. Call me Dark Glasses. I do not consider myself a pervert, but then again, normalcy is a value judgement based on an observer's perception, is it not?  
  
RK: (Whimper.)  
  
Evang: (Passing the cracker nuts around again.) So, Mr. Glasses, what is normal for you? Sexually speaking, of course.  
  
Dark Glasses placed both of his elbows on the bartop. He meshed the fingers of both hands together, and leaned forward a little, hiding his lips from view. The weak illumination from the bulbs overhead lit his tinted lenses in a sinister manner.  
  
DG: My preferences are quite simple, really. I like to sleep around with females whom I wish to do so, regardless of age or consequences. If I have authority over them, so much the better for me. It's a bonus for me if they somehow manage to resemble my late wife.  
  
RK: Even if she's just a fifteen-year old precocious albino.  
  
DG: Yes. Even so. How well you know me, boy.  
  
HT: How do you know this, Kid?  
  
DG: How? He knows me that well because... (Takes a deep breath and lets it out, which sounds like air being forced through a breathing mask.) I AM... HIS FATHER.  
  
RK: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Evang: Looks like we opened up a real can of worms here, people. Should we continue, or stop? It's up to you, now. But first, is Dark Glasses a deviant, or not?  
  
???: Dark Glasses is not a deviant. It's typically male to be attracted to a certain type.  
  
HT: I second that.  
  
???: So he's a dominating personality. Probably likes to be on top of everything, even in bed. Is that a sin? I don't think so. Not a deviant.  
  
Others: Yeah, that's right. Rather normal, I guess. Let's just go on to the next guy and move on.  
  
Evang: The council has spoken. (Produces a super-large, clear mug, filled with beer.) Everyone know what this is?  
  
Others: Of course! That's beer, isn't it? What do you take us for?  
  
Evang: Good. Now, is anyone feeling thirsty here? No? You guys sure are tough. Those dehydrating cracker nuts should be kicking in right about... now.  
  
???: Me! Need drink, now! (Reaching for the mug.)  
  
Evang: (Moving the mug out of range.) We shall hear your story next, then.  
  
Others: Huh?! What's this about? What's this for, we came here voluntarily to tell our tales!  
  
Evang: Call it insurance. Now, do I have your agreement?  
  
???: Yes! Now give it to me!  
  
Evang handed over the mug, and its contents were reduced to half by the thirsty poor fool. The mug was handed back, and once in Evang's hands, it became full again. Everyone murmured in surprise and amazement.  
  
Evang: Now then. Your name, sir?  
  
???: You can call me Super Soldier.  
  
Others: Hi there, SS.  
  
Evang: Go on. Tell us your dirty secrets, the stuff you'd rather not let the whole world see or know.  
  
SS: Well, I like to play savior and champion of the underdog. I get a kick out of rescuing helpless young misses and stealing a squeeze, or accepting a tight hug, which I consider my just rewards for what I just did.  
  
HT: Sounds like my fetish.  
  
SS: Unlike Hell-Teacher, however, I prefer to go for the high school girl type. There's just something about the combination of white blouses and short skirts that gets me going. Heck, I think it's the short skirts. They either billow up with the wind to show some thigh, or they're the tight ones that show off a nice ass.  
  
DG: So you're a sucker for girls in uniform.  
  
SS: You could say that, Commander.  
  
DG: Commander...?  
  
SS: You have the look of one. I should know, I grew up during the period of a war for separation from a restrictive, overprotective government.  
  
RK: Any other reason why you go for the high school type?   
  
SS: Well, I never really got to study. Really study, I mean like books and flag ceremonies and lunch period and all. By the time the war was over, well... (Shrugs.)  
  
  
  
Evang offers him the mug again, and this time Super Soldier shakes his head.  
  
Evang: Right then. Who's next? (Someone reaches for the mug.) Oh, good, the next victim. Here you go.  
  
???: (Drinking his fill.) Ah. Can't say I agree with the taste of beer, but that's secondary to wetting my throat. Ah. Hi, I'm Denial King.  
  
Others: Hi there, Denial King.  
  
DK: I don't know if I'm a pervert or not. I just like to play games with women, you know, keep those who desperately want to sleep with me hanging along, pretending I don't give a fuck about them, when in fact, that's what I really want to do. Give them a fuck, that is.  
  
HT: We don't have a pervert here, people, we have a sicko.  
  
SS: But not a deviant in the sexual sense of the word.  
  
DK: Gee, thanks for that much. So you wanna here my story or do I get the verdict now?  
  
Evang: Hell-Teacher, Super Soldier, you should have let him finish.   
  
RK: Besides, we haven't even heard his type.  
  
DK: My type is simple. I like the ditzy types with big hooters and long hair. You know, your stereotypical dumb bimbo? Make an impression on them once, they won't forget abut you for the next five years or more. I used to have a yen for blue-haired women who could cook gourmet, 'cause I'm something of a culinary genius myself, but I found out the hard way that they take the old saw "The way to a man's heart - and other vital systems - is through his stomach" a little too seriously.  
  
DG: A misogynist who likes bimbos with good long-term memory. Interesting.  
  
DK: A father who likes to "play " with his son's girlfriends because they remind him of his dead wife. Not exactly award-winning material, but maybe worth a manga and a TV series.  
  
Dark Glasses and Denial King glared at each other. Neither one was willing to back down.  
  
Evang: (To himself.) So much for support and reassurance. But what the hell. (Notices something.) So, mister, need a drink? Here.  
  
???: (Gulping down the contents of the mug in just one go.) Can I have a refill? Maybe two, if it's not too much trouble?  
  
Evang: No problem.  
  
Everyone else in the bar watched as the spiky-haired man downed three double-sized beer mugs in succession without a pause. Some of the patrons beagn to clap their hands.  
  
Evang: Judging form that display of machismo, I gather you're from the Navy.  
  
???: Betcha that. (Burps.) Ah. I'm Periscope Guy. Nice to meet y'all.  
  
Others: Hey. Yo! Ditto.  
  
RK: Where'd you get such a strange name?  
  
SS: You with a submarine crew?  
  
PG: Who me? Nah. Weird shit of the matter is, I was Navy but I got transferred to lead some Imperial Flower Assault Squad or somesuch.  
  
RK: Huh?!  
  
PG: Right you are, Kid. Huh?! That was my first reaction too. Along with "Man, they're going to send me to lead some queers into battle." That was the scariest moment of my life, I'm telling you.  
  
DK: Still doesn't tell us how you got the name Periscope Guy, though.  
  
PG: Are you sure you're a cook? Aren't cooks supposed to have patience? I mean, I knew some galley guys who could outwait a saint or the devil himself. Now, where was I?  
  
SS: Imperial Florists?  
  
PG: Right. So, imagine my surprise when I met my squad and they were some of the best-looking pieces of ass taken from all over Japan, and we even had a half-Russian blonde and a petite French real-life Goldilocks.  
  
HT: It wasn't the hell you imagined it to be, I take it?  
  
PG: Hell no! Those are just the front-liners, which included me, who'll go out and do the hacking and shooting. The logistics and command unit, well, those were four different babies entirely, if you get my drift. Excuse the navy pun.  
  
DG: Hmmm...  
  
RK: Don't get any ideas, Father.  
  
DG: (In pretend pain.) Oh, you wound me, son.  
  
PG: Then, the next year, we had some new recruits from the Continent, a half-Italian half-Japanese girl and a boyish-looking German one. Lordy, that one made me go nuts when I found out.  
  
DK: We still have to hear the reason for your being called Periscope Guy.  
  
PG: And so here it is. Pop quiz: what's a persicope for?  
  
SS: It's used by submarine captains to activity above water.  
  
PG: Good answer. Now, I said something about discovering the truth about that boyish-looking German kid, right? How do you think I found out?  
  
HT: Let me guess. You looked in on her while she was taking a bath, didn't you?  
  
PG: Not just her, but the rest of my squad as well!  
  
SS: The other women looked as well?  
  
PG: Yeah! I mean, NO! They don't bend that way, I think. I meant that I peeked in on all of them while they were bathing, combat and command personnel alike!  
  
DK: Every single one of them?  
  
PG: Even the underaged French and German girlies.  
  
Evang: Whoa.  
  
Others: Incredible. The gall. The audacity.  
  
PG: That's not all. A few months ago, I got shipped to Paris to do the "lead luscious female soldiers into battle" routine again, and they have a genuine Japanese noble's daughter in the squad as an import or something to that extent. Felt just like home, Paris did. And guess what the cover for our base their was.  
  
HT: What?  
  
PG: A cabaret! I'm serious! Looks sort of like this place, except classier-  
  
Evang: HEY!!!  
  
PG: -And my squadmates had to perform some outlandish routines every night! Know what can-can is?  
  
DG: That's a performance where the women wear these skirts and kick up as high as they can to show their thighs and underwear, right?  
  
RK: (Looks at his dad strangely and sidles away, whimpering.)  
  
PG: Yeah. It's a European thing. Ever thought of a couple of noblemen's daughters performing it? With a jailbird serving a 100-year lockup sentence, a barely pubescent French-Indochinese brunette, and a ditzy former nun-in-training?  
  
Others: We're thinking, we're thinking! Oh, yeah! That's it, baby!  
  
Evang: Hey you, yeah, I'm talking to you, the one with the Koushiryoku Laboratory T-shirt. What's your story?   
  
???: Can I have a beer first?  
  
Evang: No, you're underage. No beer.  
  
???: Gimme or I won't tell!  
  
Evang: Oh, alright. (Hands over the mug to the last patron.)  
  
???: (Takes a sip and spews it out, drenching the bartop.) Bleah! Why the hell do people drink this crap anyway?  
  
Evang: Your name and tale, please. (To the others.) Alright, you perverts, let's listen to one last story before heading out.  
  
???: Hi, my name is Ageless Kid, AK for short.  
  
RK: Ageless?  
  
AK: You know, they bring me out in the late 70's and then in the 90's but I only look like ten years older or so?  
  
DG: I'd like to know your secret to staying young.  
  
AK: No secret. It's called target market research.  
  
Evang: Go on.  
  
AK: Anyway, in my latest incarnation, I have a thing for attracting older women's attentions. Specifically, there are these twin blonde bombshells with Ph. D.'s - no joke, really! - working with my father, assisting in his research.  
  
RK: My dad has a blonde scientist aiding him in his research. I think she's a peroxide blonde, though.  
  
DG: Shut up, boy!  
  
AK: Not too make myself bigger than my mecha, but during a beach outing, both of them wore the skimpiest bathing wear on the whole planet and tried to get me to rub suntan lotion and sunscreen on them.  
  
HT: Beach outings are good. Very, very good. You see a lot of vitamin A in beach outings.  
  
AK: Vitamin A?  
  
HT: Things that are good for the eye.  
  
AK: I see. Well, during that same episode, I managed to pull off my "best friend's" bikini top in a fight.  
  
Others: Aaah.  
  
DK: Why does 'best friend' have double quotation marks?  
  
AK: Actually, she's supposed to be my love interest, but I keep insisting that we're nothing of the sort. Even when two of my buddies catches me in bed with her and her arms are wrapped around me. You might say (Casting a sly look in Denial King's direction.) that I'm denying the obvious.  
  
DK: Why you-! GEKIGAN FLARE!!!  
  
Denial King knocks Ageless Kid to the floor with his attack. Eager to seize the opening, Denial King drops his guard, which he dearly pays for.  
  
AK: ROKETTO PANCHI!!!  
  
Evang began to take bets on the outcome of the fight.  
  
Evang: Ah, some booze, some gas, a lot of poking fun at, some dark humor, and a fistfight to top it all off. Yep, this is my kind of episode. I better think hard on how to top this one next time.  
  
The double doors swing open, and the combatants look up. The newcomer is silhouetted against the doorway, and the occupants of the bar watch as he takes off his helmet and walks toward the bartender.  
  
Kazuya: Kabuto-kun, why are you trying to kill Tenkawa?  
  
Kouji: He started it!  
  
Akito: Yeah, that's real mature of you, Kabuto. Just proves to show how much you've changed in ten years.  
  
Ichiro: Unlike you, who changed a lot in a mere five.  
  
Akito: At least I got some while I could. What about you? You slept with anyone of your flower-girls yet?  
  
Gendo: Probably hasn't. He's mentioned a lot of women, but none of his conquests. He hasn't even told us what his type is.  
  
Ichiro: How about Kabuto? He hasn't-  
  
Shinji: He's just changing the subject, isn't he, Dad?  
  
Gendo: Probably. Maybe he's gay, and all he said is just an elaborate lie to hide his secret.  
  
Ichiro: Why you two!!! ( A katana and a wakizashi appear in his hands.) Shippu Jinrai!!!  
  
Ichiro runs around trying to cut the Ikaris into ribbons. Using the distraction, Akito lands a blow to Kouji's genitals, causing the latter to howl in agony. Sousuke wisely ducks for cover behind the bar.   
  
Kazuya: That's it! I've had a tough day dealing with that idiot brother-in-law of mine, and I need to unwind! If you won't let me drink in quiet to relieve my stress, I'll just use you to relieve it! Hissatsu!!!  
  
(Insert standard rapid strike scene here. You know, fade to black, flashes indicating hits, lots of bodies on the floor when the screen goes normal again.)  
  
Kazuya: (Panting.) Finally! Some quiet! Can I have a beer now?  
  
Evang: (Hands him the mug, smiling evilly.) Want some cracker nuts to go with that?  
  
Kazuya: Sure. (Pops a handful of nuts in his mouth and crunching.) Mmmm. Tasty.  
  
EOF 


	2. Spacebar Second Stage II

Spacebar Second Stage  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
*STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY*  
  
EPISODE 2: Tyrant's End  
  
BOS: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm back!!! And I bring with me the instrument of destruction!!! Tremble, mortals!!!  
  
Evang: What the devil are you screaming about!? It's friggin' 12 midnight, for crying out loud!!!  
  
Sada-chan: Can't a dead psionic psycopath rest in peace around here?  
  
BOS: Hah! My first victims!   
  
Evang: Oro?  
  
Sada-chan: I thought you hated that word!  
  
Evang: I only hate it when it's used to death by trying-hard otaku. But it seems appropriate in this instance, right?  
  
BOS: I shall now say the words of power that will bring you to your knees and turn you into my thralls!!!  
  
Sada-chan: Abracadabra?  
  
Evang: Hocus pocus?  
  
Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo walk in, and are curious to find out what Sada-chan and Evang are mouthing incantations for.  
  
Kaji: At least it's not Aramaic.  
  
Tsukumo: Nope, not Aramaic.  
  
Gai: Eh? What's Aramaic?  
  
BOS: Hahaha!!! Fresh meat!!!  
  
Gai: Aramaic means fresh meat?  
  
Evang: I know! Open sesame!  
  
Kaji: What are you two doing?  
  
Sada-chan: We're trying to guess what BOS's so-called words of power are, so we can counter them.  
  
Gai: Let me try! How about, "OPEN GATE!!"  
  
BOS: No.  
  
Kaji: Try it backwards!!!  
  
Gai: OK!!! GATE OPEN!!!  
  
BOS: No.  
  
Gai: Damn! Maybe he wants it formal-like?  
  
Tsukumo: Very well. OPEN THE GATE!!!  
  
BOS: I've had it with this farce!!!  
  
With that, multiple viewscreens appeared around the humans, caging them.  
  
BOS: MASSIVE MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Roll your saving throws, kiddies!  
  
The humans took 20-sided dice from their pockets, and each of them rolled once. As luck would have it, none of them rolled higher than a ten, except for Evang, who got a 12. Unfortunately, Evang had a -4 penalty to Willpower saves, and ends up with a measly 8.  
  
BOS: AHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...  
  
(Text appearing in striking font across each viewscreen: ARMAGEDDON ON-LINE.)  
  
The fellowship had failed. All had succumbed to the lure of the MMOG AOL which BOS had unleashed on them. Now, trapped in an imaginary world created by an insidious machine and powered by their own minds, what shall become of them, and the worlds they swore to protect?  
  
Jemu: Great writing, BOS.   
  
BOS: Thanks.   
  
Jemu: I kinda noticed that last episode turned out not very SpaceBar-like.  
  
BOS: More like Space-bashing, eh?  
  
Jemu: You said it.  
  
BOS: Mind if I ask a question?  
  
Jemu: Go ahead.  
  
BOS: Who's really in charge here, you or Evang?  
  
Jemu: That's simple. Whose name appears below the title?  
  
********************************************************  
  
(Cue really cheesy 70s-80s music here. Screen goes black, music still playing, and some red kanji and katakana with white borders spell out the name of the next segment, which translates in English as "Transform! Beta Robo!")  
  
Geryon: Shame on you, Beta Robo, having a hostage while fighting!  
  
Rai: What are you talking about?  
  
Rey: Yeah! We don't need no hostages to kick your stupid alien ass!  
  
Roy: Uh, I think he means that girl we rescued from the crash site that is currently undergoing medical examination by Dr. H. back at the lab.  
  
Geryon: Such cowardice! Holding my sister hostage to gain an advantage!  
  
Rai: Roy! Why didn't you tell us anything?  
  
Roy: I tried, honest! But then the attack siren went off, and we had to scramble in the Beta Units.  
  
Roy: I was afraid of that. Things like that always happen in Getazinger XVI, right, Rai?  
  
Geryon: What are you talking about? Take this! GENERIC MISSILES!!!  
  
Rai: ACK!!!  
  
Rey: Shoot them down, Roy!  
  
Roy: Me? I'm in the legs, you fool, you have the weapons control!  
  
Rey: Yeah, but I don't have the targeting computer!!  
  
Roy: Rai, do something, before we all die!  
  
Rai: OPEN WINDOW!!!  
  
The caped figure of Beta Robo 0.1 disengaged into its component smaller robots and scattered to avoid the missiles.  
  
Rey: Dammit, Rai, you nearly had us killed back there!  
  
Rai: Sorry.  
  
Roy: Save that for later! Quick, let's form Beta 0.2 and finish this! LET'S!!  
  
Rai: JOIN!!!  
  
Rey: IN!!!!!  
  
The three smaller mecha join in mid-air amid flashy CG and effects. Beta Robo 0.2 emerges from the cloud of special effects, bristling with missiles and cannons of all shapes and sizes.  
  
Rey: Our turn!  
  
Roy: You said it! Locked on target!  
  
Rai: OK! Beta Missile!  
  
Rey: You idiot! Put more force into the attack, otherwise it won't hit!  
  
Rai: Hai! BET-TAH... MISSILE!  
  
Geryon: Imitating my moves! Such lack of originality deserves to be punished! MISSILE CUT-TAH!!!  
  
Geryon's horned robot produces a huge sword and cuts the incoming missile in half, blowing it up in the usual anime fashion.  
  
Rai: He cut the Beta Missile!  
  
Roy: Let's see him cut this! Rey?  
  
Rey: Power is full, let's get him!  
  
Roy: Yossha! All guns, ready, BETA GUN... SHOOT!!!!!!!  
  
Beta 0.2 levels all of its guns and launchers at Geryon's unit and fires them all. Streams of energy and deadly projectiles streak toward the surprised Neptunian invader's mecha.  
  
Geryon: So many attacks coming in at once! I can't dodge them all! UWAAAHH!!  
  
Geryon's unit crashes to earth, obliterating a patch of forest as it lands. Valiantly, it tries to stand up, but all it manages is to get up on one knee.  
  
Geryon: Such immense attacking power! Could the evil Earthlings finally uncovered the- (Coughs blood and messes up his console really bad.)  
  
Rai: We got him!  
  
Rey: Now it's my turn!  
  
Roy: Alright, you can finish this one off.  
  
Geryon: Finish me off?!!!  
  
Rey: Yup! Change Beta Version!!!  
  
Once more, the three Beta Units disengage, reforming and resolving into the Beta Robot's third mode.  
  
Geryon: Y- you can't finish me off! It's just our first meeting! It's not supposed to be like that!  
  
Rey: Call it starting a new tradition!  
  
Rai: Or maybe just call it your doom!!  
  
Geryon: You musn't destroy me so soon! Who will you fight then? Huh?  
  
Roy: Let's get this over with and make this guy say his death essay. Then we can go home and see if Dr. H. has put any clothes on that girl we rescued yet.  
  
Geryon: WHAT!?  
  
Rey: Sounds like a plan. (Maneuvers Beta 0.3 to face Geryon's unit squarely.) REY!!! BURNING FIRE!!!  
  
A wide, transluscent, red beam of light emits from Beta 0.3's chest, striking Geryon's unit. Geryon's unit starts to change color from black to red, and when it was fully scarlet, the beam cut off.  
  
Geryon: Huh? I'm still alive?!  
  
Rey: You have ten seconds to say your last words, before your unit explodes.   
  
Geryon: Oh, okay. Ahem, ahem. You might have defeated me, vile Earthlings, but know this-  
  
Geryon's unit explodes at this point, eliciting a need for the 1980s stock enemy robot explosion scene. Beta 0.3 hovers in mid-air, watching the mushroom cloud dissipate.  
  
Roy: I thought he had ten seconds.  
  
Rey: I lied. So sue me.  
  
Rai: Nah, let's just disengage and fly home. I wanna see that naked chick.  
  
Rey: NO WAY!! We all know your own Beta Unit is faster than mine or Roy's!!  
  
Roy: That's right! We'll go home together!!  
  
Rai: This sucks.  
  
********************************************  
  
Jemu: This is what they're playing in your Armageddon Online game?  
  
BOS: Yeah. So what do you think?  
  
Jemu: It's cool. I think it's going to be hot. Well, got to go back to my research.   
  
BOS: I'll give you safe insertion once you come back.  
  
Jemu: Excellent, BOS. You the man!!!  
  
BOS: Hah! I knew it! I'm a real boy!  
  
********************************************  
  
Public Advisory: For those not in the know, Rai is Kaji, Roy is Tsukumo, and Rey is, well, who's the only dead mecha otaku who'd put his name in his final attack's? Now, back to our show.  
  
********************************************  
  
Rai: Tadaima!  
  
Roy: Hey Dr. H.! Where are you?  
  
Rey: And where's the naked-  
  
Roy claps a hand over Rey's mouth.  
  
Rey: Mmmf mphruf- (Takes Roy's hand off.) What the hell is your problem, Roy?  
  
Roy: If Dr. H. hears you say the "C" word, he might just be mean enough to hide her from us.  
  
Rey: Come now, he can't be that bad. The "H" stands for Heaven, right?  
  
Rai and Roy exchange exasperated looks.   
  
Rey: Or maybe "hope!" Yes, that's it! Hope! Like, he's Earth's only hope against the evil Neptunians!  
  
Rai: Duh! You don't see him risking his ass in the front line confronting the Neptunians head-on, he just stays here chasing bare ass!  
  
Roy: Not so loud!  
  
Dr. H. walks in through a pair of sliding doors. He's your typical super robot scientist, clad in the usual white lab coat, dark pants, black leather shoes, and he wears a monocle on his right eye. His white hair is done up in a style that could only be described as half-Einstein, half-Santa, minus the beard. As always, there is a look of perpetual absent-mindedness on his face.  
  
Dr.: I see you made it back safely. Congratulations!  
  
Rey: Say, Dr. H., where's the girl we rescued?  
  
Dr.: Um, how do I say this, she's- Roy, Rai, why are you looking at me so strangely? Is there something on my face?  
  
Roy: Well, there is some white substance around your lips.  
  
Rai: And your zipper and belt buckle are undone.  
  
Silence. Dr. H. refuses to meet the gaze of his pilots.  
  
Rey: Dr. H., that's disgusting!  
  
Rai: I knew I had you pegged for one from the very start.  
  
Roy: Still, seeing the evidence firsthand is very unsettling.  
  
Rey: I never thought you were one for looking at his own thingy when he's about to come while jacking off! It's a miracle you didn't get any on your eyes! Or your nose!  
  
As one, Dr. H., Rai, and Roy crash to the floor, downed by the power of Rey's stupidity.   
  
*********************************************************  
  
BOS: I think they've suffered enough. I think I'll let them go now.  
  
At this, Gai, Tsukumo, Kaji, and Evang materialize as if coming in from a Boson Jump.  
  
BOS: Hey, where's Sada-chan?  
  
Kaji: Dunno. I thought she was supposed to be the girl we rescued back there.  
  
BOS: Supposedly. You haven't seen her face yet, have you?  
  
Evang: It is impossible to rescue someone and take her back to your base without seeing what she looks like.  
  
Gai: But if you look back, nowhere in the previous block of text could a description of her face be found. Or any other part of her anatomy, for that matter.  
  
Sada-chan does her "crawl out of a monitor schtick" at this point in time, freaking out the four guys and the AI.   
  
Sada-chan: Use your common sense, Gai. If you were naked, stark naked, would you have wanted the whole world to see what you looked like? Would you want to hear descriptions of your body whispered as you pass by?  
  
Gai: A hero has nothing to be ashamed of!  
  
Sada-chan: (Smiling an obviously fake smile.) Is a hero also modest and humble?  
  
Gai: Of course! Um, ah, uh, wait, that is-  
  
Gai faints from brain overheat, as his brain literally got thrown in for a loop.  
  
Kaji: Taking a guy out by stopping his brain instead of his heart.  
  
Tsukumo: That's a new direction for you, isn't it?  
  
Sada-chan: You know how it is in the biz, you have to keep reinventing yourself to stay marketable.  
  
Evang: Tough. So, what happens now, BOS?  
  
BOS: How about we invite some NGE people, some FMP people, maybe some girls from Mahou Kishin Rayearth and St. Tail, and have a flower-viewing party?  
  
Evang: What the hell kind of dippy idea is that?  
  
Sada-chan: If you make me wear a pink wig and fake boobs, and make me chase cock I will kill you, BOS.  
  
BOS: I'm a machine, Sada-chan. Your brain-freeze and heart attacks won't hurt me.  
  
Sada-chan: Maybe not, but this will.   
  
  
  
A well rises up from the ground beside her, and Sada-chan leans in, rummaging for something inside, unaware of her instant audience.  
  
Kaji: 9 out of 10.   
  
Evang: Grade A, prime meat.  
  
Tsukumo: Guys, we really shouldn't be looking at Sada-chan's ass while she's bent over.  
  
Sada-chan pulls out a big sledge hammer and her audience makes themselves immune to harm. That is, Evang teleports out of sight, Tsukumo Boson Jumps back to his apartment, and Kaji shoots himself in the head with his brand-new Hammerspace Pistol, sending himself back to his flat with a -1.1% to his Base Level Experience and his Job Level Exp. Satisfied that the jerks are gone, Sada-chan resumes her search.  
  
Sada-chan: I assume you're getting this on camera from different angles to show later to those perverts?  
  
BOS: You betcha.  
  
Sada-chan: Figures. Just because I'm the only female on board, everything I do is recorded. Oh well, this ought to erase all traces of that. (Holding what appears to be a bomb of sorts.)  
  
BOS: You got complaints, talk to Jemu. And what's that? C4? Pipebomb?  
  
Sada-chan: Nope. It's Big MF Choudenji Bomb. (Smiles evilly.)  
  
BOS: NO!!! Not that!!! Anything but that!!!  
  
One scrambled AI later, Sada-chan surprises Jemu by coming out of his computer screen and dropping into his lap. On reflex, Jemu hits Alt+F4, and curses upon realizing that he hadn't bookmarked the Rorikon page he'd been searching all of cyberspace for. All that stops though, as he takes a surroundings check, noticing that Sada-chan is in his lap and poking his chest, trying to get his attention.  
  
Jemu: Could you please not do that? I almost had a heart attack.  
  
Sada-chan: Sorry.   
  
They sat like that for a while, with Sada-chan wriggling a little in Jemu's lap, looking for a more comfortable position.  
  
Sada-chan: This is weird.  
  
Jemu: Eh?  
  
Sada-chan: Aren't you men supposed to get a woody when you find yourselves in this predicament?  
  
Jemu: Oh, that? Self-preservation. If I get a woody because you're sitting in my lap, would you try to stop one or more of my body processes?  
  
Sada-chan: How did you know?  
  
Jemu: This is my ship/space station/sleazy pub, remember? Being a minor techno-fiend does have some advantages. That was a mean thing to do, by the way.  
  
Sada-chan: Gai?  
  
Jemu: No. BOS. Choudenji Bomb? To me it felt like someone lit a bottle rocket and put it under my chair.  
  
Sada-chan: How big a bottle rocket?  
  
Jemu: One the size of my fist.  
  
Sada: Oh. Sorry. It couldn't be helped. BOS was recording my ass for posterity, in case you didn't know - you did, didn't you?  
  
Jemu: Can I answer that without dying?  
  
Sada: I ought to freeze your blood.  
  
Jemu: But you won't, right?   
  
Sada: What makes you so sure, buster?  
  
Jemu: The fact that your sitting in my lap is probably your way of cozying up to me because you want to ask me a favor.  
  
Sada: (Managing to look hurt.) How low do you think of me! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm in your lap right now because I want to?  
  
Jemu: (Breathing a resigned sigh.) It's alright, Sada. You don't have to go through all this pretense. I've been subjected to it a zillion times over back in high school, making me something of a pro. I've accepted it as a fact of life: if they're not family or friends, females are nice to me only because I'm useful. Always has been that way.   
  
Gently, Jemu lifts Sada out of his lap and sets her feet on the floor.  
  
Jemu: Just tell me what your request is, and if it's within my ability, I'll try to provide it. Don't expect miracles, though.  
  
Sada: I'm sorry. Look, if you really don't want to do it I-  
  
Jemu: You what? Could turn to Evang for help? Be my guest.   
  
Sada: I've offended you, haven't I?  
  
Jemu: (To no one in particular.) There's nothing more annoying than people who ask for help from me and later say that they don't need it-  
  
Sada: I didn't say that!  
  
Jemu: (In full soliloquy mode now.) I mean, if they wanted my help so bad, they should have known what to expect from me, right? But no, they go nattering about my attitude and how I sound like I just do things grudgingly, and that pisses me off, you know?  
  
Sada: Jemu...  
  
Jemu: Like, look, it's a door mat! It's used to being used without being thought of, to being taken for granted! So go and take advantage of it already! I mean, a yes is a yes, anyway you look at it!   
  
Sada: It's exactly because of your stupid attitude that I'm not asking you for it anymore! Now that I know how you feel about doing things for others, I wanted to let you know that I don't want you to feel used by me as well!  
  
Sada summons a well, and with a last withering look at Jemu, disappears into it. The well sinks back into the floor, leaving him alone with the silence.  
  
Jemu: And I never got to find out what it was she wanted. Huh. Why do I even bother? She said she was doing me a favor by not asking for one. Okay by me. I like favors as much as the next guy. So what the hell is wrong with this picture?  
  
Silence: I got no answer for you, bub.  
  
Jemu: Just as I suspected.  
  
Silence: You want some advice? Lose the "woe-is-me-I-am-a-loser" attitude. It gets pretty boring very quickly. And if you're boring, you don't get any chicks that way.  
  
Jemu: For an abstract concept that more often than not doesn't exist, you seem to know a lot.  
  
Silence: I've seen it all, kid. Been around since the beginning of this universe, hell, even before the gods themselves.  
  
Jemu: Really? It's 'gods' as in the plural?  
  
Silence: I really should have kept my mouth shut. But I can't help it when I see a guy make a horse's behind of himself.  
  
Jemu: ...I did, didn't I? (Laughs mirthlessly.) So, how do I make up for it?  
  
Silence was back in his quiet, unassuming, cool guy mode.  
  
Jemu: How about that? Damn. Might as well get back to work reviving BOS before the hammerspace portals notice his absence and hold one hell of a party.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Sada walked into the Main Lounge, which is empty except for Evang. Upon catching sight of her, he prepared to teleport away, but something in the way Sada looked like stopped him. She approached him, her eyes thanking him for not leaving her alone.  
  
"You look like you could use a drink. And a pair of ears."  
  
"Sake."  
  
Producing a jar of the stuff and two cups, Evang asked, "So, what's eating at you? If it's not to much to ask, that is."  
  
She poured herself some sake and said, "Has Jemu always been like that?"  
  
"Like what? Perverted? No. No one's born that way. I think."  
  
"Not that. I meant in being a martyr. Like every favor asked of him is another load of straw on his back."  
  
"Jemu? A martyr? Nah. Can't be the same guy I know."  
  
"..."  
  
"I mean, he looks out for himself first, always asks what's in it for me, that's not what you'd call martyr material, right?"  
  
"No." She took a swallow of the sake.  
  
"We're alike in that way, Jemu and I. And in other ways as well."  
  
"You mean you're both rorikons?"  
  
"One of us is always supposed to be rorikon. The other is a- well, we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you. What's the matter? You fight with him or something?"  
  
"Or something."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"You want to know? I wanted to ask him if I could have- if we could have some more female presence in here, seeing as I'm the only female in residence. I asked him because he's the custodian of the SpaceBar."  
  
"That's not exactly true. Fujieda Ayame's supposed to move in here the last time I checked."  
  
"But she's from a series!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"I want someone who's a spoof of someone or something well-known!"  
  
"Sada, you're from a series as well."  
  
"I'm not from any anime."  
  
"Yet."  
  
"Ever."  
  
"Okay. So you want a female non-anime spoof here? Kind of a tall order, wouldn't you say? Let's see your qualities first. You're a direct mock-up of a female vengeful spirit that cares for nothing but death, death, and more death."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, who would you consider to be equal in or of greater status to you? Do we even know, we as in Jemu and I, and perhaps you, of anyone suitable enough to be a stay-in in the SpaceBar? We can't just accept anyone, you know."  
  
"I didn't know there was a criterion involved."  
  
"There is. They have to be either dead, mythical and/or fantastic, and must not have tendencies to destroy the SpaceBar itself, because if the SpaceBar goes down, we all go poof."  
  
"... I see."  
  
"Let's stick with the horror/ghost story genre for starters, shall we? Like the one where you came from."  
  
"O-kay."  
  
"Snow fairies? Possible, but Nube already has one for a wife, so that takes away that option. Besides, where are we going to put a mountain in here?"  
  
Sada laughed. "You're right, it is ridiculous."  
  
"Let's continue. Cat-girls? Fox-girls? Etc.? Done to death in anime. And that's a no-go for you, right? So we move on. But I gotta tell you, I'm running out of ideas."  
  
"How about games? Games that haven't been made into anime or manga, that is."  
  
"That, my ghostly friend, borders on copyright infringement."  
  
"And my existence here doesn't? Just by adding a suffix to my name, it's gone like that?"  
  
"See, you're a legend of sorts in your home country. Legends don't have copyrights and royalties attached to them."  
  
"So recruit a legend or ghost from your home country."  
  
"Now there's a capital idea! Should I go for an aswang? Nah, too gruesome. White / black ladies? We already have you, so that's kinda redundant, isn't it?"  
  
"Snake ladies."  
  
"You mean like Kanzaki Sumire?"  
  
***********************************  
  
Elsewhere...  
  
"KA-CHOOO!!!"  
  
Tachibana Maria looked at her friend. "Sumire-kun, are you alright?"  
  
"Hai! It's just this old powdered wig!"  
  
"Better compose yourself. You're next. Kohran's building up the crowd for you and she's almost done."  
  
"I am Teito's top star!!! I will sweep them of their feet, with or without building up! Just watch me!!!"  
  
***********************************  
  
"Sorry. Couldn't help myself. You mean nagas?"  
  
"Yes. I think I can tolerate the ones with big boobs and long tails, but not the ones with big boobs and long hair and longer legs."  
  
***********************************  
  
In the Slayers Sector...  
  
"AH-CHOO!!!"  
  
Lina sidled away to the other end of the couch. "Look, if you're coming down with something, don't give it to me, okay? I have a date with Gourry tomorrow."  
  
Naga sniffed as delicately as she could, but still, her breasts moved with her intake of breath. "I think I caught it from that cute, sweet-looking Hunter kid. You know, the one who gets REALLY HUGE when you show him a little magic?" Naga winked lasciviously, and laughed, "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!!"  
  
***********************************  
  
"Wouldn't you consider-?"  
  
"No. Besides, she's alive and she's anime."  
  
"Damn. I liked her."  
  
"You would."  
  
"Except that laugh. Ugh! That laugh has to go!"  
  
"So, any other horrors or spirits you think I'll get along with?"  
  
"No. This is what happens, I guess, when you've been under direct foreign rule for over three hundred-fifty years and been under economic slavery afterward. The interesting folk move away or vanish."  
  
"Back to bird maidens or snake ladies, I guess."  
  
"I've seen a hentai flick of a blonde guy who keeps a redhead bird maiden, a blonde cat-girl and black-haired rorikon-bait as sex slaves."  
  
"Argh, alright, just snake ladies then. But we have to make her not go around topless, otherwise some Korean artist will sue."  
  
"If we keep her topless, do you think we guys will be able to walk around here? And he can't sue if we change her hair and scale color. It's not like he invented the naga, it's been around for almost forever. Give me some credit, will you?"  
  
"Okay, I'll give you some credit. Just make sure she's not blue-haired."  
  
"What, you're biased against blue hair as well? Is there no end to your restrictions, woman?"  
  
"Aho! If we introduced a blue-haired naga in a bikini top, CRAPCOM might just sue!"  
  
"I see your point. So what color do you suggest? We can't go with shades of pink and you don't like blue, what does that leave us with? Blonde?" Exasperated, Evang pours himself some sake and takes a sip, making a face as he put the cup down.  
  
"What's wrong? Can't stand alcohol?"  
  
"That, plus the sake's gone warm."  
  
"That's the great thing about sake, you can have it warm or cold, and it still tastes great."  
  
"We were talking about your preference in color, right?"  
  
"Um, gimme a sec. Well, we also have to make her hair longer. The Nabiki Tendo hairdo is a little to close for comfort."  
  
"Okay. We're trying for a long-haired, decently-clad naga now."  
  
"You make it sound impossible."  
  
Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo decide to respawn at this time. "What's impossible?" Kaji asked.  
  
"Nothing's impossible. Especially where we are right now," Evang replied.  
  
"So what are you having a discussion on?" Tsukumo asked.  
  
"Well," Evang began, "Sada-chan's been asking for another female on board, and I'd appreciate your opinions..."  
  
********************************************  
  
One and half hour later...  
  
Evang: Let's take this from the top. Our newest member...  
  
Sada: Is going to be a blonde naga...  
  
Gai: With a burning sense of justice!!!  
  
Tsukumo: Approachable most of the time...  
  
Kaji: And knows her way around machinery.  
  
Evang: Huh? Where did that come from?  
  
Kaji: Come on! I mean, you can't keep borrowing Uri-P forever 'cause he's got a family of his own, and you won't trust NERV to mess around with this place-  
  
Evang: Would you?  
  
Kaji: And as far as I know, we don't have the cash to have Astonage or Ms. Purpleton on call 24-7.  
  
Sada: A female naga mechanic?  
  
Gai: Don't forget the blonde, nekketsu part.  
  
Tsukumo: How are you going to explain that away, Kaji?  
  
Kaji: Who needs explanations around here? Look, being half snake is better for a mechanic.  
  
Evang: And this is because?  
  
Kaji: See, if she's part constrictor, she can climb mecha and hang from weird angles without the need for too much scaffolding and other stuff.  
  
Evang: Hmmm...  
  
Tsukumo: And I want to add another trait: tinker-crazy.  
  
Sada: With a burning sense of justice? That could be weird, you know.  
  
Evang: Weird being a euphemism for crazy? I have to agree.   
  
Sada: This is going nowhere.  
  
[Jemu enters from right of stage.]  
  
Jemu: There's an easier solution to all of this, y'know.  
  
Gai: To all of what?  
  
Jemu: Let's just insert some copyrighted, trademarked characters in without prior consultation of the owners. I mean, hell, who reads the SpaceBar series anyway? Who even visits the section where this series is stored? It's not like the copyright police are going to be snooping around, anyway.  
  
Kaji: Yeah. No one is watching, not even George's big brother. And Gendo Ikari.  
  
Evang: You heard all of this conversation via our rudimentary mind-link?  
  
Jemu: Some. Not all of it. BOS helped a lot- he's not 100% on-line yet, but he still works. He still can't make contributions to our dialogs, though.  
  
Tsukumo: So, who are we going to call?  
  
Jemu: Ghost-blasters? No, seriously, I thought I'll try Dairy House first. There's a real man-eater that I think will blend in nicely here.  
  
A trans-reality phone handset and an accompanying directory materialize, floating in mid-air. Jemu flips through the Pastel Pages, skims a line with his fingertip, then proceeds to dial.  
  
Jemu: Hello? Dairy House? My name is Jemu Nekketsu. I run a production company, Spacebar Inc., and I was wondering if you still have one of your game characters on retainer. [Pause.] She's from Night-time Apparitions, long, white hair, killer smile and body. Literally. No preferences to the gender of her 'victims.' [Pause.] Yes, I'll wait. (Grins at everyone in the bar and shows them his crossed fingers.) Yes? That's wonderful! Just great. [Pause.] Transportation's not a problem, the reception party will take more planning- [Pause.] Aahhh. Ok, no WWII memorabilia. Shouldn't be a problem, I'm not a military otaku or a history buff. Thanks. Good day to you. (Phone and directory vanish.)  
  
Kaji: Well? It sounded like it went well, so give us the details.  
  
Gai: Will we have a party?  
  
Evang: Not with this much people, we won't. (Directs a speaking glance at Jemu.)  
  
Jemu: Don't worry. (Summons the trans-reality phone again and speed dials.) BAMPRESTO HR Department? I'd like to inquire if you can lease me some of your Originals. No, not the mecha, the pilots. [Pause.] No, I don't want Shirakawa Shu, even if he comes with Saphine Grace. And I don't give a toss about Princess Monica, I don't think she'll like this party either. Besides, just those three will bust my budget. [Pause.] Maybe Axel and Lamia, pilots, not mecha? [Pause.] Well, can I have the number for the Shadow Mirror Division? [Pause.] BAMPRESTO mirror site. Haha. I get the joke. It's at www.BAMPRESTO/mirror/main.htm, did I get it right? Okay. Thanks. (Pockets the phone and faces his companions.) Looks like I'll be navigating some cyberspace for a while. Evang, you take helm- wait, while you're at it, see what you can read up on succubi and their kind and how to keep them under control.  
  
Evang: Okay. It should be in The Book. I need an excuse to start reading again, anyway. My Mastery Examination is coming up.  
  
Gai: I want to play Armageddon again!  
  
Kaji: Me too. I need to recover the experience point that I lost.  
  
Sada: Didn't you hear what he said? BOS, ergo, the server, is still down.  
  
Tsukumo: No thanks to you. I'll just burn some phone lines talking to Minato and Yukina. Later, people.  
  
Jemu, Evang, and Tsukumo exit, leaving Kaji, Gai and Sada in the Main Lounge.  
  
Kaji: At least the Wreck Room is still functional. How about a game of King of Robots 2003, Gai? You use Gekiganger V and Gekiganger 3, while I'll juts use Chodenji Senshi Volbattler X.  
  
Gai: Hah! You'll never win! Bring it on! I'll show you the real Double Gekigan Flare!!  
  
The two head for the Wreck Room trading jibes about the other's fighting style, and once again Sada finds herself by her lonesome.  
  
Sada: I'm getting real tired of this. (Sighs.) Oh, well. (One appears, and she steps into it, placing a "DO NOT DISTURB UNTIL NEXT EPISODE' sign on the well's lip. 


	3. Spacebar Second Stage III

SpaceBar Second Stage  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
*Standard disclaimers apply.*  
  
EPISODE 3: THRILLA NIGHT  
  
SCENE 1. The SpaceBar. Home of crazy-ass events that would never normally happen in any continuum, except maybe for Di Gi Charat. Today, it is in a festive mood, as preparations are done to greet the newest denizens of this insane place. As usual with all SpaceBar parties, representatives from works that have guested (READ: butchered) in the previous episodes have been invited to greet the newcomers.  
  
Akito: (Plunking a kettle on the kitchen counter.) Yeah, and I always end up cooking for these stupid parties. I hate it!  
  
Yurika: (Overhearing Akito's comment.) Would you like me to cook this time, Akito?  
  
Akito: (Opens his mouth to say no.) Wait, I can still pay back that bastard Evang for Episode 1! (To Yurika.) Would you really? If it's not too much to ask, that is.  
  
Yurika: No, of course not. I'll make you real happy, I swear. I'll even wear that kinky apron you like so much - without anything underneath.  
  
Akito: (Thinking of a bare-arsed Yurika making poison for Evang and grinning.) Thanks, Yurika. That's why I luh- luhh- WUV you. (To himself.) What's wrong with me? It's just a four-letter word.  
  
In the Dead Characters' Apartments, the Three Gunned Men are escorting a striking brunette in military uniform around the premises.  
  
Kaji: And here we have our own recreational facilities. We have tennis courts, jogging lanes, an Olympic-sized pool, and goodness knows what else.  
  
Gai: We even have our own movie theater! Great for watching classics!  
  
Ayame: I see. What about a real theater?  
  
Tsukumo: Huh?  
  
Ayame: You know: actors, costumes, stage left, stage fright, curtains, trapdoors?  
  
Kaji: Well, we have such a building, but we lack the necessary people to make it work.  
  
Tsukumo: That's how small our population is, ma'am.  
  
Ayame: There's just four of us here?   
  
Gai: Well, a party will be held later, and we can introduce you to the other locals. If you're not doing anything tonight, that is.  
  
Ayame: Oh, yes, I'm free, and I'd like to attend. After all, my existence here has been foreshadowed back in the first season, and I'd like to have a word with whoever was responsible for neglecting me.  
  
Kaji: Sounds like a foreshadowing of more fun to come. 8)  
  
In the anteroom to the Author's Omnipotent Hammerspace Device, Jemu and Evang are trying to decide who will be the welcoming party and who will tend bar and keep an eye on the guests. No, not those obnoxious Atomic Bazooka bait. They do it the time-honored way: hand-to-hand combat.  
  
Jemu pulls up a fist.  
  
Evang counters it with his open palm.  
  
Sada blurts out incredulously, "Jakken po? What the hell?"  
  
Evang: I win. Back inside, Bartender. (Grinning.)  
  
Jemu: I'll have my revenge, Clone. (Exit stage right.)  
  
Sada: (Confused by the byplay.) Eh?  
  
Evang: Long story.  
  
Sada: And we've got time to kill while waiting for our visitor.  
  
Evang: Go see the first episode. It's somewhere in fanfiction.net. Shall we go into the Chamber itself?  
  
Inside the chamber, Evang checks the instrument panel.  
  
Evang: The tunnel is complete! Any moment now, she'll step through.  
  
Sada: I can't wait.  
  
Evang: Now we'll have 2 white ladies in here. Readers will begin to say the SpaceBar is haunted.  
  
Sada: Won't you like that? The SpaceBar will be elevated to the status of galactic legend.  
  
Evang: Hadn't thought of it that way.  
  
The lights on the panel began to blink rapidly, and the ceiling lights go out. Nothing can be seen in the ensuing darkness, save for the panel, lit by the indicators; Evang's Jedi-wannabe outfit, gleaming a faint red; and Sada, who is always visible in any sort of lighting. At Evang's inquiring glance, Sada explained.  
  
Sada: It's an undead thing. Or maybe a psychic thing. I don't give it much thought.  
  
???: Nice atmosphere, guys, but the high-tech blinkers kinda ruin the effect. What gives?  
  
Evang: Sariko, I presume? I'm Evang. Pleasure to meet you, in the flesh. (Tries to flash his teeth in a smile, but ends up giving a leer.)  
  
Sariko: (Looking Evang up and down and returning his leer.) The pleasure is all mine.  
  
Sada: Hello, Sariko. I'm Sada. (Extends her hand.)  
  
Sariko: (Takes the offered hand and shakes it.) Hello. I feel like we're going to be good friends, you and I.  
  
Sada: What a coincidence. I feel the same way too.  
  
The two white clad women smile at each other, and Evang felt a chill run down his spine. He reached into the folds of his robes, and touched The Book's cover for reassurance. Had Jemu made a mistake? Was the SpaceBar about to join the ranks of the Ghost Train, the Flying Dutchman, or perhaps the Titanium? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.  
  
Evang: (Clearing his throat.) If you'll follow me, please, the reception is this way. (Stops as a thought occurred to him.) Do I offer an arm to each of you?  
  
Sada: Good manners would require you do so.  
  
Sariko: Indeed. Don't worry, we'll let you have your arms back.  
  
Evang: (Sarcastic.) You have no idea how much you've reassured me. (Casting Divine Protection under his breath.) Shall we? (Does the arm bit.)  
  
Inside the Main Lounge, well, the 14th Extended Autonomous Robot Corps Round Knight was chilling out. It looked like a reunion of characters from BANGPRESTO's Super Mecha Wars series. Everyone inside had drinks in hand, but strangely, no one had food on their tables. Jemu noticed that Akito, sitting at the bar, looked rather discomfited.  
  
Jemu: Tell me the truth, Cook of Justice.  
  
Akito: What?!  
  
Jemu: You let your wife sneak into the kitchen when you weren't looking, didn't you?  
  
Akito: I can't take a piss and keep an eye on her at the same time!  
  
Jemu: You should have taken her with you when you went to the john. Kept watch on her in the stall while you made a septic deposit.  
  
Akito: That's outrageous!  
  
Jemu: Nothing of the sort! You got nothing that she hasn't seen yet, or felt, now, have you?  
  
Akito: ...  
  
Jemu: Don't you feel sorry for Mr. Banjo Haran and that Maxwell kid? I mean, both of them have sensitive stomachs!  
  
Akito: Alright already! I thought a bartender was supposed to listen, not make me feel worse! (To himself.) Stupid fools. That food wasn't meant for them, it was for that foul sorecerer!  
  
On the dance floor, a dance showdown was in progress. One one side was the Voltes team, the old Getter team, and the Dancougar team. The other side had the Combattler team, the new (not Neo) Getter team, and the Gundam Wing boys, who were complaining to the judges.  
  
Quatre: We don't dance modern. All we do is waltz.  
  
Heero: I'm gonna kill you for that comment, Quatre.  
  
Trowa/Triton: We're not like F4 or something. We're not even Chinese!  
  
Wu Fei: Hey! I'm Chinese! Is there no sense of justcice in this place!  
  
Tsukumo: (From the judge's table.) What do you know of sense of justice? I got shot and died because of that MF sense of justice!  
  
Heero: I'm gonna kill you all.  
  
Relena: Heero! You can't go about killing people for no reason other than you're annoyed with them!  
  
Heero: I'm gonna kill myself.  
  
Ayanami Rei gravitated to the quietest corner of the Lounge. To her irritation, which no once could really notice if it wasn't pointed out by the narrator, it was already occupied by Captain Hoshino, Lapis Lazuli, and a tacit, long-haired brunette who was sketching on a pad.  
  
???: You don't have to look for another table. Neither of us mind you know.  
  
Rei: (Looking at her Nadesico incarnations.) ...  
  
???: Everyone will get along nicely if we kept our catty comments to ourselves. No offense, Ruri.  
  
Ruri: None taken, Tifa.  
  
Lapis: At least the Galaxy Angels cast wasn't invited.  
  
Rei: (Taking a seat.) Thank God Jemu-san doesn't have cable TV.  
  
Tifa: Oh.   
  
Ruri: If they show up, I'll have Hari-kun Gravity Blast them to oblivion.  
  
Tifa: I'll ask Garrod to support it with the Double Satellite Cannon.  
  
Rei: Make sure you leave some for me to tear up.  
  
Lapis: There will be.  
  
Everyone else: Eh???  
  
Lapis: Isn't that Hari-kun with Takasugi-kun at the bar, sipping orange juice and vodka?  
  
It was. Along with Sousuke, Kurz, Amuro, Camille, and other real robot pilots.  
  
Sousuke: So, can I apply for the newtype club?  
  
Amuro: Um, nope.  
  
Kurz: Why not? I can testify that he's definitely weird, and he has two girlfriends.  
  
Sousuke: I don't.  
  
Kurz: Rephrase that to he has two women fighting over him.  
  
Camille: Too few. Sorry.  
  
Judo: What about me? I only got two Purus, and I'm in the club!  
  
Kou: You forgot about Roux again. You are so dead.  
  
Judo: Why am I so dead?  
  
Roux: (Producing a Hyper Hammer with a long chain.) This is why! Pedophile!!!  
  
Roux swung the Hyper Hammer. Being Newtypes, Amuro, Camille, Judo, Jamil, Lancerow, Char/Quatro dodged it easily. Kou, on the other hand, was not so lucky. Neither were the Mithril pilots nor the Nadesico C crewmen.  
  
Kurz: Not fair. I'm blonde and I'm cool. Why can't I be a newtype either? Is it the shades? I've got a sister too, you know.  
  
Char: Is your sister also a kick-ass pilot?  
  
Kurz: No.   
  
Char: There you have it.  
  
Takasugi: If I ever get to my feet, I'm gonna have a word with the author.  
  
Hari: I should have stayed on board. Really.  
  
Kou: (Delirious.) Balancers... failed... calculations... off...  
  
Seabook: Look out guys, she's gonna swing again!  
  
Judo: Seabook! What are you doing here!  
  
Amuro: I didn't notice you at all!  
  
Camille: Me neither.  
  
Seabook: (Striking a dramatic pose.) I'm always the underrated, the loser. Why?  
  
Kou: (Still delirious.) 'Cause I'm "The Winner".  
  
Quatre: (From a table with the other GW chars.) Hey! I'm the only Winner in here!  
  
It is to such craziness that one beleaguered mage entered the Main Lounge, with a literal femme fatale on each arm.  
  
BOS: The Mad Mage Evang, Sada-chan, and...  
  
Sariko: Sariko.  
  
BOS: And Sariko, our newest companion. A toast, ladies and not-so gentlemen.  
  
Derision met BOS's last statement, but everyone got to their feet to welcome the new arrivals. Sariko was looking around, eyeing people like a winemaker eyes grapevines. Sada met her gaze.  
  
Sada: I know what you're thinking. Although they'll be here for the night, we won't be having them for dinner.  
  
Sariko: Darn. Some of them look downright tasty. (Looking in particular at Zechs Merquise.) Mm-umm.  
  
And so it went. Later, after they had eaten safe food, (and after locking up Yurika and Akito in a cage after doping both with Spanish fly and Viagra respectively) which consisted of some hors d'ouvres, the real entertainment began. No, I don't mean the "live show" in the Tenkawa cage.  
  
Kensuke: Hey, Captain Hoshino, look at your mom and dad go!  
  
Ruri: Who? I don't see any royalty anywhere.  
  
Kensuke: What about that tall blond guy with a uraeus and a pair of wings?  
  
Ruri: Uraeus?  
  
Kensuke: Snake head ornament.  
  
Touji: Put that camera away, Kensuke. Would you like it if someone doped you and Asuka with some drug that turned you both into sex fiends and locked you up together - wait, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you?  
  
Asuka: What was that I heard about me and Aida, Suzuhara!?  
  
[Insert sound effects of people getting beaten up here.]  
  
NGE Shinji: For once, I'm not part of such dust clouds.  
  
FMP Shinji: You mean you get into fights a lot?  
  
NGE Shinji: No, just about everytime I find myself here.  
  
FMP Shinji: Doesn't the author get bored with that?  
  
NGE Shinji: He does get bored. He finally got tired of the "let's make Rei and Asuka sexually obsessed with Shinji" plot device.  
  
Asuka: Shinji!!! What was that I heard about me being sexually obsessed with you?  
  
FMP Shinji: (Getting to his feet.) I wasn't saying anything! Why is it that when you tomboy-types see a guy with glasses and a camera you always jump to the conclusion that he's a sex fiend? HUH? ANSWER ME!!! I don't have a dormitory, you know!!!  
  
Asuka: Ah- ah- ah- eh-  
  
FMP Shinji: And people wonder why we guys have aversion to women- huh?!  
  
Suddenly, this particular Shinji found himself hoisted up on the shoulders of his peers and paraded around the Main Lounge like a hero, much to his surprise and to the delight of the other guests, before being plunked down back on his stool.  
  
Ichiro: (To himself.) I wonder when I'm gonna get one of those. (Looks at the joint Kagekidan table.) Probably not.  
  
Ayame: (Appearing suddenly, behind him.) Still talking to yourself, I see.  
  
Ichiro: (Still not looking behind.) Nice trick, Kaede. Can you imitate Sumire too, I'd like to see you try that.  
  
Kaede: Ohgami-san, what are you talking about?  
  
Ayame: Yeah, Ohgami, what are you talking about?  
  
Ichiro: If you weren't the one who spoke, Kaede, who did? (Spins his stool and falls off as he sees who did.) Ayayayayaygyagyeyeyeh- {FAINT}THUD!!!  
  
Coquelicot: What's the matter with Ichiro? Looks like he just saw a ghost and fainted dead away.  
  
  
  
Sweatdrops all around for the original team, as they thought of how to answer the little brunette's question. It was Ayame who did it for them.  
  
Ayame: I don't believe we've met. I'm Fujieda Ayame, Kaede's elder sister. She replaced me after I died in the first game, and let me tell you, it was weird.  
  
Coquelicot: What's weird? Dying?  
  
Ayame: No. Getting possessed by a bad guy, dying, and being reincarnated as St. Michael. Boy, were those loopy plot designs back then.  
  
Coquelicot: Wow. I wanna be an angel too. Erica says she can talk to them.  
  
Ayame: Erica?  
  
Coquelicot: She's our squad leader when Ichiro isn't around.  
  
Lobelia: God help us all. (Tossing down a shot of tequila.)  
  
Ayame: Why? Is she anything like Sakura?  
  
Lobelia: Cherry-girl? She's nothing compared to Sister Superior.  
  
Glycine: How much have you had, Lobelia?  
  
Lobelia: Just enough to give me a slight advantage if you try to outdrink me.  
  
Kanna: I'll take you on that challenge. Whaddaya say, snake-woman, can I outdrink her or not?  
  
Sumire: I'm no primate researcher, so I have no ideas on the drinking capability of you and your kind.  
  
Orihime: 5000 lira on the European convict!  
  
Leni: Double that on Kanna. She's dry as a bone she ought to have no problems winning.  
  
Hanabi: We should stop them, Sakura. You don't want to be associated with Lobelia when she goes over the brim.  
  
Sakura: Does she turn louder? More vulgar? More shocking?  
  
Hanabi: How shocking does ripping her coat and shirt off, with all these men around, sound to you?  
  
Sakura: HOEEEEEEEEE-!(Turns red and faints.)   
  
Erica: Sakura, snap out of it! You don't have a perverted cousin that likes to take videos of whatever you do, for God's sake.  
  
Sakura: I don't?  
  
Erica: Yes! You're no magical girl, just as I'm no damsel in distress! Wrong show!!  
  
Ichiro: (Waking up from his faint.) More like ditzes in distress.  
  
  
  
A hush falls over the table, nay, around the whole Main Lounge.  
  
Sakura: (Eyes blazing.) I heard that.  
  
Erica: (Eyes glowing.) And so did I.  
  
Ichiro: Uh, Ayame-san, does the DCA have any available units?  
  
Ayame: No, afraid not. (Smiles sweetly.)  
  
Ichiro: I'm dead, aren't I?  
  
Kaede: Dear, whatever gave you that idea? Are you turning psychic as well?  
  
Kohran: You might actually give Iris some competition.  
  
Iris: Wai-!! Onii-chan is psychic too! Then we can get married and have lots of psychic children!  
  
Maria: I know where this is heading. (Proceeds to do some vodka shots to knock herself out.) Hey Carlini, beat this!   
  
So, as a three-way drinking match ensued between Kanna, Lobelia and Maria, the remaining members of the Kagekidan split up between trying to kill Ichiro and Iris. The noise level in the Main Lounge is restored, and the party proceeded as before.  
  
Jemu: May I have your attention please?  
  
Tetsuya Tsurugi: What, you're gonna make the real super robot pilots stand up?  
  
Banjo Haran: Unfair, I just got comfortable here!  
  
Duke Fleed: How come I didn't get mentioned in the royalty crack earlier?  
  
Maria Grace Fleed: And me as well?  
  
Duke: Yeah, and my sister too?  
  
Evang: Don't blame us, blame the kid with glasses and camera!  
  
Kyouko: (Seated beside Kaname.) Huh? What did I do?  
  
Kaname: He's probably talking about Shinji.  
  
NGE Shinji: I what?!! I did nothing of the sort!!!  
  
Jemu: We now come to the part called "Singing for your supper." Here's how it works. Due to a foiled assassination attempt, we only have a limited amount of non-poisoned food to pass around. (Waits for the murmurs to subside.) So, we have decided to feed only those characters that perform for their dinner. You can sing, dance, do whatever you think will entertain the rest of us, or else you starve to death. That will be all. Let the performances begin!  
  
A riot nearly broke out, as first the assembled guests tried to murder their hosts and hostesses, and when that failed, as they tried to figure out who would do what. Kaji was on hand, armed with a logbook and a pen, ready to take on the mob.  
  
NGE Shinji: Kaji-san! Put me in the string orchestra!  
  
Kaji: You'll play for whatever these other people decide to do?  
  
Asuka: Pretty smart idea, isn't it? I thought of it.  
  
Touji: I'll go percussion, myself.  
  
Rei: Have you had formal training?  
  
Touji: How hard can it be to pound some taut membranes?  
  
Asuka: Put all of us pilots in the orchsestra! Even wonder girl!  
  
Kensuke: I'll capture the whole thing on video!  
  
FMP Shinji: I'll take polaroids!!!  
  
Kyouko: Nah, digital is better!!!  
  
Kaji: No need to fight kiddies. More is better, I say.  
  
Kurz: Trick shooting counts as a talent, right?  
  
Kaji: Sure. It's better than what these newtypes will be doing.  
  
Sousuke: What's that?  
  
Kaji: They'll be having a spoon-bending competition. What will you be doing?  
  
Sousuke: I'll, uh-  
  
Kaname: I can sing and dance.  
  
Sousuke: I'll, uh-  
  
Tessa: Me too. Maybe we can duet, see who the crowd likes better?  
  
Sousuke: I'll, uh-  
  
Kaname: Splendid idea.  
  
Sousuke: That's it! I'll do a skit, "How Not to Impress Women."  
  
Kaji: Too easy. Sorry, I can't accept it.  
  
Sousuke: Damn.  
  
Kurz: What if you be my target- I mean assistant- for my trick shooting?  
  
Sousuke: I have it. I'll play around with a soccer ball for ten minutes.  
  
Kaji: That's it?  
  
Sousuke: In the Arbalest.  
  
Kaji: I see. Alright, I'll allow it. And you, miss?  
  
Melissa: I'm afraid my... special talents... aren't for public viewing. But just for you, maybe I can-  
  
Kaji: Nice try lady. Misato already tried that line, and my answer is still no.  
  
Kurz: Why don't you parade down a walkway in your lingerie?  
  
Sousuke: Yeah, you'd be a hit with all the men in here.   
  
Kaname: Spoken like a true underwear thief.  
  
Kaji: That's an idea! (Producing a megaphone.) Attention ladies! If you can't think of any talent to show, why not sign up for the lingerie show? Guaranteed food tickets, limited offer only!  
  
Cheers from the men and glasses from the women rained on Kaji.  
  
Kaji: Ouch. That's bad. Oh well, if you don't want that, you can always join the wet T-shirt/camisole contest...  
  
Cheers from the men and glasses from the women rained on Kaji. Again.  
  
Kaji: I ought to demand hazard pay for this. But I won't! There's also an alcohol endurance contest, where we detox you of all chemicals before seeing how much booze you can handle. Open to both genders!!!  
  
Jemu: That's actually a smart idea. If they get blasted with booze, they won't be in the mood to eat anymore, which means more for everyone else.  
  
Tsukumo: With your permission, I'd like to do the enlistment guy thing as well.  
  
Jemu: Go ahead. Kaji's currently in publicity stunt mode right now. I'm counting on you.  
  
Tsukumo: Enlistment #2 here! No talent you can think of? Take the Triple Gekiganger Challenge!  
  
Super Robot Pilots: What's that?  
  
Tsukumo: All you have to do is to knock down these three Gekigan types piloted by me, Tsukiomi-san, and Saburota-san!  
  
Tsukiomi Genichiro: What am I doing here?  
  
Saburota Takasugi: Same thing as I am, bit roles. It's been a while since I've sat in one of these.  
  
Genichiro: You're a turncoat as well? Give it up here!!  
  
Meanwhile, the pilots took a really good look at the Gekigan-types. Immediately, some pilots' Kiryoku jumped to 115.   
  
Ryoma: Sign me up!  
  
Hayato: Me too!!  
  
Musashi: Count me in!  
  
Tsukumo: Classic Getter team, OK. Anyone else.  
  
Tetsuya: Me. I want in.  
  
Tsukumo: Great Mazinger. Hmm.  
  
Back to Kaji. Despite initial protests, a surprising amount of women signed up for the "Wet Lingerie Show/Contest."  
  
Bright: I shudder to think of it. (Shudders.)  
  
Kane: What, they put on a lingerie show-  
  
Light: Then drench the models later with booze?  
  
Tapp: Sounds good to me! Hey, Miz Noin, whatcha gonna be doing?  
  
Noin: The question is what will you three be doing?  
  
Kane: We'll be posing as some sort of rock group.  
  
Light: Yeah. Metal Armor D. How does that grab you?  
  
Noin: It doesn't.  
  
Tapp: Yeah? And what about you, Ms. High-and-Mighty Instructor?  
  
Noin: Isn't it obvious? (Attaching herself to Zechs' arm.) We'll waltz. (Moves away.)  
  
Jamil: You're going to have some rather intersting competition tonight, D-Team.  
  
Kane: And you are?  
  
Jamil: Jamil Neate. Newtype, at your service.   
  
Tapp: Competition from who?  
  
Jamil: From the Nadesico trio. Call themselves the Buttercups.  
  
Light: Bring 'em on. Anyone cute, by the way?  
  
Jamil: Not cute. Attractive.  
  
Tapp: What will you be performing, Mr. Newtype?  
  
Kane: Bend some spoons?  
  
Jamil: No. I'll be putting on a light show with Garrod and Tifa. Roy, Witz, and Enil are going to do a comedy act. Sara and Tonya, much to my shame, will be on the meat market.  
  
Bright: Joining the wet contest, eh? At least your series-mates are funny. Mine have no imagination. Spoon-bending marathon? Jeez.  
  
Sariko: I've read something that in the olden times, they had tournaments whenever they had parties. The men would sign up for various events, their names displayed on lists for all to see.  
  
Sada: That's where the term 'the lists' originated, right?  
  
Evang: (Floating up to the raised table where the two were conversing.) Boy, that slipped out of control.  
  
Sada: What did?   
  
Evang: We meant it to be a parody of the Miss Nadesico episode or something.  
  
Sariko: And now it's back in the 16th century?  
  
Evang: You said it. We got singers, dancers, musicians, acrobats, comedies, even mecha-style jousts!  
  
Sariko: All this for me? I'm flattered. Really.  
  
Jemu: (Pulling himself up.) Well, it's not everyday we welcome two new residents here.  
  
Sariko: So, when can I have my backstory? You know, what I can do, how I came to be, etc.  
  
Evang: Maybe next episode, or maybe the Halloween episode. Wanna see the partial lists?  
  
Sada: Sure.  
  
THE LISTS  
  
Event: Triple Gekiganger Challenge Free-for-All  
  
Participants:  
  
Getter Robo Team "'Mitsu no kokoro o hitotsu ni awase' is a direct rip-off! Die Gekiganger!"  
  
Great Mazinger (Tetsuya Tsurugi) "Just look at us! Clone!!!"  
  
Mazinger Z (Kouji Kabuto) "This looks like fun."  
  
Zambot Team "It's one thing to steal 3 no mecha ga hitotsu ni na hate, but even the 3? Grow up!"  
  
Daitarn 3 (Banjo Haran, fully recovered) "Only I can be brought down by bad fish! I alone!"  
  
Daimos (Kazuya Ryuuzaki) "Rubber-armor enemies? I'll show you!!!"  
  
Combattler Team: "'Jetto! Marin! Tanku! Are go!?' Go to hell!"  
  
Voltes Team: "The sword! The sword! And we don't mean Ken Tenkuu!"  
  
Rules: Everyone starts at 130 Kiryoku. No Conformal Parts allowed. No seishin allowed. Remaining unit(s) after the 3 Gekigan-types fall wins.  
  
Event: Wet Lingerie Show  
  
Participants:  
  
Misato Katsuragi "At least it's beer they'll pour over you."  
  
Ritsuko Akagi "I haven't been in one of these since college."  
  
Ines Fressange "I've done this before, I think."  
  
Melissa Mao "Somehow I get the feeling this isn't going to be the first time someone stared at me in my underwear."  
  
Sara and Tonya (aka Freeden bridge bunnies) "We'll show those Ms. Nadesico participants!"  
  
Event: Cotillion (DEATH TO YAOI PAIRINGS!!!)  
  
Participants:  
  
Heero & Relena "I wanna kill myself." "There, there, you souldn't say such things."  
  
Duo & Hilde "You know how to waltz, Hilde?" "No." "Good." "Huh?"  
  
Wufei & Sally "If I hear the word justice during this dance I will knee your groin." "I hear you, woman."  
  
Trowa/Triton & Catherine "It feels odd, dancing with my sister." "We're not the only siblings here, see below." "Where's Quatre, sis?" "He'll be playing in the orchestra." "Ok, then."  
  
Milliardo & Lucrezia "Are we the only ones whose names look old?" "Who are you calling old?" PINCH. "Ow. Sorry. I meant mature."  
  
Duke and Maria Grace "So annoying when there's another Maria in the house, onii-chan." "Just as well." "What are you talking about?" "I honestly don't know."  
  
Richter & Erica "So annoying when there's another Erica in the house, onii-chan." "Especially if she's as ditzy as you are." [Insert Hissatsu! Reppu Seiken Zuki animation here.] "Ouch!" "I learned some things from my husband."  
  
Event: Battle of the Bands  
  
Participants:  
  
Metal Armor D (aka Dragonar Team)  
  
The Buttercups (aka Ryoko from Nadesico, Izumi, Hikaru from Nadesico)  
  
Ai no Chikara (aka Dancougar Team)  
  
Akira and the Coplanders "I've been saving my voice for good reason." "So that's why you haven't said a word throughout this shit." "Let's blow this place away!"  
  
Performances:  
  
Spectacular Light Show by Jamil, Garrod, Tifa, and the G-Bits.  
  
2 Guys, a Girl, and a Mobile Suit: a stand-up act by Witz, Roy, and Enil  
  
Hyper Aura Knife Infommercial by The Seisenshi  
  
Mr. Newtype dance number by Amuro, Camille, Char/Quatro, Judo, Seabook.  
  
Kaji: There's more to come, but the author's out of ideas.  
  
Tsukumo: Isn't that an oxymoron?  
  
Gai: We still haven't seen what the Sakura Taisen cast are going to perform.  
  
Ayame: Whatever it is, it's bound to be a good show.  
  
Kaji: Will the author ever get tired of sending all available members to destroy Ichiro?  
  
Gai: I think he's a member of the Ohgami-Must-Die club.  
  
Tsukumo: Ichiro should be part of the Mr. Newtype performance, then.  
  
Ayame: He'd do better as a solo act, singing 'To all the girls I've fooled before...'  
  
Kaji: You know the girls very well, don't you, Ayame-san?  
  
Ayame: Just the original team, yes.  
  
Kaji: Could you persuade them to sing, "Hopelessly trying to win you'?  
  
Ayame: How does that song go?  
  
Tsukumo: 'Guess mine is not the first heart broken..."  
  
Ayame: A fitting song for my baby sister and her friends, but no. It hits too close to home, you see.  
  
3 Gunned Men: Ooooohhh.  
  
Ayame: I meant that it crushes me to think of my sister as having fallen for that bounder!  
  
Gai: Um, so, what do you think your sister will perform?  
  
Ayame: She might sing. She's got a pretty good voice, actually.  
  
Kaji: I see. (Making a note on his logbook.)  
  
Ayame: I'm curious about the Parisiennes, though.  
  
Kaji: I hope they dance can-can!  
  
At mention of the kinky dance, the members of the Paris Hanagumi teleport in around Kaji, beat him silly, then teleport back into the crowd.  
  
Kaji: Did someone get the number of that N2 mine that whapped me?  
  
Ayame: What in the world just happened?  
  
Gai: It's a cyclic lexically activated contingency transportation event.  
  
Ayame: Huh? It happened in a flash...  
  
Tsukumo: Let me call Dr. Ines to explain.  
  
Ines: (Suddenly appearing.) This is a rather uncomfortable time for such an explanation, Shiratori-san, considering my state of dress.  
  
Ayame: Or undress.  
  
Gai: What are you wearing! Or, what aren't you wearing!  
  
Ines: Let me explain. I was trying out the things I'm supposed to model later on in the night when all of a sudden I heard someone say the word explain. So I immediately got transported into the space-time coordinates nearest to the person who said it.  
  
Ayame: Ahh. So, for the Paris Hanagumi, the magic word is "can-can"?  
  
No response.  
  
Ines: Theirs might be more complex forms of the phemomenon. Perhaps it is also gender-sensitive for them. Gai, would you like to aid in the advancement of science? I need an intrepid assistant.  
  
Gai: Not to worry, doctor. What is it you require?  
  
Ines: What's the last thing Kaji said before the Paris Hanagumi knocked him silly?  
  
Gai: He said he wanted the Paris Hanagumi to perform can-can, I think-  
  
  
  
At mention of the kinky dance, the members of the Paris Hanagumi teleported in around Gai, beat him silly, then teleported back into the crowd.  
  
Tsukumo: Scary shit. I think I'll go sit with Minato for a while.  
  
Ayame: You mean you want to sit near your sister and make sure that Jun doesn't pull any fast ones when you're not looking.  
  
Tsukumo: I'm not worried about him, or my sister.  
  
Ayame: Don't pretend, Tsukumo. I've a younger sister too. I know what I'm talking about.  
  
Tsukumo: You don't know Jun, then. He's so reverse of Ohgami that- hey, how did you know about my sister? I never told you about her yet!  
  
Ayame: Continuity error.  
  
Kaji: Uhhh. Gawd. (Realigning his limbs.) That hurt a lot.  
  
Gai: That's the last time I get taken in by a blonde in a sheer camisole. I can't even feel my legs!  
  
Thanks to the party, no one was watching the Plot Device Indicator as it flashed out its warning with its lights that were blinking. And the lights said that multiple hammerspace/reality rifts have opened and closed six seconds apart.  
  
Axel: How pathetic. No guards, automated sentries, no nothing.  
  
Lamia: General, according to my readings, there is a way of taking over the station without damaging it at all.  
  
Axel: Really? I suppose there's a sign saying "Do not pull power cord" somewhere, hmm?  
  
Lamia: Actually, it's more like "Mind-altering chemicals stored here."  
  
Axel: What are we waiting for? Let's go for it.  
  
Lamia: General, look at all the mecha parked outside!  
  
Axel: I'm sure their pilots are "parked" inside. Have the Geshpents, the Hyukkebines, and the Excellence guard our units.   
  
Lamia: Already done sir.  
  
Axel: Good.   
  
Pulling out his unit's laser blade, Axel cut a hole in the SpaceBar's hull. Klaxons went off all over the station, but since everybody was either having too much fun or drunk, nobody gave a damn. Axel pulled on his spacesuit and opened his cockpit. Lamia did the same.  
  
Axel: I hope you passed your infiltration/hihacking training, doll.  
  
Lamia: I was not trained, sir, the knowledge was hardwired into my brain.  
  
Axel: Good. Because I didn't.  
  
Lamia: General!  
  
Axel: Ya-hooooo!  
  
With a whoop, Axel propelled himself in.  
  
Lamia: Lemon-sama, he doesn't need an assistant, he needs a baby-sitter.  
  
Resigned to making sure that they both came back alive, she went in after him. Soon they found themselves in a lab of sorts.  
  
Axel: (Squinting at the labeled beakers and test tubes.) Aha!  
  
Lamia: What is it, General? What did you find!  
  
Axel held up a stoppered beaker. It was labeled in large letters as "Formula H-XXX-R18NC17." In slightly smaller font was written: "Do not allow inhalation by anime pilots and their girlfriends." At least, that's what Axel read in the gloom. He quickly pocketed it, and a second container of the same, just to be sure.  
  
Axel: I have the agent.  
  
Lamia: Are we going to their ventilation main and pipe it in to each room?  
  
Axel: No, we might not have enough to do so.  
  
Lamia: Then again, we might.  
  
Axel: Where's the glory in that?  
  
Lamia: What do you want to do, then?  
  
Axel: (Pulls out a palmtop.) According to the readings, they're all in one room. We go there, demand their surrender, or else I expose them to this.  
  
Lamia: That's insane! You're insane!  
  
Axel: (Grabbing Lamia's chin and pulling her in for a quick peck to the lips.) Damn, and you're so cute. Too cute, especially when you get uppity.  
  
Come on, doll, we have a station to hijack.  
  
Lamia: (Stunned.) ...  
  
Axel: (Pulling her along.) Come now, no sense wasting time and opportunity.  
  
Grabbing a gas mask for himself, because he didn't think his android sidekick needed it, Axel led Lamia to what his palmtop told him was the gathering point for the whole Earthian Super Robot Force.  
  
Axel: Ready?  
  
Lamia: If I said no, will it stop you?  
  
Axel: What do you think? (Readies his foot.)  
  
Lamia: The doors slide open when someone moves near them. (Demonstrates the fact.) See?  
  
Axel: So much for the element of surprise.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	4. Spacebar Second Stage IV

SpaceBar Second Stage by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
*Standard Disclaimers Apply.*  
  
EPISODE 4: The First Lemon?  
  
Previously on SpaceBar Second Stage: The crazy Shadow Mirror general Axel and his yummy assistant/baby-sitter/nanny (ooh, nanny, kinky) Lamia have infiltrated the station in the middle of another senseless party. Axel has brought out two beakers filled with Formula H-XXX-R18NC17 for all to see.  
  
Everyone's attention was turned to the sliding doors, and to the two figures standing in the doorway.  
  
Axel: Wow, I've seen welcoming parties for me before, but this really takes the cake.  
  
Jemu: Axel Aruma. I was wondering when you'd show up.  
  
Lamia: That's General Axel Aruma to you, lower life form.  
  
Evang: And you brought your pet combat chobit as well.  
  
Lamia: I AM NOT A CHOBIT!!!  
  
Taking advantage of the perpetual hammerspace field inside the station, Lamia whips out a minigun from thin air and sets the barrels spinning. In response, Evang spreads his fingers in preparation for a spell, while everyone else jumps for cover, except for the martial artists among the pilots, who go into their fighting stances.  
  
Jemu: (Pulls out his favorite six-shooters upgraded with Techno-Magical Ammo Replenishers.) Witness the speed and agility of newtypes. From sitting on the tables to hiding under them in 0.5 seconds. Heh.  
  
Axel: Lamia! Put that minigun away! For now, that is.  
  
Lamia: Hmph! (Lowers the weapon, pointing it to the floor.) Spoil my fun, why don't you.  
  
Axel: Listen up, all of you. (He notices the cage and its occupants.) What the hell?! I thought this place was reputable!  
  
The newtypes and other people hiding under the tables burst out laughing. Even the martial artists cracked quick smiles, then resumed their stoic mien.  
  
Jemu: That's it, laugh. After all the good I've done for you...  
  
Axel: Ahem. As I was saying, I am claiming this station as property of the Shadow Mirror. Resistance will be met with (Pauses for dramatic effect.) a fate worse than death.  
  
Banjo Haran: That would be eating Tenkawa's cooking, right?  
  
Duo: You mean it was actually meant as food? I thought it was the contents of the dumpster!  
  
Akito: (Groggily.) I told you - wasn't me. Was Yurika.  
  
Kanna: At least our curry cooking project turned out fine.  
  
Sumire: Palatable. Just palatable.  
  
Kohran: Probably becuase you were part of the cooking as well.  
  
Sumire: Say that again!?  
  
Axel: A-HEM!!! I'm trying to start a negotiation/stand-off here! (Raises the two beakers of Formula H-XXX-R18NC17.)  
  
Everyone: Ooh. Scary. What's that? Looks like some sort of chemical or something.  
  
Evang: Where did you get that?  
  
Axel: Recognize these?   
  
Lamia: Your laboratory was most unguarded.  
  
Axel: Here are my terms. Surrender this station, or I will gas everyone in this room with the agent. Be warned, this agent has detrimental effects on anime pilots and their girlfriends.  
  
Jemu: Evang!! What manner of shit is he holding in his hands?  
  
Evang: It's something I've been working on secretly. It turns all those it affects into mindless organisms whose sole driving instinct is to have as many orgasms as possible.   
  
Sada: Whatever did you design it for?  
  
Evang: Orbital bombardment scenarios, for use against entrenched troops.   
  
Axel: Ah. And failing that?  
  
Evang: A second agent, which I am still researching, will cause those who have been exposed to the first agent to mutate unpredictably, leading to the creation of a subspecies of man, or to a horrible death.  
  
Axel: Such evil genius! I could use one on my side! So, how about joining me, and I'll let you continue your experiments on this station?  
  
Evang: Why would I want to do that?  
  
Axel: Why shouldn't you? There are a lot of prospective subjects to be used once I capture this station and turn it over to you. (Indicates the guests.)  
  
Evang: Thanks, but- (Throws an ice shard at Axel.) No thanks!!!  
  
Lamia's minigun turns the icicle into snowflakes. Axel quickly puts on his gas mask, and prepares to throw both beakers.  
  
Axel: Oh, and if I don't make it out of here, I'd like to inform you that I've left a bunch of BANGPRESTO Originals and Not-So-Originals with orders to destroy your station.  
  
Lamia: Um, General maybe we should-  
  
Pilots: WHAT!!!  
  
Axel: (Tossing both beakers and shattering them against the ceiling.) What is it now?  
  
Lamia: (Covering her nose.) I don't have gas mask.  
  
Axel: You don't need one, you're an android!  
  
Lamia: (Grasping his shoulders.) I WAS an android.   
  
Forgetting the presence of the orgasmic gas, the pilots gasp. Then they start gagging and coughing like crazy, even the martial artists.  
  
Evang: Jemu! Protect the Paris Hanagumi at all costs!  
  
Jemu: What about the others?  
  
Evang: Just do as I say for once!  
  
Jemu: Oh, alright. Coquelicot, I'm coming!  
  
BOS: Very bad pun, under the circumstances.  
  
Sada: This is all your fault, Evang!!  
  
Sariko: Endless orgasms. Hmmm.  
  
Sada: You don't have to look so happy about it.  
  
Sariko: What can I say? I'm an addict.  
  
Jemu: BOS, can you do something?  
  
BOS: I'd like to but-  
  
The Main Lounge shudders as if it had been hit by a Black Hole Cannon. Which is just what happened.  
  
Axel: What's happening? It's too soon!  
  
Lamia: General!! (Falls on her knees and wraps her arms around his legs.)  
  
Axel: Shit! This isn't supposed to happen!!  
  
Jemu: Repulse Barrier!  
  
Evang: Shortcut!!  
  
Behind the barrier, the Paris Hanagumi, the Teito Hanagumi, and the Full Metal Panic crew ("We haven't tested our Armor Slaves for space conditions yet, and we don't intend to do so with live fire.") kept a wary distance from the wall of light. The trapdoor from season 1 opened, following Evang's command. But instead of stairs, there was instead a huge slide leading to the dark depths.  
  
Evang: Sorry for all of this, people. If you want to leave, take this slide straight to the hangar/drydock. You'll have to fight your way through Geshpents, Excellences, Hyukkebines, and lord knows what else.  
  
Kei: Better than being stuck here and turning into sex fiends.  
  
Gou: ... Let's go.  
  
Gai: (Wiping his nose against his sleeve.) Ok!!  
  
Daigouji: I wanna fight too! Yee-ha!  
  
In as many seconds as there have been series in Super Mecha Wars, the Main Lounge was emptied of pilots. Save for the Tenkawas.  
  
Akito: Hey, let us out of here. (Rattling the bars of the cage.)  
  
Yurika: No, ignore him! (Trying to wrest his hands away.)  
  
By now, the released Formula H-XXX-R18NC17 had gathered into a roiling red thundercloud that was slowly stretching toward the cage. Axel and Lamia were nowhere to be seen, presumably lost in the swirling red mist.  
  
Akito: No! Not another 4 hours of non-stop sex!  
  
Yurika: Yes! Another 4 hours of non-stop sex!  
  
Akito: I'm going to die!!!  
  
Yurika: Eh? Akito, that's supposed to be my line. Yours is "I'm going to kill you."  
  
Akito: Huh? I thought that was Yuy-san's line.  
  
Jemu: Don't just stand there, do something.   
  
Evang: Why? They're perfectly safe!  
  
Sariko: You mean the cage is enchanted?  
  
Evang: No. Formula H-XXX-R18NC17 won't affect them in any way.  
  
Sada: What are you saying?!  
  
Evang: I'll go into detail later. (Summons an Interdimensional Supaa Sucker.)  
  
Jemu: What are you going to do with that water gun?  
  
Evang: This isn't a water gun. You're thinking of the Supaa Sou-ka. The Supaa Sucker works in reverse.  
  
Jemu: What, you pull the trigger, pump the handle, and stick it into water?  
  
Evang: Exactly, except that the Interdimensional model works on gas and radiation.  
  
BOS: And when the Supaa Sucker gets full, you can use it as a man-portable buster rifle! What an amazing product! It normally sells for-  
  
Jemu: BOS?  
  
BOS: Sorry. I got carried away watching that Hyper Aura Knife Infommercial.  
  
Evang: Let's clean this place up.  
  
Jemu: I thought technology wasn't your strong suit.  
  
Evang: So sue me.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
A few minutes later, they had contained the all of the Formula H-XXX-R18NC17 in two Supaa Suckers. Jemu was busy transferring the gas into a warhead as Evang explained the real use of the gas. When he wasn't looking at Axel and Lamia going at it like a couple of rabbits, that is.  
  
Evang: The reason why I said Akito and Yurika were safe from hours of mindless, pleasurable sex is because the gas was meant to be used against characters that have only appeared in games.  
  
Axel: (Looking up from the valley between Lamia's breasts that he had been exploring.) What!?  
  
Ichiro: So that's why you ordered Jemu to protect just the Paris Hanagumi.  
  
Evang: True.   
  
Axel: You lied to me! You lied to ME?!  
  
Lamia: More, General, please- ahn! Deeper!!  
  
Coquelicot: I wanna see! Erica!  
  
Erica: I don't want you to see it either!  
  
Of the Hanagumi, only Lobelia was staring, unabashedly of course, at the copulating visitors.  
  
Lobelia: Go girl! No, raise your knees to the sides of your- yes, just like that. Attagirl.  
  
Sumire: This is the last time I'm going to attend a party in this- this-  
  
Sakura: This is all your fault, Ohgami-san!  
  
Ichiro: I didn't recall inviting any of you to come with me. I was hoping to meet some new faces, without you running interference.  
  
Hanabi: You mean, without any of us telling your prospect what a cad you are.  
  
Glycine: You really can't trust Japanese. (Corrects herself at Hanabi's glare.) Japanese men, I mean.  
  
Orihime: All except for my father, that is.  
  
Kanna: That's our Taichou for you.  
  
Ichiro: (Jumping up and producing a mike and a fake mustache.) A-KO SHI MI-SU-TA SU-WA-BE, OH OH OH OH GU-RA-BE, HA-BU-RIN NAN BA-BA-E, A-RA-U MAN O GA-BE.  
  
Bigsweats everywhere!  
  
Ichiro: Tenkawa, you know this song! C'mon!  
  
Akito: If I sing, will you let me out? Yurika's getting real cuddly again. I don't know of I can hold out much longer.  
  
Ichiro: Out of ammo?  
  
Akito: No. I'm dead tired.  
  
Yurika: But I'm trying to bring you back to life!!  
  
One confused struggle later...  
  
Jemu: What I'd like to know is when Lamia turned from W17 to Wait, She's Just 17.  
  
Lamia: (Takes Axel's manhood out of her mouth.) When I had finished filming both Super and Real Robot paths. No pun intended- ow! (Cranes her neck to pout at Axel.) What did you bite me for, General?  
  
Axel: Because you make bad puns and taste real good. (Takes another nibble at the pale thigh so close to his mouth.)  
  
BOS: Anybody want to see the way the Real Robot Space Bowl outside is progressing? I've got a live feed.  
  
Kohran: I wanna watch!  
  
Ichiro: Kohran, you'll be watching robots getting smashed by other robots.  
  
Kohran: So long as there aren't any Koubu out there.  
  
Lamia: Let me up, please, General Axel. I want to watch too.  
  
Axel: Only if you'll sit in my lap so I can have access to your neck, shoulders, ears, sides, belly, thighs and breasts. Especially your breasts. (Cupping them to prove his point.)  
  
Lamia: (Sighing, and leaning back into him.) If you insist.  
  
BOS brought the screen up as everybody positioned themselves for the best view.  
  
Jemu: Hey, where's the FMP team?  
  
Evang: They asked permission to run 0G combat sims for their units. Let them be, they'll be busy.  
  
Sada: That's Tsukumo, isn't it?  
  
Jemu: In the Denjin? Yeah.  
  
Sariko: I thought he was piloting a Dai-Tetsujin.  
  
Evang: Dai-Tetsujin is the name of his robot. It's a Denjin-class Gekigan-type unit.  
  
Jemu: Who's the real tech-guy between the two of us?  
  
Evang: Don't you see? It's Parallel Processing!!  
  
As the two proprietors slugged it out behind the audience, the audience were being entertained by exploding Geshpents Mk I's and II's, and Argent Fighters. On opposite sides of the screen, the Hyukkebines caught their enemies in a micromissile crossfire. Super Robots that couldn't separate or dodge well enough were blown to bits, as well as other things that couldn't take that many micromissiles.  
  
BOS: Scratch 2 Mazingers, Daitarn-3 and Ra Xephon's grandpa.  
  
Sada: No more Dendrobium. But Kou's still there. Shame.  
  
Sariko: That battleship with the little colorful things flying around it seems to be doing well.  
  
Akito: I need to go out there!  
  
Yutika: I knew it! You just want to score brownie points with Ruri, don't you? You pedophile!   
  
Akito: I'm not a pedophile! She's already 16!  
  
GASPS! Even Jemu and Evang stop fighting to gasp and stare.  
  
Ichiro: Like I keep telling you - pedophiles are like the truth. They're out there...  
  
Coquelicot: How come I never noticed you trying to look at us when we bathe?  
  
Ichiro: (Smiling evilly.) I'm so good...  
  
Iris: Iyaaa... onii-chan is hentai.  
  
Kaede: Ohgami-san!!! Shame on you!!!  
  
Ichiro: Not really. I'd be really hentai, now, if I was peeking in on the Bara-gumi.   
  
He shudders, and so do the others.  
  
Ayame: I ought to kill you for that, you know. Eeeeewww. Naked bishonen queens.  
  
BOS: I have to warn you though, that if things continue on this disturbing trend in this episode, your going to start to write like the 10 o' clock Assassin.  
  
Jemu: At least I won't engage in literary surgery. Be sure of that.  
  
BOS: Eyng?  
  
Evang: No growing of penises on women. That's doujinshi stuff.  
  
Maria: Thank god for that much.  
  
BOS: Just the usual harem/herder fuck-the-flock round-the-clock, eh?  
  
Jemu: Since when did you become so vulgar, BOS?  
  
Sada: Hey, something's happening.  
  
The space around the SpaceBar was a mess. Mecha parts were literally everywhere. And a bright line of light appeared, like a cut on a tent wall, drawing the surviving good guys' attentions.  
  
Tsukumo: I don't like the looks of this.  
  
Gai: What is it?  
  
Shinji: Another Shito attack?  
  
Touji: From space?  
  
Asuka: Were you expecting Martians?  
  
Rei: The only Martians here are inside the SpaceBar, making out again.  
  
Shinji: I'm so glad I'm through that phase.  
  
Ruri: Hari-kun, damage report.  
  
Hari: Go ask for it yourself. (Begins to weep.) After all these months of turning down offers from the female bridge bunnies so I could keep myself pure for you, only to find out that- that- I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sheila: What's wrong with him?  
  
Shou: I dunno. I don't understand kids these days.  
  
Marvel: Growing up pains?  
  
Galaria: Maybe.   
  
Sheila: Goran Gran to Nadesico C, what's your status?  
  
Ruri: We've taken severe hits and need to return to the SpaceBar drydocks for repair.  
  
Jemu: Any casualties?  
  
Ruri: ...  
  
Jemu: I'll take that as a "They're all dead."  
  
Axel: Umm. Uhh. Sorry to bring this up now, but- (Pulls Lamia's head away from his chest.) cut it out, babe.  
  
Lamia: Hmm? Why?  
  
Evang: What do you have to say, Aruma?  
  
Axel: I need to talk, my sweet. (Holding Lamia against him, securing her arms to her sides.) That slash of light means that a Shadow Mirror mothership is coming through. Probably Lemon getting impatient and deciding to go see what's taking me so long to secure a foothold for the invasion.  
  
Jemu: You seen rather chatty about all this.  
  
Evang: It must be a side effect of Formula H, though I really can't be sure at this time.  
  
Sada: What do you mean you're not sure?  
  
Evang: Put simply, this is the field test of the Formula.   
  
BOS: I hate to interrupt, but my sensors indicate a lare space-time distortion coming from behind that rift, or "slash of light" if you prefer.  
  
Axel: Yay, you can expect a bigger fight now. My honor guard will look like nothing compared to all the nasties inside a Shadow Mirror mothership.  
  
Lamia: Lemon will still probably get this station. Or what remains of it.  
  
Sariko: You speak like you'll be miles away from the destruction.  
  
Lamia: We won't be hurt. I can't say the same for you though.  
  
Jemu: Really? Tell me Axel, how happy is Lemon going to be when she sees that instead of capturing a measly station, not only have you lost a bunch of your troops to Round Knight, but you've been just making love with her best creation?  
  
Axel: Um... not very?  
  
Evang: She probably won't show up at you're wedding. Maybe at your funeral.  
  
BOS: I have good news and bad news.  
  
Jemu: Report.  
  
BOS: Good news first. All remaining Round Knight forces have been eliminated from the battlefield.  
  
Sariko: That's good news?  
  
BOS: They're not dead. I just returned them to their proper places in the mechaverse, as well as their cast-mates, whenever they 'died.' Like, where are the Class A Boson jumpers now?  
  
Sada: Akito and Yurika? They're- gone...  
  
BOS: I told you.  
  
Evang: What exactly killed them?  
  
Axel: Advance guard units from the mothership, probably. Some three dozen Gurngusts, at most.  
  
Lamia: As well as some Go-Nagurls, MP Combattlers, and Greats.  
  
Evang: OK. What's the bad news?  
  
BOS: Saving those pilots strained our hammerspace facilities severely, almost overloading the crude chronosphere inside the core.  
  
Sada: What's so bad about that?  
  
Jemu: We won't be able to jump back to 1925 Japan or anytime else if those things decide to finish us with one big final beam.  
  
Evang: If the SpaceBar goes down, no one will respawn again, ever.  
  
Axel: Including us? WAAAAAHHH!!!  
  
Sariko: Damn. And I just got here.  
  
Silence fills the room.  
  
Lamia: There is still a way out of this.  
  
All eyes fasten on her.  
  
Lamia: Lemon-sama is not an unreasonable person. So...  
  
Jemu: Forget it. The SpaceBar is mine, and I am not giving it up. I'll go down with it, if need be.  
  
Lamia: Then you must withstand the siege until the mothership fully emerges from the rift.  
  
Axel: I wonder why we keep having engine problems whenever we try to enter this dimension.  
  
Evang: I'm sorry about this, Ichiro, girls. There always seems to be a battle whenever you visit.  
  
BOS: Lamia, are those units you mentioned AI controlled or piloted by soldiers?  
  
Lamia: They all follow instructions from the mothership.   
  
BOS: So if the mothership goes down...  
  
Lamia: In that unlikely event, the units inside it and outside will be useless.  
  
Jemu: BOS, I think I know what your plan is. You've been through this before, right? Defending from a siege, that is.  
  
BOS: Gonna be interesting. What will we be using for a shield, this time?  
  
Jemu: I don't know. Evang?  
  
Evang: I'll just turn the whole station invisible to sight and sensors. Needs to be maintained though.  
  
BOS: Great. Here's the plan. The key is Mr. Ohgami and his fan club...  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
30 minutes later  
  
The mothership was floating in an uncharted region of, well not really uncharted, space. It was facing where it assumed, correctly, the SpaceBar would be were it visible.  
  
"Hail them," came the command.  
  
A comm window opened. Fools, Lemon thought, now I have your locations! "All guns target on signal coordinates."  
  
A tactical window showed the firing angle of the guns relative to the target, as a face appeared in the comm window. "Hello? Anybody here?"  
  
"Axel! What the hell have you been doing?"  
  
"Me? Nothing, really, just boinking your living sex doll."  
  
"You've what?!?!?"  
  
"You know, Lamia? Green hair, big eyes, bigger boobs than yours-"  
  
"ALL GUNS FIRE NOW!!!"  
  
"Battle control computer locations confirmed," BOS sang out.  
  
The station shook a little as their cloaking enchantment changed to a defensive one in the blink of an eye. "Locations?" Ichiro blurted out.  
  
"There are three areas in the ship where data is being sent to and from rapidly before the ship fired."  
  
Jemu nodded. "Change of plans. Sada will still deep strike, but at the security control instead. Once she sends word that their shield is down, we'll torpedo you girls in three separayte tubes."  
  
Ichiro blinked. "I'm a guy."   
  
"Oh. Sorry."  
  
The station shook again. "Jemu will sortie in one of his 'Originals.' Hopefully, it will be LL and get their attention - and firepower," Evang chanted, still in a lotus position and concentrating on the shield spell.  
  
Axel spun his chair away from the comm console and faced the others. "Lemon says she'll be throwing my stuff out into space, and that if I liked Lamia over her that much, she'll just send us both to hell together."  
  
"I take it that you're free now?" Lamia asked him, plopping herself into his lap. Axel grinned. "Free for you now, babe."  
  
"So, if I asked the two of you two help me fight against your former allies, your answers would be...?"  
  
Lamia and Axel looked at each other. "Okay with us."  
  
"Great. So tell me, how do you feel about combination units?"  
  
"You mean part of me goes into a part of her? Kinky."  
  
"Enemy mobile weapons have launched from the station," stated the inhuman voice of the ship's computer.   
  
"They dare match units with me? Mazingers, Combattlers, Go-Nagurls, attack! Gurngusts, formation to intensify your final beams!" Lemon ordered her pets. "Axel, W17 - no, Lamia - you will pay for betraying me!"  
  
  
  
"Axel, you ready?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Lamia?"  
  
"Yes, Jemu."  
  
"Alrighty! All together now! Let's-!"  
  
"COMPILE!!!" they screamed all at once, pressing a red button and pulling a lever on their respective consoles.  
  
[Insert a rip-off transformation & combination sequence here.]  
  
GAN GAN GAN GAN!!!  
  
When the odds you are facing are 3 is to 23  
  
Better think of winning strategies  
  
You can't hide, and you can't run  
  
Better think and dodge  
  
DODGE! DODGE! Better DODGE!  
  
Have them shoot their weapons and then hit themselves  
  
And when that resort is done, there is one thing left to do  
  
Accelerate, and then change shape, in order to make a  
  
Bigger, Badder, BETTER ROBOT!!!  
  
Lemon's ship unfortunately was not equipped with blinders to prevent her from seeing the above atrocity. As such, she slid to the floor, twitching, unable to hear the voices on the intercom.  
  
"Madam Lemon! We have an intruder in the Security room! AIEEEEE-"  
  
"Torpedos launched from enemy station - the point defense lasers are AAAAAAHHHHH!!!"  
  
Sada grinned. It had been a while since she had done this sort of thing. Hearing heavy footfalls outside the room, she took a peek. Her grin was wiped off instantly. "Damn! Robot guards!!"  
  
Slipping back into the room, she loomed over one crewman who was wide-eyed with fear. "Show me where the shield control is, and you shall avoid a quick death."  
  
The fearful engineer pointed to a lever marked "Shield on/off switch".  
  
"Good. I shall grant you a slow death, then."  
  
The engineer would have screamed, but with his lungs being crumpled like toilet paper, he just wasn't able to. Pulling the lever, she heard a low humming sound die, and on a whim, she broke off the handle.  
  
The doors swung open, and an armory on legs walked in. Seeing no sign of an intruder, it shrugged, then went off to look in another room. It took no notice of the broken handle; it was a SecBot, not a RepBot.  
  
Back on the Spacebar, Sada emerged from a 14-inch monitor - and immediately got stuck. "Help, Sariko!"  
  
Sariko, eager to be of assistance, grabbed Sada by the shoulders and pulled with all her demoness might. Sada came loose, and ended up on the floor tangled with Sariko, hair, skirts, and limbs flying every which way. Their resulting dishevelment caught Evang's attention, and the eerily provocative sight of pale skin exposed caused him to lose concentration on the shield spell.   
  
"We have impact of the Penetrator pods on the Shadow Mirror mothership," BOS announced.  
  
"It's up to the Hanagumi now," Evang replied.  
  
Jemu's image appeared. "I take it by the sudden inactivity of the Gurngusts that Sada's mission was successful?"  
  
"Damn! I wanted to kick some Gurnie heiny!" Axel crowed.  
  
"The combat capabilities of this Better Robo have yet to be tested against Shadow Mirror Gurngusts."  
  
"You saying you're scared, Lamia? Not to worry, the Axe-man is here."  
  
"Don't tell me you cleaned up the MP Greats, Combattlers, and Go-Nagurls?" Evang inquired.  
  
"It was fun while it lasted," Axel replied.  
  
"Maybe we could capture those idle Gurngusts and keep them for our own," Evang mused.  
  
"That's not a good idea. These computer-controlled Gurngusts have self-destruct devices built into them. Besides, they also have an AI that automatically kicks in after a few minutes if their primary controller is off-line."  
  
"Uh, Lamia, why didn't you tell us this before?"  
  
"I had other things on my mind lately."  
  
Floating in space, still maintaining their V-formation, the Gurngusts waited. Then, as one, five pairs of robotic eyes gleamed.   
  
Evang had resumed his pose on the floor. Reawakened Ultimate Warrior types, five of them against one Super Experimental Defender, did not bode well for anyone. "Sada, Sariko, run communications and coordination for me while I busy myself with a bigger shield spell."  
  
"Um, okay."  
  
"BOS, take care of them, will you? I'll be out for a while."  
  
"Righto. Go take your nap, or whatever."  
  
A light on the panel blinked. "That must be the away team," Sada remarked. A second later, Ichiro's image appeared on screen.  
  
"Reporting a lot of spare parts in battle control room one."  
  
"Confirmed. Nice going, Lieutenant."  
  
Maria's image appeared next. "The second target has been neutralized. Any word on the Lieutenant and the Parisians?"  
  
"We're okay back here, Maria. Sakura, Kohran, and Iris did well. You and yours?"  
  
"Kanna and Sumire had a kill-race. They did most of the damage, while Orihime, Reni and I took care of other matters."  
  
"Meaning that Fraulein Kirishima and Fraulein Kanzaki wasted grunts while we took care of the more dangerous looking ones," Reni explained.  
  
At this, more screens opened. Kanna and Sumire both protested to "having been surmmarized as minor roles," while Orihime admonished Reni against making such frank, however true, statements. Erica butted in as well, eager to be heard above the din.  
  
"We're almost done here - Lobelia, what do you think you're going to do with all those grenades? And get back into your Koubu, I don't think it's safe to get out yet!"   
  
As if on cue, a fallen Secbot raised its gun arm and snapped off a burst of fire, forcing Lobelia back into her Koubu. But not before a Stiehlhandgranate flew toward the offender.  
  
BOS somehow managed to organize the windows, so as to maintain communications and observe the battle between the Beta Robo and the Gurngusts. "Lobelia, don't blow the ship up just yet. We're thinking of assimilating it later. Besides, transportation out of there isn't ready yet, and I'm pretty sure that your Koubus aren't made for survival in vaccuum."  
  
"So what do we do now?" Ichiro asked, his face tense with concentration, apparently engaged in combat.  
  
"And where do these robots keep coming from?" Kohran inquired.  
  
"That'll be your next job, I think," Ayame informed them. "To totally secure the vessel, you must prevent more reinforcements from appearing."  
  
"Fujieda-san? We didn't notice you come in!" Maria exclaimed.  
  
"Neither did the other readers."  
  
BOS heaved a sigh. "Welcome to the War Room, Ayame."  
  
"War Room? But I followed the directions for the Main Lounge to get me a cup of tea!"   
  
"Aheheheheh- um, could you like, uh, give us a hand? If it's not too much to ask."  
  
"After I have my tea."  
  
A teacup on a floating saucer, as well as a honey pot and a sugar bowl on a hovering tray, appeared. "Quick service. I like that. Now, let's see what you have here..."  
  
Lemon broke into a sweat. She had recovered consciousness at the same time the Gurngusts got theirs, and so noticed the change in tactics in the invaders. They seemed more organized now than before. What could have happened? It was like playing a real-time strategy game on medium difficulty, then having it jump all the way up to impossible.  
  
She checked the overall integrity of the ship. Things were looking bad, as two SecBot facilities were downed, and a third was on its way to getting totaled. Time to cut losses, she decided. Setting a collision course against the Spacebar, she rose and made her way to the emergency escape pod. There was always a next time, and another mothership. "And always another time for revenge," she said out loud, as she glanced at the monitor where the Gurngusts and the Beta Robo were fighting. "Assuming they survived, of course."  
  
"BETTER BEAM!!!" A lance of green light speared through a Gurngust, causing it to explode.  
  
"OPEN SAYS ME!!!" Beta Robo separated into three smaller robots, evading a sword that would have cut them into half.  
  
"There's only one of them left! Don't bother reforming," Ayame ordered them.  
  
"Roger. CRASH BEAM!!!"  
  
"SPIKE CUTTER!!!"  
  
"MIRAGE BOLT!!!"  
  
A satisfying explosion ensued as the last Gurngust was first cut in half then blown to bits. The three pilots heaved a sigh of relief, thankful it was over.  
  
It wasn't. Not by a long shot.  
  
It was BOS who broke the news to them. "The Shadow Mirror mothership has been set on a collision course with the Spacebar."  
  
"WHAAAAAAT!!!!??"  
  
"I made some calculations, and even if the engines are destroyed, it would still hit with tremendous force."  
  
"Naturally."  
  
"I ordered the Hanagumi to set charges inside the vessel, but I'm not sure if that would help much," Ayame informed them.  
  
"Thanks. We'll change to Dai-Dai-Dai Fighter and extract them," Jemu said.  
  
"Then what? How are you going to stop the ram attempt?" Ayame inquired.  
  
"We'll think of something. Right now, rescuing the Hanagumi is our first priority," Axel replied.  
  
"Understood. I'll inform them about the extraction then."  
  
"Axel, if you please?"  
  
"CHANGE VERSION NOW!!! SWITCH ON!!!" Axel called out. Recognizing the voice and the command, the Better Units began to change shape and recombine into a heavily armed, heavily armored shuttle.  
  
Jemu pressed a switch, hailing the Hanagumi taichou. "Somebody need a ride out there?"  
  
"You betcha. Lobelia's set this whole place with charges, and Iris is out cold," Ichiro replied.  
  
"Gotcha. Lamia, is there a place where we can attach a boarding tube so that the Koubu can get into the Dai-Dai-Dai Fighter easily?"  
  
"The robot launch hangars would do nicely for this purpose."  
  
"Excellent. Axel, take us there and set up the tube."  
  
"Roger that."  
  
"Ichiro?"  
  
"We're on our way to the hangar. Just mark it on the map and set it to us."  
  
"Okay. Sending data now. Ayame, how's Evang?"  
  
"He's still here. Alive."  
  
"Tell him to drop the shield spell. I need his participation here."  
  
Ayame spoke to Evang. "Lower the shield, Evang-san. Your powers are needed elsewhere."  
  
"What do you need this time, Jemu?"  
  
"I need a spell that will amplify the damage from the Better Robo's final attack."  
  
"I have just the thing. Call back when you're ready. I'll be stretching my legs a bit."  
  
"Why don't you have Sariko massage them?"  
  
"That's not a bad idea," Sariko replied, a predatory glint in her eyes."  
  
"Let me cast Demonbane first, just in case you get weird."  
  
One after the other, the Koubu slid down the tube attached to the mothership and into the Dai*3 Fighter's hold. Ichiro came down last. The trapdoor closed, and they sped off, back to the Spacebar.  
  
"BOS, prepare to receive us."  
  
"OPEN GEEEEEEEEEEEE-TO!!!!!"  
  
The hangar doors opened, and the Dai*3 Fighter swooped in. Once the hangar doors closed and air pressure was stabilized, Axel let everyone out.  
  
"What about the mothership?" Hanabi asked.  
  
"Oh, you mean this?" Lobelia answered. So saying, she brought out a watch on a chain and pressed something on it.  
  
Explosions ripped through the length of the mothership. The major locations such as the hangar and engines were ripped apart and turned into space junk. Still, the behemoth crept forward.  
  
"That didn't seem to work, " Glycine remarked.  
  
"On the contrary. By destroying the engines, we might have been bought a little more time. Everyone, into the War Room. We need to re-launch," Jemu said, the Dai*3 Fighter separating into the three Better units.  
  
"Good luck!" Sakura called out as she went through the door.  
  
"You'll certainly need it," came Reni's flat pronouncement.  
  
The hangar doors opened once more, and the Better Units flew out and quickly reformed Better Robo.  
  
"Estimated distance to target, 900 meters!" Axel announced.  
  
"Effective power level is at 50%," Lamia called out.  
  
"Drop the shields and direct all power to weapons," Jemu orderd.  
  
"800 meters!"  
  
"Effective power at 80%."  
  
"Better Robo moving into position. Evang, you ready with your spell? Evang? Good God, there's not time for that now!"  
  
"He's right, Sariko, you can drain my vitae later! Tasting my blood is worthless if you die in the next second!"  
  
"But I must feed! I simply must!"  
  
"Go feed on Sada, for crying out loud!" With a mighty effort, Evang threw the drooling demoness toward the black-haired wraith. Sariko, not being a picky eater, was content to harass Sada, which promptly started a wrestling match that almost broke Evang's concentration again. "Ayame-san, tell me when they fire, alright? The Better Robo's final waza, that is."  
  
"Okay."   
  
"Distance 300 meters!"  
  
"Energy lines clean!"  
  
Ayame whispered, speaking for all aboard the Spacebar,"Better Robo, subete o kakeyou."   
  
"PAWAAAAA MAAAKKUSU!!!" Evang yelled, gesticulating at the Better Robo's image on the screen.  
  
"SUTOOOOOOOOOOOONDO SAAAAAANSHIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIINN!!!" Jemu called out, as the Better Robo gathered all its remaining energy into a huge ball and hurled it at the approaching mothership. At precisely one second before impact, the ball swelled, easily capable of engulfing the Spacebar itself, and ignited itself as it transformed into a miniature, epehemeral star.  
  
The mothership didn't stand a chance. Its insides already weakened by the Hanagumi, its shields disabled by Sada, it was almost overkill to see it melt as it approached the center of the new star like ice to a smelter. Bits and pieces of it tried to escape by flaking off, but no sooner had they detached than they were instantaneously vaporized.  
  
The star then began to shrink, then finally fade away to nothingness, leaving just a tiny gravitational time-space anomaly no larger than a pinprick to mark its former existence.  
  
Jemu, Axel, and Lamia heaved a sigh of relief. "So, can my general and I go back to making out now?"  
  
"There are a lot of rooms in the Spacebar that are suitable for making out and more in the Space- hey, what's up Axel?"  
  
"We have zero energy left. And we're floating in space."  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
Ayame was almost pushing the Teito Hanagumi members into the Hammerspace portal. "Hurry! You don't want to be caught by her!"  
  
Ichiro stood his ground. "No way."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I saw how much fun those three were having back there. I want a piece of that too!" By those three, he meant Sada, Sariko, and Evang.  
  
"That's not all there is to it, Ohgami. Sariko is a serotonin vampire."  
  
"She's a what?"  
  
"She gets you hot and bothered, then almost ready to blow. The chemical cocktail in your blood just before you ejaculate is what she's after. It's what she feeds on."  
  
"Ugh." Ayame and Ichiro looked at each other and exchanged grimaces. BOS continued narrating in evil glee.  
  
"She'll take little bite-bites out of your chests, your sides, your shoulders, your arms, and that's not enough for her. She'll then use those fangs of hers to..."  
  
"I'm going, I'm going!!!" Ichiro said, jumping through.  
  
"Wait for me!" Ayame said. Instead of passing through, she slammed into what she felt was a padded wall. "MMMPHF!!"  
  
"Um, Fujieda-san? You're dead, remember?"  
  
"Oh. Right."  
  
"Why aren't you shooing the Paris Hanagumi in?"  
  
"I want to talk to them, for a while."  
  
"Better do it via kinematron, then. The Spacebar can communicate with kinematrons too."  
  
"But it's so much better in personal!"  
  
"Would you want another Sariko on board?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Sariko can also convert her victims into beings like her. I suspect Lobelia would be her first choice, and the rest will follow."  
  
"How- why?!"  
  
"Sariko is from a game as well, you see. Oh, she might be a demoness, but she was human once."   
  
"What have I gotten myself into?" Ayame asked no one in particular.  
  
END? 


	5. Spacebar Second Stage V

Spacebar Second Stage  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
Episode V: V is for Victory!   
  
MAIN LOUNGE...  
  
Everyone is seated on a round table, looking for all the world like the knights of yore.  
  
Jemu: Spacebar headcount!!!  
  
Evang: One.  
  
Kaji: Two.  
  
Gai: SURIIII!!!  
  
BOS: Uh, do I count as a fourth?  
  
Ayame: Five.  
  
Sariko: Six.   
  
Sada-chan: Seven.  
  
Axel: Eight. And no one sing any Spanish/Filipino counting songs or else...  
  
Lamia: Nine, and Jemu-san makes the tenth.  
  
Tsukumo: Better make that eleven.  
  
Jemu: This is going to be nuts. Alright, I now bring this episode into order. BOS, cue in the music please.  
  
[Insert cheesy late night comedy/talk show music here.]  
  
Evang: Hello everyone! Welcome to another edition of the How and Why and Whatever of the Spacebar.  
  
Jemu: Tonight we shall endeavor to answer any questions you might have about the recent and not-so-recent episodes of the story.  
  
Evang: So pick up those phones and fire up those computers! Our, um, friendly AI operator is standing by. Call 1-800-BOGUS or drop us a line at imaginary@notreal.com.  
  
BOS: We have our first caller already. Caller #1, you're on!  
  
SRW Freak: Yeah, I'd like to know how Lamia really became human, like, that'd be really cool and stuff.  
  
Evang: Lamia, care to answer that?  
  
Lamia: Like I said, it was after finishing the shoot for the RR and SR endings of SRW A, I went to this spa that advertised "We'll make you feel alive again!" So I called them up, and asked if they could make someone who was never alive in the first place feel alive as well, and they said it was no problem. I mean, how was I supposed to know what kind of rejuvenation techniques they'd be using?  
  
Jemu: So what did you undergo? Mud baths or something?  
  
Lamia: Weird shit. Getter sen tanning lamps, LCL soaking tubs, and some other things I really didn't understand. They even made me sit through a lot of bad puns they caught on tape, so that I could supposedly develop a sense of humor.  
  
Evang: O-kay. I have an SMS question, this one for Axel. What's really your personality: the tight-assed military commander guy who's in it for the chicks and kicks, or the amnesiac, good-natured playboy?  
  
Axel: Umm, bank?  
  
BOS: This isn't the Frailest Link, you know!  
  
Jemu: I've got a text question too. Dear Spaceguys, what's the difference between Sariko and Sada-chan?  
  
Sada-chan: I'm related to the vengeful bitch of the cursed videotape. I can get to any person that's watching a monitor or screen, or who lives near a deep well. You know what happens after that.  
  
Sariko: I'm a white-haired demoness who was once a woman who lived during the 1930s to 1940s. I was so pissed off waiting for my fiance to come home that I turned into a blood-drinking monster.  
  
BOS: And the moral of the story is... never keep women waiting. We'll be back after these commercial breaks. Stay tuned.  
  
COMMERCIAL #1  
  
Tired of the same old blonde or redhead escorts? Dark hair not catching your fancy? Well, look no further! Here at Pale Imitations, you can get away from those lively, colorful stereotypes! Choose the personality you like: smart-ass, silent, thoughtful, yes, even occasionally airheaded. Your perfect albino might be waiting here just for you! So call now! 1-900-SNOWY.   
  
END COMMERCIAL #1  
  
COMMERCIAL #2  
  
Antique mechs. Everyone has them, but not everybody wants them! Have an old relic of mass destruction stashed in your garage that you want to get rid of? If you answered yes, then call us, SpaceBar Junkshop and get a good price for that old piece of ordinance! 1-INFRINGEMENT for more details.  
  
END COMMERCIAL #2  
  
COMMERCIAL #3  
  
Masked Villain: Hahaha! I have destroyed your Prototype Robot! Now, you face your doom!  
  
CUT SCENE  
  
Scientist: Tired of losing out to those obnoxious aliens with more advanced technology and and infinite resources? Worried about being ignored at the next Super Robot Laboratory Convention? Then, maybe it's time to get a Better Robo! Yes! At Better Robo, no matter how good and powerful your enemies' robots are, theirs are always better! Like me, get rid of the competition once and for all, and get back to your award-winning research!  
  
THIS IS A PAID AD BY--  
  
BOS: Now, back to our regular programming.  
  
Jemu: Yes, we have a live caller. Hello?  
  
Caller #2: What are Axel and Lamia doing there? I mean, is the Spacebar turning into a magnet for game characters?  
  
Evang: Maybe.   
  
Caller #2: I mean, you have robot, strategy, dating, and even ecchi game characters there! It's like a geek haven in there!  
  
Jemu: BOS?  
  
BOS: Already got a fix on him. Particle cannon, activated.  
  
Static fills the air as Caller #2 and the city block he's in is vaporized.  
  
Evang: You don't have to be so touchy, you know. I mean, let's face it, the place might be mistaken for a geek haven at first glance.  
  
Jemu: Yeah? How?  
  
Evang: You've got Sariko here, for starters.  
  
Sariko: Eh?  
  
Evang: Then we have Lamia AND Axel-  
  
Lamia: I'm geek fantasy material?  
  
Axel: I'm geek fantasy material!?   
  
BOTH: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  
  
Evang: Let's not forget Ayame-san.  
  
Ayame: Huh? Why me? Does this uniform look sexy to you?  
  
Jemu: Different strokes for different folks.   
  
Kaji: There is a crowd out there that digs domineering women-  
  
Ayame: You're calling me domineering?  
  
Kaji: Oops! Uh, dominant- no that's not right, either.  
  
Gai: Aggressive! That's the term!  
  
Tsukumo: The politically correct term would be a "take-charge" woman.  
  
Ayame: Surely you exaggerate the numbers.  
  
BOS: Maybe. But then again, how many people have played Sakura Taisen when it was still just ST1? Specifically, those that have reached the last stages and have encountered your "evil" form?  
  
Ayame: Uhm, no comment.  
  
Jemu: IIRC, that succubus/dominatrix costume looked real good on you.  
  
Ayame: But it would look better on the floor, is that it? (Battle aura begins to shimmer around her.)  
  
Evang: We'll pause for a few more commercials so that the kiddies wouldn't see the blood and gore.  
  
[INSERT BLOOD AND GORE HERE.]  
  
Al: Haha! Take that, George and Bill, I actually get mentioned here. Hey, why is everything covered in blood?  
  
Al gets caught in an energy blast meant for Jemu and is instantly annihilated, much to the delight of some sectors.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
After a few minutes of frantic dodging, everything settled down. The Main Lounge resembled a fish market, what with all the people lying around in various positions after surviving Ayame's rampage. It is this scene that greets a certain spiky-haired young man upon entering the swinging doors of the Spacebar, which meant he came from an Earth adjunct of the station.  
  
Tenchi: What the devil happened here?  
  
At the mention of the word 'devil', the Spacebar crew save for Ayame let out a collective shout and dove for cover.   
  
Tenchi: (blinks) Uh, excuse me, ma'am, what just happened here?  
  
Ayame: Um. (sweatdrops) Rather long story, I'm afraid. What brings you here to the Spacebar?  
  
Tenchi: The Spacebar? I- I think I should remember the place, but I'm not sure why...  
  
Jemu: (Crawling out from under a table.) Probably because you've been here before, like in a later episode of the first season?  
  
Tenchi: My memory is hazy, but I seem to remember almost getting mobbed, then getting saved by a well.  
  
Sada: (doing her famous well-trick) Kinda like this?  
  
Tenchi: Yeah! Hey, you're the lady that saved me! I remember you! Thanks again, onee-san!  
  
The beleaguered crew crawl out of their respective foxholes and set themselves to rights, each one heaving a sigh of relief.  
  
Evang: Hello. We meet again, Masaki Tenchi. So glad we could have you as a target- er, a guest again.  
  
Tenchi: Your're not going to do the Shinji thing with me, are you? 'Cause I gotta tell you, I don't dig older women, and I don't dig making out with my relatives either.  
  
Jemu: Hey, Three Gunned Men, disperse, shoo, skedaddle, I don't care what you do, just get outta here.  
  
Ayame: Do you want me gone too?  
  
Jemu: Nah, you can stay, Ayame. We need someone pretty to look at-  
  
Sariko: And it's certainly not these three.  
  
The 3GM head for the door, mumbling good-naturedly about being chased out of the Main Lounge. Their voices float back in, amplified by the station's corridors, during the seconds that it takes them to clear the doorway.  
  
Tsukumo: Since when did Sariko start finishing Jemu's sentences for him?  
  
Kaji: I hear that the Masaki kid wields a mean light saber. I wonder...  
  
Gai: Really? Is it anything like Gekigan Sword? Can he do Blazing Slash?  
  
Evang: So. No old women, no relatives. How about space-alloy handcuffs?  
  
Tenchi: (Thinks for a while before blurting out) HEY!!!   
  
Jemu: So what's it gonna be?  
  
Tenchi: It's still no!  
  
Evang: (Reaches into his robes) Shit, you're no fun, chump. You ought to broaden your horizons, experience new things, to live a full life.  
  
Tenchi: Oh yeah? How would you like to screw your centuries-old grandmother?  
  
Jemu: Hey, if she looks anything like YOUR grandmothers, I would.  
  
Evang: I for one appreciate their ageless appearance. Both look awesome, for their advanced years.  
  
Tenchi: You're a couple of perverts.  
  
Evang: We are, eh? TAKE THIS!!!  
  
Evang takes his hand out of his robes, and flings a handful of powder at Tenchi's face. Tenchi tries to prevent the powder from entering his orifices and cursing at the same time, and ends up choking on more of the stuff. Jemu takes a minifan and clears some of the air.  
  
Tenchi: What the hell were you trying to do, kill me?  
  
Evang: Indirectly.  
  
Tenchi: What the hell does that mean? What was that stuff?  
  
Evang: It's the improved formula of my Horny Triple Mega Lemon dust. Congratulations, it seems to be working to plan, so far.  
  
Sariko: How is it supposed to work?  
  
Evang: Well, it's formulated to give men an extra three inches, triple their stamina and libido, and reduce their wait time between ejaculations to one-third of their normal.  
  
Tenchi: Huh. No shit? Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't feel any change at all.  
  
Evang: It only triggers when the victims catch sight of a female from their respective series.  
  
Jemu: So that means, you can't go home.  
  
Tenchi: You expect me to believe this?  
  
BOS: We don't. So we'll give you clinical proof.  
  
A body-length diagnostic wireframe is brought up, with data streaming every second in tune with Tenchi's body rhythm.  
  
Tenchi: See, it's normal.  
  
Evang: If you'll note, your blood chemistry shows a marked increase in citric acid content. Proof that you've ingested the drug.  
  
Tenchi: But not proof that it will work.  
  
Jemu: So, you wouldn't mind if I do this? (Throws a silver disc to the floor, which slides to a stop near Tenchi.)  
  
Tenchi: What's that supposed to be?  
  
Jemu: It's a portable OAHD interface. All I need is to speak a command phrase and the character's name, and he/she will appear.  
  
Evang: So what happened to your gating magic?  
  
Jemu: What gating magic?  
  
Tenchi: I've still to see if all this stuff works.  
  
Jemu: Okay. Yosho, come forth!  
  
A portal opened in the air six feet above the disc, and Tenchi's grandfather drops down, broom in hand. He lands in a fighter's crouch, holding the cleaning implement like a polearm.  
  
Yosho: Tenchi? What is the meaning of this? I'm cleaning the shrine walk, and the next thing I know, here I am.  
  
Tenchi: Truth be told, I don't know myself, Gramps.  
  
Yosho: This looks like a friendly place, though. (Notes Sada-chan and Sariko.) Good looking-people too, I might add.  
  
To everyone's surprise, the two females turned red.  
  
Jemu: Shucks. Such praise from a discerning man.  
  
Evang: Thanks, mister.  
  
Tenchi: He wasn't talking about you perverts.  
  
Evang: You're mean.  
  
Jemu: But I'm meaner! Ryoko, appear!  
  
A dripping, butt-naked woman with short blue hair falls from the portal, landing smack dab on Tenchi's grandfather.  
  
Ryoko: What the hell- IT'S YOU TWO AGAIN! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! BLOODY PERVERTS!  
  
Sada-chan: Today's episode is brought to you by the number 5 and the word "pervert."  
  
Tenchi: (Flatly) That's not Ryoko.  
  
Yosho: Nope, definitely not her.  
  
Ryoko: Who the hell are you two? Let me guess: friends of theirs? Disciples?  
  
Evang: Dude, wrong Ryoko. (Grins salaciously.)  
  
Jemu: I can see that. (Grins salaciously.)  
  
Ryoko: Ecchi! (Covering herself with her hands.)  
  
Evang: Here's a coin.  
  
Jemu: Flip it. Heads, same name, tails, same seiyuu.  
  
With a flick of his thumb, Evang sends the coin spinning in the air. It lands on the floor rolls toward Ryoko (now covered with the kind old man's overcoat) and falls to its side after hitting her bare foot. Ayame gets up from her stool and looks at the coin.  
  
Ayame: Tails!  
  
[INSERT CRACK OF DOOM, OR LOUD, ROLLING THUNDER HERE.]  
  
Ryoko: (In clipped tones.) What- exactly- does- that- mean?  
  
BOS: It means that you're going to transform into another one of your voice-acting roles.  
  
Ryoko: Really.  
  
BOS: They're hoping it's the wide-eyed, innocent, magical girl role.  
  
Ryoko: (Muttering.) Magical girl, huh? I'll give them magical girl.  
  
Ryoko begins to glow, nay, begins to transform into light, reminiscent of magical girl show transformation sequences. Yes, those that take forever to finish. Kinda like the Macross' modular transformation. Oh, the intense light of the transformation blinds our bunch of voyeurs as well.  
  
Voice: All right, you guys can look now.  
  
Jemu: This is going to be neat.  
  
Evang: And when Tenchi sees this- hehe- heeeh?!  
  
Tenchi: Gramps, cover my eyes!  
  
Yosho: Okay, (puts his hands over Tenchi's eyes) but don't cover mine.  
  
Jemu and Evang gasp as they behold who Subaru Ryoko has transformed into.  
  
Jemu: Seems like we weren't on the same wavelength either.  
  
Shinguji Sakura: Whatever gave you that idea?   
  
Evang: Could be that sword you've got out of its scabbard.  
  
Sakura: This? (Lifts the Arataka.) I only bring it out when I need to slice some perverts.  
  
In moments of panic and impending doom, it is natural for most people to slip back into their native dialect. Just like now.  
  
Jemu: Naiisip mo ba ang naiisip ko, Evang?  
  
Evang: Oo, naiisip ko nga, Jemu!  
  
Jemu: Sabay tayo, Evang!  
  
Evang: Sige, Jemu!  
  
BOTH: Isa, dalawa, TAKBO!!!  
  
The two take off, samurai chick in hot pursuit.  
  
Jemu: Where's that dark-haired guy with woman problems when you need him?  
  
Evang: Which one? There's a lot of them!  
  
Sakura: DIE!!!  
  
A pink energy blast makes a hole in the wall in front of them, which the mages dive through. Sakura follows them in, readying her sword for another attack.  
  
Jemu: Which one? The one with spiky hair, that's who!  
  
Evang: (Sarcastic.) Wow, that so narrows down the field.  
  
Sakura: Amakakeru ryu no HIRAMEKI!  
  
Jemu: What the hell? [Does the world-renowned Ninja Log Substitution Trick (TM) and the poor log is cut in half.]  
  
Sakura: Unfair! Fight like a man!  
  
Jemu: (Hiding somewhere) I am! Like a cowardly man!  
  
Evang: I didn't know you could do that.  
  
Sakura: YOU!!!  
  
Evang: EEEP!  
  
Sakura: TENKU-KEN! AND NOT THE GEKIGANGER PILOT!  
  
Elsewhere on the Spacebar at the exact same moment.  
  
Kaji: Hey, Shiratori, your turn to plop a card.  
  
Gai: Are you okay? Are you having a relapse of getting shot?  
  
Tsukumo: Gai, did you feel someone call you just a while ago?  
  
Gai: Huh? Call me?  
  
Tsukumo: Nevermind, then.  
  
Kaji: (Taking a puff of his cigarette.) Wow, this sure is good leaf. I can see dead people. Woot!  
  
(Gai and Tsukumo throw their cards at Kaji.)  
  
Back at the Main Louunge.  
  
[AUDIO ONLY]  
  
Sada-chan: Ooooohhhhh, Tenchi!!!  
  
Sariko: I've missed this for quite some time! You have very good technique, young man.  
  
Tenchi: All I know, I learned from my grandfather.  
  
Yosho: Heh! You can say it's a tried and tested skill from the Jurai book of bedroom arts.  
  
Ayame: Ummmmm, ahhhhhhhhhn! I can testify to that.  
  
What the hell? What IS going on in the Spacebar's Main Lounge? BOS? What's going on?  
  
BOS: No, I don't want to know.  
  
But we need to see! Go take a lok and tell us! Otherwise we'll think that wonderfully ecchi stuff is happening inside!  
  
BOS: NO! I don't wanna see!  
  
[INSERT SOUND: WOMEN GROANING AND MOANING OUT TENCHI'S AND YOSHO'S NAMES.]  
  
Back to the action. No, the REAL action! Jemu and Evang are still in the running. Literally. They're trying to avoid getting slashed to ribbons while navigating rush hour Earth traffic. (It seems that the hole in the wall they jumped through opened into an Earth adjunct.)  
  
Evang: Do something! She's almost upon us!  
  
Jemu: Like what?   
  
Evang: Distract her or something! Can you summon a horde of die-hard Motoko fanboys? You know, you could tell them, "Look, it's a Motoko-sama wannabe!"  
  
Jemu: Nope.  
  
Evang: Damn!  
  
Sakura: How dare you mention that slut's name in my presence?! CHODENJI BALL!  
  
The yellow ball of super electromagnetic energy hurtles toward the two. In response, they take to the air, and the ball levels a skyscraper. The people went into a panic, and the traffic got worse.  
  
Jemu: Did you see that? That was no chodenji ball!  
  
Evang: More like a stoner sunshine, if you ask me.  
  
Jemu: Where the hell has she been getting all her moves?  
  
Evang: I sure would like to know. Meanwhile, we better stop her from blowing up this city, whichever one this is.  
  
Sakura: (Raises her sword to the sky.) FLAME CROSS ATTACK!  
  
The Arataka bursts into flame. Sakura begins running toward the hovering Spacebar owners.  
  
Evang: Did she just scream "Flame Cross Attack?" I thought her family was Shinto?  
  
Jemu: Umm...  
  
Evang: What do you mean umm??? Do something!!!  
  
Jemu: (Pulls out another silver disc.) Here goes nothing.  
  
Attaining enough momentum, Sakura jumps from car to truck to post and to way above the hovering wizards.  
  
Sakura: FLAME CROSS SLASH ATTACK!!!  
  
Jemu: (Aims a face of the disc at the incoming Sakura.) KAMUHIA!!! Ohgami Ichiro!!!  
  
With animation directly reminiscent of the unpromoted Akashik Buster from Lord of Elemental, Ichiro Ohgami hurtles from the portal generated by the portable OAHD interface. It's like, he shot out from the disc like a dart from a blowgun. He doesn't do so quietly, though.  
  
Ichiro: What the HEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!! AAAAACKK!! Sakura!!?  
  
Sakura: Ohgami-san-  
  
{SPLATT!!!} [Insert freefall sound effects here. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEEEE....]  
  
Evang: Anime Physics On!  
  
Thanks to Evang's reality alteration spell, the unlucky couple hits the road with nothing to show for it but a dust cloud, not even a crater, and some dusty faces.   
  
Jemu: (Using a megaphone.) WAKE UP YOU TWO!!!  
  
Sakura: Hunh-unnnh.  
  
Ohgami: My legs, I can't feel my legs...  
  
Jemu: OF COURSE YOU CAN'T FEEL YOUR LEGS, YOU'VE GOT SAKURA SITTING ON YOUR THIGHS, YOU MANIAC!  
  
Ohagmi: I DO?!  
  
Sakura: I am? (looks down to see for herself) I AM!!!  
  
Evang: Look, that's a peeping-tom pedophile that's got you riding him astride, Shinguji-san!  
  
At the mention of Sakura's surname, the crowd begins muttering about downfall of prodigious families, national shame, and references to the Paris Hilton video. You can guess pretty much what happened afterwards. Thus the two wizards begin to fly back home, Ohagmi's death scream (not Sailor Pluto's attack) reaching them.  
  
Ohgami: I'll get you someday for this you bastards! OW! Stop it, Saku-chan- OW!!! OK, I won't call you Saku-chan anymore just let go of the family heirloom now- AAAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Jemu: Let's head back to the Spacebar.  
  
Evang: What's gonna happen to this place? I mean, they just lost a skyscraper from that Stoner Ball earlier, right?  
  
Jemu: You got a point. We need to detox the Arataka before Sakura discovers the full extent of its mutation and becomes really creative.  
  
Evang: Destructive, you mean.  
  
Jemu: In her case, for this scenario, both are the same.  
  
Jemu pulls out a combo screamer-grappler and aims for the Arataka. The claws grasp the blade, and high-frequency sound waves stream out of the upper part of the device, stunning Sakura and the unfortunate Ohgami. A press of a switch, and the Arataka is reeled in to Jemu.  
  
Evang: I'll save us some time and you some fuel by casting a Spell of Return.  
  
Jemu: (Taking the Arataka by the hilt.) So do it already.  
  
Evang: Done. We're at my laboratory, my lair, now.  
  
Jemu: Now that's what I call fast effect. So fast, the narrator didn't even get a chance to describe it.  
  
Evang: How did you know that stuff anout detoxing the sword earlier?  
  
Jemu: I didn't.  
  
Evang: So what was all that back there?  
  
Jemu: I don't honestly know. Ever heard the saying, "The truth is out there?"  
  
[INSERT X-FILES THEME HERE.]  
  
Evang: That was scary.  
  
Jemu: I'm with you on that.  
  
BOS: You two are finally back! You have to stop the horror! The HORROR!!!  
  
Evang: Calm down. What horror?  
  
BOS: I mean this! Roll VTR!!!  
  
[AUDIO ONLY]  
  
Sada-chan: Ooooohhhhh, Tenchi!!!  
  
Sariko: I've missed this for quite some time! You have very good technique, young man.  
  
Tenchi: All I know, I learned from my grandfather.  
  
Yosho: Heh! You can say it's a tried and tested skill from the Jurai book of bedroom arts.  
  
Ayame: Ummmmm, ahhhhhhhhhn! I can testify to that.  
  
Lamia: Look, Axel, they've got their hands all over their bodies.  
  
Axel: Jealous?  
  
Lamia: A little.  
  
Axel: Here's a little something they don't teach ordinary soldiers in boot camp. Let me just take all these annoying clothes off...  
  
[EOF]  
  
Jemu: Not without us, they won't!  
  
BOS: They've been at it since you and Sakura went!  
  
Jemu: The Arataka will have to wait. Let's do some coitus interruptus!  
  
Evang: No. Bring the sword.  
  
Jemu: Yeah, maybe I will.  
  
BOS: Wait for me! I have something cool to show you guys!  
  
SCENE CHANGE: the robot parts storage room. BOS lowers himself from the ceiling, encased in a multi-sensor array that could easily be mistaken for a Real Robot head.  
  
BOS: Begin Nodular Transformation Sequence!!!  
  
Spare parts, extra weapons, and bits of armor begin to gather and unite under BOS's fairing in the ceiling. Some formed feet and legs; some formed arms and a torso.  
  
BOS: And I'll form the head!!!  
  
BOS cuts of the cabling connecting him to the ceiling and his sensor shell drops on to the assembled headless humanoid weapon. Two LEDS on the sensor pack glow as the connection between the machines was completed. Just as both wizards walk in though the sliding doors.  
  
Evang: You look wicked, BOS.  
  
BOS: Thanks.  
  
Jemu: Beautiful, BOS. That heavy-weapon look is so cool. But there's something wrong here. (Approaches BOS.)  
  
BOS: (Anxious.) What? Tell me, please? It's my first time, you see.  
  
Jemu: BOS, what do you think is causing me to stand on the ceiling?  
  
BOS: Um, gravity negators combined with molecular adhesion devices?  
  
Jemu: I knew it.   
  
In one fluid motion, Jemu decapitates BOS with the Arataka, and uses the reverse edge of the sword to set BOS's head correctly into place. The action took all of 1.1 seconds.  
  
Evang: BOS, how do you feel now?  
  
BOS: Great! Awesome!  
  
Jemu: Let's give you a new name, what say you?  
  
BOS: Yeah, let's!  
  
Evang: How about, "BOS Robot?"  
  
  
  
Not one second later, the most number of missiles and guns ever seen on a human-sized robot were trained on Evang. The light glinted on the gray gunmetal evilly.  
  
Evang: What did I say?  
  
BOS: Magkamali ka lang ng bigkas patay ka sa 'kin.  
  
Jemu: Translated- "You exchange two consonant sounds and I kill you, fool."  
  
Evang: Oh. OH! (Tries very hard not to laugh.)  
  
Jemu: I know! What about, "BOS Killer?"  
  
BOS: I can live with that. If I was alive. (Changes voice to totally cold and metallic.) Vamos a juegar, amigos.  
  
BOS Killer stomps toward the doors.   
  
Evang: I think BOS has been watching too many "Cyborg Assassin from the Future" lately.  
  
Jemu: We ought to monitor his viewing habits more often.  
  
The following sequence may contain some scenes not suitable for young or easily impressionable audiences (like sentient, learning AIs). Responsible guidance is recommended.  
  
SCENE CHANGE: Corridor. Both mages are flattened against the wall beside the sliding doors of the Main Lounge. BOS Killer is planted squarely opposite the doors, fire ports open and various stuff poking out.  
  
Evang: Everybody set? I've got my energy shield ready.  
  
Jemu: Time for some gratuitous swordplay again.  
  
Evang: On three then. One-  
  
BOS Killer: Wait. I'm bringing up what I can sense inside.  
  
[AUDIO ONLY]  
  
Lamia: OOHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!! AAAAHHHHMMMM!!! UUMMMMMMH!!!  
  
Axel: This, my dear is what is meant by "When I get my hands on you..."  
  
Lamia: (Dreamy voice.) Oh, master.  
  
Ayame: Are all Jurai men as good as you are, Mr. Yosho?  
  
Yosho: Why don't you try it with my grandson and find out?  
  
Tenchi: That's cool with me, grandpa.   
  
Sariko: What about us, Tenchi?  
  
Sada-chan: We want more.  
  
Yosho: Don't worry, young ladies. Have no fear, Super Grandpa is here.  
  
Evang: I've heard enough. One-  
  
Jemu: Two- (Drops into a fighter's crouch.)  
  
BOS Killer: THREE!!!  
  
With much yelling and flashing lights, the three burst into the Main Lounge. They, of course, struck the mandatory "Charleston Angels" pose before continuing.  
  
Evang: Nobody move!  
  
BOS Killer: Resistance is futile!!  
  
Jemu: We're shutting this brothel down!!!  
  
There is a flurry of activity inside. Ayame and Sada-chan eeped and scrambled for clothes, while Axel merely shielded a naked Lamia from view with his bare back. Tenchi and Yosho merely stood up and rolled down their sleeves. Sariko just arranged herself more seductively on her mattress, prompting BOS Killer to wallop his masters back to their senses.  
  
Jemu: You should be ashamed of yourself, old man! Having your way with these helpless, young, luscious, desirable-  
  
Evang: AHEM!!!  
  
Jemu: -Women! And for corrupting a minor!  
  
Evang: We leave you for an hour to save our hides, and you turn our station into a den of flesh! Good-looking ones, I might add, but still!  
  
Tenchi: Den of flesh?  
  
Yosho: We were giving them massages here, you oaf! The only "den of flesh" happening here is them! (points to Axel and Lamia still going at it)  
  
Jemu: No! I refuse to believe it! I refuse to be reasonable either! (Waves the sword about.)  
  
BOS Killer: The discs.  
  
Jemu: Eh?  
  
BOS Killer: Use the discs to send Yosho away. He is the bigger threat.  
  
Jemu: Oh, right. (Brings out a disc and aims it at Yosho.) Yosho, return!  
  
Light pulsed from the disc, hitting Yosho. In the next instant, Yosho was gone.   
  
Ayame: Yosho-san!  
  
Sada-chan and Sariko: No! Not yet!  
  
Tenchi: Grandpa! (Activates Tenchi-ken.) YAAAAAAAAA!!!!  
  
BOS Killer lets loose a hail of bullets. Tenchi rolls underneath the deadly shower, toward Jemu with the intention of getting a slash at his feet, but is thwarted by a wall of force that knocks him back.  
  
BOS Killer: Now, summon the green-haired girl.  
  
Evang: And make sure it's the correct one, this time!  
  
Jemu throws a silver disc at Tenchi's feet, and calls out a girl's name. A brilliant light comes forth from the disc, blinding everyone save the BOS Killer, who is recording all the events of this "battle." Oh, Axel and Lamia aren't blinded, but they might as well have been from the attetnion they've been giving to their surroundings.  
  
Evang: What's happening?  
  
Sada-chan: I swear I'll get you for this, Jemu.  
  
Sariko: If we ever find you. Is this the way newly-introduced characters are treated here?  
  
BOS Killer: No. You are an exception, rather than the rule.  
  
Jemu: Is he doing her? Who came out to answer my summons?  
  
BOS Killer: The green-haired girl. Duh.  
  
Evang: Is he being a pedophile now?   
  
Ayame: Oh God, not another Ohgami. Please.  
  
Unknown metropolis jail...  
  
Ohgami: AH-CHOO!!!  
  
Guard: Quiet, you there.  
  
Ohgami: Let me out of here! I'm innocent! I'm a victim!  
  
Guard: Yeah, a victim of your uncontrollable urges. That's why you're in here, for public scandal.  
  
Ohgami: Unfair!  
  
Guard: Be thankful we didn't place you in the same cell with (Pauses for emphasis) her.  
  
(Camera takes a shot of Sakura alone in another cell, facing the corner away from the audience. Zoom shot of her biting her lip, blood dripping to her fists in her lap. Her hair a this point has come undone form its ribbon, and she looks like Sadako in a pink traditional dress.)  
  
Back at the Spacebar...  
  
BOS Killer: Pedophilia is out of this context. Though she looks like a sixth grader, she's actually centuries old. The relevant question here is incest. Is she doing his grandfather's baby sister?  
  
Evang: He's a grand MF!  
  
BOS Killer: In every sense of the word.  
  
Jemu: Wait, isn't Sasami/Tsunami also the ship's computer?  
  
There is a pause, then several clicks as BOS Killer's guns snap into firing position.   
  
BOS Killer: You will be- terminated! How dare you! Masaki Tenchi, die!  
  
Sada-chan: He seems to have forgotten that it's Jemu and Evang's fault.  
  
Sariko: Hmph. Men. And they say we women have selective memory.  
  
Ayame: Hey! I can see again! (Sees Tenchi giving it to Tsunami.) Oh, Kami-sama, strike me blind!  
  
Tenchi was fully aware of what was happening. He couldn't do anything about it, though. Although it was his first lay (and based on empirical evidence, it was Tsunami's first as well), his body seemed to know what to do. He tried not to feel, not to think how good it felt, how wonderful the motion and the sensation was, when all off a sudden he felt a vise on his neck and was lifted up and away from his partner in pleasure.  
  
Tenchi: No! I'm close to my second! Please!  
  
BOS Killer: Vile maggot! You do not deserve to even be in the presence of the fair Tsunami! Or even that of Sasami!  
  
Tenchi: You're so right! So, can you just send me back home so I can get to do those free-loading broads? AAAAHHHHH!!! What am I saying! What have you done to me!??  
  
Evang: So my new "medication" works, after all.  
  
Jemu: Will it stop working in the absence of the stimulus? I wonder.  
  
BOS Killer: I'm all for trying it. Please remove the beautiful Tsunami from this worm's presence. Send her home, if you must.  
  
Jemu: Your request will be granted, Sir Robot. (Points to Tsunami's dazed [or is it traumatized?] form.) Return to whence you came from, your proper place, Tsunami.  
  
Tsunami is gone in a sequence of cheesy CG disintegration effects.  
  
Ayame: Is the Spacebar's AI always like that?  
  
Sada-chan: Might be a signal transmission anomaly caused by a sudden increase in receptors and inter-system pathways.  
  
Sariko: Huh?! Don't speak Elven, please.  
  
Sada-chan: Actually, it's more of gnomish. Elven tends to be rather lyrical and is more apt to be found in texts concerned with ancient magics. And before you contend that it's Dwarven, its the gnomes who have the more mechanical bent to their nature, whereas dwarves are of a more acrchitect- mmmphpmhphpmphf?  
  
Sariko and Ayame cover Sada-chan's mouth to stop the flow.  
  
BOS Killer: How long did you say the effects last?  
  
Evang: The drug? I don't know. He's the first clinical test.  
  
Tenchi: I know I've been bad, so please, exile me.  
  
Jemu: Okay. (Hits him in the face with a disc.)  
  
Tenchi is gone in a sequence of cheesy CG disintegration effects.  
  
BOS Killer: NO! He'll go after Sasami or Tsunami the first chance he gets!  
  
Jemu: Want to prevent that?  
  
BOS Killer: If I could I'd beam myself down there and guard her 25-8!  
  
Jemu: Then give me a console, quick!  
  
Sada-chan, Sariko, and Ayame crowd around to see what Jemu is typing. BOS Killer is tappping its foot impatiently, while Evang is hosing down Axel and Lamia with Water and Blizzard to cool them off.  
  
Here's a look at what he's coding in:  
  
#include stdio.h  
  
#include splio.h  
  
{Main};  
  
chartrack = Masaki Tenchi;  
  
chartrack = Tenchi Masaki;  
  
chartrack = Tenchi;  
  
chartrack = Sasami;  
  
chartrack = Tsunami;  
  
charxy (Masaki Tenchi, Tenchi Masaki, Tenchi)  
  
if prox %Masaki Tenchi%&%Tenchi Masaki%&%Tenchi% @ %Sasami%&%Tsunami% 0.5  
  
cue BMskill "Hammer_Fall" ctr charxy (Masaki Tenchi, Tenchi Masaki, Tenchi)  
  
{End Main]  
  
Sada-chan: Hammer_Fall?  
  
Jemu: I could have used Funnel_At, but they do collateral damage. Hammer_Fall is much safer. Besides, who doesn't want to see Tenchi hit with a big hammer every time he's within 18 inches of Sasami?  
  
BOS Killer: I want to see him hit with a tomahawk.  
  
Sariko: The native American axe?  
  
BOS Killer: No. The Shin Getter one.  
  
Jemu: There. I've put the code into the Spacebar's attack and defense systems. When Tenchi goes close, a projected AT field in the shape of a big hammer will smack him down.  
  
BOS Killer: BAKA!!! Then you'll smash Sasami too!  
  
Jemu: ACK!!! On screen!!!  
  
Screen pops up, showing Tecnhi already doing something. Er, make that someone, specifically his other grandma, proving once again that he is a grand MF.  
  
Ayeka: Ooooohhh, Teeeeennchiiiiii!!! No, not the finger, not the finger, oh yessss! The fingerrr! Who's your granny, huh, who's your granny!!! Aaaahh!  
  
Everyone in the Main Lounge: EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!  
  
Axel: If you ever talk like that to me while we're at it, Lamia, I'll reprogram you to be a talking sex toy that only lives to please and obey me.  
  
Lamia: Um, isn't that how I'm programmed already, thanks to some mind-altering drugs and your stupidity?  
  
Axel: Oh! Whoops! I forgot.  
  
BOS Killer: I thought horny grandmothers were just an Internet legend. Ugh.  
  
Jemu: But thanks to her, you have time to fix my rushed coding.  
  
BOS Killer: The silver lining, eh?  
  
[ROLL END CREDITS!!!}  
  
  
  
[Out-take : Available only in DVD version.]  
  
He didn't know how, but he knew it was twelve midnight. Ichiro couldn't sleep. He felt that something very horrifying was about to happen.  
  
He was right.  
  
He shot up to a sitting position when he sensed a presence in the dark cell. His eyes adjusted to the faint moonlight, and he could barely make out a figure standing in his cell, near the door. Ichiro felt sweat forming on his brow, his neck, and his back, cold, chilling. The figure took a step toward him, and he had the impression of long, unbound hair.  
  
"Sword." The familiar voice was lifeless.  
  
"S- Sakura?"  
  
"Sword."  
  
"How did you get here? Your cell-"  
  
"Sword."  
  
She stepped into a puddle of moonlight, and the ghastly image Sakura presented froze him. What happened to her?, he thought. He willed himself to slowly get up-  
  
Then she was upon him, her nails, bloodied from digging into her palms while she balled them into fists, her nails tore his shirt off, making some marks on his skin and causing him to swear. He grasped her arms, but she just broke his hold and made short work of his new denim trousers with the same measure of care as she did with his shirt.  
  
"Sword!"  
  
"Sakura, what's the matter with you! Wake up! Can anyone hear me! I need help!"  
  
His cries echoed along the deserted hall, but went unanswered by the uniformed corpses strewn on the floor. Gritting his teeth, he tried to push her off of him, but she kept him pinned down on the cot with savage strength. "I will have your sword!" she shrieked. Her left hand left his shoulder and journeyed southward. Ichiro bucked, and she cackled, "Not yet, but soon enough." The voice was recognizably no longer Sakura's.  
  
"Who are you? What have you done with Sakura? What do you want with us?"  
  
"I am a mere wish-granter. This body- so young, so beautiful- it yearns for you badly. She wants this," the voice said, and Sakura's hand squeezed Ichiro's member, "Do you have the heart not to give it to her? But I already know that you want this as well, am I not right? And not just with her but with the others too. You know whom I speak of. Do not deny it!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED (AS ANOTHER STORY PERHAPS) 


	6. Spacebar Second Stage VI

Spacebar Second Stage VI: You Know What Happened Last Season  
  
A Crossover Fanfic by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the various anime/comic/game characters I mock in this work. So there.  
  
Inside the Spacebar Studios, another meeting was taking place.  
  
Jemu: I'm bored. What do we do for a sixth episode of the second season?  
  
Sada-chan: Why don't you just recycle an old plot device?  
  
Jemu: Good idea. Which one?  
  
Evang: The "turn-lead-guy-into-babe-magnet" thing.  
  
Sariko: That's such an unwieldy name. Couldn't you think of a simpler, better one?  
  
BOS: GASP! BETTA-1?! CHANGE ON!?  
  
Sada: What's wrong with old wirehead?  
  
Jemu: BOS? Oh, he just received a hyper-mail from Sasami or Tsunami, I think. How it happened despite the fact that BOS isn't equipped with a hypermodem, I'll never know, but it does seem to have some sort of weird effect on BOS. I'll have to run a systems check to be sure.  
  
Sariko: Are you sure that it wasn't the fact that BOS got a sort of high-tech love letter or somesuch that has him giddy?  
  
Evang: I think the reason why BOS is behaving strangely is just love, plain and simple.  
  
Silence.  
  
Evang: I take it that Gundam Wing dig didn't pan out too well.  
  
Sada-chan: (Too sweetly.) You think?  
  
Jemu: Axel!  
  
Sariko: Lamia!  
  
Both borrowed Banpresto originals get boson jumped into the scene. Or maybe they were listening at the wings and were waiting for their cue. We will never know.  
  
Axel: We heard that attempt at humor.  
  
Lamia: It was most pathetic. Worse than the general's.  
  
Axel: That's true- hey! (Pinches Lamia's butt-cheek.)  
  
Lamia: (Yelps.) But it's true! Doesn't everyone want to know... (Pauses for dramatic effect.) THE TRUTH?  
  
Jemu: Not when no one is looking actively for it.  
  
Sada-chan: No need to make us sound like a Korean TV soap, too.  
  
Lamia: Sorry. My bad.  
  
Axel: So, I gather you wanted us to punish someone for breaking the 13th commandmennt, "Thou shalt not misuse song titles in thine speech?"  
  
Sariko: Yes, indeed. Go forth and layeth the smacketh down on him. (Points to Evang.)  
  
Lamia: It shall be done.  
  
Evang: (retreats from the advancing pair, or was it the SRW Advance pair?) Don't I get a lawyer?  
  
The surroundings shift and contort so that it appears that the sentenced and the executioners are in an alley between two buildings. Swiftly, Axel gut punches Evang, grabs him, and throws him into the air. Lamia takes to the air as well, leaping at him, slashing with tonfas in her hands in passing, kicking against the walls to chase him further up. This continued until Lamia ran out of wall to kick against, where upon Axel leapt up, caught Evang again and subjected him to a spinning piledriver down to the pavement, head first.  
  
Then the scene returned to the normal, cavernous space of the Spacebar Studios. The Spacebar "originals" were speechless at the carnage they had just been witness to.  
  
Jemu: I didn't know you guys could do a synchro attack.  
  
Axel: Well, now you do.  
  
Sariko: Does your attack have a name, or is it going to be "the-attack-that-13th-commandment-violators-get?"  
  
Lamia: We're still thinking of a better name. After all, Josh and Rim had dibs on 'Alternate Duel.'  
  
BOS: How about this: 'Final Atomic Maximum Buster?'  
  
Axel: Final Atomic-  
  
Lamia: -Maximum Buster?  
  
BOS: It has a nice ring to it, eh? After observing your attack, I noticed that it combined elements from Spidey's Maximum Spider (TM) and Zangief's Final Atomic Buster.  
  
Sada-chan: Plus, you could say that you just FAMBed Evang back there.  
  
Axel: Neat-o.  
  
Lamia: Do you mind if we adopted it, BOS?  
  
BOS: It would be an honor if you did. Please.  
  
Axel: Alright. Henceforth, the punishment for violators of the 13th commandment shall be known as... (Takes a breath.) FINAALLL!!! ATOMIIC!!!   
  
Lamia: MAXIMUM!!!  
  
Axel&Lamia: BUUUUSSSSTAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Jemu: I'm still amazed you came up with a synchro attack so far from your home studio.  
  
Axel: Well, I haven't been playing with Lamia all the time between episodes, you know.  
  
Lamia: A-hem! That didn't quite sound right, general.  
  
Axel: Ah, that is to say, um, uh, we do know how to use the other amenities of the brand new Spacebar Hotel. Like the jacuzzi, for instance. And others.  
  
Lamia: A-HEM!!!  
  
Sada-chan: Sex leading to enlightenment in the ways of a secret attack? Sounds like either a Tantric cult-  
  
Sariko: Or a bad Rumiko Takahashi doujin plot.  
  
BOS: Dog-boy or girl-boy?  
  
Sada-chan: Does it matter?  
  
BOS: Now that you think of it, no.  
  
Lamia: Minds out of the gutter, everyone! What the general was getting at was, we have been doing research on each others', uh, capabilities between episodes.  
  
Axel: At the same time the Spacebar Hotel for non-deceased guests was being brought up.  
  
Jemu: Let me guess- research included playing Super Robot Wars D and Marvel vs. Capcom on GBA and arcade emulators respectively.  
  
Lamia: How did you know?  
  
Jemu: All your base are belong to us.  
  
BOS: That's him and me, doll.  
  
Lamia: What did you just call me?  
  
As she was saying that, a bluish battle aura began to manifest around Lamia, the type that looks like she's leaking ethereal smoke. Then her hair began to spread out, fan-like, strand by strand. What passed for her skirt began to move as if blown by an unseen wind.  
  
Jemu: Axel, calm her down.  
  
Axel: Why shouldn't I let BOS take it?  
  
Jemu: Because if you do, she might take out life support?  
  
Axel: Good point. Lamia dear, cut that out, there's a sale you might want to check out, items up to 75% off.  
  
Lamia: (Reverting back to normal.) Really? Where!? Take me there now!!!  
  
Axel: You owe me, bartender. (Gets dragged by Lamia to door.)  
  
Jemu: Just send the bill to me.  
  
Axel: I will.  
  
Jemu: BOS?  
  
BOS: Hmmm?  
  
Jemu: Any banks I can hit?  
  
BOS: We can make a quick and dirty semi-H production and sell it to mass-marketers to get some fast cash, then use it to fund a feature production and hope it makes money.   
  
Sada-chan: That way we can't be arrested for hiding and abetting a robber. I like it.  
  
Jemu: Alright. Call up some pushers and tell them we're releasing another Better Robo OVA episode.  
  
Sariko: Do we have another Better Robo OVA episode?  
  
Jemu: How hard can it be to splice together various scenes from old robot shows? Failing that, we could re-animate and rework Super Robot Wars stages.  
  
BOS: We could also do a fanservice episode.  
  
Jemu: Nah, I'm saving that for the feature production. So, I'm leaving the rest up to you and the 3 Gunned Men. Put them in the Better Robo, if you want to. I'll work on the script for the feature.  
  
BOS: That's it! We'll shoot with you, Gai, and Tsukumo in the Better, but you have to make a disappearing act on some lousy excuse, and Kaji will be brought in to sub for you! But since he isn't a pilot, he needs to be brainwashed to be one by making him watch various super robot final attack sequences! Am I a genius or what?  
  
Sada-chan: It's so crazy mecha nuts would buy copies for their imaginary / two-dimensional friends. Let's start!  
  
Sariko: I'd love to say 'baka' at this point. Unfortunately, a grown woman, even one with white hair, shouldn't.  
  
And with their burning love for a life out of prison and free of run-ins with the law, the second Better Robo episode was made. It sold millions of copies not just worldwide, but also on Mars, Jupiter, and the space colonies as well.  
  
At an undisclosed department store...  
  
Axel: I just got an SMS from the Brain of Spacebar.  
  
Lamia: (From a nearby dressing/trying room.) What does it say?  
  
Axel: "Please FAMB the narrator when you get back."  
  
Lamia: No rest for the wicked. Hand me the next set on the hanger, please.  
  
Axel: Okay. (Checks out the outfit.) NO, YOU ARE NOT WEARING THIS OUTSIDE OF OUR ROOM AND THAT'S FINAL!!!  
  
Lamia: (Sexy smile.) Silly man. Where else and for whom else would I wear it for? Now, pass it here, please.  
  
Axel: No, you come out and get it. (Grin.)  
  
Lamia: But I'm only in my lingerie!  
  
Axel: (Lecherous grin.) I know.  
  
Back at Spacebar Studios...  
  
Jemu: I'm back! So, do we have the money now?  
  
Sada-chan: Yep. A whole lot of it.  
  
Sariko: Most of which will go to Axel and Lamia's bills.  
  
BOS: Lame.  
  
Kaji: Is that the like the weird anime? The mind-boggler?  
  
BOS: Whatcha talking about?  
  
Kaji: You know, Cereal Experiments Lame?  
  
Jemu: Omigod, somebody kill him! QUICK!  
  
Tsukumo & Gai: DOUBLE GEKIGAN FLARE!!!  
  
The combined force of the blows send Kaji flying, and he lands next to Evang who was just regaining consciousness.  
  
Evang: What the hell? Did anyone get the number of that bus that hit me? And did I miss anything important?  
  
Jemu: You just missed a live-action double high-speed distortion field attack, and the making of the second Better Robo OVA.  
  
Evang: Damn.  
  
Sariko: So, shall we get to work on the feature?  
  
Jemu: Sure. Let me just make a few phone calls to BANVOILA and some others.  
  
Somewhere in the Pacific...  
  
Tactical Officer: Captain, we have something huge and fast on an intercept course with us.  
  
Tessa: Confirm it, please.  
  
Navigation Officer: It's moving at 40 clicks, headed for us, Captain.  
  
TO: Should we go on alert?  
  
Tessa: Raise yellow alert. Put the Tuatha de Danan on evasive maneuvers.  
  
Mardukas: What do you suppose it could be, Captain.  
  
Tessa: Probably another worthless plot device.  
  
TO: Capatain, we have a disturbance headed our way! Analysis reveals a fast-moving, compact anomaly in the water!  
  
Mardukas: A torpedo?  
  
Tessa: Helmsman, hard to starboard!  
  
Helmsman: Roger that! Hard to starboard!  
  
TO: Estimated time to contact, one minute! I don't think it likes us, whoever or whatever it is!  
  
NO: The anomaly is tracking us, Captain!  
  
Mardukas: Increase speed to full!  
  
Helmsman: Aye, sir!  
  
Tessa: Guided torpedoes?  
  
A few tense seconds later, the crew of the subamarine Tuatha de Danan heaved a collective sigh of relief.  
  
Mardukas: Give us a profile of that thing out there, whatever it is.  
  
TO: SIDAR doesn't match it to any known sub right now, Commander.  
  
Tessa: Arm torpedo tubes 1 and 2.  
  
Weapons Officer: Tubes armed and ready!  
  
Mardukas: Fire as soon as you have a firing solution.  
  
TO: It's headed straight for us, Commander. We can fire without computing.  
  
WO: Torpedoes one and two away!  
  
NO: Target is on collision course with the torpedoes, Captain.  
  
Tessa: What could they be thinking?  
  
TO: Sonar-type pulse is being generated by the target!  
  
WO: Torpedoes 1 and 2 have been destroyed!   
  
Tessa: Reverse course, full speed!  
  
NO: Reversing course!  
  
TO: It's gonna be hard to outrun a wall of sound, Captain!  
  
Mardukas: Drop some explosives behind us and detonate them to fizzle the wall.  
  
WO: Roger!  
  
Moments later, the sub shook.  
  
TO: We've been hit!  
  
Mardukas: Damage report!  
  
NO: We're losing reactor efficiency! Maximum speed down by an estimated 20%!  
  
TO: Hull breach and flooding detected in aft sections 34-40!  
  
Tessa: Seal the bulkheads and force the water out. We have to surface, though.  
  
Mardukas: Are you sure, Captain?  
  
TO: SIDAR has come up with what are attacker might look like. I'm putting it on screen now.  
  
The Tuatha de Danan bridge crew stared at what appeared to be a cross between a man-o'-war and a bunch of sea snakes, encased in a clam or a giant crab's body. If clam shells had a couple of reptilian eyes stuck on top of it.  
  
Mardukas: That- what is that?  
  
TO: According to the SIDAR it's organic, sir.  
  
Tessa: Have we stumbled onto its hunting ground, perhaps?  
  
NO: We're about to find out!   
  
WO: I think it's sending out its tentacles for us, fast!  
  
Tessa: Begin surfacing procedure, helmsman.  
  
Helmsman: Aye, Captain!  
  
Slowly, the submarine made its way to the surface, the unknown creature in hot pursuit. The submarine didn't break the surface fast enough to suit the tastes of the crew.  
  
TO: Captain, Commander, you're not going to like this.  
  
Mardukas: How so?   
  
TO: A submarine with an unknown sonar signature has entered the AO.  
  
Tessa: Initiate cloaking.  
  
NO: The other submarine has stopped, Cap'n. The creature is another matter, though.  
  
WO: Tentacle contact in 10 seconds!  
  
Tessa: Open the launch bays! Have every helicopter, fighter, and AS ready for underwater combat ASAP! Raise red alert!   
  
The bay doors slid open, just as the tentacles reached the underbelly of the submarine. First out were the helicopters, flying in circles around the submarine, some strafing the water. Next came the AS, some of which, after attaching themselves to the hull with cables, jumped into the water with automatic weapons. Those that stayed above the water fanned out over the deck, depth charges and torpedo launchers ready. Finally, following a few minutes of fire as the choppers and AS shot at tentacles trying to wrap around the sub and the mecha on it, the bombers took off, armed with anti-submarine weapons.  
  
Mardukas: The 7th AS Team has engaged the creature.  
  
TO: Commander! The unknown sub has launched missiles, possibly AA, against us!  
  
Tessa: Oh, dear. Fight well, everyone!  
  
NO: Flooding has been contained and stopped, Cap'n.  
  
Tessa: Good. We could use a bit of good news now. (Sighs.) I wish Sagara-kun was here.  
  
Mardukas: ... Little punk...  
  
Tessa: Did you say something, Commander?  
  
Mardukas: No, Captain.  
  
TO: B Wing has been wiped out, Captain! Echo Squadron is sending chaff and flares everywhere!  
  
NO: The enemy sub is surfacing as well!  
  
Tessa: Clear the missile tubes! I want Tomahawks raining down on that thing!  
  
Some AS scrambled clear as the launch doors flew open and let a barrage of Tomahawk cruise missiles out. One AS who happened to be armed with a missile launcher as well took aim at where the missiles were supposed to land (thanks to the targeting computer of the machine) and fired his load as well. To their horror, however, the enemy sub (which had now broken surface) disintegrated all the missiles with quick laser pulses. But something else was happening to the enemy sub as well: it was slowly turning its 500-meter length into-  
  
Mardukas: A giant robot?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sada-chan confronted Jemu. "You idiot! You're going to spend all our budget on cheesy special effects and gimmicks!"  
  
"Bite me," was his only reply.  
  
A few seconds later, there was a sharp yelp of pain.  
  
"Not literally! Getter off of me!"  
  
"Hey, you two, GETTA ROOM!" Evang called from the sidelines.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
The situation didn't look good. A 450-meter tall robot was casting its shadow over the Tuatha de Danan, now entangled in tentacles courtesy of the Creature From Below (TM). The AS on deck were either shooting at the robot/sub or hacking away at the tentacles with their chainswords, both to no avail. Multiple panels slid open across the robot's body, and out came cables terminating in devices resembling two cones, a smaller one placed inside a larger one, the vertex of the smaller one and the base of the larger one pointed toward the Tuatha de Danan, being maneuvered into place with meters of cabling.  
  
Mardukas: What is this, a mechanical La Blue Girl episode?  
  
Tessa: What's La Blue Girl?  
  
Male officers on bridge: Ah, er, I, uh-  
  
???: Attention, Earthling submarine!  
  
Tessa: Are we being hailed?  
  
Communications Officer: No, Cap'n. It's coming from the tentacle things of the robot.  
  
Tessa: You mean those things were giant loudspeakers?!  
  
CO: More like huge megaphones, ma'am.  
  
???: Surrender the Black Technology prodigy now; there is no means of live escape otherwise. With the help of the Dragonosaurus, we now have control of your vehicle and mobile weapon launch areas. In other words...  
  
CO: Please be true?  
  
The Comm officer gets beaten up by the other bridge crew. Tessa and Commander Mardukas pay no heed to the actions of the crew, listening intently to the message being delivered by the enemy.  
  
???: In other words - ALL YOUR BAYS ARE BELONG TO US!!!  
  
Tessa & Mardukas: What you say!?  
  
Tessa: You might have seized the vehicle and AS bays, but not the missile tubes yet! Load all missile tubes and fire!  
  
WO: Ayea, Captain! Tomahawks away!  
  
A bigger barrage of Tomahawk missiles surge out from the Tuatha de Danan. The robot/sub didn't bother to use its laser anti-missile defense system. It just stood there, the missiles exploding against its hull, emerging unscathed once the smoke cleared.  
  
???: Your Tomahawks are worthless against me!  
  
Mardukas: An extra-terrestrial with familiarity in Terran weapons?  
  
Tessa: Seems unlikely, don't you think? Unless they've been observing us for a long time...  
  
Another Unknown Voice: Well, you haven't tried ours yet! TOMAHAWK BOOMERANG!  
  
Another Unknown Voice: TOMAHAWK BOOMERANG !!!  
  
Another Unknown Voice: TOMAHAWK LAUNCHER !!!  
  
There were blurs of movement, and the sound of rushing air, followed by the melodious clang of metal on metal. Small explosions occured, a result perhaps of three gargantuan axes buried in the back and shoulders of the huge robot rupturing power and hydarulic lines.  
  
???: What? This cannot be! Who are you?!  
  
Another Unknown Voice#1: Why don't you guess? GETTER BEAM!!!  
  
Another Unknown Voice#2: SPIRAL GETTER BEAM!!!  
  
Another Unknown Voice#3: OPEN GATE!!! CHANGE GETTER 3!!!  
  
Tessa: It appears we have been rescued, or at the least, been given respite.  
  
Mardukas: So it would seem.  
  
A waterspout formed suddenly beneath the enemy and threw it up into the air. Their three rescuers, oddly resembling each other, save that one was red with a red cape, the other black with a black cape, and the third red with black bat-like wings, flew up after their target, axes in hand. They struck the huge robot, the two smaller ones then pushing it down with ruby-red beams from their torsos while the larger one broke into three planes, which reformed into what resembled an emaciated white knight with a drill bit for an arm and a pincer for its other hand.  
  
Mardukas: AS units, clear the air launch bays!  
  
Tessa: What do you have in mind, Commander?  
  
Mardukas: You heard what the enemy said earlier, Captain. They know of Black Technology - they know of you. I am going to send you someplace safe, then.  
  
Tessa: I am not leaving this ship, Commander. Besides, the battle seems to be turning in our favor now.  
  
But as she said this, the plummeting enemy stretched its arms out and with its hands crushed the two other robots who were burning a hole in its armor with their beams. A huge ball of green energy erupted from its hands, destroying both the robots and the hands that held them utterly, leaving only what passed for the enemy's upper arms intact. The third one was busy making a tunnel through layers of plating, and was doing so at an amazing rate. It would have been wonderful, had the huge enemy not hit the sea, the rushing water washing away the third rescuer. Huge waves spread from the point of impact, sweeping out in all directions, bearing away the surviving robot.  
  
Random pilot person: The chopper bays are clear, Commander.  
  
Mardukas: Excellent work, soldier.  
  
Random pilot person: We couldn't take the credit for it, sir. It's like the creature decided to let go all of a sudden.  
  
TO: All units in deck, brace yourselves!  
  
Mardukas: Drop bulkheads in the chopper hangar!  
  
The next few moments were like a storm. Nothing was still, the water was tossing everything in its path upwards, including itself. When calm finally returned, a horrific tableau could be seen. Tentacles from beneath bearing up the white robot spread-eagled, wrapped around not only around the limbs but like a cocoon where only occasional patches of the third rescuer could be seen; the huge enemy robot looming over it, looking like an enraged monolithic idol judging the worth of the sacrifice before it.  
  
Mardukas: My god-  
  
Tessa: We should do something!  
  
Mardukas: You're right, Captain. Chopper bay, ready a Comanche for VIP transport. We're taking the the Captain to safety.  
  
Tessa: Belay that command!  
  
Mardukas: AS units, report in!  
  
Random pilot person: 7th AS team, still in fighting condition.  
  
That was the only reply.  
  
Mardukas: Get back on deck, and prep your economy-size flashbangs. You will fire when I say so.  
  
Tessa: Commander! This is mutiny! I order you to stand down! Officers, seize him!  
  
No one moved to do Tessa's bidding. Outside, the enemy robot had decided on the sacrificial vicitm's fate.  
  
???: So, you were the disgustingly over-used and over-rated Getter Robots. This shall be a fitting end to you, I believe.  
  
A section of the robot's torso opened up to reveal a big-ass cannon which unfolded out of its chest cavity to aim at the bound Shin Getter 2.  
  
???: Shin Getter 2, the form with the weakest armor among the three. There is no escape from this, then.  
  
A glow began to form in front of the cannon's business end. It grew in size until it was as huge as the Shin Getter 2 itself.  
  
???: Shin Getter 2, taste death by parody! TAKER BEAM!!!  
  
There was a bright flash, and through the glare the disintegrating silhouette of Dragonosaurus tentacles and Shin Getter 2 could be made out. Two large explosions occured, the first being the Getter Energy core of the Shin Getter, while the other was the signature blast of a unit with more than 16000 HP being reduced to ashes. (At best, the Shin Getter has around 8000 HP.)  
  
???: Whoops. I didn't mean for that to happen. Sorry, Mr. Dragonosaurus. And as for you, puny Earth submarine-  
  
Mardukas: 7th AS Team, now! Fire in the hole!  
  
The remaining AS, the unkillable 7th AS Team, fired their photo-electronic flashbangs at the target. These mecha-sized flash grenades were actually more of tactical baby nukes.  
  
Helicopter hangar...  
  
Mardukas: Urz-2, Urz-7, you have the task of seeing the Captain to safety and making sure she stays that way. I leave it to you how to accomplish those objectives. Now, go. We will cover for you.  
  
Melissa: Yes, Commander. Come on, Urz-7.  
  
Kurz: Let me carry the Captain, Liuetenant.  
  
Melissa: No way, Seargent. I don't trust those hands of yours.  
  
Kurz: Not trust my hands?! I'm the best damn sniper in this outfit!  
  
Melissa: The idea of trusting you with an unconscious, beautiful teenager is not a reassuring one, Weber.  
  
Kurz: I can put a hole in the head of anyone who comes close to her. How much safer can she be?  
  
Melissa: It's not her safety I'm worried about, it's her virtue. (Puts an unconscious Tessa in the back, then sits in the gunner's position.) Drive, Seargent.  
  
Outside, the mini-nukes detonate in the air. The launch doors open, and a lone stealth helicopter flies off towards Jindai. The Tuatha de Danan pushes its engines to the limit, the 7th AS Team lobbing mini-nukes at regular intervals. For a while, it seemed to be working, and the Tuatha de Danan was able to put some distance between the unknown enemy and itself. Then the enemy did the unthinkable: it folded in on itself, turning back into a submarine, albeit a heavily damaged one, sumberged and began to stalk the Tuatha de Danan.  
  
SCENE CHANGE: Jindai High School  
  
The school bell rang, signaling the end of classes for the day. Kaname Chidori stood up, stretched, and covered her mouth as she yawned, inadvertently giving some male students who happened to pass by their room nosebleeds. Quick as always, her friend Kyoko was there to snap a photo with her digital camera, both of Kaname stretching out and of her accidental victims.  
  
Kyoko: Well, see you tomorrow, Kana-chan!  
  
Kaname: See you as well! And watch out for old men with strange fetishes, eh?  
  
Kyoko: I will!   
  
Kyoko makes her way out, waving to Kaname in the hallway and skipping away. Smiling back, Kaname began putting her things away when a shadow fell over her, making her look up.  
  
Sousuke: Chidori.  
  
Kaname: Hey, Sousuke- you look horrible. Is something wrong?  
  
Sousuke: I must speak with you in private. It's an emergency.  
  
Kaname looked around. It seemed that they were the only ones left in the room.  
  
Kaname: We're alone now. What is it?  
  
Sousuke: I must ask a favor of you, one which I hope you will not refuse even though you might find it disagreeable.  
  
Kaname: What sort of favor? A kiss? (Thinking.) Oh my god, did I just day what I heard myself say. I hope he doesn't say 'yes'.  
  
Sousuke: No, Chidori. It is not a kiss.  
  
Kaname: (Thinking.) Damn him! Why doesn't he want to kiss me? Am I ugly? Are my lips too thin or too wide? Do I stink? (Aloud.) Well, if not that-  
  
Sousuke: Please, Chidori, I beg you, sleep with me tonight.  
  
Kaname: What!?  
  
Sousuke: Please, say you'll spend the night with me, and perhaps the morning.  
  
Kaname's mind began to whirl. Oh, no, this is moving all too fast. What should I say? That I don't know him well enough yet? That would be a lie. But I can't say yes, can I? What if he treats me the same in the morning, after all that I let him do to me?  
  
[INSERT SOME SLIGHTLY MODIFIED JAST USA GAME SCENES HERE.]  
  
Kanama: (Blushing.) It seems rather- all of a sudden, Sousuke. Is there a reason why you asked today?  
  
Sousuke: There is.  
  
Kaname: Well? Are you going to tell me what it is?  
  
Sousuke: I received an encrypted message from Kurz. It said that the Tuatha de Danan was attacked by unknown forces with an interest in Black Technology.  
  
Kaname: GASP!  
  
Sousuke: They were severely outclassed, and lives were lost. Worse, Captain Testarossa...  
  
Kaname: Tessa?! What happened to her?!  
  
Sousuke: Kurz and Mao are depositing her at my place tonight for safety, while they backtrack and make sure no one has followed them inland.  
  
Kaname: Inland?  
  
Sousuke: The Tuatha was attacked in the middle of the ocean, Chidori. They had to knock the Captain unconscious before putting her in a chopper because she would not leave the ship.  
  
Several things happened at this point. First, relief rushed through Kaname because she didn't have to do 'the deed' with Sousuke that night, then mortification that she thought she would have to do 'the deed' with Sousuke that night, then horror upon realizing what tonight was going to be like. Kaname's body acted on reflex.  
  
Sousuke: Ouch. What did you whap me for?  
  
Kaname: Sorry. It was a knee-jerk reaction.  
  
Sousuke: So, will you consider my proposal, Chidori?  
  
Kaname's mind was cooking up a very probable scenario if she left Tessa and Sousuke alone in his apartment.  
  
#BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE 1#  
  
Sound of someone sobbing quietly, as if not wanting anyone to hear.  
  
"Kancho? Daijoubu?"  
  
"H-hai."  
  
Sousuke got up from the futon in the living room, and went inside the bedroom. He had left the bedroom door unlocked, in case Tessa wanted to go to the bathroom. He never thought that he would be the one to utilize the setup.  
  
Tessa was sitting on the bed, her white hair undone and falling over her shoulders and back, wiping tears away from her eyes. "Really, I'm fine, seargent. Go back to sleep."  
  
To her surprise, she felt the mattress shift, and then she was pulled into an awkward but sincere embrace. "You have to let it out, Captain. If you don't do it now, it will be harder for you to cope with in the future," Sousuke advised her.  
  
"I- I want to forget. Please, Sagara-kun, make me forget," Tessa wailed, pressing herself, clothed only in Sousuke's borrowed shirt, against him.  
  
"Kancho! This is not the way-"  
  
"Make me forget, Seargent. That is a direct order," her quiet command came.  
  
Feeling helpless, yet not wanting to distress Tessa further, Sousuke eased her down on the sheets and-  
  
[INSERT SOME SLIGHTLY MODIFIED JAST USA GAME SCENES HERE.]  
  
#END DREAM SEQUENCE 1#  
  
Kaname sometimes hated her well-developed imagination. Then she realized that Sousuke was gazing intently at her. Belatedly, she recaled that he was waiting for her answer, and she noted that the shadows on the wall were very long. She took a deep breath.  
  
Kaname: Very well, Sousuke. In the purpose of preserving both our sanities and chastitites, I shall sleep with you tonight.  
  
Sousuke: Thank you, Chidori.  
  
Kaname: You owe big-time, buddy.  
  
Sousuke: (More serious than usual.) Agreed. Don't worry, I shall pay my debts to you with my body, Chidori.  
  
Kaname: REALLY?  
  
Upon hearing his last sentence, Kaname's mind went into overdrive again.  
  
#BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE 2#  
  
"Sousuke, come here. Rub my back with suntan, please."  
  
"Chidori, your bikini top is not on you."  
  
"Of course it isn't. I don't want any lines on my back. Now, where's the lotion?"  
  
Silence for a few seconds, save for the sound of the tide and seagulls.  
  
"Ummm. I think my back has had enough. Now for my front," Kaname purred.  
  
"Chidori, I don't think that's such a good idea."  
  
"Hmm. You're right, Sousuke."  
  
Sousuke exhaled and relaxed visibly.  
  
"Let's skip the foreplay and get on to the nasty stuff."  
  
[INSERT SOME SLIGHTLY MODIFIED JAST USA GAME SCENES HERE.]  
  
#END DREAM SEQUENCE 2#  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Evang: What's with all the stock footage? And why does the enemy submarine look like a third-rate reproduction of the Battle 7?  
  
Jemu: Well, having some of the Getters appear and get destroyed in a sequence is more expensive than having some of the Getters appear and kick the enemy's ass to hell. You have to pay for their stained rep, y'know.  
  
Sada-chan: Not to mention the cost of rebuilding a lost Dragonosaurus.  
  
Evang: That's it, as of this moment, I am assuming the role of financial manager for this production.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
Sousuke: Chidori? Are you alright?  
  
Kaname: (Dreamily.) Hmmh?  
  
Sousuke: Should you require escort to dangerous locations, a forward scouting report of an area, or maybe just someone to catch bullets with his bulk, I am your man, Chidori. That's what I shall repay you with.  
  
[Bubble popping sound.]  
  
Kaname: Eh? Demo, don't you do that for me already?  
  
Sousuke: Not without trying to persuade you and to change your mind.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
Back at the Spacebar...  
  
Evang: Right, now, when do we turn the girls into nymphomaniacs?  
  
Jemu: You mean, when do we turn Kaname into a nymphomaniac?  
  
Evang: What's wrong? Why aren't we going to include Tessa?  
  
Sariko: You can't transform a person into what she already is, only into something better or worse. Take it from an expert.  
  
Evang: Hmm, you have a point. Okay, so when are we going to make Tessa and Kaname bend both ways?  
  
Sada-chan: With a significant reduction in their willpower and self-control, including Sagara-san?  
  
Evang: Yes! Yes, that is a great idea! And I know hot to make it cheap and easy!  
  
BOS: How?  
  
Evang: I'll asked Fujieda-san to do it! I just bet she'll look hot in a night sniper's outfit.  
  
Ayame: Did someone mention my name?  
  
Jemu: Nyeh! What- where- when- how-?  
  
Evang: How would you like to play a small but significant role in this movie?  
  
Ayame: Let me see: do I want to devote my time and effort to a bit role in this production that will only appear just once and only for a single scene?  
  
Evang: I got two words for you: quality air time.  
  
Sariko: That's three words.  
  
Evang: Whatever. So, whaddaya say?  
  
Ayame: Quality, huh? No making me wear leather and lace, alright.  
  
Evang: Of course not!  
  
Ayame: Okay then.  
  
Evang: Great! Here's a pitch: you're a sniper on a rooftop, and you can't miss. So tell me, how does black spandex grab you?  
  
Ayame: Like a second skin?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It was pathetic, really. It was so easy to trail her; her hair fairly shone even in the darkest alleys, where it appeared ghostlike. Not that she was the superstitious or religious type - facing down attacks from evil spirits on a weekly basis, sometimes even daily, sort of ruined the image and appeal of the afterlife and the netherworld for her.  
  
She sighed. She had been given the address where her quarry was going. What she didn't know was what floor. She checked the launcher slung on her back; her orders were to find out where exactly her quarry stopped for the night, and finish her off along with her sympathizers. The sniper smiled grimly. She had taken care of two of her quarry's sympathizers earlier. The last that she saw of them, they were lying face-up in an alley literally boiling with a gaseous chemical, courtesy of the launcher she was carrying.  
  
She checked them afterward to be sure - they had weak pulses - and inhalation of the gas in their unconscious state was likely to finish them off, as it was heavier than air.  
  
Two minutes, her superiors said. Two minutes of breathing the fumes, and the gas would have started to take effect on a huge scale. Knowing this made Ayame uneasy; she left the alleyway once she had verified the slowdown of their pulse rates. Another beauty of the toxin was, sixty seconds after it came into contact with air, it turned colorless. Since it was already odorless to begin with, it was doubly hard to detect; the fact that it remained active for a full day after exposure was both blessing and curse.  
  
She didn't want to think of such things that were best left to scientists. She had more important things to do now, like look for the door where her quarry would enter. As the bus pullled to a stop, Ayame leapt up to the roof of the opposite apartment complex and set up the launcher and its sighting gear.  
  
She watched as her target made her way to the top floor, making no conscious effort to conceal her moves. Top floor, she thought. Very defendable position, but not the best rendezvous point for a retreat. Its defendability depended on its difficulty in getting reached, hampering those who were seeking shelter as well. All she had to do now was wait. She cradled the launcher in her arms now, peering down its sight and keeping it aimed on her prey.  
  
She didn't have to wait long. Her target headed for the door farthest from the stairs up, and knocked on it. It was opened by a dark-haired young man, and Ayame didn't hesitate - she fired the marble-sized round precisely an inch below the door arch. Something must have given her away, however, as the man at the door suddenly pulled her target into the room and simultaneously slammed the door. Not that it mattered to Ayame. She checked an instrument on the launcher, and saw that her shot had gone into the apartment. Good, she thought. Now for a diversion. She took a flare out, lit it and threw it at the apartment's window. Then she started to climb down from the roof using the metal stairs on the side of the building. It was slow going, but her objective now was to draw attention away from the gas round. Luckily, any smoke that they would see could be blamed on the flare she threw, as it also doubled as a smoke grenade once the fire went out.  
  
She flinched when she heard the sharp cracks of a pistol being fired. She watched in amusement though, as they bounced off the personal distortion field her superiors had provided for her. From the apartment's distance, it would appear that the bullets missed because they hit the metal stairs. Ayame decided to hide behind a huge metal waste bin for effect; she was rewarded by a couple of bullets hitting her hiding place. She decided to tease her shooter further by sticking her head out cautious-like, and ducked the bullet that checked her movement.   
  
She smiled. Radioing for the air evac vehicle to come and get her, she sat back against the dumpster, amusing herself by thinking of the mind games her quarry's rescuers were playing by now. They'd probably assume the worst, especially when they see my ride out of here, Ayame thought.   
  
* * * * * * * * *   
  
Ayame walked back into the studio to the sound of applause.  
  
Evang: Magnificent, Fujieda-san.  
  
Ayame: Thanks. I thought I might have gotten rusty.  
  
Jemu: I especailly liked that "hiding against a sniper" thing you pulled off behind the dumpster. Wonderful show.  
  
Ayame: It comes from hanging around with great actresses, my good man. So, what happens now?  
  
BOS: Let's all find out.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * 


	7. Spacebar Second Stage VII

Spacebar Second Stage  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the game or manga/comic or movie characters that happened to get mocked in this work.  
  
Episode 7: Everyone Gets Some... Satisfaction  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Sousuke cursed. What happened to Mao and Weber? They were supposed to have prevented stuff like this from happening. Maybe the enemy got to them first? It was a possibility.  
  
"Kanchou, daijobu?"  
  
"H-hai." Tessa looked shaken. "Who- what was that?"  
  
"Sousuke, we better get out of here," Kaname said. "They know Tessa's here. We're no longer safe; let's go to my place and-"  
  
"Negative."  
  
"What?" both girls exclaimed, turning to face him.  
  
"Think! The enemy knows we're here, and they have air superiority in the area. That was a stealth design chopper that their point man was taken away in. They might be watching this place even as we speak."  
  
"So it would be pointless to move," Tessa deadpanned. Kaname swung her gaze to her.  
  
"Yes, Kanchou. They'd spot us and just follow us to our new location."  
  
"Sagara-kun, I'm worried about Lieutenant Mao and Seargent Weber."  
  
"So am I, Kanchou. You said they were your security detail?"  
  
Tessa nodded. "If they died, because of me, I'll never forgive myself!"  
  
"Don't say that, Tessa. Maybe they were just captured by the enemy, or better yet, they're lying low and waiting for a chance."  
  
"I hope you're right, Kaname."  
  
Sousuke was thinking on how to educate his two foxhole-mates on the joys of sleeping under enemy surveillance. He offered a quick prayer for Kurz's and Melissa's safety before broaching the subject to his companions.   
  
* * * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, as all of this and the last events of the previous episode were happening, Kurz was hard at work fulfilling a promise he made in the 1st season of Full Metal Panic. "Ready to sink your nails into my nack, nee-chan?"  
  
Melissa wrapped her legs around Kurz's waist and pulled him closer. "Huh, big words, little man."  
  
"I'll show you who's little, nee-chan," Kurz replied, unsnapping the front clasp of Melissa's brassiere and staring mesmerized at what he found inside.  
  
"Well, I'm not the little one, Weber, as you can see. Want some milk? I got it, right here. Come get some, baby boy."  
  
"You betcha. Damn, you're one hot mama, nee-chan. I'm so glad to be 'under' you."  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Melissa stomped over to the director's chair, dragging a reluctant Kurz with him. "Alright, you've had your filthy smut scene between me and Weber, now stick to your end of the bargain!"  
  
Kurz managed to break free of Melissa's headlock. "No, don't take my memory away! I'll do anything, be your hired gun for free, just don't erase the glorious moment that has burned itself just recently into my mind!"  
  
Jemu sighed, and produced a cattle prod. "Oh well, a bargain is a bargain. I was hoping Mao wouldn't remember, but- sorry Kurz."  
  
"No! You'll never catch me alive! I'll die an old man, keeping that image alive in my memories!" Kurz cried out, making a break for it.  
  
"Get back here!" Melissa yelled, breaking into pursuit.  
  
"Agh, dammit!" Jemu complained. "Experiment code B-O-S-K-I-L-R!"  
  
[INSERT STOCK FOOTAGE OF BOS TRANSFORMING HERE.]  
  
"BOS Killer, Stun Cannon!" Jemu ordered.  
  
BOS Killer took out its Stun Cannon and fired, sending Jemu unconscious.  
  
"Dammit, BOS Killer, not him, HIM!" Evang shouted, pointing to Weber, Mao in hot pursuit.  
  
BOS Killer took aim and fired. A second later, Melissa was on the floor.   
  
"Geez, BOS, what's wrong with you now?"  
  
"Targeting and sensor array connection error."  
  
"Targeting and- ah, shit, I thought we fixed your head between episodes?!"  
  
"Negative."  
  
"Well, I don't have the Shinguji ancestral sword, right now, so will a flowstone blade do?"  
  
"Possibly."  
  
As Evang did the decapitate-and-deposit thing with BOS Killer's head, Jemu came to. "Uh, what happened? Where am I?"  
  
"You're in the Spacebar Studios, somewhere out there, and you just got a dose of stunning from your robotic friend here," Sada-chan replied.  
  
"Spacebar-? Who the heck are you? Are you shitting me- hell, who the hell am I?"  
  
"Run that by me again?" Sada-chan ordered, not quite believing her ears.  
  
"Who the hell am I? And you, for that matter?"  
  
Sada-chan's eyes twinkled evilly. "Don't you remember, Jemu? I'm Sada-chan, your domineering, demanding wife, and you're my obedient, henpecked husband!"  
  
"I seem to recall a previous episode where you were sitting in my lap..."  
  
"That's because I told you I was tired and wanted to sit on something!"  
  
Evang quickly assessed the situation, and exploited it as quickly. "Jemu-san, I know this must come as an extreme shock to you. Would you want to go to somewhere where you could think quietly and rest? Why don't you take Sada-chan along, just so you have someone with you?"  
  
"That sounds wonderful, er-"  
  
"My name is Evang. I'll introduce you to the rest of the crew when you feel human again, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, okay. Come on, then, wife."  
  
"Are you ordering me around, buster?!"  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"That's better. Now, move it! To bed with you!"  
  
Evang bit his tongue to prevent himself from making a comment. Using hand signals, he told the Three Gunned Men to bring back Mao and Weber. It was made easier by the fact that upon seeing Mao go down, Weber went back for her, started "rearranging" her clothes, and began snapping away with his spy camera. Mao slowly moaned herself to consciousness.  
  
"Unnnhh. What happened? Hey, who are you?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'Who are you?' nee-chan?" Kurz asked, puzzled.  
  
"Nee-chan? Does that mean you're my little brother?"  
  
Kurz went blank for a while, until he noticed Kaji holding up a sign that read "She has amnesia and is extremely susceptible to brainwashing right now."  
  
"Ah, yes. Um, I'm your little brother that you share a very close relationship with, that you don't mind if I see you without your clothes on or if I touch you wherever and whenever I like."  
  
"Don't give me that bullshit."  
  
Kurz and the 3GM gasped in unison.  
  
"I have blue hair, and you're a blonde. We can't be brother and sister. Now, who are you really?"  
  
Think, Kurz, think! "Ahaha. Okay, I'll quit the jokes. I'm Kurz Weber, your boyfriend of more than two years now, and," Kurz leaned in to whisper to Melissa, "we've been sleeping with each other everyday for the past month allowing me all liberties with your luscious body."  
  
"I have?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Meanwhile, BOS Killer activated his Lemon Incidence Detector and opened a few more weapon ports. He wasn't taking any chances.  
  
Evang watched as Jemu was taken away, and approached Kurz, Melissa, and the 3GM. "Hello, my name is Evang, and you're Melissa Mao."  
  
"I am?"  
  
Evang pulled out a wallet from Melissa's back pants pocket and flipped it open to her. "See? Says so right here."  
  
"Oh. I guess I am."  
  
"You're also under a verbal contract to me which stipulates that you're no to protest if I shoot scenes of you and Kurz, your 'boyfriend'," Evang emphasized, causing the Better Robo OVA pilots to snicker, "Doing the dirty deed together and use it as stock footage for this film I'm making."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why don't I recall anything?"  
  
"Because you've been hit by a concussion cannon that accidentally went off. Your ears are still ringing, no?"  
  
"Now, that you mention it, they are."  
  
"Take a seat with your boyfriend for a while, sit in his lap or something, and be ready for your next scene together, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Sousuke was a light sleeper, normally. Tonight was not normal, however. He put it to all the tension and fear in the air, and not to any aphrodisiac chemical agent delivered by an enemy sniper that was currently polluting the air that he, Chidori, and the Kanchou were breathing. No one in his right mind would bother with such an operation, so he discounted the thought of chemical attack.  
  
He was having another nightmare. This time, he was walking back slowly on a plank suspended from the side of a ship, ending in the wide sea below. Crawling toward him was Tessa, wearing a pirates' hat, a swordbelt, and little else, not even a parrot. He risked a glance down, and saw that Kaname was floating, sporting a green-scaled fish tail. Tessa's arms and braid, and Kaname's long green hair were the only things preventing his dream from crossing the line between fanservice and H.  
  
Slowly he inched further out onto the plank, the wood creaking from his and Tessa's combined weight, Tessa cajoling him to stop this foolishness and join her in the cabin of the vessel. Kaname, meanwhile, began to sing of the wonders of the sea and what she would do once she got her hands on a certain sailor. Two quick glances told him that there were unholy fires gleaming in their eyes, promising a fate worse than death in one pair and a slow, excruciating death in the other.  
  
He had reached the end of the plank, and Tessa still continued with her advance. There was nowhere for him to go but down, down to Kaname and her gleaming eyes. He made ready to take the plunge, and as Tessa was about to reach for his belt, something unthinkable happened: the wood snapped, sending both him and Tessa into the sea's, and Kaname's, embrace...  
  
He struggled for consciousness and won, only to find out that his nightmare had spilled over to the waking realm. He was on his futon, buck naked, and so were the girls. Not a single stitch could be found between the three of them. All of Sousuke's blood rushed to one pointy-shaped part of his body, and it wasn't his nose.  
  
[INSERT SOUSUKE, KANAME, AND TESSA 3P SEQUENCE HERE. A RATHER LONG ONE.]  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Spacebar Studios...  
  
"BOS Killer?"  
  
"Yes, Commander Evang?"  
  
"Don't call me that. It rhymes with Kumander Bawang, you know."  
  
"Yes, Commander."  
  
"As I was saying, I would like to find out how Mao-san and Jemu are going along."  
  
"They are still in bed, sir."  
  
"Alone?"  
  
"Sir, no, sir!"  
  
"Well, that's too bad. Have either one of the FMP couple come up here in the directors' room so that I can discuss their next important scene with them."  
  
"Yes, sir." Turning to the Three Gunned Men, who were huddled over a gameboard, BOS Killer ordered, "Hey, you three, you heard the man, one of you go get either Kurz or Melissa."   
  
"I'll go," Kaji offered, standing up and taking a QuickDoor(TM). A few seconds later, he was back, a disheveled Kurz in tow.  
  
"So, what's this about our next big scene? You want ropes this time?"  
  
"No, no ropes this time-"  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"Your next scene will involve a telephone-"  
  
"Ooohhhh, phone sex. Wow. Never tried that before," Kurz remarked.  
  
Evang slapped himself on the forehead, and growled quietly.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Morning came, and with it, a sense of dread.  
  
Sousuke woke up, feeling oddly heavy, like weights were pressing him down. He opened his eyes and found out that his face was buried in a valley between two soft mounds of snow white flesh.   
  
He threw himself up to a sitting position, not at all used to waking up with his superior officer's cleavage for breakfast, and sent a still sleeping Tessa sliding off to one side of his futon. With Tessa out of the way, he saw in horror what was wrong with him from the waist down: he couldn't see his thighs.  
  
They were covered in long, green, and when he brushed them clear, silky hair. Kaname's sudden exhalation sent warm breath on his weapon and a shiver up his spine. Crying out, he scrambled to his feet, forgetting all about snipers and observers, finally getting both Tessa and Kaname awake as well.  
  
Both girls stood up, unmindful of their nudity, gave him a smile, and stretched out in front of him, telling their blood to start pumping. Sousuke's blood started pumping as well. And we all know where it all went.  
  
Averting their eyes, Sousuke looked down, and his gaze caught sight of the bloody stains on his futon. Blood! Was anyone of them hurt? Quickly, Sousuke made an inspection. Not him. That left the girls, then. And so he went, lifting arms, hair and legs out of the way to look for wounds. Nothing.  
  
"Ano, Sousuke, isn't it a bit early to want - you know," Kaname asked.  
  
"Go ahead, Sagara-kun. I don't mind, though I must say I'm a little tender," Tessa admitted.  
  
"Oh, you too, huh?"  
  
No wounds that he could see on the girls, Sousuke thought. Strange. He was about to ask them where the blood came from, when he saw them looking at him intently. No, not at his face, but somewhere so much lower. "Uh," he began, "I'm just going to take a quick shower, then I'll make breakfast for us."  
  
"I have a better idea," Kaname countered, "Why don't we take a shower together, wouldn't that be quicker? That way, we can make breakfast twice as fast too."  
  
"No, let's all hit the shower together, so that no one gets left out here to ponder over this interesting predicament we've gotten ourselves into. Remember, we still have to go to school," Tessa suggested.  
  
"Sounds like a plan," Sousuke managed to squeak out, as he was dragged to his doom.  
  
[INSERT SOFTCORE SHOWER ORGY SEQUENCE HERE.]  
  
It looked like something out of a sitcom. A boy, dressed in black school pants and a white collared shirt, having two girls on the breakfast table.  
  
* * * * *   
  
"Wait, that doesn't sound right," muttered Evang, looking at the script. "Let's make some changes."  
  
* * * * *  
  
It looked like something out of a sitcom. A boy, dressed in black school pants and a white collared shirt, eating two girls on the breakfast table.  
  
* * * * *   
  
"Oh my! Is he a cannibal?" Sariko wanted to know.  
  
"Maybe he likes 'fish' for breakfast," Kaji butted in.  
  
Gai and Tsukumo exchanged lecherous grins, something they picked up from Kaji. "He likes girls for breakfast?" Gai ventured.  
  
"I think the word you're looking for is 'with', right?" Ayame asked Evang pointedly.  
  
"As in, 'He likes having girls with breakfast?'" Tsukumo blurted out.  
  
Evang sweatdropped. "Ahahahahaha, heh."  
  
* * * * *  
  
It looked like something out of a sitcom. A boy, dressed in black school pants and a white collared shirt, EATING WITH two girls on the breakfast table.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Finally got the damned thing right."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It looked like something out of a sitcom. A boy, dressed in black school pants and a white collared shirt, EATING WITH two girls on the breakfast table. Until the camera took a look under the table. There, a couple of feet in white socks were rubbing against the boy's shins under his trouser legs, the feet obviously belonging to different owners. The camera shot back up to the faces of the breakfasters, the boy wearing a poker face, the girls wearing lazy smiles on theirs.   
  
This picture of domesticity was shattered by a ringing phone. Sousuke tensed up, exchanging glances with his guests, and made to answer it. "Moshi moshi?"  
  
"Sousuke? That you? You sound, I dunno, strange?"  
  
"Kurz?"  
  
"Ah, I see you still remember me."  
  
"You and Mao-san alright?"  
  
"In a way."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Ah, hell, you might as well hear the gory details. Mao- nee-chan's been - shot."  
  
Shocked silence from the other end of the line. "How bad is it?" Sousuuke managed to ask.  
  
"She's recuperating as we speak. We're safe now, just completely cut off from contact with the ship. Don't worry she's in good hands."  
  
Sousuke sent up a silent prayer of thanks.  
  
"Oh, by the way, I was bored watching the nurse ladies give nee-chan yet another sponge bath, I decided to take a walk to your area. I saw that nifty stealth chopper fly away, and I took out an observer on a rooftop close to your building."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Damn amateurs, compensating for skill with technology. He had a nice rifle, which I have taken for my collection, but he also had a nasty habit of smoking rolled up tobacco. What a waste."  
  
"Indeed. You're sure that he was the only observer in the area?"  
  
"Positive. As for satellite spying, well, I'm not so sure."  
  
They weren't out of the rabbit hole yet. "Ah-"  
  
"By the way, Sousuke, you haven't like, you know, peeped on the Captain while she was in the shower, have you?"  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"Ah, that's commendable of you-"  
  
"I took one with her this morning."  
  
"In your stead I wouldn't have - WHAAAAAAAAAT?!"  
  
"Don't worry, Kaname was there with us as well, so-"  
  
"YOU BASTARD!!! NOT KANAME AS WELL! YOU EXPLETIVES DELETED!"  
  
"Good day, Kurz." Click.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
"So how was that?" Kurz asked Evang.  
  
"Very good. The part about Mao geting shot - brilliant, Weber, it was brilliant."  
  
"Good take!" Sariko called out, a signal for the other characters to take a break. "Hey, Director?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"This fic is starting to look like a Fumoffu fanfic instead of a crossover."  
  
"That can be easily fixed," Evang replied.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *   
  
Sousuke and Kaname's classmates were pleasantly surprised to find that Tessa was back among them, and thus threw a party for her. Tessa felt teary-eyed again. She missed this.  
  
Then Angels started falling from the sky, destroying large swathes of acreage with their monstrous power.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *   
  
Sariko stared balefully at Evang. "You suck."  
  
"Well, you wanted a crossover..."  
  
"Do you want to experience firsthand what I did to my victims in Nocturnal Emiss- er, Apparitions?"  
  
There was a VERY long pause, before Evang answered, "No thanks."  
  
"Then write something better."  
  
"Okay. Something better, coming up."  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sousuke and Kaname's classmates were pleasantly surprised to find that Tessa was back among them, and thus threw a party for her. Tessa felt teary-eyed again. She missed this.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, the day turned to night, sending the students running for the windows. It was as if the entire Jindai High School grounds had fallen under a great shadow. And according to the class geek, Shinji Kazama, no eclipses were scheduled today.  
  
"Look!" Kyouko cried out, pointing at something. "What is that thing?"  
  
"Omigod! It's a tentacle beast!" the rest of the female students shrieked.  
  
"It's an LL tentacle beast, just the right size to turn any school into a hentai movie!" Onzuki, one of the Jindai students who was recently given recognition and lines in Fumoffu, exclaimed.  
  
"WOO-HOO!!!!" the male students chorused, except for Sousuke and Shinji.  
  
"Uh, guys, I don't think you should celebrate yet."  
  
"Why? Whatever do you mean, Kazama?" the boys asked.  
  
"Ever heard of shokushu-yaoi (tentacle-male homo hentai)?"  
  
As one, the whole room cried out.  
  
"OMIGOD!!!"  
  
  
  
Out of nowhere, cheesy music which sounded like something Ichiro Mizuki, Masatsu Shimon, and Sasao Isaki would sing to could be heard all over. "What's going on?" Kaname asked, dreading the answer.  
  
As if in reply, three small aircraft flew overhead, circling the soccer field where the tentacle beast was. There was a loud voice that called out which could be heard for miles around, "Tatakai no toki! Iku ze! CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENJI BEETTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Evang ran, dodging left and right as he did so. Sariko was hot on his heels, claws and fangs bared, bloodlust in her eyes. "Hey, what gives? I gave you what you asked for, Sariko! I gave you Better!"  
  
With a flying leap, Sariko sent Evang crashing to the ground and even managed to land on top of him. By virtue of her demonic strength, she was able to trap both of his wrists with a clawed hand, blood oozing where her talons dug into his flesh. "I will suck your blood!" she hissed.  
  
"Do it, and be quick about it then! That way, I'll respawn faster!"  
  
"Who said anything about draining you? First, I'll bring your blood to a boil with some light biting and a lot of heavy licking and petting. Man blood tastes better that way, you know, and even woman blood."  
  
"No! Kill me instead!"  
  
"And end your suffering immediately? Surely you jest," Sariko whispered, nibbling on his ear.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaahhh!" Jemu cried out as his life-creating body part was suddenly engorged with blood, after just releasing a busrt of reproductive cells. He was so hard so fast that it hurt.  
  
"Aaaaaaahhhnnn!" Sada-chan moaned as Jemu sprang back to life once again, still joined with her. She had lost count of how many times they had had simultaneous climaxes, but she knew they had just recently had one.  
  
And now it seemed that the damned man still wanted another go at it. "Husband, please, can we rest for a while? I know you're eager to please me, and I appreciate that, but any more now and I'll either go insane or die from exhaustion."  
  
"Aaaaaarrggahhh!" Jemu cried out as he realized that he wasn't lying alone in bed. In fact, he was lying on someone in his bed. Someone who'd kill him for just peeking at her while she was dressing or taking a bath, and now this... "S- Sada-chan?"  
  
She took his outburst as one of impatience. "You really shouldn't blame me, you know. Like, how was I supposed to know that losing your memory would vastly improve your, um, marital prowess?"  
  
Lost my memory? What is this crap? "Huh? What? I'm confused."  
  
  
  
"Oh, dear. Well," Sada-chan's mind whirred at blinding speeds, "We were honeymooning here, when you accidentally got hit by some stun gun, and got amnesia as a result." He still doesn't remember. Good.  
  
"Ah, I see... I think. And you've been attending to me all this time, right?"   
  
"Yes, that's right."  
  
Good, he thought. If I keep up this amnesiac act, maybe I could keep Sada-chan in this cute and cuddly state. Long enough perhaps to have her help me with this boner. "Oh- ow!" Jemu winced, clutching his temples as if in pain.  
  
Sada-chan was intstantly alarmed. Head pains in amnesia patients usually meant bad things, like brain damage to the return of memory. She hoped it was the former. "Hey, what's wrong with you now? You're supposed to be my obedient, henpecked husband, and I end up taking care of you."  
  
"I- something just came back to me, flashed through my mind." So, he was the obedient, henpecked husband, eh? Over his dead body, he thought.  
  
Sada-chan froze at his words. Oh, no, he was beginning to remember! She must take advantage of whatever time she had left to manipulate him! "What did you see?"  
  
"I remembered- I think I know a red-haired man who also had amnesia who turned out to be someone more than what those who had found him had made out."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
"AH-CHOOO!"  
  
Lamia looked over her shoulder at the man whose lap she was sitting on. "How dare you, Axel Almer!"  
  
"What? I just sneezed!"  
  
"Exactly! Dare you imply that I irritate your nose, or that you can catch a cold while I'm sitting on you?"  
  
She made to leave his lap, but two powerful arms pulled her more securely into her 'seat'. "It could be that someone might be just talking about me," Axel reasoned out, nuzzling the side of her neck down to her bare shoulder. He felt her relax.  
  
"Axel?" she asked tentatively.  
  
"Hmmm?" He liked the way his name came out from her lips in a breathy whisper.  
  
"There are a lot of people here as well."  
  
"It's a park, Lamia. A public place where people go to enjoy the sights, the sounds, the scents of the place for free, alone or with someone special with them."  
  
"You aren't enjoying any of those three."  
  
"On the contrary, my dear. I'm enjoying the what I see," he began, raking her with his gaze, "What I smell," he added, lifting the luxurious green mass of her hair to his nose and breathing deeply, "What I hear," he smiled when her breath came in short gasps as he traced their initials on her nape, "and more."  
  
"I have the bonus pleasure of enjoying what I touch," he lay back, positioning themselves so that the trunk of the huge tree they were under hid them from prying eyes, his hands stealing up to her generous breasts and cupping them possessively, while his tongue made a quick foray into a delicate ear, "and what I taste."  
  
Lamia turned in his embrace, effectively lying down on top of him, pillowing her breasts against his chest. "All with someone special to me," she whispered fiercely. Their gazes met, their lips came together, their tongues entwined, and their hands began to roam over each other.  
  
* * * * * *   
  
"I also remember a page of a book I've read. Not the whole page, but a piece of text on that page."  
  
Horrified, but not letting it show Sada-chan asked, "What did it say?"  
  
"Something like, 'Headaches, as well as other minor ailments and complaints, can be relieved by having an orgasm. One must note however, the distinction between the ejaculation and orgasm, as one does not always signify the other.' Weird, huh?"  
  
"Let me guess, you have a splitting headache now, huh?"  
  
"Well, I do feel like a cold is coming down on me."  
  
I'll just bet you do, Sada-chan thought. "Well, if I can do something about your budding cold, can you do something for me in return? Think of it as just rewardds for my taking care of you."  
  
Jemu was disappointed a little. So, that was what the little homemaker act was all about. Still... "Okay. You scratch my back first, so to speak."  
  
  
  
"I'll do more than scratch your back." This isn't right! What happened to the henpecked husband routine? I'm supposed to be the one taking advantage of the situation, not him! I should be able to order him around without promising anything in return! Instead... "I want you on top, though." If he wants that woody gone, he'll be doing the work, not me.  
  
* * * * * *   
  
Sariko laughed as she dodged a burst if fire from the advancing robot. "There's no need for that, now, BOS. I'm done eating, and I'll be going now."   
  
In response, BOS Killer brought more weaponry to bear, guns and launchers folding out on jointed arms where there seemed to be no more space for them to be hidden in. "Priority one: contact, stabilize, and extract. Bringing down suppressing fire in area, now."   
  
A longer barrage of automatic fire, with a fair helping of energy beams, sent Sariko bounding farther away from Evang's unconscious form. "Alright, I know when I'm not wanted. Ta-ta!" Doing a backflip which brought her close to a QuickDoor (TM), Sariko escaped.  
  
BOS Killer stopped his shock and awe show. "Must conserve resources." He turned his attention to Evang, bleeding from numerous small cuts, and his weapons folded back into himself. He then underwent a wholly different transformation as he assessed the situation. "3GM status - in a scene. FMP teenagers - in a tangle. Sada-chan: bad frame of mind. Jemu - getting payback. Evang - losing life force as I do this monologue. Shifting to Autodoc mode."  
  
BOS's Autodoc mode resembled a fitted, molded single person couch as his main body, sporting a hover propulsion system and various monitors and medico-surgical apparatuses on the same jointed arms that held implements of death earlier. Floating over to where Evang lay, he picked him up and placed him into the seat, setting up a drip and blood works, and basically began trying his best to save him. As a precaution, however, he brought out a pair of tranq-needle autogun attachments.  
  
So busy was he with his precious task that he didn't notice someone slip into the Director's console and type away softly on the keyboard marked "Movie-Script Generator - Directors Only."  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
"I hate multi-tasking monsters," Kaji sighed as the Better Robo hovered above the school grounds.  
  
Tsukumo looked down at the charred remains of the main body of the tentacle beast. "Multi-tasking? It's dead, right? I mean, we hit it dead on with Better Beam!"  
  
Gai cut in, "I'm still picking up female screams and male moans everywhere in the school! What gives?"  
  
Kaji took a deep breath. "We just killed the main body of this thing. We didn't know its tentacles would bunch up and form new, smaller life forms with the same objectives as the bigger one's driving them."  
  
"The tentacles combined? Just like Better Robo?!" Gai gasped.  
  
"Damn!" Tsukumo bit out. "Now what do we do?"  
  
"Well," Kaji glanced at his monitor, "Accoding to this message from the film director, he wants us to Open Grate, go into SS mode, head out separately, and pay homage to Chewing Gum Crisis in the next few scenes."  
  
"Any idea how big these mini-tentacle beasts are?" Tsukumo asked.  
  
"Who cares? We can kick their pervert rears no matter how big they are! Just trust in the Better!" Gai cried out.  
  
"I thought you were going to say, 'Just trust what you believe in to go!'" Tsukumo muttered.  
  
"So, Gai, you subscribe to the saying 'The bigger they are, the harder they fall?'"  
  
"That's right, Kaji! Nothing that a real hero couldn't handle!"  
  
"I've always believed that the real saying actually goes 'The bigger they are, the more difficult they fall.' I mean, take Zeruel, for instance."  
  
"Are we going to do the homage scenes soon, Kaji?" Tsukumo asked, irritated at the delay.  
  
"Oh, sorry. Ahem. OPEN GRATE!"  
  
The Better Robo flashed, then split into its three component planes. Each plane then, in a series of change sequences stolen from Macross, Transformers, and goodness knows where else, turned into three smaller humanoid robots. In truth, it would be more proper to call them exo-suits, hardsuits, Koubu, etc. Gai, Kaji, and Tsukumo looked rather pleased with themselves, smiling hugely, until they noticed something horrible.  
  
THE SMALLER SUITS HAD NO FLIGHT PACKS.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Oh, man, you're terrible!" BOS Killer chuckled.  
  
"I am, aren't I?" giggled Jemu. He sobered, then asked, "What happened to him?"  
  
BOS Killer stared at him eye to LED."Sariko," BOS Killer replied in a low voice.  
  
  
  
"Is that so."  
  
  
  
"Well, he had it coming for that bad pun and succeeding fallout. Still I think it's a wee bit harsh."  
  
"No worse than getting FAMBed, I would say."  
  
"Quite."  
  
Man and machine were quiet for a while, the man absorbed with his thoughts, the machine busy with his patient. It was the man who spoke first, "Where are Sousuke and his adoring harem?"   
  
"Still in the school. What are your plans for them?"  
  
"A little Resident Evil-ish thing. Maybe I should call Issei Tsubaki first, see if he's interested in doing a few scenes with Kaname."  
  
"Are you kidding? He'll sacrifice his glasses and bandana and run around her naked if he thought she'd notice him ishould he do so."  
  
"Can't hurt to be sure, right? And while you're at it, patch me to Sega Kinematron 1926-7."  
  
"You're going to bring in the Sakura Wars platoon into a tentacle-beast infested area? Are you sane?"  
  
"Well, I saw somewhere in a doujin manga-"  
  
"That's a doujin manga, you yutz! Of course they all want some in doujin mangas! Even Orihime and Reni discover that they have estrogen in doujinshi, for crying out loud!"  
  
"You'll wake the patient," Jemu softly rebuked the AI.  
  
"Sorry. But I still think sending the Hanagumi in there would be a very bad idea."  
  
"OK. We'll do it your way, for once." Jemu summoned a handset and began to dial.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Sousuke faced down a creature, grenade in hand. It was a most impressive feat, considering that the creature, a huge, snapping maw with a mass of tentacles and eyestalks moving about on ten legs almost filled the entire width and height of the corridor.  
  
He would have pulled the pin, and would have thrown the grenade into the creature's mouth, if not for two things. One: he didn't want to do any more collateral damage than was necessary. Two: it had Kaname and Tessa. Unifroms ripped, underwear stripped, bound by living rope in ways found only in bondage magazines or pictures. Let's not mention the curious appendages the size of Sousuke's arms investigating every plane, curve and cranny on the bound, nubile bodies.  
  
Sousuke told himself that he wasn't interested, wasn't aroused by the sight in front of him. Only a sicko would be, and he wasn't a sicko. There was something in his pants though, that was acting definitely sicko.  
  
But what could he do now? His bullets wouldn't work, he might injure Tessa and Kaname if he threw the grenade (and he wasn't even sure if it would do anything against the creature), and the monster was blocking his path to his weapons crate, er, book locker. Hand-to-hand, um, hand-to-tentacle was not an option.  
  
Or was it?  
  
"THROMBUS PALM!!! SURE KILL ATTACK!!!"  
  
There was the sickening sound of rending flesh, and two seconds later the monster exploded, coating Kaname, Sousuke, and Tessa in organic muck. For some odd reason, the remains of the creature fell on the girls in very strategic, tactful locations, thus avoiding another NC-17 scene.  
  
Sousuke looked at their rescuer, for once grateful for his annoying knack of appearing out of nowhere just to piss him off. Issei Tsubaki was not looking at him, however. He was gazing intently at the girls who were trying to get up from the pool of slime on the floor and failing.  
  
Issei told himself that he wasn't interested, wasn't aroused by the sight in front of him. Only a sicko would be, and he wasn't a sicko. There was something in his pants though, that was acting definitely sicko.  
  
He caught sight of a male figure who seemed to be in a uniform of sorts, holding something in his hand. His mind weighed the probabilities of such a figure who reminded him of Sagara appearing with a green-haired girl who might be the fair Kaname, and decided that it was very possible indeed. "Sagara! You expletive deleted why are you staring at Kaname-san in such a vulgar manner?"  
  
"Oh, just like you were doing mere seconds ago?"  
  
The two boys began to argue. A nerve popped up on Kaname's forehead, and she was about to let lose a stream of invective when Tessa caught her gaze, silently telling her to look behind her. She did, and saw a swarm of tentacles slithering towards them. "You two could argue all you want for all I care, but Tessa and I have no intention of getting tentacle-raped again. C'mon, girlfriend, let's clear out of here."  
  
Still in the midst of their quarrel, Sousuke pulled the pin of his grenade and tossed it without looking at the seething mass. At the same time, Issei directed a bolt of force at the tentacles. When the smoke cleared, there was more gunk all over the place. Then they began to walk, trading barbs, grabbing and dragging a still-slippery female along to the boys' locker room, and eventually quieting down, settling for trading dagger looks.  
  
"Could you, like, not drag my rear all over the corridor, Sagara-kun? It's not slime-coated all over, you know," Tessa reminded him.  
  
Without breaking stride noticeably, Sousuke bent down and tugged Tessa up and onto his shoulder, ass in the air. He took a look at it and apologized. "Your rear is indeed rubbed raw, Kanchou." He ran two fingers on the spot, causing Tessa to moan. "I'll rub some ointment on it later after you're clean."  
  
"You are doing no such thing, Sousuke Sagara!" Kaname protested, only to be thrown over Issei's shoulder like a bundle of firewood.  
  
"Don't worry, Kaname-san. I'll do more than rub ointment on you, I'll give you a full body massage. My grandfather said that the men in our family have good, capable hands."  
  
"I'll just bet you do," Kaname muttered. "Eh, Issei, put me down, I can walk, you know."  
  
"Have you noticed something, Issei?" Sousuke asked suddenly.  
  
"Should I?"  
  
"It's the noise," Tessa said a little later.  
  
"What noise?" Kaname asked.  
  
"Precisely. What with all these tentacle monsters around, there should be a lot of girls crying, moaning, or shrieking-"  
  
"Shrieking?" Kaname asked archly, one eyebrow going up.  
  
"Well, generally making noises-"  
  
"Shhh! Listen!" Issei hissed.  
  
They all heard it. A series of heavy thuds, the sound of harsh breathing, coming from the stairs near them.  
  
Issei quickly spotted a cleaning supplies store room and followed everyone inside, locking the door as he went in.  
  
"Why are we huddled here? It could have been a rescuer that we heard a while back," Sousuke asked. Issei didn't bother to answer, instead he began to hand towels and distilled water to the girls who accepted them gratefully.  
  
"What about me?" Sousuke asked. Issei glared at him, and handed him a rag, albeit a clean one. Saying nothing, he began to clean up as best as he could.  
  
"We're done. Ano, is there a chance of decent clothes for us?" Kaname asked Issei.  
  
"This is a cleaning supply closet, wench, not a department store."  
  
Sousuke took mixed some muriatic acid and a little water, dipped his rag in the mixture and wrung it out, then took of his black uniform top and began to scrub it briskly. When he was sure his jacket was reasonably clean, he handed it to Kaname. "Here."  
  
"You can't expect us to run around this infested hell-hole in that?" Kaname asked, incredulous.  
  
"It is a significant change from what you've been wearing earlier," Sousuke replied.  
  
When Kaname made no move to take the jacket, Tessa did. "Thank you, Sagara-kun. Your thoughtfulness is appreciated." That earned her twin glares from Kaname and Issei. Unmindful of the death glares aimed at her, she put the jacket on, the material covering her down to mid-thigh.  
  
"Damn, she has way too much sex appeal in that boy student's jacket," Kaname muttered, hoping no one would hear.  
  
* * * * * *   
  
"Hey, she's stealing my line!" Admiral Misumaru sputtered, sending popcorn flying from his mouth.  
  
"Yeah! And she's stealing a compliment that has been slightly altered to fit her but was originally meant for me!" Yurika cried out, grabbing Akito's arm and pointing to Tessa on the screen. Akito tried to slink out of his seat, down to the floor, and out of the cinema.  
  
"Hey you there, in the de luxe row, pipe down!"  
  
"We're also paying to see this, y'know!"  
  
"You have popcorn in your hair, Mama," Lapis noted, picking one out and holding it for Yurika to see.  
  
"Really? Oh, you're right." Yurika began to clean up her hair, Lapis assisting her.  
  
"She gives us - albinos and female captains - a bad image. No wonder there are so many hentai doujinshi floating around," Ruri sighed.  
  
"I think you should blame your Mama for the negative images of female captains, Ruri."  
  
"But she makes it worse, and she's pale to boot."  
  
"What do we do with all these, Mama?" Lapis asked, indicating the handful of popcorn she held.  
  
"Oh, you can throw them over your shoulder at your grandfather during the dull moments of the film."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"That was cute," BOS Killer said. "Nice use of cameo appearances."  
  
"It gets cuter," Jemu said. "Any change in his condition?"  
  
"He's stabilized. He'll be up, but weakened, in a couple of days."  
  
"And Sariko?"   
  
"Keeping out of sight. What do you intend to do with her?"  
  
"Me? Nothing. I'll leave her up to Evang. We can put the how as another issue of Spacebar Gaiden. That way, no one will ever know."  
  
* * * * *   
  
Gai reached the top of the stairs. Third floor. Why did he have to get the third floor. The third floor was floor number 3. Like Gekiganger 3! Suddenly the third floor didn't seem like such a bad floor now.  
  
Checking his instrument panel on the arm of his suit, he noted the life detector was registering four lifeforms, not moving around a lot. Three female students, Gai decided, and one monster. That seemed to be on par for this part. The sensor told him that they were just in front of him.  
  
Gai looked up. He was staring at a door, which the placard proclaimed as a supply closet. So, he thought, the poor girls rushed in there to hide, not realizing that a monster had been lying patiently in wait for prey to arrive. The images in his mind were so vivid they were X-rated.  
  
Reacting to his thought patterns, the plasma projectors on his back swung over his shoulders such that they resembled a pair of cannons pointing forward. Normally, the plasma jets from the projectors were used to give his suit unparalleled acceleration and thrust, as for leaping from ground floor to tenth in one bound or to allow him to engage otherwise elevated targets with his Gekigan Sword.  
  
In abnormal circumstances, such as when needing to blow open a door to surprise the enemy behind it, the plasma projectors could be set to fire concentrated balls of ionized gas over long ranges with reasonable recoil. Known as an impulse cannon, Gai with his usual flair had renamed its voice activation command as 'Gekigan Shoot.' As it was, the system began to absorb air from an intake valve to be ionized and later to be propelled at supersonic speeds. In two seconds he would have enough to blow up the entire room and its contents with two shots; Gai set the fire control to independent, because he didn't want to take out the creature without it knowing what hit it.  
  
"This is Better Eagle, reporting 1st floor and grounds clear. What's your status, team?" Kaji's voice cackled over the radio, startling Gai.  
  
"This is Better Jaguar, second floor is clear, moving to either assist Better Bear or to clear the fourth floor," Tsukumo replied. "What's up, Gai?"  
  
"I have a beast and three victims behind a supply closet door. I was just about to use Gekigan Shoot to make the first strike-"  
  
"Could you speak louder, Better Bear? You're coming in fuzzy like."  
  
"I SAID I'M OUTSIDE A SUPPLY CLOSET AND ABOUT TO BLOW THE DOOR IN AND SHOOT UP WHATEVER CRITTER IS INSIDE IT!"  
  
"No, Gai! The creature might have hostages! Think of the chemicals you could possibly ignite in there!" Kaji barked back.  
  
* * * * *  
  
  
  
"You heard that, didn't you? They're going to blow us up!" Kaname shrieked!  
  
"Get that door open!" Tessa cried out.  
  
"HAI!"  
  
Sousuke began to fire 9mm rounds at the area around the doorknob. Issei couldn't wait for such niceties, and after releasing a kiai, he leapt and drop-kicked the door.  
  
Gai had the ignominy of dodging 9mm slugs only to be brained by a fying door. "Minna, I'm taking fire-" THUD!!!  
  
"Better Bear? Do you copy?"  
  
"Better Bear is down! I'm going for him!"  
  
"We're going for him! Catch you later, Better Jaguar!"  
  
"Nice going, Issei. You just managed to knock our rescuer out cold," Kaname observed.  
  
"Feh. If he was that wimpy, he's not much of a rescuer."  
  
Tessa was just emerging from the room, after Sousuke, when a voice rang out, "HOLDITRIGHTTHEREWHATDIDYOUTOGAIOHMYGODYOUKILLEDGAIYOUBASTARDS!"  
  
The four looked up to a double-barreled gun pointed at them. It's some kind of armored infantry, Sousuke noted, and even has built in short-range missile packs on the shoulders. There's a third weapon slung across its back between what appear to be jetpacks. This does not look good.  
  
As they stared at each other in silence, another set of footsteps could be heard making its way up.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I'm going to end it here, now." Jemu stood up and stretched.  
  
Issei burst in. "You said I would have hot action with Kaname-chan!"  
  
"I didn't."  
  
"But your call-"  
  
"In my call, I said you would be doing hot, action-PACKED scenes with Kaname in them, which you did. You rescued her from a couple of monsters, and managed to KO your rescuer with her watching. You even managed to catch glimpses of her while she was coated in clear slime and while she was washing it off, right? You should count yourself fortunate."  
  
Sousuke walked in and added. "I'm more fortunate."  
  
Issei turned on him. "And why is that?"  
  
"Sorry. Need to know basis only."  
  
  
  
"Why you- you- do not tell me you have spent the night with the beauteous Kaname!"  
  
  
  
"I won't, even though-"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! SAAAAA-GAAAAA-RAAAAAA!!!"  
  
Tsub! Tsub!  
  
Issei Tsubaki fell down, two needles lodged at the back of his neck. "The patient must sleep," BOS Killer intoned, retracting his INCOM-like needle guns. 


	8. Spacebar Second Stage VIII

Spacebar Second Stage  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
Episode 8: Nothing Goes, Here  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the anime or manga or game or movie characters and copyrights making an appearance in this work.  
  
VENGEANCE must be had.  
  
Evang stirred, trapped in the netherworld between life and undeath. It could be that he was more alive than dead. Alive enough to discern that his will, his soul, his consciousness was somehow disjoint as of now from his body. Awareness of time also bode well for him - it meant he wasn't dead yet. He had the niggling sensation that when he came back into the land of the living, he'd wished he hadn't.  
  
A SERIES of piercing beeps alerted everyone in the Main Lounge that something was up with the patient. Then the noise died, leaving the occupants filled with questions, and not a small bit of dread.  
  
"BOS?" Jemu asked the AI-cum-robot, now in Mobile Autodoc mode. His question to the electronic entity rhymed with the word 'loss.' He prayed it wasn't so.  
  
"Vital signs still the same. The body is alive, but it appears-" the robot cut off, as if unable to select the appropriate words from its massive vocabulary. "Ms. Fujieda?" the robot asked in what passed for its pleading tone.  
  
Fuijeda Ayame cleared her throat. "The Ryoshi Disturbance Detector confirms it. The soul is still in the body, but seems unwilling to take its proper place, so to speak."  
  
"Fuck," Ryoji Kaji spat out, "All this soul-separation shit smells too much like one of Gendo's twisted projects." He patted his pockets for a cigarette, but finding none, shrugged and stared at the unconscious form lying in the Autodoc.  
  
Jemu toyed with the idea of asking Dr. Ikari's advice on this matter. It couldn't hurt, he reasoned, since I'm not allowing him to set foot here, and if he waves me off, then to hell with it. He walked over to a communications console, similar to one visible in starships, and put a call to Gendo. It connected on the first ring.  
  
"This is the NERV HQ. State your business, please," Maya Ibuki answered into the mouthpiece of her headset, Hyuuga and Aoba looking on with interest.  
  
"Oh, Ibuki-san. I need to speak with a resident body-soul duality expert right now, if one is available. This is Jemu-san from the Spacebar."  
  
"Oh, the pervert that made Akagi-sempai have the hots for that blonde Martian know-it-all just so he can watch two women go at it, right?"  
  
"... Can you just put Dr. Ikari on the line, please, since I get the feeling you're not inlcined to have Dr. Akagi speak to me?"  
  
"Sorry, but the commander is out and won't be back for three days," Maya replied smugly.  
  
"Four," Aoba butted in.  
  
"Sorry, make that four days," Maya replied with even more smugness.  
  
"Ah. Are you at liberty to divulge where he disappeared to, then?"  
  
"He went to the mountains for a camping trip with the First, Second, and Third Children in tow."  
  
"... I see. Thank you, you've been most helpful."  
  
OBSESSION is useful. Obsession is fine. Obsession is necessary when compasion undermines.  
  
"Well?" Kaji asked. "What happens now?"  
  
"Putting him in the Radichavel in his current state will be making it sure that his soul doesn't ever come back, so that's definitely out of the question," Jemu thought aloud.  
  
"Besides, what will that accomplish, anyway?" Shiratori Tsukumo asked. "Rather, what will that hope to accomplish?"  
  
"We need to communicate with his soul somehow," Ayame mused. "Any ideas?"  
  
"That won't be necessary," a quiet voice replied. As one, they all turned.  
  
"Evang?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"But the machines-"  
  
"I don't understand it myself."  
  
Jemu walked over to the side of the Autodoc, watching as straps were unfastened and tubes gently withdrawn. He put a hand out, and pulled Evang to his feet.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You're welcome. So, how do you feel, o clone of mine?"  
  
"Call me a clone one more time and you'll find out."  
  
"For clones, you sure don't look anywhere close to each other," Daigouji Gai observed.  
  
"That's easy. I was experimenting on Pogi Potions, using myself as the guinea pig. This is why I'm more handsome than him."  
  
A chorus of "Ewwwww!", "Thick!!!", and "The nerve!" greeted this pronouncement. Then Jemu brought out the mugs, tapped a keg, and the party began.  
  
ALCOHOL never sat that well with him, Evang reflected. He bid the Three Gunned Men, Jemu, Ayame, and even Sada-chan good night, and teleported to his den.  
  
Once there, he settled in his chair and reached into the folds of his cloak, taking out his grimoire and spreading it in his lap, he began to read intently. He was unaware of the time that passed; when he finally closed the ancient tome with a snap and hid it once more in his cloak, the fire in the hearth had burned out.  
  
He closed his eyes in the darkness, granting his tired eyes some rest. His head swam, something that always happened when he was memorizing spells. He was glad for this, for it meant the memory of the pattern of the magic was lodged firmly in his brain.  
  
He stood up, then snapped his fingers. A large ball of flame came into existence in front of him, which he split into four. Setting one to hover over his head, two on the level of either shoulder, and one in front of his feet, he began to putter around, looking for spell components here and there.   
  
"One of these days, I'm gonna organize my stuff," Evang thought, "Or hire somebody to do it for me. Maybe some gnomes or elves, but no more imps." Imps were unreliable as hell, getting your problem solved and making bigger problems of themselves in the process. And they were very hard to get rid of.  
  
Not unlike a certain demoness, a small voice in his head said. He paused. He wasn't able to hold both the Word of Recall spell and the Binding Grasp spell in his mind, fresh out of limbo as he was. He settled instead for the Binding Grasp.  
  
It meant that now, he had to go through the hassle of tracking Sariko the old-fashioned way. He smiled. It had been quite a while since he used his summoning skills, being an alchemist for the past few episodes. Yes, it was time to see if he still had what it takes to be a Channeler-Conjurer.  
  
"I'll need iron and salt, then a snack," Evang said. The snack was easy - teleport to the Spacebar kitchen, get a leg of venison from the freezer, then return. As for iron and salt, he always kept some in the pouch in his belt.  
  
He walked to a pedestal where Arataka, the Shinguji ancestral sword, lay sheathed. The pedestal was made of white marble - a more potent cleansing stone could not be found, save for white jade. He scraped a fingernail across the pedestal's top, and found that it had the consistency of packed talc. It was good news - it meant that whatever evil spirit that was around the sword which enabled Sakura to perform outlandish Super Robot sword final attacks was now gone, sealed inside the marble, until the pedestal was split open.  
  
He took the sheath and tied it to his belt. It never hurt to take precautions like a holy sword when one was up to business like his. Now, to head over to the kitchen. He prayed there was still some roast chicken left, and maybe some macaroni...  
  
"HEY there."  
  
Evang glanced up as he entered the Main Lounge, the tip of the sheathed sword scraping against the wall. He adjusted the thing. "Couldn't sleep, brother?"  
  
"No. I mean, I could, but for my own sake I'm not."  
  
"You're not making any sense, Jemu."  
  
"Well, see, if I closed my eyes and fell asleep, Sada-chan might sneak into my pants unawares and have her wicked way with me."  
  
"And that's bad because...?"  
  
"She has this weird powerful black hole-"  
  
"Black... hole?"  
  
"Yeah, between her legs, it just sucks out a mere mortal's will and consciousness binds it to her own. Talk about taking the phrase 'sleeping her way to the top' to the extreme."  
  
"At least you get good sex for it."  
  
"Good sex? Just one second in, one second clamped around you, BOOM! Goodbye, free will and individuality."  
  
"... I take it you've been subject to her sort of psychic vampirism, huh? How come you're not a gibbering old coot?"  
  
"Come on. Neither of us is a mere mortal, having been killed fighting an overgrown imp and later resurrected, only to be beaten up by Ohgami Ichiro's international girl buffet."  
  
"But if you don't lose your will, why are you still not taking advantage of Sada-chan's attempts to dominate you?"  
  
"I'd rather have my life force drain away naturally when I reach 60 and above, not before and not specially due to excessive sex."   
  
"A real demon in the sack, huh?"  
  
Jemu groaned at the bad pun. "Say, I wanna ask you something."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"There was this time Sada-chan and I had this orgasmathon, and we were tuckered out. Then I felt a searing heat all over me, forcing a painful erection on me, leaving me no choice but to give it to Sada-chan in her weary state. I felt something was wrong on your end. Was there?"  
  
"Our psychic connection probably kicked in exactly when Sariko had me this close," Evang held up 2 fingers, "To blowing it all, then she up and takes little bite-bites out of my hide and sucking blood from my wounds."  
  
Jemu winced in sympathy. "You were conscious all the while." It was not a question.  
  
"Yeah, praying that she'd go overboard and take enough blood to force me to respawn. She didn't, though."  
  
"Which was how I found you. You were watering the place with your LCL-like fluid."  
  
"...Hmm," Evang said nothing just began to free his pouch from his belt. "Anyone else in here besides us?"  
  
"Nah, everyone's nursing hangovers. Why?"  
  
"Good. I can do this, then, without anyone minding."  
  
"Ano, what are you- hey! No littering on my floor!"  
  
Evang ignored Jemu's protests and continued tracing a circle of salt, then a smaller one of cold iron on the floor of the Main Lounge. He did a quick teleport into the pantry, stole a leg of venison from the freezer, and teleported back to the center of the circle, where he faced, dead on, Jemu's TMAR (Techno-Magical Ammo Replenisher)-equipped six-shooter.  
  
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't send you into remission again," Jemu drawled out, cocking the hammer.  
  
"It's not an imp this time!"  
  
"Yeah, sure." Jemu's eyes fell on the leg of meat. "And I suppose you're hoisting a midnight snack over your shoulder?"  
  
"This? Oh, it's not for me, it's for the winter wolf I was planning to conjure. Figured he might be in the middle of hunting, and I don't want him to get too hungry to be of any use."  
  
Silence. Then everything happened at once. Jemu fired, and Evang teleported, leaving the meat to drop into the center of the circle. Jemu brought out his Q2 blaster and started doing some double-barreled shooting, his shots marking out Evang's evasive flight pattern. "Hey, man, what's the bgig idea?" Evang cried out, swatting a slug away and cursing at the pain.  
  
"I still remember the last time you summoned something. We ended up filling two episodes beacuse of you." Jemu continued his barrage of bullets and blaster fire, sending any insurance ladies watching, if any, into cardiac arrest.  
  
Evang noticed it too - the insurance, not the ladies, as if there were any around (Narrator snickers). He decided to stop the gratuitous gunplay with an extravagant magic show. "Sol Flame!" Evang cried out, striking the floor with his fist. A wave of red sparks surged its way toward Jemu, rising to about waist high.  
  
Jemu leapt over it, lying flat on his stomach in mid-air ala Matrix or Max Payne, minus the the cheesy SFX. Oh, wait, let's throw them in as well. So for a scant few seconds, the flame wave roiling forward in slow motion, and Jemu was flying...  
  
Straight into Evang's uppercut. This was no mere uppercut, mind you. Evang's clenched fist drove a small ball of concentrated flame chikara which clipped Jemu's chin and changed his flight angle to 90 degrees. Hitting a warm body, the ball stopped and hung in mid-air. Evang spiked it with the knuckles of his other fist, shouting "Tyrant Flame!," and the ball transformed into a huge maelstrom of fire, just as Jemu was coming down. You can guess what happened next.  
  
"Dammit," Evang cursed, "I think I overdid the firestorm bit at the end. Maybe I better summon that winter wolf, and fast." He pulled out his grimoire and sped to a page he had marked between transitions, turning his back on a Jemu rollimg on the ground, and chanted as fast and as precise that he could under the circumstances. Light began to gather in the circle as he chanted, coalescing into a sphere the size of a basketball, which burst into a flash the moment he stopped.  
  
A low, menacing growl informed him that his conjuration was a success. Even Jemu stopped rolling for a while, standing up and taking a gander at the heavy canine form, before rolling in agony again. Blinking, Evang studied the animal, and judged from its eyes why it was so pissed off. "Of course," he thought, "It's probably ticked at the flaming thing in front of it, and I wonder if he'll do anything about it."  
  
As if reading his thoughts, the wolf inhaled, causing its silver white-furred flanks to expand, and breathed out a cone of cold that dropped the ambient temperature in the Main Lounge close to the meat locker's, causing BOS to take note.  
  
The effect on Jemu was immediate. He went from rolling in agony from the flames to shivering from frozen sweat and body fluids. Meanwhile, Evang began to read aloud from the grimoire. "Canis antarcticus arctis. Weighing in at around 200 lbs. for an adult of either gender, except for pregnant females. Diet: carnivorous, occasional berries. Covered in smooth fur, comes in shades of white, silver, or gray for older specimens- yeah, tell me something I don't know," Evang smirked, glancing at the animal. It was less agitated now, probably because of the temperature drop and loss of flame in its peripheral vision, its glacial blue eyes staring back at him.  
  
"I say, your taste in conjuring specimens seems to be improving, Master Evang," a voice piped up.  
  
"Thanks, BOS"  
  
"I hate dogs," Jemu grumbled, seemingly unharmed except for sooty skin and frost-covered clothing. "I got swarmed by a pack of them once when I was younger, and one of them tried to get a piece of my vertebral column. It happened near a church. That's why I don't trust dogs and churches anymore."  
  
He turned to Evang and pointed at the ancient tome. "What else can you tell us about your icy mutt?"  
  
A growl came from the winter wolf, and it leaped for Jemu. Fortunately, the wards were intact, and Jemu laughed as 200 pounds of heavy animal got bounced every which way like a pingpong ball. "Nyeah, nyeah, nye, nyeah, nyeah!" he taunted it, sticking out his tongue for good measure.  
  
"It says here that winter wolves are psionically gifted. There have been some claims that they can read thoughts, or sense emotions around them, aiding them greatly in their hunt. This perhaps explains why they can take on a herd of mammoths or against a bull mammoth either single-handedly or as a pack with equal ease."  
  
"Really? Alright," Jemu walked closer to the captive wolf, making sure he had its attention. "Tell me what I'm thinking."  
  
In a flash, the wolf leaped again, and once more, the wards did their dirty job. Evang asked, "What did you think of that pissed him off so? He sure as heck remembers the barrier!"  
  
"I visualized a litter of pups, everyone looking just like a chibi version of this critter, suckling from it."  
  
BOS reversed the gravity inside the circle, and verified the wolf's gender. "It's a guy."  
  
Jemu looked. "No shit, no wonder it got pissed." He laughed. For his part, the wolf didn't look to pleased at floating in mid-air.  
  
"This is not good. According to The Book, winter wolves are very intelligent and no one has ever reported success in taming one or breeding out its savage tendencies."  
  
"The trainers are probably amateurs. If they're supposed to be very smart, they should then be convinced ASAP that their continued existence is entirely up to their obedience," Jemu stated.  
  
"Yes, but if they are smart, they'll have to be the ones to prove it to themselves that what you said is true," BOS pointed out.  
  
"I wonder if winter wolves have pride," Evang thought out loud. "I wouldn't want to have to use Binding Grasp on him, just to make use of his tracking abilities, but if he doesn't cooperate, I might not have a choice."  
  
"Tracking? What's going on here?" Jemu wanted to know, and so did BOS So, Evang spent the rest of the night filling them out on his plans, the winter wolf's eyes never leaving them.  
  
IN the end, they decided that it was better for everyone concerned to use Binding Grasp on the animal.  
  
"It's not like you have to pay cumulative upkeep for the damn thing," Jemu remarked, "and you can repeat the spell once you recover enough energy."  
  
"I won't be doing any mass unsummoning spells soon, though," Evang replied, stroking the back of the wolf's neck, above the collar that wasn't there before.  
  
"I'm afraid I won't be of much help to you in either of my forms," BOS apologized. "I'm too slow in one, and I can't do much in the other."  
  
"That's okay. It's why I summoned big, cool, and furry here. I'll be hunting witches the way they did in the old days."  
  
"Sounds interesting. Mind if I tag along?"  
  
"Sorry, Jemu, but someone has to maintain a semblance of normalcy here and tend the bar."  
  
"Oh. Well," Jemu raised his glass of rootbeer, "May your hunt be a successful one."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Checking to make sure that the Oriental blade was loose and ready, Evang strode through the doors of the Main Lounge, the wolf loping negligently at his heels.  
  
THE vastness of the Spacebar's interior was stunning. Even for him, who was born here, the gleaming expanse of steel that stretched out as far as the eye could see was mind-boggling. It reminded him of pictures and films he'd seen deserts in.  
  
Did this mean that the familiar settings of the Main Lounge, the Hangar, the Wreck Room, etc., were mere pockets in this vastness? How much of the interior had they, Jemu and BOS and himself, actually plumbed?  
  
Beside him, the wolf whined. He felt through the Binding Grasp that it was already missing its home, that anything 'real' was better than all this whiteness that was not snow.  
  
"Soon, my friend. It was after all, your excellent senses that brought us here. The sooner we find our prey, the sooner you can return."  
  
The wolf huffed, then got to its feet. It broke into a trot, which Evang matched promptly. They ran for what seemed like hours, but in reality was just minutes, coming to a stop before...  
  
"An unregistered OAHD gate? BOS?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You still got a trace on me."  
  
"Yep. Why?"  
  
"Mark these coordinates. There's an OAHD gate right in front of me, and from what I can make out of the panel it's been recently used."  
  
"That's funny."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm not getting any energy readings from your coordinates, Evang. Be careful."  
  
Bending down to grasp the wolf's collar, man and beast hurled themselves through the curtain of light.  
  
THEY found themselves falling through snow-dusted air, the white ground rushing up to meet them at blinding speed. Pulling the wolf close, Evang muttered under his breath, "Feather Fall."  
  
Immediately, their descent slowed, keeping in pace with the snowflakes around them. He became very aware of the fact that he wasn't garbed for alpine conditions, unlike his four-legged companion. He shivered and prayed for a faster, although still safe, rate of descent.  
  
Looking around, he spotted a log cabin nestled in a grove. He hoped it was abandoned, or at the least had a non-hostile occupant inside. His feet hit the ground then, sinking in the slush. The wolf landed on all fours and stayed on top, baring his teeth at him as if to say, "Haha, you suck."  
  
Pull me out of this mess, he commanded the wolf through the magical link. He reached out an arm, and the animal bit down on it, then started to pull. It hurt like crazy, but worse still, they weren't going anywhere. Aloud, he spoke to the wolf, "I'm going to send you running to find your dinner, then release you from bondage. Now, go."  
  
The winter wolf went away, sniffing for scent of prey. It disappeared in the woods nearby, and as soon as it was out of sight, Evang cancelled the enchantment. He waited for the backflow of magical energy that came with it, then channeled.   
  
A wall of fire a meter wide and as tall as his chest sprang into existence vaporizing the snow in front of him. He headed toward the cabin then, checking the Arataka every so often on his trek. It wasn't a long walk, only made difficult by the mud. He supposed he could clear a path through the snow and bake the ground underneath using a superheated blast of air, but he hadn't tried that yet and might blow up the cabin if he made a mistake. Besides, he might not have enough energy to do that AND walk to the cabin.   
  
He wasn't willing to find out now, so he stuck to his burning snowplow and his legs, cursing the mud as he slogged through it. When he reached the door, he realized that things looked very different when seen from the air, and it was easy to misjudge distance. Nearing the end of his rope, he raised his fist and knocked on the door.  
  
"Come in," a voice answered from inside.  
  
The voice didn't sound like its owner would want to gut him, so Evang decided to do as it said and opened the door, closing it just as quickly. He did a quick survey of the interior. The furnishings were simple. Hanging over the fire in the fireplace was a kettle, with something getting cooked inside.   
  
There was no sign of his host. He had assumed that the owner of the voice was a he, since he didn't think women would welcome strangers who appeared out of nowhere in the midst of heavy snowfall.  
  
"Hallo?" he called out.  
  
"I'll be with you in a minute. Feel free to use the fire, as long as you warn me if the stew is burning."  
  
A woman, he thought darkly. The OAHD portal had dropped him in the middle of nowhere where it was snowing. He had no idea of time, of what looked proper and what didn't belong inside the cabin. He looked at his clothes and grimaced. Not only did it look out of place anywhere, it also wasn't enough to keep him dry in the snow. Good thing he had red mana running through him.  
  
"You aren't planning to take advantage of little old me, are you? I mean, a woman alone in a mountain cabin with heavy snow outside."  
  
He better answer, he thought, just to allay her fears. "No ma'am. I'm kind of lost actually. Uh, can you tell me what the date is today?"  
  
"Is it that important?"  
  
"Well, yes."  
  
"Oh. Today's the third of January. What were you up in the mountains for, when you should be home with your loved ones?"  
  
"There's this little thing I have to give to someone, and I got caught up in a lot of stuff and was only able to get around now." This wasn't exactly a lie. He had been stuck in an Autodoc for a while, and he had a lot in store for the person who sent him there in the first place. And if she insisted in seeing what thing, well, he'd show her the Arataka in its sheath. "Um. This may sound odd, but what year is it now?"  
  
"If you follow the Gregorian calendar, it's 1926."  
  
Prickles of alarm raced through his spine. Still, he kept the questions going. "My brain must have frozen a while back. The soup smells done, though. What is this mountain, anyway, and where are we?"  
  
"My, my. So many questions. We're somewhere in the Daisetsuzan mountain range, unless we've been magically transported to another place."  
  
Daisetsuzan Mountains? The unregistered OAHD led to the Japanese mountain range where a legendary martial arts maneuver was supposed to have been developed? Evang felt his hairs rise. His hostess seemed to be taking her time. Deciding that it never hurts to have more information than he could throw a goblin at, he chanted a simple divination spell, then took another look at the room.  
  
It appeared the same, until he looked at the fireplace. Glowing footprints led from the front of the fire to the next room. His heartbeat went up a notch. The cauldron looked normal, but the long-handled spoon hanging nearby was glowing as well. And the flames. The flames were not fire, but the eerie, ghostly luminesence that made up the footprints and outlined the spoon.  
  
Before he even had time to think of loosening the sword at his waist, a voice behind him asked, "Seen enough?"  
  
BACK at the Main Lounge, Jemu was cleaning the place, trying not to worry about his biological backup. Then he realized that if the place got any cleaner, he'd be suspected of being obsessive-compulsive. Needing something to take his mind off what might have happened, he called out, "BOS, I'm going to putter around in the Hangar for a while. You're in charge while I'm gone, okay?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Stepping through the Quickdoor(TM), Jemu stopped and closed his eyes, savoring the ambiance of a mad scientist's armory and letting his creative juices flow. Variable fighters. The idea was burning brightly in his mind. He took a quick glance at the bastardized Geshpenst standing in the midst of a boarding/maintenance scaffold. In event of a launch, the network of platforms, stairs and ladders would either return to the floor or ceiling, or perhaps both. He didn't take note of such details in an emergency.  
  
The black humanoid unit stood glinting under the lights, as if to underscore the fact that Jemu didn't have any experience in making transforming units.  
  
"Wrong. There's the Better/Beta Robo, the transforming sub in Spacebar Second Stage Episode 6, there's BOS transforming into a medic-robot, the ill-fated Zaga-2 back in Spacebar Adventures, and others," a short, overweight man interjected, wiping his glasses with the hem of his shirt and putting them back on.  
  
The Narrator was surprised. "Who the fuck are you!?"  
  
The newcomer turned around, revealing three words printed on the back of his shirt: "The Spacebar Otaku."  
  
The Narrator gasped, then began to do homage to the man. "We're not worthy!"  
  
"THE narration's whacked. Guess we better do without it, ne, BOS?"  
  
"More like it's not there at all. It happens rarely, but it's very annoying when it does. Say, you aren't cooking up another weird mech in there, are you?"  
  
"You think I'd be stupid enough to admit it?"  
  
"I can see everything that happens on this barge, y'know. I've been noticing energy spikes from the hangar area that correspond to welding laser bursts. The way the power cranes have been moving tell me that they've been just hopping around at anywhere between one to ten meters, tops."  
  
"Then I don't have to tell you anything, right? Why don't you instead see to getting the narration back?"  
  
"I don't know, doing a story all in dialog might be interesting."  
  
"It won't be, because scene transitions will be difficult, and sex scenes near damn impossible."  
  
"..."  
  
"See that? We don't know who made that ellipsis. It could have been someone who had just infiltrated the Hangar area to plant explosives again on the suits inside."   
  
"We're not even sure who's talking now!"  
  
"See? We need narration! C'mon, BOS, let's get back the narrator's voice!"  
  
"You make us sound like retrieval agents."  
  
"I might consider it as an alternate line of work when I'm tired of trying to protect the world from devastation."  
  
[INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE.]  
  
COMMERCIALS are magic. They allow weird, wonderful stuff to happen in the short span of time given to them. In many cases, they're worse than Martian Successors on steroids, stretching out for what seems to be an eternity across your screen when in truth they're barely a minute long.  
  
Consider the return of narration. It seems that during the commercial break, Jemu and BOS somehow righted things and restored omnipotent third person point of view in this work. It appears that the first mission of the Invisible Returner Team, aka Back Getters, was a success.  
  
But enough about them for now. It was mentioned very early in the story that good old Gendo had taken the first three Children out on a camping trip. Let's have a look at them now.  
  
"Shinji?"  
  
"H- hai?"  
  
Gendo straightened from the act of picking up another piece of firewood and adjusted his glasses with his now less-than-clean gloves. "I will ask you some question, and I want you to answer as truthfully as possible." There was no asking if it was in his ability to do so, just a command.  
  
"What is it, Com- father?" The last word sounded unnatural to Shinji's ears, though it came from his own lips.  
  
"When you look at Rei, do you still find her hot? Do you still get those primitive instincts to wipe that serene look on her face by ripping her clothes off, throwing her to the ground, and having mad, passionate, unprotected sex with her?"  
  
Gendo's question caught Shinji totally off guard, so much that he dropped the bundle he was carrying. A rather heavy piece of firewood caught one of his booted feet, the sudden pain bringing him back into reality. "F-father!"  
  
"Answer the question!"  
  
"I find her attractive, father, not hot, and as for those urges-"  
  
"Don't give me that crap boy! I know you still think of her as a hot chick! How else would you explain that bulge in your pants when you dropped that bundle of kindling?"  
  
Shinji didn't say anything, just raised his arm and pointed at something ahead of them. Gendo followed with his gaze. Below them, rising up from the stream that ran along their campsite, was a bare naked Asuka. She was making her way toward one of the boulders that jutted out from the streambed, managing to get a good perch on it despite the moss growing on it and her slick body. Once she had seated herself comfortably, she devoted her entire attention to wringing out as much water out of her auburn hair as best as she could manage.  
  
Gendo looked at his son, only to find him on his belly and starting to crawl through the brush with the confident movements of a professional peeping Tom, trying to get a better look. His son was growing up in unexpected directions. Perhaps it was this unpredictability that had would save them when the time came. Or pehaps it would be the death of them all.  
  
IT was a blur of red eye, white hair, sharp claws and teeth. No, Evang was not fighting Inu-Yasha.   
  
But it felt damn close, he thought. The spacious interior of the wood cabin ironically prevented him from using Fire Crash, his only Massive Attack Power (abbreviated as MAP) attack - if he used it, both of them would probably die, Sariko from the intense heat and blast, Evang from sudden loss of body heat while in below zero temperature and the thin mountain air.  
  
That left full defense as his only viable option for now. He didn't like it, and liked even less the fact that the floor was not packed earth but wood as well. Had he been standing on turf, his defense would have been offense as well. Still, there might be a chance yet.  
  
Sariko was furious. How had he managed to track her down? She had taken random turns and twists inside the Spacebar, too many for her too keep count, yet he was still here! And she didn't miss the implication in the reason for his being here in the mountains. A little something for someone, indeed. The moment he stepped over threshold, she had sensed he was carrying something very anathema to her around his waist. Relentless, she kept up her barrage, knowing that if she let him get even the smallest opening for an attack, she would be lost.  
  
He saw the gleam in her eyes as he slowly gave way, backing himself up step by careful step toward the fireplace. He knew that gleam well, had experienced it enough times to know it for what it was. The thrill of conjuring and hurling a Lava Axe when all he had to do was break the ground to release a Steam Blast. Impending victory, that's what it was. Then again, there had been times when he had seen defeat twist and break the jaws of victory, and it had been HIS jaws at those times. "This is going to be very hard for Sariko to live down, if I pull it off," Evang thought.  
  
He backed up the last feet that put him within arm's reach of the stone chimney. The makers of the cabin must have built it around the fireplace, as there were no gaps between stone and wood to let the drafts in. He felt the heat from the ghost flames creep through his arms, covered now with only tatters, scratch marks, and some blood. His shirt might as well have been non-existent, crisscrossed with slash marks from some of Sariko's early wild swings. He had blocked the claws, losing his sleeves in the process, but still his chest burned.  
  
The ghost flames' heat didn't strengthen him, quite the opposite in fact. It sapped his strength, turning his arms into lead and his legs into jelly. If that happened, and if he gave way, his head would end up in the stew pot. Not exactly appetizing, but hey, no one's making mage soup out of me yet, Evang resolved. He reached out an arm behind him, as if to lean against the chimney, his hands coming into contact with stone.   
  
Sariko saw that he needed the support of the fireplace to remain upright, and decided to deliver the coup de grace. She leaped, pushed against the ceiling, and went into a full pounce, her fangs and toe talons extending to three inches, the claws of her hands twice that. He did not dodge, just stared at her rushing form with an unreadable expression on his face.  
  
He felt her claws sink into his shoulders, trying to rip them off, her teeth on his neck, her horrendous talons digging into his upper thighs. He grinned suddenly at her shocked expression - she must have felt like she struck and was stuck to a wax dummy. Knowing he couldn't maintain this stance and secret art for long, he took stock of her position. Another time, another place, this pose would have been somewhat erotic. That would come later, Evang vowed, as he gripped her arms to her sides, took a deep breath and screamed out his attack name to increase its potency.  
  
"SECRET DRAGON DESCENT SPIRAL!"  
  
It was his turn to leap up, pulling Sariko close to minimize damage from her talons while positioning her to avoid getting gelded by her knee. In mid-air, he effected a flip, sending both of them hurtling to the wood floor, headfirst, though her head was a few inches closer to the floor than his.  
  
It didn't take long for them to hit the floor, or rather, for the top of Sariko's head to touch the floor. As soon as it did, a small explosion of flame took place, which drew a cry from Sariko and the singed bottom Evang's pants (he jumped clear as the explosion occured, thus minimizing damage to himself). For some reason, the sheath of the Arataka was unharmed, though it fell to the ground as the sash it was attached to was incinerated.  
  
Quickly, Evang stood up and took stock of the situation. The air throw managed to knock Sariko out cold, and the wooden floor was a good one: it didn't burn, but it smoldered, making damage control relatively simple. Moving with efficiency, he got out of the cabin to scoop some snow and put it over the embers. The explosion had burned through to the earth beneath, and left a circle of destruction four feet in diameter. It took him twelve trips to put the embers out, and by then he was freezing. Still, his work was not yet done. Picking Sariko up, he deposited her in front of the ghost flames, and glared at them.  
  
"Ghost flames are hot only when you don't know them for what they truly are, which could be said of human as well," Evang thought philosophically. He retrieved his cloak, which was hanging by the door safely away from their battle, and after pulling his spellbook from it, put it around his shoulders. Immediately, warmth flooded him, for the book was an old repository of powerful, dangerous spells (mostly involving destruction and energy), and the cloak was made of woven firebeast hair. The cloak was actually a powerful one-shot fire attack waiting to be used, but since he liked the ash and ember colors he decided to treat it better.  
  
After minutes of reading, he found the spell to transmute anything into energy. He wasn't sure how ghost flame would react to getting transmuted, but he was sure he could handle the spell properly, assuming he didn't have to deal with Sariko's attacks, who at the moment was beginning to show signs of coming to. Ghost flame must have a restorative effect on demon kin, Evang theorized.  
  
Taking the Arataka out of its sheath, he made quick work of turning an indecent amount of Sariko's clothes into strips and trussing her up once, twice, and thrice over. No sense fighting her for a second time, not with his arms sore from blocking a thousand slashes. Feeling his pockets for the tracking device / communicator, he froze as he saw what appeared to be smashed circuitry bits all over the place. This was bad, because with no tracking device, BOS would not be able to pinpoint his exact coordinates for a quick teleport. Going back via the way they entered was impossible, there was a blizzard raging outside, and red wizards weren't known for air or water transport spells.  
  
Which was why converting the contents of the fireplace into real flames was important. Evang might be able to stave off hunger, water was no problem, but his cloak and tome could only warm him for so long. There was the teensy-weensy fuel problem to be solved if - when - he succeeded in getting a real fire going, but he reasoned that between the Arataka's edge and his weapon magic, he could fell a tree, cut it up, then take the pieces back inside.  
  
With a last look at Sariko's bound form, he tightened his cloak, pocketed the tome, and went out of the cabin, sword in hand. He hoped he was right about the cloak and book keeping him warm.  
  
"INSANE, that's what the project developers were," Jemu thought as he pored over the schematics and design notes of a variable jet/mobile suit called 'Project Gunmetal.'  
  
"I mean, it takes a whole lot more energy to put myomers and other movement mechanisms in a ready state AND generate a force field than sending a less than 10 meter fighter hurtling at Mach 2, right, Seiya?"  
  
Uribatake Seiya, fondly called Uri-P by everyone on the Nadesico, looked up from another blueprint. "It should."  
  
"So, why does the Havoc Jet not have a force field in flight mode?"  
  
"Probably the same reason why the Battle Engine series don't."  
  
"And that is...?"  
  
"Power to shields is diverted to a huge propulsion system, which is possible only through dubious contortions of the internal connections and structures of the unit."  
  
"They aren't VF Excaliburs, Uri-P."  
  
"Well, it's their problem for not having Transposition Engine technology. Whatever. If you ask my opinion, the enabling and disabling of certain systems dependent on transformation sequences is the product of a lazy mind."  
  
"Whatever do you mean? I think it's creative."  
  
"Creative? Hah!" Seiya spat. "It just shows that they couldn't figure out a way to cram everything into one huge kickass unit."  
  
"I take it you're not a Getter Robo fan, then."  
  
"Not really. Now, those Special Alloy units, now, those are real beauties. Heavy armor, heavy firepower, all in one form. Speed? Who needs speed with all that armor?"  
  
"I'd hardly call the Mazinkaiser a beauty, Uri-P, it's a monster. Besides, every once in a while, even the tough guys need to dodge a Cosmo Nova or Black Hole Cluster thrown at them."  
  
"Hmm. So, you want a transformable? I'm not exactly the person to ask."  
  
"Maybe I should just get a Wing Zero and put a Distortion Block on it. Voila! Super Aestivalis Wing!"  
  
"And what are you going to use to power the Buster Rifles, then?"  
  
"I'll replace one of them with a Double Beam Gatling gun."  
  
"I hope you run into an Aura Battler."  
  
"Then we'll cross swords, and the occasional Machine Cannon. No problem."  
  
"If you want an armored jet, take a Raptor."  
  
There was a flashing light that caught Jemu's attention. A communication had just come in. He pressed the button below the flashing light, and Tsukumo's face appeared in a window. "I was wondering where the Better Machines were," Jemu greeted.  
  
"Well, we thought Kaji could use some sort of practice, so we decided to take a Better Machine, go separate and have a free-for-all."  
  
"I don't like the sound of that. Tell me the Better Machines are still in one piece."  
  
"Oh, they are," Gai butted in, a second window popping up. "Even Kaji's."  
  
"That's good to hear," Jemu replied.  
  
"Despite all the holes and scratches, well, nothing's missing," Kaji assured Jemu.  
  
"That's not reassuring at all!" Turning to Uri-P, he pleaded, "Could you lend me a hand, once we retrieve those three?"  
  
"Sure. Not much to do at home while waiting for dinner to be done, except maybe to molest the missus."  
  
Jemu thought about the brief time he spent as Sada-chan's 'husband.' "I envy you at times, Seiya, sometimes I really do."  
  
"And during the other times?"  
  
"You'd rather not know."  
  
"WHY did she hit me, father?" Shinji asked forlornly. He had not really wanted to, but it seemed natural to do so. He touched his cheek, still bearing the imprint of Asuka's fist. "It's not as if I hadn't seen her naked before."  
  
Gendo looked up from the fish he was supposed to be filleting but ended up dissecting instead. "The mind of man is a mysterious thing," he began, as though speaking from a distance not only of space but also of time, "But that piece of meat is nothing compared to a woman's. And that's a redhead you have mad at you, son, not good. It's a lot of things, but good isn't one of them."  
  
"He's right," a new voice joined them.  
  
"Rei," Gendo said by way of greeting. She looked at him, nodded a gretting of her own, then sat down on the log, beside Shinji. Her next words were addressed to the younger Ikari.  
  
"She didn't object to your seeing her naked."  
  
"She didn't?"  
  
"No, I don't believe so. Surprised at first, perhaps, but that's all."  
  
"So why? Why did she deck me?"  
  
"She probably saw your father emerge from the brush and drew the conclusion that he put you up to it. Peeping at her, then reporting back."  
  
Gendo snorted. "Like I go for precocious girls with red hair."  
  
"Yes, we know it's the eyes you like red." Rei sighed. "It naturally falls on you, Shinji, the task of making sure she sleeps with you again."  
  
"What if I don't wanna?" Shinji replied petulantly. "What if I decided to go after you, or worse, Misato, instead?"  
  
"Son, I've let you get away with a lot of things, including occasionally sleeping with Rei (who could be your mother or your sister for all we know, but somehow we Ikari men seem to brush that aside as no consequence), but I am not allowing you to carry on with Katsuragi-san!" Gendo roared.  
  
Rei silently applauded Gendo's stand, until she found out the reason.   
  
"What if she gets you drunk, and you get her pregnant? Assuming the child escapes Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, it won't escape me! I want the next generation of Children, or my grandchildren, to have hemoglobin flowing in their veins, not Heineken!"  
  
Rei sometimes wished she was a normal human girl, so she could get nerves on her forehead, a twitching eyebrow, and a huge mallet to pound Gendo into the ground with.  
  
EOF 


	9. Spacebar Second Stage IX

Spacebar Second Stage  
  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
Episode 9: Feels like SRWOG  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the anime or manga or game or movie characters and copyrights making an appearance in this work.  
  
"THIS pile ought to be enough," Evang thought as he sheathed the Arataka. If Sakura or any of the Shinguji clan saw what they did to their prized heirloom, they'd chase him to hell. "I'll burn that bridge when I get there." He began to gather the firewood, using a little bit of 'cheating' - telekinesis - to emulate more hands. "Good thing my TK arms are invisible, otherwise I'd look like a tentacle beast. An industrious, tentacle beast lumberjack."  
  
The labor warmed him, the enchantments the sword had made cutting wood as easy as parting flesh. Of course, some of those enchantments were his, temporary ones albeit. The idea of making the Arataka into a one-time vibro-katana was sheer genius, as it increased efficiency a lot with just the least expenditure of his own magical reserve. He did have to stand and think of what to do with the sword for a few minutes, until he saw his chilled hand quiver, causing the length of the blade to do the same. That was where he got the idea.  
  
Evang smiled as he neared the cabin, imagining Sariko's surprise and anger when she found out that she couldn't break the cloth strips binding her. Things are finally going to get hot in the middle of this blizzard.  
  
"I still don't get the principle behind this vibro-blade weapons," Gai complained.  
  
Seiya smirked. "I need a tuning fork and some water and some sugar cubes, Jemu-san."  
  
Jemu produced the required items, interested in how Seiya would explain to the Three Gunned Men how vibro weapons operated. He made the tuning fork extra large, about a foot long.  
  
"Alright. Kaji, please make a tower out of sugar cubes. However, you can only put half the base of one on top of another. It's like making a staircase but you double back every other cube."  
  
Kaji did so, making a structure 6 inches high.  
  
"Now, Gai, I want you to stretch out your hand."  
  
Gai did so, wondering what the old man was up to. Seiya said nothing, just struck the tuning fork on the belly of a nearby Better Machine, producing a sound similar to a large bronze bowl being struck by a small piece of wood. Then he held the fork close to Gai's palm.  
  
"Y-y-yeow-w!"  
  
"What you just felt was the vibrations produced by the tuning fork, Gai. What did it feel like?"  
  
"Like someone was doing something with my flesh and bones inside my hand."  
  
"Hmm. Let's see what these vibrations can do to Kaji's tower, then."  
  
Seiya repeated the sounding process, and held the fork close to, but not touching, the tower. The sugar cubes readily fell out of position, causing Tsukumo to sit up and take notice.  
  
"Now, we try to see what it does to water in a glass."  
  
The water danced like it was in an earthquake when the fork was brought onto the side of the glass. It sputtered violently when the fork was dipped into the water itself.  
  
"Jemu-san, do you have a holo-vid of how ultrasound kidney treatments work?"  
  
"Sure." Jemu took over the lecture then.  
  
Evang closed the cabin door, letting his TK appendages do it for him. He could feel Sariko's eyes on him as he lined the fireplace with firewood. When he was satisfied that the blaze he created wouldn't burn out as soon as he created it, he picked up a glaring Sariko and put her some distance away. "Just in case," Evang replied.   
  
Evang closed his eyes, reaching into his mind for the Transmutation spell pattern. He had to let go of the Binding Grasp to do it, but since he had Sariko tied up, literally, priority went to his own survival. He began to chant, flame-like energy pooling around his feet and spiraling slowly upward.  
  
Sariko lay on her back, watching intently. Evang had had a lot of opportunity to kill her. She remembered passing out as she hit the floor and everything exploded. She didn't expect to wake up and find herself tied upand gagged like a model in an ecchi magazine. "Maybe he'll kill me after he's had his sick, perverted fun with me," she thought, noting that the anti-demon sword was around his waist.  
  
With a final rushed whisper, he stretched out both arms to the fireplace, sending the gathered energy toward it. His energy came into contact with ghost flame, and where the two touched, bright light came. Soon, the fireplace was aglow, then the whole room. Sariko closed her eyes against the brightness.  
  
A loud thunderclap forced them open and closed again. It sounded like lightning just struck something or someone inside the room. She prayed it struck a certain six-foot tall, red-and-black cloaked pervert wizard. She opened her eyes slowly, praying to see charred bondage freak remains on the floor.  
  
No such luck.  
  
Evang dropped to his knees, clutching his head. He forgot that Energy Conversion was a Transmute type spell, not an Evoke/Invoke, and thus entailed backlash for him because it was 1)a huge, 2)mana-consuming, 3)spell that was not of his specialization. The rush of the arcane pattern and the energy leaving him left him drained and strained, yet somehow, he felt strangely alive. It was like blood flowing back into a limb that had fallen asleep, but not quite.  
  
Sariko felt the room began to heat up, and shivered. A man who could do that to ghost-flame? She tested the strips of cloth, which she now recognized as from her own robes, hoping that the enchantment on them was dependent on the caster's reserves of energy. They held firm, and to her horror, she felt them contrict by a fraction of an inch. She was in trouble now.  
  
She turned as he heard him sigh, then gasped, the sound muffled by the cloth gagging her, as Evang took his cloak off to reveal nothing underneath, save for some scars that she knew were from her own nails.  
  
"Yes, they're yours."  
  
Sariko stiffened. He could read minds too?  
  
"Yes. Between me and Jemu, I am the one blessed with more raw power, but he's got more creativity. If we had the same powers and amounts of it, the only difference would be that Jemu wouldn't need this," he said, holding up the tome in one hand, "He'd figure out new things to be done that I've yet to read into. Maybe some things that the book does not even contain, like how to convert a demoness back to humanity without risking blood."  
  
Evang snapped a finger, and the gag in her mouth fell away. He turned just in time to see Sariko wetting her parched lips with her pink tongue, and he groaned. He took a long look at her, bound, indecently covered by an abbreviated robe, and he groaned again, reaching down to adjust the front of his long trousers.  
  
"Omigod, you're really sick. You're really into this bondage stuff, aren't you?"  
  
He chuckled. "Well, someone once said, 'With great power comes great perversity.' You're looking at demi-god material, baby, or at the very least, campfire tales stuff."  
  
"I'm looking at a sicko who likes to tie women up, then leer and jeer at them."  
  
"You forgot one thing, my sweet," he chuckled at the misnomer. "Your sentence should have been, 'I'm looking at a naked, aroused sicko who likes to tie women up, then leer and jeer at them.'" The sound of his boots, then his trousers hitting the floor seemed to punctuate his words.  
  
Sariko looked, then turned away, wishing she hadn't looked. He was wearing nothing more than socks and a monster straining in his underwear. "Do it, and kill me afterwards then!" she cried out, closing her eyes.  
  
His next words snapped her eyes open, "And end your suffering immediately? Surely you jest."  
  
Sariko recognized those words, from when she had drank from him after getting infuriated with him. (SHAMELESS PLUG: SEE EPISODE 6.) She risked another look, and gasped.  
  
He was at her feet, totally naked now, a finger tracing idle patterns on the top side of her foot. She quickly withdrew her feet away from his reach, realizing her mistake almost immediately, as he simply crawled closer on all fours, pushed her bound ankles away from the back of her thighs, pressed her knees to her shoulders and held them there by placing an arm across the back of both.  
  
She almost burst into futile tears as she realized how exposed she was to him and his depravations. She did, though, when he changed his position, keeping her in the same, and flicked his tongue at her most private place, crying out. "NO! PLEASE, NO!"  
  
Evang ignored her and kept to what he was doing, alternating between licking the folds and probing the depths of the wonderful smelling flower in front of his face. Nectar soon began to flow, and he knew that Sariko could feel it, and that it was against her will but nothing she could do about. The knowledge filled him with glee. He could control her in such a base way. It was going to be a sweet revenge, almost as sweet as the nectar he was lapping up busily, greedily.  
  
"STOP! Stop it, please!" Sariko cried out, tears flowing, as her traitorous body entered a vicious cycle of producing her nectar faster, causing the man between her legs to lick and slurp with even more vigor, triggering the release of more of her fluids. What sorcery was this? "I hate you!"  
  
The tongue on her, or rather, in her, stilled. Sariko shivered, wondering if he would kill her now, realizing that she did not want to die now, or any other day.  
  
A heavy, sharp silence filled the room. She felt the bonds on her weaken, and she quickly tore them, fueled by shame and rage, then covered herself with her hands and moved back away from him. Then she saw his eyes. They had changed from their usual black-brown to a shocking deep red, a color that was familiar to her.  
  
It was the same color of her eyes after she had drunk blood, especially blood heated by lovemaking.  
  
He had not moved from his position on the floor, just remained there on his knees, staring at her, no readable expression on his face. His eyes closed, then opened. They were still red, and with their re-opening some things seemed to rise from his back. Long, sinuous, red tendrils of varying thickness. They swayed like grasses in the breeze, lulling her to relax. Slowly, he rose to his feet and slowly made his way towards her.  
  
She wasn't by any means stupid. What was the only sane thing to do when a naked, horny, tentacled wizard was making a beeline for a luscious female such as herself? What else, but turning tail and getting out of there as fast as her legs could carry her.  
  
It would have worked, had not the red tentacles shot out with the speed of striking snakes, the pulsating members finding their mark (and curiously, assuming a flight pattern) akin to homing missiles. Sariko's wrists, ankles, and thighs were once again captured, this time by appendages of ruby light. To her horror, she could not break free, and began to panic as she was lifted off the floor and slowly reeled in to the tentacles' owner.  
  
She was quivering, he noticed. From fear, anger, or something else entirely, he did not know. Using bands of telekinetic force (which he tinged red with a little cantrip just to make them visible) he lifted her, until he was eye level with her generous bosom. He saw her breasts rise and fall with every breath she took, and under his watchful stare he saw her nipples peak. "So, am I to believe you like it rough," he asked, "or is it because of these?" He waved a few of his 'tentacles' in her face, and to his surprise, he heard her whimper in her throat.  
  
What was happening to her? Sariko thought. She was floating above the ground, spread out and exposed to this man's gaze, and soon, unless she mistook the red eyes looking at her breasts and thighs with lust, his touch. Mustering the courage to assume a haughty expression, she sought to make him angry. She would rather die than give herself to him in passion; she at least had that much pride left, though her humanity had been eroded a long time ago. "You would rape me then, to satisfy your need or revenge, and afterwards, what then? Will you kill me, or keep me as your whore?"  
  
"Why not? Killing off a pretty little thing is something I have a lot of difficulty doing, especially if that pretty little thing has things such as these," he replied lazily, his hands going around her tiny waist, then sliding upwards to cup her breasts. At the same time, he pulled her a little lower and a little closer, so his now aching erection was at the entrance of her warmth. "Really, your loss would be a such a crying shame."  
  
She gasped as the tentacles holding her pushed her down onto his throbbing penis, her mind screaming futilely against the invasion even as her walls clenched in reflex to stop the progress of his manhood, which had the totally unwanted effect of giving both of them immense pleasure.  
  
In a dim recess of Evang's mind, a voice was telling him that this was cheating, that his tentacles weren't natural like a Shikima world denizen, but Evang largely paid it no heed. He busied his hands and mouth (plus some other appendages that we need not mention) with Sariko's body, and soon both of their moans filled the interior of the cabin.  
  
He sent a pulse of psi energy at Sariko, a probe, and sighed as he found that despite all the pleasurable sensations cascading over both of them right now, she was still cursedly coherent enough to take a stand of No, she didn't like this one bit, never mind my moaning. He wanted to kiss her, to do with his tongue to her mouth what his penis was doing to her vagina. At this rate, he thought wryly, I'm liable to have my tongue bitten of. He remembered vividly how sharp her teeth were.  
  
Reluctantly lifting Sariko off his still erect member, Evang sent a tentacle out to take the tome and bring it to him. Dispatching more tentacles, he soon had the book propped in mid-air, using another pair to flip the pages. One particular tentacle was giving off more light than the others, which he was using as a night light.  
  
He didn't forget her, though, for his hands were still on her breasts, squeezing, kneading, playing with her nipples, and a thick red tentacle was, for the time being, subbing in for his cock. A slightly smaller tentacle was doing a slow, thorough exploration of her ass cheeks, and the cleft in between. Especially the cleft in between, and whatever was to be found in its depths.  
  
Sariko's rhythmic moaning resumed, which made for wonderful background music for Evang as he re-memorized the casting pattern for Binding Grasp. Not so long, now. Evang smiled to himself, just as Sariko released a high-pitched moan.  
  
"DUDE, are you oaky?"  
  
Jemu looked up from where he was kneeling on the floor, his head bent, his body doubled over. "Does it sound like I'm fucking okay?"  
  
"Why don't you take a break, and we'll see about getting your project through."  
  
"Thanks, Uri-P. Sorry 'bout this."  
  
"Nah. You get rid of that huge migraine and come back ASAP, ok?"  
  
"Sure." Jemu made his way out of the hangar.  
  
"Take care, man!"  
  
"Don't fall on your face!"  
  
He directed the Quickdoor to his quarters, instantaneously reappearing over his bed. He fell onto the airbed, bounced once, then settled down. Something was happening, no, had happened to Evang. He couldn't feel him anymore, not like when he was recovering and his soul was in limbo. Back then Jemu knew where his clone's soul was, but now - he couldn't describe it. It was like it was there one moment, and gone in the next. He knew Evang was alive - he would have started manifesting fire and lightning and light if Evang had died, the strange powers he had seeking out the most compatible host, crossing time and space to do so. If it couldn't move to get him, it would lie dormant, until he came within range, where it would flow into him in a violent surge, possibly killing him if he wasn't prepared, mentally and physically, for it.  
  
"I have you now! It's payback time, you big jerk!"  
  
"Sada, not now, I have this terrible headache..."   
  
Even in his pain-addled state, he managed to grin at how appropriate his comment was, and how it was he, the man, that was saying it.  
  
And like your typical inconsiderate man, Sada-chan was having none of it. "I've heard that one before! So, it's a headache this time, not a cold, huh?" She placed her hands on her waist and glared at the man on the bed. "I don't care, I'm having my revenge, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so!"  
  
"Could you, like, wait for another time to suck my soul out of my cock with your pussy? Like, when I can fight back or at least evade you?"  
  
Sada held an index finger to her chin, as if in thought, then answered sweetly, "No."  
  
Jemu groaned. "I was afraid of that. Have a heart, will you?"  
  
"Have a heart he says. Ha! As if you had one when you took advantage of my belief that you had amnesia and had me servicing you up and down the place!"  
  
"I wouldn't have done it if you didn't plan on brainwashing me in the first place! Talk about taking advantage!"  
  
"Enough talk!" Moving with unholy haste, Sada began to strip Jemu's boots, socks, pants, and briefs. He tried to stay her hands but was chagrined at the ease with which she swatted them away, as if they were mere flies. Soon, she had his lower half bare.  
  
"Is there any way I could dissuade you from doing what you're about to do next and placing me under your domination? How about a deal? We split control over the Spacebar fifty-fifty, how's that?"  
  
Sada fumbled with her skirts, and they slithered off her hips and thighs with a whisper, pooling around Jemu's legs. Jemu gasped as he saw how ready Sada was to go through with her plan, and despite his will, he felt himself begin to react, blood flowing downwards away from his brain and into a certain part of him.  
  
She reached down for him, wrapping her fingers around his semi-turgid length. Immediately, it sprang to full form in her hand, causing Jemu to groan. She shifted forward on her knees on the bed, leaning down to whisper to him, "I don't give a damn about controlling your little bar, I want to control YOU. Sorry, no deal." With that, she sat back, hard, on his lap, her hand around him aiming his entry with perfect accuracy.  
  
She laughed as she sensed his mind and spirit scramble to some basic, hasty defensive formation against attack. Sada smiled. She was going to enjoy this. The coming confrontation wouldn't be a siege; siege was to powerful a term to apply to a cat playing with a ball of yarn.  
  
EVANG reveled in the feelings coursing through him. He was lying on his firebeast cloak in front of the fire, running his hands all over Sariko's back, sides, and bottom as her tongue introduced itself to his. He groaned as his manhood was squeezed by the walls of her warm, moist sheath, knowing that she could feel the effect she was having on him.  
  
Their breaths mingled, courtesy of the connection of their lips to each other's. Their thoughts swirled between their collective consciousness otherwise known as a mind link, courtesy of Evang's Binding Grasp.  
  
"Right now, it's me that's in a binding grasp. So who's got whom?" Evang thought, knowing full well that Sariko would pick it up. He had planned on it.  
  
Sariko did pick up the thought, breaking their kiss to give him a naughty grin and another squeeze. Growling, Evang pushed himself up, rolling on top of her. He took the back of her knees, pushed them all the way to her shoulders, and began thrusting back and forth. His length grazed her clitoris as it slid in and out of her, subjecting Sariko to one continuous orgasm against which she could not, would not, resist. For her part, she clamped down, clenching as tightly as she can around him to maximize the pleasure for both of them. It seemed to work, for their shouts of completion, rose and twined as one again, as they did so countless times earlier.  
  
Sated, both wanting more but knowing their bodies needed some rest if they were to enjoy these moments anew, Evang rolled onto his back again, whereupon Sariko held herself as close to him as possible. Placing a possessive hand on her nape and another across her butt cheeks, he dozed, she doing the same not far behind.   
  
"It's going to be a beautiful morning tomorrow," was his last thought before finally drifting off.  
  
SADA-CHAN was dismayed, looking down at Jemu's shrunken member.  
  
It was going well on all fronts. She decided to toy with him, planning to relish the moment, and was unpleasantly informed of the fact that- well, how should she put it- Jemu was prone to first strike syndrome. No sense in sugar-coating the truth.  
  
The SpaceBar's resident mad scientist was a premature ejaculator. How she had missed knowing when she 'nursed' him back to full health escaped her, but there it was. "Curses! Foiled again!" She summoned a well, and disappeared into it.  
  
Jemu heaved a sigh of relief for two reasons. One: his soul and his will was no longer in immediate danger of being sucked out of him, via oral or penile passages. Two: he could pull off a very realistic impression of a premature ejaculator with all attendant effects. It would be the first in history, that a man's soul was saved because of coming too quickly when having sex.  
  
He sobered quickly, realizing that his reputation was now in ruins should Sada-chan decide to spread word of this event. Granted there were only two women other than Sada aboard the SpaceBar, but each of them kept contact and communication with a larger group of females, and both were usually bored with nothing to do. Conditions very conducive for gossiping sessions, Jemu thought wryly.  
  
He turned his attention to the psychic link between himself and his clone. Technically, none of them knew who the original was, so none of them could claim Originality, but the issue didn't bother them that much. By unspoken agreement, they decided to treat each other as a twin brother, and got along well as a result.  
  
The link was now a little bit fuzzy. Jemu scratched his head. The fuzziness didn't feel like a bad kind of fuzz, as if someone or something was actively 'jamming' it. It was a fuzziness brought about by extreme feeling of relaxation on Evang's end, which was a good thing. Jemu remembered a time when Evang had gotten really pissed off at something - he was talking to Gai then, who was being stupid as usual, and he wanted very much to take a pistol and shoot him again. He thought he hid it, but Gai asked him why he was shivering so, and if he had a fever. This time, though, was very different.  
  
He knew that whatever Evang was doing, he was getting real high with it. He smiled. Nothing like getting a second-hand high via psychic link to get a man's mind off his worries. A little voice inside his head was telling him that he would have to deal decisively with Sada sooner or later, but he paid it no heed.  
  
HE was brought to wakefulness by the sensation of wet warmth squeezing his morning wood. Evang opened his eyes and looked down his body. His lower half was nowhere to be seen under an undulating mass of silky white hair. As if realizing that he was awake and aware, the white mass stopped bobbing up and down, and his member was released from its wonderful prison. He felt bereft immediately.  
  
"Good morning," Sariko greeted him as she sat back on her heels, hands in her lap.  
  
Sitting up in such a way that he was close to her, Evang grasped Sariko's shoulders and pulled her in for a long kiss, his left hand sliding to her breast while his right moved to the junction of her legs, their tongues dueling with each other. When they parted for air, Evang replied, "Good morning to you too, sexy."  
  
"I like your good morning better," she replied saucily. She climbed into his lap and put her arms around his neck, gazing up at him.  
  
"Know something? I do, too." He leaned down to rain gentle kisses on her face, while his hands stroked her back and hair. He couldn't believe his luck. Sometime in the long, long night, he had forgotten to maintain his Binding Grasp over Sariko, probably when he was on his knees behind her and she was on all fours and they were going at it like rabbits. Admittedly, it was kinda pathetic of him to place a mind-control enchantment on Sariko just so she wouldn't bite off whatever body part he had in close proximity with her sharp teeth, but it was all he could think of at the moment. So his "wake-up call" came as a wonderful surprise to him; he was expecting to feel teeth and pain, or worse loss AND pain.  
  
And now he had just finished French-kissing her. His tongue felt whole.  
  
With a sigh, he pulled himself and Sariko up. With one last peck, he put her away from him and said, "The storm's over. Let's go."  
  
"Go? Where? And in case you haven't noticed, we'd freeze to death the moment we step out of this cabin, blizzard or no blizzard, thanks to you."  
  
"Ah- You're referring to our clothing, yes?"  
  
"It doesn't take a sage or an alchemist to figure it out."  
  
"Luckily for us, I am both."   
  
"... Will you just please get us some clothes that will save us from hypothermia?"  
  
"Just curious. How come you survived, when all you had on was that robe?"  
  
"I got lucky and found the cabin before the storm hit. My turn. How did you find this cabin?"  
  
Evang noticed that she didn't say "How did you find me." Curious, he thought. "Would you believe I had a little outside help?"  
  
"Just summon those clothes, will you?"  
  
"I'll do better than that. I'll create them."  
  
"And the episode has just become SpaceBar Fashion Emergency."  
  
"Keep that up and you'll find yourself wearing a thermal thong."  
  
AFTER a few minutes of bickering, followed by a few minutes of sitting down, ("I told you, I'm not specialized in creating stuff with my power, I specialize in calling power and blasting stuff with it.") the two were ready to go whereever it was Evang had planned for them to go.  
  
"Where exactly do you want to go?" Sariko asked.  
  
"Well, I figured since where in 1926 Japan right now, I'll go and return this here sacred relic to its guardians. I've already purged it of whatever taint it was that caused Sakura to go berserk super robot-style, so it should be safe for her to hold it again."  
  
"And how do you propose we get there?"  
  
"Simple: we ride."  
  
"We ride."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ride what? The snow?"  
  
"No. Not the snow, but what lies beneath the snow."  
  
So saying, he knelt and touched the snow-covered turf. He muttered and incantation, and the ground began to shake.  
  
"Are you crazy? You're going to bring down the mountains down on our heads!" Sariko exclaimed, tugging on Evang's arm.  
  
"Quiet. I know what I'm doing," he replied, before continuing with his chant.  
  
Despite Sariko's fears, no avalanche came. There was now, however, a raised platform of packed earth, coming to about knee-high, easily mountable with a small hop. It was oblong in shape, five feet long and three feet across at its widest. Evang hopped aboard, then turned to face Sariko, who was eyeing him and the construct warily.  
  
"I've always wanted to try snowboarding," Evang said by way of explanation.  
  
Sariko didn't budge, just raised an elegant eyebrow.  
  
"C'mon, where's your sense of adventure?"  
  
"I left it with my humanity."  
  
"Fraidy-cat!"  
  
"Am not! I'm just sensible!"  
  
"Taking this sled down the mountain IS sensible. There's no one around to notice us, anyway, and it sure beats walking."  
  
"But it doesn't have seats."  
  
"What do I look like, a sculptor? If I was one, believe me, I wouldn't be making stupid potions in my lab to sell to gullible people out there, I'd be creating an army of golems and take over worlds!"  
  
AXEL and Lamia eventually find their way back to the Main Lounge. Jemu greets them, not stopping in his chore of polishing the glassware, and eavesdropping on their conversation.  
  
"I still say we ought to be on the next Super Robot Wars Original Generation game."  
  
"I'm all for that too, as long as it's not on the Game Station 2."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I don't like the idea of zillions of fanboys drooling all over the world as you execute your hissatsu attacks."  
  
"Wha-? I don't get it."  
  
"Maybe this will help?" BOS piped in, bringing up a viewscreen which was showing a part of the SRW Alpha 2 opening video (the one where the original characters are shown, somewhere near the end).  
  
Axel stared at the video and grinned, his head bobbing up and down as he watched.   
  
Lamia stared, horrified, at the video, and noticing Axel's reaction, whapped him on the back of the head, sending him off his stool and onto the floor.  
  
BOS killed the video and the viewscreen vanished. Isn't Nadesico technology wonderful?  
  
Everyone in the Main Lounge glared at the Narrator.  
  
Narrator: Ok, ok, I'll cut out on the side comments. Yeesh. You'd think I'd installed hidden cameras in the women's room, the way they glared. (Grumbles.)  
  
Axel recovered first. "See? Only it won't just be me, but millions of faceless, brainless fanboys who don't have lives doing it as well. And that's something I'll never stand for."  
  
"You- your really care if other people see me bouncing around?" Lamia asked.  
  
"Of course! What do you take me for? I take care of what's mine, or what has been entrusted to me."  
  
"I- I don't know what to say."  
  
"Say you'll NOT accept the project if it's for the Game Station 2."  
  
"Axel, aren't you over-reacting? I mean, the second SRWOG might be for the Game Station Advance. No chance of bouncing there," except for fighting games, Jemu added silently.  
  
"Hunh," Axel grunted, still not convinced. "Say, where's your clone?"  
  
"Who knows? But wherever he is, he's having a lot of fun."  
  
Evang wasn't having fun at the moment, unless you count being baited as fun.  
  
"I told you this sled of yours was a bad idea, but did you listen to me? No!"   
  
"Hey, it was fun while it lasted, right?"  
  
"If I didn't know better," Sariko slanted her eyes, "You didn't put any 'seats' on that thing just so you could have my arms wrapped around you and my chest against your back."  
  
"Was it so horrible for you, then?" Evang asked with a raised eyebrow, causing a red line to appear across Sariko's cheeks.  
  
"That's not the point! All that your sled managed to do was get us out of the mountains. Now that we're on level land, what do we do?"  
  
"Hmm. We can't sled anymore because there's no slope. I guess we have no choice but to teleport to the Imperial Theater."  
  
Sariko exploded. "Then why didn't we do so in the first place?!"  
  
"Well, I wanted to feel the thrill of surfing down a mountain with you clinging to me, and boy was it awesome!"  
  
"Why you-!"  
  
"Besides, I needed the bearings for the Imperial Theater, and I was communing with the earth while we were sliding downhill."  
  
"Which is probably why we had such a bad stop at the bottom, I'm guessing."  
  
"Hmph. I was right. You are more than a cute face and a great body, you have a brain too."  
  
"I also have these," Sariko offered, extending her claws for Evang to see, then made a mock lunge at him.  
  
He easily sidestepped, catching her wrist and pulling her to him with fluid movements. "Behave," he whispered huskily.  
  
"Meow."  
  
"I don't believe this," he thought, "we're on the side of a country road, and I'm thinking of fornicating with her here and now."  
  
She reached up with her free hand and ran her nails lightly from the base of his neck down to the small of his back. "Purr."  
  
He shivered, but not from the cold. To defuse the sexual tension, he quipped, "Funny, I don't see any ears growing out the top of your head."  
  
"Maybe I'm hiding my tail under all these clothes. Wanna look or it?"  
  
"That's it. We're teleporting, now. Stay close."  
  
"Okay!" Sariko wrapped her arms around him and held tight.   
  
BACK at the Main Lounge, a lively discussion was taking place, which was strange since no one was tanked yet.  
  
"The thing I've noticed is," Jemu began, "Very few women die in anime. Agreed?"  
  
"That statement ought to be ammended to 'Very few women die in anime that I've seen,'" Ayame replied, taking a sip of her tea.  
  
"Granted. Then again, very few anime actually show women dying in the course of the episode or the entirety of the film."  
  
"Well, there was the first Rei who got strangled," Kaji offered.  
  
"Who's Rei?" Gai asked. Tsukumo nodded as well, wanting to hear the answer too.  
  
"She's one of Shinji's 'playmates,' remember? We used to tease him with, 'Alright, Shinji, what - or WHO - did you do this time?'"  
  
"Oh. Wait, do you mean there was a Rei before the one we met?" Tsukumo asked.  
  
"And is Jemu going to pull her in here as well?" Gai asked shrewdly.  
  
All eyes fell on Jemu. "I wouldn't mind another female here," Ayame began.  
  
"If you watched End of Evangelion, Misato also died, right?" Kaji added.  
  
"Hmm," was all Jemu said.  
  
The doors opened, admitting Axel and Lamia. "Banpresto had better not look this way too closely, pardon the pun," Axel quipped.  
  
"Eh? What do you mean, Axel?" Jemu asked.  
  
"We paid a visit to the hangar, and saw your Better Machines," Lamia replied. "They're not copies of the Saotome robots."  
  
"They're not!? Then what are they?" Tsukumo asked, incredulous.  
  
"They're R-series rip-offs," Axel stated baldly. "Which makes them rip-offs of borederline copyright infringement cases."  
  
"R-series?" Gai asked, "Why didn't I hear of them before?"  
  
"The R-series is a set of three robots, each capable of holding their own against fast or tough enemies, but have an added bonus of combining into one ugly, big-assed harbringer of doom," Lamia explained.  
  
"R-1, R-2, and R-3 make up the Super Robot Experimental. A fourth R-unit, the R-GUN, can be thought of as an add-on member - welcome but not necessary. Unlike the R-1, the R-GUN has limited transformation, but is deadly enough for the duration that it does. It transforms into a Personal Trooper-sized gun - note that I didn't say PT-use gun - in order to use the Metal Genocider, which is far deadlier than most PT weapons. In fact, you could say that the transformed R-GUN is the Metal Genocider cannon.  
  
"In short, engaging the 4 R-units fighting as one would be trying to take down a Super Robot with a portable Satellite Cannon," Axel concluded.  
  
Axel looked around, and saw everyone but Lamia snoring. She began to applaud, then said, "I like the sound of your voice. It reminds me of James Bond."   
  
"Which one?"  
  
"Eh? How many James Bonds are there?"  
  
"I forgot. Ask Ian Fleming."  
  
Elsewhere...  
  
"AH-CHOO!"  
  
"AH-CHOO!"  
  
"AH-CHOO!"  
  
Judo looked at the D-Team. "Are you three alright?"  
  
"I think so," Light said cautiously. "Ken? Tapp?"  
  
"Somebody was probably using us in a reference," Ken reasoned.  
  
"Well, at least someone remembers us from SRW Advance," Tapp sighed.  
  
A red klaxon flashed to life, cutting whatever comments they all had coming. "Oh, the intermission's over, guys," Judo announced.  
  
"Back to work, then."  
  
Japanese Imperial Theater, 1926  
  
"We're here," Evang announced. Sariko looked around.  
  
"Mmm. Nice place."  
  
"We'll just leave the sword on their doorstep, invisible to all except to Sakura or Ichiro."  
  
"But what if someone trips on it?"  
  
"That's why I have this camera with me, and with an invisibility spell- ow!"  
  
"You're bad!"  
  
"Shhh! I hear someone coming!" Evang quickly threw the invisibility spell over himself and Sariko.  
  
The front doors were thrown open, and Kanna stretched, declaring, "This is such a wonderful winter morning! Not too chilly, some sun, and the snow isn't runny yet! Speaking of runny, that's what I'll do, I'll run for a couple of miles and be back before breakfast. Yah!"  
  
With another full body stretch, Kanna bounded out the door - and tripped down the few steps to the sod. Sariko winced in sympathy.  
  
"That's gotta hurt, right?"  
  
"I bet she's been hurt worse in fighting demon-thingies. Still, that's a rather soft spot, even for a female martial artist."  
  
Kanna groaned as she dusted herself off. "Ow. At least no one saw that, and thank Kami-sama that Sumire wasn't around."  
  
"Kanna? What happened to you?"  
  
"Ohgami-san!"  
  
"I realize your eagerness to be outside after being cooped up the past few days because of the snow and doing nothing but waltz lessons, but do you have to kiss the ground?"  
  
Kanna stood to her full height, towering a good half foot over Ichiro. "I wasn't doing anything of the sort! I-"  
  
"Tripped on something?"  
  
"I'm not about to admit anything of the sort!"  
  
"Huh. No matter, because you tripped over this." Ichiro bent and picked up the burlap sack on the step.  
  
"Eh? That wasn't there before," Kanna wondered aloud.  
  
"So you say." He reached into the sack, felt a hilt, and paused, causing Kanna to take notice. "Ohgami-san, what is it?"  
  
Ichiro pulled it out, revealing the sheathed Arataka, letting the sack fall to the ground unnoticed. He hefted it - it was a sword, at any rate, judging from the weight and balance. His thoughts played along the lines of pulling it out of the sheath and taking a few practice swipes. Should he? After all, what harm could it do?  
  
He gripped the hilt, and slowly freed the blade from the scabbard, a slight ring coming from the metal as it pulled away of its protective confines. The balance was perfect, just as a master-made sword was expected to be; wrapping both hands around the hilt he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and began to go through the motions of the Itto-ryu sword technique.  
  
Kanna watched the man and blade moving as one, cutting down some errant snowflakes that decided at that moment to make the scene more dramatic by falling from their clouds. She was aware of another person being a captive audience to the displat before her. "Great day today, ne, Sakura-chan?"  
  
"Kanna? How were you able to tell that it was me before I even spoke?"  
  
"It's your scent, silly."  
  
"My scent? But I don't wear any perfume!"  
  
"Exactly. Snake-woman's violet cloud would arrive two minutes before her, as with Orihime's scented powders. You don't smell of a child's room, which leaves out Iris-chan, nor of books or oil, like Kohran. Reni and Maria have this very clean, almost holy clean scent about them, though Reni's is more pronounced. And you don't smell of military and starch, not unlike Fujieda-san. That answer your question?"  
  
"Wow, monkey-girl, I never thought I'd hear so livid proof of your lineage. I guess I better think of a new name for you then; calling you monkey-girl would be an honorific, given what I just learned."  
  
Ichiro totally lost himself in the patterns of slashes and hacks, flowing into the final deadly yet deceptively simple movements of the Keito Ragou Ken Ankensatsu. Long vertical slash, step, step, step, stroke, pause for dramatic photo finish as enemy is cut in half. He held the pose for a few more seconds after finishing the whole kata, letting his breathing return to normal. It was then that he heard the sound of clapping.  
  
Such inattention to the surroundings was stupid; even the best sword technique, if the user is unaware of what was happening around him, does not guarantee victory. Feeling his cheeks heat up from annoyance at that particular error of his, he turned to see where the applause was coming from. His eyes bulged as majority of the Hanagumi was hanging around the doorstep - how much had they seen? Feeling sheepish, he sketched a shaky bow, causing the young women to laugh.  
  
"Was that your version of early morning Japanese calisthenics, Ohgami-san?" Orihime asked, raising an elegant eyebrow and smiling a bit at him. "Strange, I thought Cherry-san here would be the one to go for swordplay before breakfast, but you..."  
  
"Were you expecting me to be still abed?"  
  
"Well, it is winter and you being an old man and all..."  
  
Ichiro made a face and started for the group, blade still unsheathed, causing temporary panic among the women. He realized his mistake and slid the sword back in its scabbard, whereupon Sakura noted, "That sheath looks familiar."  
  
She looked at the sword strapped to her waist. Yep, it was the same scabbard, same number of doodads and nicks. "Eh? How could this be?"  
  
Evang, seeing the possible weirdness this could entail, decided to step in. Motioning for Sariko to remain hidden, he adjusted his cloak and made his presence known. "Why, it's simple - one of the swords is a fake, or just a very good copy of the real Arataka."  
  
"EVANG-SAN!" exclaimed the group.  
  
Sakura recovered quickly. "What do you mean, one of these is fake?"  
  
"Like, what else could I mean? One of these is a demon-cutting tool, while the other one is just a pointy wall ornament."  
  
"And you know this because?" Orihime asked, suspicious.  
  
"I had the real Arataka with me for quite a while, cleansing it from all the demonic residue it had acquired through all the battles it's been in. Of course I know which one is real. In fact, you can even ask Sakura-san here what happened one fine day when she tried to demolish a city with it."  
  
To the Hanagumi's amazament, Sakura flushed a little, lending credence to Evang's claim. "I wish I could forget about that... incident."  
  
"I wish I won't," Ichiro quipped, then realized it was the wrong thing to say. Unfortunately, everyone else noticed, and being ignorant of the details of the said incident, demanded to be enlightened immediately. "Now is not the time and place for that," Ichito began, "And it's up to Sakura whether she wants to talk about it or not. I'll respect her decision."  
  
Amid dire mutterings of getting the truth out sooner or later, Evang cleared his throat. "Ah, can we get back to the topic of the real Arataka?"  
  
"You were saying something about one of these being fake?" Maria prodded.  
  
"Oh. Okay, have at thee." Evang pulled of the fastest Demon Summoning I spell ever in the face of fantasy history, calling forth a low level Shikima denizen. "This little bugger can only be harmed by powered attacks - normal steel won't do. Guess what you have to do?"  
  
"Get the hell out of here?" Sumire suggested.  
  
"Huh? Why?" Maria asked.  
  
"Maria-san! Just in case you didn't notice, that's a SHIKIMA over there! Hello?!"  
  
"I figured either Sakura or Ohgami-san would take care of it for us."  
  
Orihime fired an energy blast at the creature, who quickly ducked, leaving its surprised summoner in the line of fire. Evang took it full in the face and was sent tumbling backward.  
  
"Oh my gosh, Orihime, you killed him!" Kanna cried out.  
  
"Wouldn't be a big loss if I did. Besides, aren't authors unkillable?"  
  
Sariko didn't seem to believe that, and moved from the invisible patch of ground she was standing on to rush to Evang's side. "Don't die, please?"  
  
Evang groaned, "I didn't know the Hanagumi had moved from ryoushi crystals to Getter cores."  
  
Meanwhile, the Shikima, driven by base instincts immediately went after Sumire. It leapt this way and that, dodging Orihime's blasts and heading for Sumire simultaneously. "Il demonio e molto rapido! Dios! Rimani!" Orihime cursed.  
  
Sakura and Ichiro waited for the Shikima to pounce again, and when it did they both rushed to intercept it.  
  
"Haja Kensei-!" Sakura cut short her attack sequence, feeling that the power would not come forth from her blade. "Impossible!"   
  
Making a leap of his own, Ichiro brought the Arataka down on the Shikima's neck. "KEITO RAGOOOU KEEEEEEEEENN!!!"  
  
"Scratch one Shikima," Maria noted.  
  
"I'd rather not," Kanna quipped, watching as the detached Shikima head rolled to a stop at her feet, trailing ichor.  
  
Ichiro whipped the sword twice to shake off any blood, and was sheathing the blade when Sumire glomped him. "Shuii-san, you saved me! I shall of course be glad to repay your bravery. Ask anything of me, and I'll give it gladly," she declared with a lascivious wink that not even Sakura could miss.  
  
"ANYTHING?!?!" Maria, Orihime, and Kanna chorused.  
  
"Anything, Sumire?" Ichiro asked in a husky, and seldom used, whisper.  
  
"Anything for you, Shu- ITAI!!!" Sumire broke off with a gasp of pain. She and Ichiro spun to face the cause.  
  
Evang blinked. "Ne, Sariko?"  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Did I just see Sakura poke Sumire in the buns with the tip of a sword?"  
  
"I'm afraid so."  
  
"Let go of that man, you little hussy! Go play with someone your own age! And you! Aren't you ashamed or robbing the cradle!?" Sakura roared.  
  
"LITTLE HUSSY?! Who are you calling little, you flat-chested old woman!?" Sumire roared back.  
  
Amidst the hurled accusations, glaring eyes, and bared fangs, Ichiro shrank and kept real quiet and unobtrusively took the sword out of Sakura's hands. Sakura let it go without a second thought, more than willing to settle this with her fists.  
  
"Evang-san? Are things always like this, here?" Sariko asked.  
  
"Yeah, I think so. We can go home now, since things seem to be normal here."  
  
"It looks like a circus. Sounds like one too," Sariko noted, as the usual chase began - Ichiro running for cover, Sumire running after him and away from Sakura, Sakura wanting to rip both of them apart with her bare hands, and the rest following just to make sure Sakura doesn't actually succeed in her bloodthirsty plans.  
  
Evang took out his Pocketbook of Town Portal (TM), tore a page and threw it to the ground. A blue, rounded portal of light appeared. "Well, are you going in or not?"  
  
"I'm going."  
  
EOF Yay tapos na! 


	10. Spacebar Second Stage X

SpaceBar Second Stage: Episode 10 - The Sky Is Falling

A Jemu Nekketsu Fanfic

DISCLAIMER: All standard disclaimers apply.

"Why the sudden burst of lemons, Mr. Nekketsu?"

Jemu looked at the reporter. He was a representative of the species – perfect hair, perfect teeth, and even perfect attire. "Well, Al, it was a phase I was going through. I realize that the quality of my work had been going to the trash, so to speak, so why not go all the way trashy?"

The interview had been over hours ago, yet those words still rang in his head. He sighed. Evang, his sidekick / clone (who had recently taken to wearing all sorts of funny masks that didn't really hide who he was) heard him and raised an eyebrow at him, not saying anything.

"Where's your significant other?" Jemu asked.

"She's seeing to settling the new inhabitants of the DCA, along with Ayame. Maybe they're having an impromptu tea party, or whatever it is women do to welcome newcomers," the masked man replied.

In a series of unexpected events, Evang had ended up taking Sariko, a human-turned-demoness, as his lifelong mate. What was unusual was that she almost killed him once, and when he had recovered from the wounds she inflicted he set out to hunt her down and bring her to heel.

Up till now, Jemu had no idea of what had happened once his irate clone had caught up with is prey. He figured Evang and Sariko had a massive drag-out knockdown brawl which Evang came out of victorious. Though Sariko was highly supernatural – she was a young woman during the Second World War before she turned into a demoness – Evang was a student of arcane lore. Though he was an anachronism, Jemu admitted that were it not for his magical skills, they would have died a long time ago.

"What was that?" Jemu belatedly realized that Evang was asking him something.

"Shouldn't you be calling those four idiots back? I'm betting those battery-powered Gundams are running low by now."

"I guess you're right." Picking up a communicator mouthpiece, Jemu spoke into it. "Attention, Aestivalis rip-off Gundams. Enter the hangar doors I am opening now. Your operation time is up, and I'm sure you don't want to be sitting ducks when something wicked comes this way."

"Why isn't Gai's Aestivalis running out of energy?" Nicol wanted to know.

"That's because they've installed a Gekiga Wave Emitter on the SpaceBar, just for me!" Gai answered, chuckling gleefully.

"Gekiga – Wave?" Mwu asked, bewildered. "First time I ever heard of it."

"You'll have to forgive Gai – he sees the world in terms of old school super robot animé. What he meant was that the station has a gravity wave emitter, among other esoteric technologies, thanks to Jemu-san," Tsukumo explained.

"I hate to interrupt the science lecture, people, but I've got several unidentified bogeys inbound on our location, and moving real fast!" Kaji cut in over the commlink.

"Speak of the devil," Evang remarked.

"Does this happen often?" Nicol asked.

"Well, it's not unheard of for SpaceBar episodes to begin with a battle," Jemu offered.

"Now who's seeing the world like animé?" Gai muttered, swinging his Aestivalis around to cover the retreating Gundams.

"They've fired a couple of shots!" Kaji announced. "They appear to be unguided, but they're going to hit the SpaceBar if unchecked!"

"I'll take care of them! Shiratori-san, get those Aestivalis rip-offs to safety!" Gai called out.

"Understood. Take care, Gai. Nicol, Mwu, fly close and tight, so I can cover you with my distortion field and my armor."

"Roger that. C'mon, boy, let's not die a second time," Mwu maneuvered the Aile Strike Gundam close to Nicol's Blitz.

Gai flew to the edge of the SpaceBar's gravity wave field, and waited for the missiles to come within melee range. He didn't have to wait long, and soon he had visual contact on his targets. "What the heck!"

"What is it Gai?" Kaji asked.

"Transferring visual of targets now!"

Inside the command room of the SpaceBar, the Main Lounge, Kaji, Jemu, and Evang gaped at the projectiles. "Aren't those - ?" Evang began.

"Drill Pressure Punches? Screw Crasher Punches?" Jemu finished for him.

"What are you, living in some 70's or 80's super robot show?" Kaji asked.

"I believe that joke has been used already," Jemu snapped.

"So we make it into a running gag. Isn't that how you guys operate?" Kaji asked irreverently. "Gai, take care of those two things."

"Watch me! GEKIGAN SWORD!" Gai cried out, pulling out his Aesti's Immediate Knife and rushing headlong into one of the flying fists' path. He activated his distortion field and slashed at the nearest projectile. He was successful in deflecting it such that it would no longer hit the SpaceBar, but… "No! My Gekigan Sword is broken!"

"That's bad news. Kaji, raise the barrier!" Jemu ordered.

"Barrier? What barrier?" Kaji asked.

"We don't have a barrier?" Jemu was surprised.

"If you'll recall, I created the barrier that prevented us from dying once," Evang offered. "Can't do it in the nick of time though."

"Gai! Can you chase down the remaining punch and hit it with your Field Lancer?" Tsukumo asked.

"I'll try! GEKIGAN SHOOT!" Gai blasted off, Field Lancer held in both hands.

"Shiratori-san, he's not going to make it. It's up to you," Kaji announced.

"Understood. You two, go on in." Turning around, Tsukumo raised his Daitetsujin's arms and shouted the voice command, "Rocket Punch!" His unit's arms flew off, aimed to intercept the streaking enemy projectile. With a shower of sparks, the three arms met, and the spinning one was sent arcing back to its owner. "Control, my arms seem to be dead in the water."

"I see you've been disarmed so easily," Evang quipped.

Meanwhile, at the Dead Characters Apartments, or the DCA, the women were indeed having a tea party. Well, it wasn't much of a party, there being only four of them, but tea was flowing freely. Ayame and Sariko were presiding. The new tenants were women on board the fallen Dominion, Natarle Badgiruel and Fllay Allster.

"So, how does it feel to be alive again?" Ayame asked them.

"It sure beats being dead," Fllay quipped.

"Is it true that not only dead people, but also destroyed units eventually find their way here?" Natarle asked.

"Yes, indeed. Why, even as we speak," Sariko gestured, and a portion of the wall slid open to reveal a monitor. "BOS? Give us a roving camera in the hangar, if you please."

"Yes, mistress," BOS answered over the intercom, startling the newcomers. The monitor flickered to life, passing over bays empty and occupied.

"Hey, isn't that the Strike? And there's the Blitz, too!" Natarle pointed at the screen, not believing her eyes.

"Yes, that is Kira's Gundam, isn't it? Does that mean he's dead too?" Fllay asked hopefully.

"I regret to inform you that you are the only expected new arrivals, along with Misters La Flaga and Amarfi," BOS replied.

Fllay sighed. "I guess he's probably boinking that pink-haired bitch."

Natarle looked pointedly at Fllay's hair and said nothing.

"Maybe he has a pink fetish," BOS deadpanned.

"Enemies are in Ion Cannon range," Kaji announced.

"Is everybody okay down there?" Jemu asked the people in the hangar.

"We're alright, Commander," Tsukumo replied with a salute.

"You're not in the army anymore, Shiratori-san," Evang reminded him.

"I've finished analyzing the units, sir. I have info on 3 out of the 4 targets. One of them is and EG-X Soulgain, the other is an ASK Custom Ash Saver, and the third is an RG Custom Laz Angriff. The fourth one is not in our databanks sir, but is seems that its construction is based on a Tesla Reich design."

"A Grungast? You're telling me we're being attacked by a Grungast and a bowl of weird-flavored alphabet soup?" Jemu asked.

"I don't think they appreciate that joke, Jemu. They've just fired again! Four flying fists, multiple energy bursts, and large caliber artillery!"

"How large?" Evang asked.

"BOS says it's the one used to blow up dropships while in re-entry," Kaji replied.

"And why isn't BOS in the bridge with us?" Jemu wanted to know.

"Seems he's gotten tangled up in a tea party, boss-man. We still have enemy crap coming our way, sir," Kaji slipped.

"Give me a defensive multi-missile strike to filter out the rocket punches and the artillery shell, Kaji."

"What about the energy beams?"

"We'll just have to tank it. This is bridge to hangar. Somebody pick up!"

"We hear you, Chief," Tsukumo replied.

"Shiratori, take Gai and – hmm, Mwu and get into the Better Machines. Be prepared to sortie under fire."

"You got it, sir. You heard the man, Gai; get Mwu into Kaji's Better Machine."

"Yossha! Finally! We get to use the - " Gai never got to finish his sentence.

"You can exclaim later. Move, people! Nicol, you're on standby, and prepare to support once your Blitz is ready."

"Understood," the young Coordinator replied.

"There she blows!" Evang announced. Explosions filled the screen of the bridge, followed by blinding light as the energy beams cut through the cloud of debris and gas and ripped into the SpaceBar's hull. The lights blinked.

"What was that?" Ayame asked BOS.

"We are under attack. Mistress Sariko, please head to the Main Lounge. The rest of you, please go as well," BOS said.

"You don't have to tell us twice," Natarle said, ushering Fllay out of the door.

"I only said it once," BOS protested.

"It was a figure of speech," Natarle explained.

A loud voice was suddenly boomed all over the SpaceBar, echoing through the rooms and corridors, causing them to shake.

** "GIVE IT BACK!"**

"Did he just say 'give it back'?" Kaji asked.

"I heard it clear. Didn't you, Fllay?" Natarle asked the girl. Fllay nodded.

"You're the newcomers, right? I'm Kaji. Welcome to the SpaceBar, and on behalf of everyone, I'm sorry that this had to happen on your first outing here."

"Better Machines prepare for launch! Open the gate!" Jemu shouted.

The hangar blast doors opened, and the three Better Machines were catapulted out, their sleek aerodynamic forms meeting no problems in zero gravity. "So, I fly this thing like a Mobile Armor, then?" Mwu asked, studying Better Jaguar's console.

"Close enough, though you'll notice two conspicuous buttons on your console. The red one is tells your unit to change into combat mode, while the blue one puts it in Gattai mode," Jemu explained.

"Gattai mode?" Mwu asked, confused. "Does that mean…?"

"Shiratori-san, we need some time to get the station defenses online. For that, we need the enemies to not fire at us," Kaji said to Tsukumo over the comm.

"Understood. Gai, Mwu did you catch that?" Tsukumo asked the other pilots.

"Yatta! It's time, it's time – nani? They're firing at us!" Gai bit off.

Back at the Main Lounge, which had now transformed into a war room or a tactical bridge, Natarle was sneakily sliding herself into the 2nd-in-command's chair when Ayame rounded on her. "Just what do you think you're doing?" the brunette demanded.

"I- ah, I was getting tired standing up, and it was the nearest seat, so I…" Natarle dissembled. Meanwhile, Fllay asked Kaji, "Is it okay if I took this seat?" indicating the seat next to his.

"Only if you'll do the part. That seat is for the tactical information officer, who does everything from observing enemy movements to monitoring the status of our friendlies. Are you up to it?"

"It doesn't come with a button that shoots a gravity blast when I press it?" Fllay wondered aloud.

"I'm afraid not. That would be for the Sergeant-at-arms console, over there," Kaji pointed to the position slightly set off below the Commander's chair.

Fllay was torn. She was more comfortable with the idea of just looking at things and calling out, but the chance to hit that little coordinator with a gravity blast was too appealing. However, matters were taken out of her hands when Ayame changed into her dominatrix / demoness outfit and forced Natarle to yield the 1st mate's seat and settle for the gunner position instead. Sighing, she slid in beside Kaji.

Outside, the Better machines were weaving out of danger like Newtype aces, barely able to slow down the approach of the Soulgain and the modified Grungast. The ASK and RG customs were content to spray them with fire from a distance.

"Can I call it out this time?" Gai wheedled Tsukumo. Tsukumo sighed.

"You already did so last time, but it's beneath Mwu's or my dignity, so I guess we're stuck with you."

"What're you two talking about? What's beneath my dignity?" Mwu wanted to know.

"We're entering Gattai mode, Mwu. Command, this is Eagle. We're going to give these attackers a sight so horrible they'll wish they never came here in the first place."

"Understood. Kaji, raise the screens," Evang ordered.

"Sorry, dude, the last time we did this, the protective screens gave up from the horror. It's down to personal protection," Kaji replied, brandishing a pair of MIB-style glasses.

"Lucky for me this nifty mask has been modified for such an occasion," Evang bragged.

"You look like an idiot wearing it, though," Sariko smirked.

"Look, if you want to watch them perform that ineffable feat of mockery in front of your own naked eyes, be my guest. Don't blame me if your brain starts to crawl down your nose."

"This is Nicol to bridge. My Blitz is finished recharging."

"Good to hear that. Get in your cockpit and stand by, and for your sake do not turn on your visual sensors until I say so, got it?" Jemu asked.

"Sounds weird, but I can comply with that."

"Alright, boys and girls, peek at your own risk. Fllay, patch me through all the communication lines in this battle," Evang asked.

"Done."

"Good girl. Ahem. Attention unknown attackers. You are in violation of Antarctic Treaty Clause 3, Section 16, which states that you do not attack us unless you want it really bad. I am giving you one final opportunity to cease your attack and escape this sector whole. What is your response?"

A face appeared on the main screen, a man with white hair and a red and blue face mask, somewhat similar to Evang's. "You low-life thieving scum! I am the Sword of Magus, and that is my mask! **GIVE IT BACK!"**

"That's the pilot of the Grungast," Fllay informed the bridge.

Another face, this time a red-haired woman wearing a coronet of some sort, appeared as well. "We claim this station and all within it in the name of the Shadow Mirror – hmm, this feels rather familiar."

"That's the ASK pilot," Fllay announced.

"She looks hot," Kaji remarked.

"Men," Natarle huffed, disgusted.

"I mean, hair that long has to be hot, right?" Kaji insisted.

"She does look awfully familiar," Jemu began.

A second man's face appeared on screen. "Jeez, what is it with masks and weirdoes?" He had a patently fakeblonde wig, and wide black sunglasses. "Hey, Echidna, deliver my speech for them, will ya? I don't feel inclined to do so."

A fourth face popped up, female this time, with short pink hair cut in what could have been termed as a chic, no-nonsense hairdo. "Our main objective is your station. We are willing to duel with anyone of your defenders for possession of this base should you decide to take the intelligent approach."

"But the more intelligent approach would be to turn tail and run," the man in shades added helpfully.

"And if you give back my mask, I might spare you the wrath of Magus!" the first man roared.

"Wodan, I swear, if you go on about your mask another time…" the long-haired woman warned.

"The weirdo in the blonde wig is in that huge blue thing with the mustache, and the other woman is in the red tin can," Fllay informed the crew.

"Pretty friendly bunch, eh? A regular, chummy team of four," Kaji quipped.

"Commander, I'm getting weird readings from the Grungast. Take a look." Jemu came over to Fllay's console.

"Ah, jeez, no. Not those!"

"What is it, Jemu?"

"Machine cells, Evang, of all the tough luck, can we get any unluckier or what?"

"So that means there are two regenerating fat-asses out there?"

"That about sums it up nicely, yes."

"Huh. Let's see them regenerate this! Gai! It's showtime!" Evang shouted. Jemu cried out at the same time, "Nobody look!"

Gai whooped, and hit the play button on his walkman, causing Ichiro Mizuki to begin singing, "Aoi BOTAN no shiteru ka, Akai BOTAN no, shiteru ka! Tatakae ima da sono toki da! Sora wo miro hasshin GO byou made! Uchuu SUPESU NANBA 1! Sengoku majin NANBA 1!" He then hit the blue button on his console and called out to his two companions, "Blue button pushed! LET'S GEKIGA-IN!"

"GEKIGA-----IN!" Tsukumo shouted, sounding unhappy and venting it out by yelling the today's command phrase, pressing the blue button on his console as well.

"GEKIGA IN!" Mwu's own exhortation sounded unsure, unsure of the sanity of his decision, or of his owneither.

Mixed stock footage of Getter Robo combination sequences and the hot, newly released SRX Variable Formation to the tune of various riffs from JAM Project and Gekiganger songs filled the empty space. Finally, it came to a merciful end, the dreaded Better Robo standing in front of the Shadow Mirror quartet, ready for battle.

"Oh, the humanity!" cried out Wodan. He was trying to find away to scratch his eyes out without tearing his mask off.

"It seems his mask is inferior to mine," Evang gloated.

"Oh my eyes! I knew it was all so familiar, but did I do anything about it? Nooooo! Lemon no baka! Baka baka baka baka!"

"Ouch! What the fuck was that? It feels like I stuck my head into an oven, and blew the oven up with plastic explosives!"

"Commander Axe- ah, I mean, Lieutenant Axminster, are you alright?" Echidna asked.

"Of course I'm not alright! Don't just stand there, get them!" the blonde in shades cried out.

Jemu teleported himself into the hangar with BOS's help. "I'm going out with Nicol to support them in the Wild Ritter," he spoke to his wrist communicator.

Fllay checked, then replied. "Wild Ritter, Blitz, you are clear for take-off!"

"Nicol Amarfi, Blitz Gundam, ike!"

"Wild Ritter, go!" Jemu flew out after the Coordinator boy.

The Soulgain and the Machine Cell-infested Grungast proved to be too much for the Better Robo to handle (despite the Better Robo resembling the SRX and Getter Robo, it was way too far in terms of performance)– having a Gundam pilot in a Super Robot didn't help much either. Slowly, despite the Better team's efforts, they were pushed back, closer to the SpaceBar. Soon enough, they were fighting on it.

"Your plans aren't working, Mwu! Remember, we're much bigger than what you're used to pilot!" Tsukumo admonished him.

"I don't get it! They're almost as big as we are, but they move a whole lot faster!" Gai complained.

On the flip side, the battle between the smaller units was going well. The Blitz Gundam's Phase Shift Armor was doing a good job of negating the Laz Angriff's attacks. As for the Wild Ritter and the Ash Saver, they were engaged in a dogfight, strafing and blasting all the time. At one point Lemon tried to use the Ash Saver's Sword Breaker remote guided weapons, but Jemu simply brought the Wild Ritter's Vulcans and the Ochstan Rifle to bear and blew the bits away. She then contented herself with trading fire with her Gun Rapier and her Halberd Launcher. Nicol, being the sneaky little opportunist that he was, took potshots at the Ash Saver as well – when Echidna wasn't aiming her huge shoulder cannon at him.

"We're getting hammered!" Mwu called out to the Spacebar.

Ayame caught Natarle's eye. "Um, got any ideas? I must admit I'm not used to orchestrating battles in space."

"Trade seats with me," Natarle said, and the two women did so.

"Mr. Ryoji," the ex-captain of the Dominion said, "what do we have online, in terms of defensive weapons?"

"We have basic anti-air missiles and anti-mobile suit artillery – none of which would seriously threaten Phase Shift Armor, ma'am. But we have lots of them. And as we speak, BOS is prepping a second multi-missile."

"Pass battery fire control to Ayame-san. Aim for the heads of the enemy units – I'm betting that they can't hit what they can't see. Ms. Allster, put me through the Better Robo."

"Yes, bridge? NGAAAHHH!" Tsukumo groaned as a bolt of energy from the infested Grungast hit the Better Robo.

"Better Team, disengage your connection and fight as three separate units when we give you the opportunity, is that understood?"

"You can't guess how I've waited to hear that," Mwu muttered.

"Ayame, fire!" Natarle barked.

"Te!" Ayame cried, pressing the fire button. Missiles streaked out of hidden bays, creating a lively Itano circus, while 120mm guns swung out of their fairings and fired continuously at the Soulgain and the Grungast.

"Gai, Mwu, hit the red button on your consoles and scream the voice command, 'GEKIGA OUT!'" Tsukumo ordered his teammates.

"Do I really have to scream?" Mwu complained.

"Yes you do! The voice command is there so we don't accidentally disengage is we hit the wrong button!" Gai explained. "GEKIGA---- OUT!" he cried, pressing the red button, ordering the Better Bear to break away from its partners and to fight solo.

Tsukumo and Mwu followed suit. The three of them whizzed away, noticing the faded colors of the Blitz Gundam retreating, the Laz Angriff chasing it and shooting grappling lines as it went.

The cannon barrage continued, and the missiles never stopped coming. "Blast it!" the blonde swore, "Echidna! Do something useful with that walking tank of yours and silence these guns! It's breaking our concentration!"

A little distance from the Soulgain, the Grungast pulled a sword hilt out of its shoulder, and produced a gargantuan sword. "ZANKANTOU!" Wodan cried out, swinging the enormous blade, destroying an entire volley of missiles. That didn't stop the artillery, though.

"Wodan! Conserve your energy!" Lemon called out, dodging a barrage of attacks from the Wild Ritter's Ochstan Rifle.

"Why should I, when there is no foe worthy enough to spend it on?" Wodan shouted back.

Echidna stopped some distance behind the Soulgain and the Grungast, so that the defenses wouldn't target her. Unfortunately for the SpaceBar's defenses, she could acquire them through the smoke and debris while staying out of their sensor range. "Clear out," she said to Wodan and Axe—um, Axminster. "Phalanx Missiles, fire!"

"We have multiple heat signatures inbound!" Fllay announced, panic in her voice.

"Counter-battery!" Natarle shouted.

"No good! The batteries will blow up if we push them one more time, and we'll be left sitting ducks!" Ayame said.

"We might be able to destroy some of them with an ion cannon burst," Kaji suggested, "But the beam isn't very wide – mainly because it's used to snipe the bridges of enemy battleships."

"Do it, Mr. Ryoji!"

A blue lance of energy shot out from the SpaceBar, causing the combatants to pause. Echidna noted its trajectory – the blast was aimed at her, the dozen or so missiles it destroyed were merely collateral damage. She knew this day would come, that the Laz Angriff might not be tough enough, knew that it wasn't fast enough, to let her escape. She closed her eyes and waited for the loss of consciousness that was said to come with death.

It never came. While everyone was watching the beam and the missiles move in slow motion toward their targets, Axel took quick stock of the situation and darted, like a blue comet, right into the path of the ion beam. At the last second, he spun and crossed the Soulgain's arms in front of its face and tried to block it. It was like watching a man block the spray from a fire hose. He was pushed back, back, and the armor on the Soulgain's arms began to fuse with the joints and underlying structure, and suddenly the beam was cut off.

Even the crew in the Main Lounge could see the smoke wafting from the partly ionized unit, forming a misty cloud around it. They could scarcely believe something withstood that. They thought they were dreaming, but the explosions that rocked the Main Lounge and the alarms going off told them it was real.

"Damage report?" Natarle asked shakily.

"We've lost 40 hull integrity, and 20 internal integrity. We've got fires springing all over, and BOS has gone offline to deal with them," Kaji reported.

"This can't go on anymore," Evang finally spoke after a long time. "Sariko, come with me to the hangar. Natarle, you're in charge while I'm gone."

"What are you – you're going to sortie?" Kaji asked. "And Sariko too?"

"We have to press advantage now. Look, Nicol's Blitz is still resting, and one of them bad guys has a nasty case of sunburn. Pass the word to pick on that blue mustache robot," Evang replied. "Sariko, you'll take the Hellscythe Huckebein, and support me in the Zeta Huckebein. Wish us luck, people, we wish you the same."

While this was going on, the blonde in shades was berating Echidna. "I don't want to catch you sleeping in the battlefield, understand? What were you thinking? Fire, break off, reposition or take cover, then take aim again! Don't they teach you combat chobits anything in basic training?"

"If she is as worthless as you say, then you should not have saved her," Wodan chirped in.

"W15 is right, Commander," Echidna said. The blonde noticed her slip but let it pass. "Your Soulgain has weakened to the point of danger – and the enemy has launched two more units into battle. They might be thinking of attacking you, in your state – this is my entire fault…"

"Shut up! Not another word from you! Echidna, why don't you go back to Lemon, and help her out with that gunslinger she's tangled with? You've done your job by silencing those defenses – good shooting, that – and I know you're almost out of ammo so stay back and play support, and don't get in my way."

"You're not thinking of going back there, are you Commander? In your condition…" the pink-haired woman insisted.

"After this battle, I am afraid I will have to discipline and punish you, Echidna, and Lemon's protests be damned. You have your orders, now move!" the blonde finished.

"You do not have to prove anything to me, Commander," Wodan began, "Allow me to handle all of them – after all, my mettle has yet to be tested in this battle."

"W15, if you know what is good for you, you will stay out of my way."

The Better team, who really should have known better, had pulled out their close combat weapons (for they were low on ammunition and energy) and with the two fresh Huckebeins swarmed around the Soulgain, dutifully ignoring the infested Grungast.

"Shield Assault Buster!" Sariko cried, sending her bladed shield flying at the Soulgain's head, intent on decapitating it. This the Soulgain dodged with ease, only to be set upon with swords made of energy and cold metal. And coming from the rear, the Zeta Huckebein transformed into Flight Mode, fired all its guns while advancing, then closed all its weapon bays as an energy fieldsurrounded it in an attempt to ram _through _it. They repeated this pattern, being broken only when the infested Grungast moved to follow the blonde commander's order: "What are you waiting for, W15? Use your Thrudgelmir to attack their command center while they all focus on me!"

"Commander, you must not take such risks!" Echidna admonished him. With a press of the trigger, she fired some missiles at the Wild Ritter, at the same time that Lemon resorted to her Sword Breaker once more. The Wild Ritter spun quickly with its plasma cutter and vulcans, but the combined barrage was too much and Jemu had to flee for his life. "Screw this, bitches, I'm going home," were his parting words.

"Sariko, leave those finish the Soulgain off with these three, I'll try to distract the zankantou robot." Evang, still in Flight Mode, let loose with another moving barrage and ram attempt. "You shall not pass!" he sent to the Thrudgelmir's pilot.

"YOU! Master of Mockery! **GIVE IT BACK!**" Wodan cried out, parrying the attacks with his zankantou, which came out of nowhere. Forced back, the Zeta Huckebein spun wildly out of control.

"Multiple heat signatures detected again!" Fllay said to everyone on the SpaceBar's side.

"The point defense lasers aren't up yet!" Kaji protested.

"The ASK custom is launching more remote weapons! I think they're going for the Better team and the Hellscythe!" Fllay announced.

"The Grungast is resuming course towards us and is firing its drill rocket punches," Ayame announced, "Should I fire the multi-missile at it now?"

"Do it!" Natarle agreed.

Lots of explosions went of at once – when everything cleared, the Better team was retreating, the Ash Saver and Laz Angriff in pursuit. The Thrudgelmir was charging with its zankantou out, though looking the worse for wear. The Soulgain was in a better condition now, and was heading for the SpaceBar as well.

"Only a miracle could save us now," Sariko muttered. Her Hellscythe was moving slowly, as if low on energy, which it was. Evang decided to tow her Huckebein back, watching grimly as the point defense lasers was deflected by the heavier units' armor, and dissipated by some sort of barrier on the smaller ones.

"Kiseki wa okoru yo, nando demo?" Evang asked himself.

Fllay noticed something. "There is something very fast moving toward us, and from what I can tell it seems to be a mobile suit."

"Seems to be, Ms. Allster? You're not sure?" Natarle pressed.

"Tolle had more experience with this – I didn't exactly train to be a bridge bunny!"

The thing was very, very fast – it was now in visual range of the SpaceBar, and everyone close to it. "That's – that's the Sazabi!" Jemu cried out in recognition. "Then that must be – riding in the cockpit is.."

** "YAMERO!" **blared out of the speakers, all the speakers on all consoles. "What a bunch of rotten bastards you are! I shall sue you all for copyright infringement, unless you all **give it back!**"

"Who do you think you are, stealing my lines? A master swordsman turned potter, living under an assumed name, who took up the sword once more just to impress the women?" Wodan demanded.

An angry Char Aznabel appeared on Wodan's comm. "You assume too much, and know too much! Toh!" A swarm of funnels flew from the Sazabi, neatly evading the Thrudgelmir's zankantou, and peppering the monstrosity with Minovsky particle fire. Then the Sazabi itself attacked, delivering a crushing kick to the Thrudgelmir's head, sending it hurtling into the side of the SpaceBar with a crash.

"Holy crap! He took the Thrudgelmir down in one move!" Jemu exclaimed.

"The Better – yeah, right, - team has returned. Only the Hückebeins are out in the field. The Sazabi is going after the Ash Saver now," Fllay announced.

"Should I the Sazabi as friendly for our targeting computers?" Ayame asked.

"Until we can be sure about Char's motives for being here, keep him a neutral," Jemu replied.

Outside, the Sazabi continued its ownage. Lemon foolishly sent her Sword Breakers against Char, only to watch in horror as they were shot down by his funnels. She pulled her laser blade out, but it was too late. Char was on her in a flash, beam sword tomahawk out and hacking. The Ash Saver was disarmed, literally, and was kicked into the side of SpaceBar as well.

"Hey, watch where you're aiming those corpses!" Evang, still wearing his mask, called out to Char.

"You! You're next!" Char cried out, murder in his mono-eye.

"Eeep!" Evang squeaked, firing all thrusters and zipping into the hangar with the Hellscythe in tow, screaming for Jemu, or anyone who could hear to close the blast doors. Deprived of his prey, Char turned the Sazabi around – and his gaze caught the big red thing on the battlefield. If the Laz Angriff could break into a sweat, it would have done so now.

"That color – **MINE**! Don't make me say it twice!" Char roared.

The Laz Angriff lasted only a few more seconds than the Ash Saver, and soon it shared its cousin's fate. Jemu radioed Char, "We really must protest, Mr. Aznabel, this wanton causation of collateral damage is most unbecoming!"

"Yeah, listen to him," the blonde in the shades calling himself Axminster taunted Char over the short-range instant messenger.

"You! Your very presence is a mockery thrice over! Die by my hand!" Char screamed.

"Thrice over? As in three times?" Axminster asked, as if demanding an elaboration. Char obliged, punctuating each word with a beam sword tomahawk blow.

"Strike one, your hair! Strike two, the glasses! And strike three, you amnesiac playboy, but still a womanizer!" With a final giant swing to end his tirade, Char sent the Soulgain right down the hole where the Thrudgelmir was. Wodan could have forced his Thrudgelmir to crawl out, but he got hit by a hurtling Shadow Mirror unit and was forced down again.

** "M- M- M- MONSTER KILL!" **Evang sang out over the IM, still wearing his polarized mask.

"Come out of there and fight like a masked man!" Char challenged Evang.

"Never! I shall hide inside this station, and behind my woman's skirts – ouch!" Evang got a smack on the head from Sariko for his last comment. "What? I'm not crazy enough to fight the Red Comet in a Gundam rip-off! Are you?" he asked Sariko.

"Why you – wait! What is this? The thing you are hiding in! It's…"

"It's a space station. Haven't you seen one before? I'm sure you've dropped bigger stuff, but it…." Jemu was cut off by an irate Evang.

"Don't remind him you idiot!"

Too late. Char's mind already made the connection, 'space station small colony, colony huge bomb to be dropped on earth, colony drop fame, fame chicks.' "Ahahahahaha!" Char laughed over the IM. "Hahahahahaahahahahaahahahahahahahaa!"

BOS suddenly spoke up, "We received an e-mail question just now. Shall I read it, before Char goes on to use us as colony drop fodder?"

Jemu nodded, and BOS read aloud, "Dear Space-bozos, in one of your previous episodes, Axel and Lamia were already part of your gang. How come Axel is an enemy now? Yes, before you ask, your ploy to make Axel wear a blonde wig and glasses wasn't much of a disguise, I think you just made him wear it to piss Char off. Good move! Also, where is Lamia now? And are you going to make those Shadow Mirror clowns and their SRW rip-off machines part of your Space Circus? From, Someguy."

"Regarding Axel, it's what is known in the business as a continuity error. As for Lamia, and the rest of the SRW OG2 cast, they're taking short vacation in Waikiki – Kyosuke wanted to go to Vegas to see bunny girls and to gamble, but Task, Britt, and even Tetsuya convinced him to go Waikiki. They argued that a bunny suit is just a tight, low-cut, black, one-piece swimsuit with a bunny headband, which Excellen would be more than happy to wear for him," Jemu answered.

"Provided they don't force poor Zeora to wear it," Evang added, "And as flagship captain of the Earth Anti-Invasion Group, Tetsuya has a lot of pull, though I think he wanted to see Captain Refina Enfield in swimwear. Heck, he must have wanted to see all the women under his command in swimwear, and so does Kyosuke. Maybe."

"You mean they wanted to see the little princess in her swimming attire as well?" Sariko asked, scandalized. "Why, those bunch of pigs!"

"Nah, I think it was only Zengar who wanted to see Princess Shine in her bathing suit. And in my opinion, Zeora belongs in a cow suit – tight, black and white dappled swimsuit, miniature horns on the headband, and a bell dangling from her neck dwon to her – well, you know. For your final question, yes, _THEY SHALL BE ASSIMILATED,"_ Jemu finished.

"Are you quite done?" Char asked impatiently.

"Uh, I guess," Evang answered.

"Good. Now I can push your little space colony into the atmosphere and watch the world try to shoot you down before you doom them all. And the chicks will love me because I made headlines again! Just like the old days! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone aboard the SpaceBar.

With dread, the SpaceBar crew, and the hapless Shadow Mirror people, watched as the Sazabi began to push the station slowly toward the blue Earth.


	11. Spacebar Second Stage XI

Spacebar Second Stage: Episode 11 – Crash and Burn

A Jemu Nekketsu Fanfic

DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimers apply.

PREVIOUSLY on the SpaceBar: The dastardly Char Aznabel has begun to send our beloved space station into a deadly descent down through the atmosphere. What can the beleaguered crew do?

"Change to re-entry configuration!" Jemu ordered BOS.

"Negative, sir," BOS answered, "We've sustained to much superficial damage, and there are four foreign objects buried in the hull. We could transform even with the surface damage, and let the rest of the external plating ablate during re-entry, but the hull sectors will not move what with those four mecha stuck in it."

"Char, you bastard," Evang said through gritted teeth. "BOS, how fast can you scrounge the hammerspace graveyards for the _Dominion_?"

"Given our current condition, fifteen minutes, at the best."

"And how many minutes before we begin re-entry?"

"Ten."

"Retro-rockets?" Natarle asked.

"Brought off-line by those energy blasts from the Ash Saver's Halberd Launcher."

"Focus the gravity wave beams to create a gravity well sufficient to hold us steady – divert power from the chronosphere if needed be," Jemu ordered.

"Sir! With your permission, the Better Robo will try to push you back up and out of the gravitational field of the earth," Tsukumo suggested.

"Denied. What with you busy with pushing us up, what do you think will happen when Char notices a strange pressure?" Jemu asked him, sliding his gaze over to Mwu, then back to Tsukumo. "I cannot risk losing three of my crew in an instant."

Silence fell on the Main Lounge, broken by BOS's announcement, "Power from the chronosphere has been diverted. Chronosphere is offline. Gravity well created."

"Will it hold us?" Ayame asked.

"By my calculations, if that thing is strong enough to oppose Earth's gravity, it should also prevent the Red Comet from leaving the vicinity as well," Kaji reported.

"That's just great – get blown to bits from our friendly neighborhood psycho, or get burned during re-entry," Evang muttered darkly. Sariko put a hand to his shoulder. "And to top it off, what are we going to do with those four Shadow Mirror clowns?"

"If only the SpaceBar had Machine Cells like the Thrudgelmir, or the bio-energy linkage of the Soulgain, re-entry would be no problem. All we have to do is batten down the hatches, brace for impact, and in less than a day we'll be good as new," Jemu mused.

"Yeah, if we were only Borg, that would be a snap." Evang sighed.

"That's it!" Jemu cried out, startling Fllay. "Assimilation!" He hurried out of his chair.

"What are you up to?" Evang asked.

Jemu ignored him. "BOS, the last time I checked, the Boson artifact and the Radichavel are still in the same room. Are they still?"

"In the Heart of the SpaceBar? Yes, sir. Oh, and Tangram is there for a short visit."

"What's Tangram doing in here?" Evang asked, horrified.

"I called him up for a visit."

"You WHAT!"

"I get lonely, and my correspondence with Tsunami/Sasami isn't enough sometimes. I miss talking guy talk, you know?"

Fllay spoke up. "I understand how you feel, BOS. When I was on the Archangel, everyone was acting like hardcore military otaku – even kids from my age group. I never felt so lonely."

Natarle bit her tongue to keep her comments unaired.

"Where's Commander Jemu?" Kaji asked. Everyone else was surprised at his question, save BOS, who replied, "He's in the Heart."

"The damned fool is going to sit in the Radichavel, link up with the Martian artifact and Tangram to try and assimilate the Shadow Mirror machines," Evang declared.

"How do you know he'll do that? Do you have mental powers?" Mwu asked.

"In a manner of speaking, yes. We're clones, true clones, and are aware of each others' thoughts sometimes. But being clones, we're very much alike, and if I were in his shoes, with no one to cry for his misfortune or loss, that's what I'd do to save this station," Evang finished quietly.

"He's going to die?" Gai asked haltingly.

"He may, or he may not. He may just go mad from the Radichavel because he isn't a Whispered, or be consumed by Machine cells, be absorbed by Tangram or the Boson jump black box, none of which are going to be very pleasant for me. Oh, shit!" Evang cursed, crumpling into a heap.

"What is it?" Sariko asked, helping Evang up from the floor.

"He- he just cut our psychic link – I can't feel him in my head anymore," Evang breathed. "I can't even tell if he's still alive now."

Something was wrong, Jemu thought as he looked at the Martian Artifact-Radichavel amalgam. It was as if something more sinister was in the chamber with him. It was definitely not Tangram that he felt – Tangram's drives were simple, to say the least. Its sole motivation was to survive through any means, and to thrive when the opportunity presented itself. Tangram was also sentient, as far as AIs could be sentient, and had concluded that getting entangled with the other two devices in the Heart of the Spacebar on its own volition would not be favorable. Of course, that was what Jemu intended to do in the Heart, the reason for his visit, but paranoia had gotten the better of him.

He wished he hadn't cut off his psychic link with his clone. He admitted openly that when it came to this supernatural metaphysical stuff like premonitions and feelings of wrongness, Evang was in his element. He preferred to stick with sci-fi mumbo jumbo himself, and his gut was telling him what was in the room with him didn't belong to that category of weirdness. "BOS, how is everything up there?"

He was surprised that BOS could still hear him and reply, "It's working, sir. Char couldn't push us down into the atmosphere, and is having difficulties leaving the area. Kaji has managed to get the point defense lasers up with the Coordinator's help, but as it is the gravity is going to skew them."

"I see. Well, compensating and adapting are supposed to be Coordinator trademarks, so you should be fine. By the way, do you have a lock on me, just in case I need a quick yank-out?"

"I'm trying to get a fix on you sir, but you're so deep into the Spacebar that the hammerspace is starting to mess up my sensors. Coupled with the gravity well we're generating, it's a miracle we could talk at all."

Jemu sighed. "I was afraid of that."

A dark figure rose from the shadows behind the Radichavel. "You'd do better to be afraid of me," it said in a raspy voice.

"Will Char realize what we're doing and attack us for it?" Ayame asked, looking worriedly at the Sazabi through the view screen.

"I think he's realized what's going on, but is in a hurry to get out of here. He's probably scared that we might pull out Amuro from whatever hell he's staying in right now and sic him," Evang mused.

"Sir, what do you propose to do with the four enemy units who have made a home for themselves in the station?" Natarle asked.

"Hmm, that's a biggie. Ms. Allster, can you show us where the four units are at, right now? We need it to plan our next move."

Fllay punched a few buttons on her console, bringing up a holographic map of the Spacebar which showed where the Shadow Mirror mecha hit the station, and where they probably were right then and there.

"What would you suggest, Ms. Fujieda? I must confess I'm out of my depth here. I bow to your superior experience in this matter," Evang said.

Ayame bowed slightly to him. She was experienced in commanding and orchestrating the operation of small units, especially Koubu units. "A search around these areas," she pointed at specific points of the map, "would be the most logical step. Shipwrecked sailors don't stray too far from their vessel, as it might be spotted by rescuers but more importantly some vital material might remain intact or must not be taken – they could have emergency supplies on board their vehicles, or some piece of technology or information; whatever the reason, they will want to stay close, where they can watch over their vehicles without being spotted easily."

"Those are the places I have pointed to in the map. Those are the places we will search first, then the crash sites themselves. Actually, since the four crashed in close proximity of each other – one of them crashed on top of another – we can treat it as just one site, simplifying the operation. For this operation, though, we will need a tactical leader, and in my preference, personal armor. We know the enemy has good pilots, but we don't know if they are good soldiers as well. I'd rather we not suffer unnecessary damage in the process of finding out," Ayame finished.

"You'll watch over the search party, right?" Evang asked. At Ayame's nod, he volunteered. "It's my backyard, after all, and I have a right to see what's what." No one argued with him. "As squad leader, I will handpick my team. Better Team, Kaji, Sariko, we're going to the hangar and shrink some of the Mobile Troopers for our use. Come on."

"Hold on a sec," Ayame said. The six turned to face her. "SUT operations require seven members in the unit. You're one short of the prescribed team."

"Does that matter?" Natarle asked. Ayame gave her a look, one that asked if she had just been born yesterday.

"Of course it does. Point Man, Team Leader, Ranged Suppression, Heavy Support, Demolitions, Medic, and Tail Guard – each of those slots need to be filled. You lose one, your mission is in jeopardy. You lose two, give serious thought to aborting the mission. Lose three, pack up and go home. So, who's your seventh member?"

"That's easy enough," Evang replied. "BOS, Code B-O-S-K-I-L-R!"

A jumble of battlesuit parts and weapons flew in from nowhere, assembling themselves into a humanoid, albeit headless weapon platform. BOS solved that problem by dropping a collection of sensors from the ceiling onto it, which suspiciously looked like a Geshpenst head.

"BOS Killer, ready for action, sir," the newly assembled robot replied.

"Okay, we have our seventh member, now let's see what goodies we have in the hangar," Evang said to Ayame.

"Not so fast. Which positions will each of you take? Decide here and now – it will cut down on deciding which equipment you're going to take," Ayame advised.

"Do I have to assign that as team leader, or do they volunteer for whatever fits best?"

"That's entirely up to you. Keep in mind the various knowledge and experience your teammates have," Ayame replied.

"Okay, then. Mwu, you take point, as you're the Newtype with the premonitions. BOS Killer, you're the heavy weapons guy – literally. Sariko, since I don't want you getting into dangerous close-in shoot-outs, you're going ranged. Gai, you're demolitions – I'm sure you'll love it – and Tsukumo, since you're very trustworthy, you'll guard the rear. Kaji, since you aren't a fighter, you'll play doctor. Any objections or suggestions? None? That's it, I guess."

Ayame finally relented, and the six went off to the hangar. BOS was left to go over details with Ayame, since he was a robot and wasn't likely to forget anything, minor or major.

Evang picked a black Geshpenst variant called the Double G Super. Predictably, the Better Team took their respective Better Machines – Mwu with the Schutzwald Commando, Tsukumo with the G-Sword Kai (a Geshpenst with a katana), and Gai with the Wildschwein Mk-III. Kaji was assigned the Neue Eisenwurger, and Sariko was left with the Wild Ritter.

"Right then, we've made our choices. Okay, Nicol, hit the switch," Evang said into the intercom.

"Roger. Initiating micronization process," Nicol replied. He was watching from behind the glass windows of the hangar observation center as the selected Mobile Troopers gradually shrank to human size, creating lots of white steam in the process. Without being asked, he switched on the exhaust fans to get rid of the billowing white stuff.

The smoke cleared, revealing scaled-down versions of the MTs. They were still 3 meters tall, though, roughly a head or two taller then BOS Killer. "Wow, that is super kawaii," Nicol commented. "I wish I could do the same with my Blitz, so it wouldn't consume too much power when I use the phase shift armor."

"You might get your wish – we'll have you and your shrunken Blitz play security guard for Ayame and the others left at the Main Lounge while we go meet our uninvited guests. No sense leaving the command center defenseless, right?" Evang asked, smiling as Nicol's eyes lit up.

A floating communication window popped up, revealing Fllay's face as she delivered her announcement. "We don't know how he did it, but Char Aznabel has managed to attain escape velocity from the gravity well and is leaving the sector."

"We'll pay him back next time. We have more urgent matters to face now. Ah, Fllay, also, tell the others with you not to panic if someone who looks like Nicol cosplaying as his Gundam walks into the Main Lounge and declares himself as your guard."

"C- Cosplay?" Fllay asked, startled.

"Who's there?" Jemu demanded. Already, he was starting to manipulate hammerspace, slowly backing up toward the door so as not to make his intent obvious.

The figure stepped out of the shadows and into the light, and his jaw dropped as he recognized who it was. "Sada-chan?"

"No more. Sada-chan is no more. That name, as well as my past, I have cast aside! I now exist for the sole purpose of bringing you to your knees!"

Somewhere in the depths of the SpaceBar, lying unconscious in the cockpit of a Machine Cell-infested Grungast III, a masked man frowned, as if having a disagreeable dream. Meanwhile, Jemu stood transfixed with reluctant awe (or perhaps common courtesy) as the female in front of him brought her introduction to a close.

"My name is Saaya! Saaya Ogura! The evil that cleaves perverts!" she declared.

Wodan Ymir groaned himself to consciousness, feeling than someone was ripping him off again. Damn rippers-off! If only he could get his Thrudgelmir out from under the Soulgain…

"Uh, are you sure that it's not the pervert that cleaves evil?" Jemu asked.

"Of course it's not! Who'd one to admit that he or she is a pervert?" Saaya demanded.

"Hey don't take my head off, it was an honest question. So, Saaya Ogura, what brings you here? Why did you take Sada-chan's place in the cast & crew? In short, what are you?" Before Saaya could reply, Jemu cut in. "I know! You're supposed to be the shrew I'm supposed to tame and turn into a willing, submissive slave, ready to fulfill all my evil desires!"

"ZANKAN-TOMAHAWK!" A very, very large axe, the one that medieval foot soldiers might have used to cleave castle gates and armored knights open, materialized from nothingness and buried itself into the chamber floor. Saaya grasped the handle with both hands and pulled it free. The crescent moon head gleamed evilly. "Tame this!" she cried, swinging the huge axe diagonally, aiming to slice Jemu from shoulder to the opposite thigh.

Jemu decided to use diplomacy one last time. He hopped back, and spoke. "Look, couldn't we just skip this gratuitous violence and get on with the taming stuff and the evil desire things? I'm not given to violence –I'm a writer, not a fighter."

"Hmm. Well, maybe we can skip the violence part, but only if I get to do the taming on you and perform my evil fantasies as well. I've always wanted some sort of human furniture, you know. So, how about it? I spare your ass, and in turn you spend the rest of your life kissing mine. What do you say?"

"Just your ass? Can't it be your wonderful bosom?"

"Sorry. It's eye for an eye, or in this case ass for an ass. Take it or leave it."

"Um, sorry, but no deal. The way I figure it, I'm better off with the violence bit. Besides, I'm a boob person – not that I have anything against shapely bottoms, but they don't get to me like boobs do."

"Okay then. You want the violence bit? I got your violence, here!" Saaya took another great swing, this time attempting to separate his torso from his waist."

Jemu was running out of options. It wasn't that he didn't know how to fight women – in fact, he knew a most satisfying way to get the upper hand when fighting females – but he didn't want to. Was this how Evang ended up with Sariko? He was pondering this as he pulled out a BFG-40K. "Sure you don't want to be my slave instead? I'll make a kind master, I think."

"No. My mind is made up. One of us is going down once this is through." She raised her zankan-tomahawk for another attack, as Jemu brought the man-portable starship sub-cannon to bear.

"No hard feelings, then." Jemu pulled the trigger, and the business end of the BFG-40K spat out energy similar to a Hyper Tronium Buster cannon. Saaya, suddenly finding herself face to face with a wall of destructive energy, altered her grip on the zankan-tomahawk and spun it like a majorette to use as a shield. The blast hit the spinning shield head-on, and there was an explosion powerful enough to rock the entire station; the roar of the explosion could be heard all throughout.

The man who previously went by the pseudonym Axminster sat up. "Ow, dammit, my head hurts."

"Commander Arma, are you alright, sir?" asked a worried face on his console.

"Huh? Commander Arma? Are you talking to me?" he asked back. Then he laughed. How could a face on an instrument panel answer back? He didn't remember any instrument panel that looked like the one he had in front of him. He was surprised when a second face appeared and spoke. "Axel? How are you holding up?"

"Huh? Now I'm Axel? This – um, she called me Commander Arma, and now I'm supposed to be some guy called Axel too? This is very confusing. Mind telling me who you are?" Now I get it, he thought, this is one of them video-conference thingamajigs. Anyone could barge in anytime and talk. "Say, this is some pretty nifty technology. Really advanced, y'know what I mean?"

The first woman who spoke to him bit her lip, and the second one frowned. "Echidna, I believe we have a serious problem here. Wodan? Are you awake as well?"

"Bloody thieves. I'll get them all, I swear by Magus I will," said a third face, a man this time, wearing a mask.

"We can't worry about that now, W15. Commander Arma has amnesia, it seems," said the second woman, who seemed to be in charge. "We're trapped in enemy HQ, and I don't know what caused that massive explosion we felt a few minutes ago. I don't like this at all."

"Enemy HQ? What's this all about? Who's this amnesiac Commander Arma you keep talking about?" the man formerly known as Axminster asked. "More importantly, is there a john nearby? I need to relieve myself."

"He sounds more senile than amnesiac to me," Wodan muttered, adjusting his mask.

"Pay attention, everyone" the woman in charge said. "What is your name and your designation? Answer!"

"W15, Wodan Ymir. I am the Sword of Magus!"

"W16, Echidna Isaki. Nothing more, nothing less."

They were waiting for him, the man formerly known as Axminster realized. "My name- uh, let's see- ah, it's, it's – argh!"

"We better talk," Echidna said. "Let's head outside, this atmosphere in the cockpit is too stifling."

"We're approaching the crash site, sir. Still no sign of energy sources," BOS Killer reported.

"Acknowledged. Mwu, Sariko, see anything?" Evang asked.

"Evang, Mwu's gone," Sariko replied.

"He's probably just scouting ahead," he replied nonchalantly.

"No, I mean really gone. My Ochstan targeting unit can't pick up any of his signatures."

"Crap." This was bad. "Report in, team."

Evang counted the replies. It was true – Mwu was missing. "What in the hell could have happened?"

"I'm betting it is Fukuda's fault. What with the release of Seed Destiny where they're up against a blonde Newtype ace, who is later revealed as Mwu, that must have yanked him out of the SpaceBar."

Everyone stared at Kaji.

"What? You think that's surprising? You don't know the meaning of the word. The stuff I've seen, the things I've done, now those are amazing."

"So, we've lost our lead scout. Someone inform the Main Lounge of this development. The rest of you, I want the sneakiest, stealth-experienced among you to take up lead scout position," Evang ordered. It was soon decided that Kaji and Tsukumo were the two sneakiest. One snuck on board the Nadesico, and got out alive (as if that was very difficult), while the other was a double agent between two sinister agencies back in life.

"How do we settle this?" Tsukumo asked.

"By using cold, hard logic. Given your track records, we'd rather have you for the medic than Kaji as tail guard. But you don't put repair units out front, so we'll have you and Kaji switch your Mobile Trooper suits."

"Sure. Can you find us a place in this wasteland – because that's what the interior of the SpaceBar reminds me of – where we can shuck these digs and trade?" Kaji grinned.

"It reminds me of a massive ventilation shaft where wiring is also run," Tsukumo offered.

"And the dust is terrible," Sariko complained.

"Meh. We'll have to make temporary camp here. BOS, assist them with their suits. The rest of us will keep watch. Gai, I want you to set up a defensive perimeter – nothing too fancy, just something that will alert us of anyone approaching." So they went to work.

"Let me get this straight. My name is Axel Arma, this bossy lady Lemon Browning is supposed to be my genius girlfriend, and this guy with the mask, Wodan Ymir, is definitely not crazy. So what does that make you, Echidna?"

"I'm one of your genius girlfriend's creations. You could say I'm a 'doll' she made. Oh, by the way, you also hate 'dolls' and would very much to do cruel, nasty, and painful things to me, out of her sight, of course."

"Ah. About these 'cruel, nasty, and painful things' - "

"Not now, Axel." Lemon shot Echidna a glare. "It is highly probable that this station has sent out a search and recovery party for us and our machines. We cannot let them fall into enemy hands. Therefore we must use Code ATA to prevent this from happening."

"Can't we fight them instead?" Wodan asked.

"Our units can barely move, but the Code ATA system is very much intact. Shadow Mirror machines are like that," Echidna replied.

"We shall activate Code ATA, and destroy all traces of our units," Lemon concluded.

"But my Thrudgelmir does not have Code ATA. Furthermore, it is not a Shadow Mirror machine. The Machine Cells could restore it, given time."

A crazed look entered Lemon's eyes. "There is not enough time! The Thrudgelmir must be destroyed as well! The Soulgain is still lying on top of it, so all we have to do is to bring the Ash Saver and Laz Angriff near it and initiate all three Code ATA systems at once!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Wodan roared, the sound echoing to places far, far away. "I cannot allow it!"

Jemu surveyed the damage his BFG-40K dealt to Saaya and smiled. She was still standing, still in one piece, but her clothes weren't. The long white garment she wore was in tatters, shamelessly exposing a lot of leg and arm. Shreds of the fabric glittered on the chamber's steel floor like a cluster of stars. There were tears and rips in the remainder of the garment that steadfastly clung to her body. The zanakan-tomahawk was unscathed. There was no indication that it had met head on with a force powerful enough to crush an Abrams tank in one hit, not even a whisper of smoke. The dim light in the chamber made the blade gleam dully.

Looking up from the mess of her dress, Saaya saw him smiling and pulled her lips back in a feral grin. "This pervert can sting, it seems. What an interesting turn of events."

"This pervert can do more than sting." Jemu pulled back the charging lever of his gun, and flicked the fire control switch to a different setting. Without warning, he fired at Saaya again.

Expecting the same big blast, Saaya took a flying leap, and was horrified to see a pillar of energy following her flight, tracing her path as she fell. "My, my, somebody is compensating for a little shortcoming, isn't he? That's some sword you got there – are you sure you know how to use it?"

It was, indeed, an oversized plasma cutter, but Jemu wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she was right. With an effort he swung the BFG-40K like a big chainsaw – and felt the shock as Saaya parried the energy blade with her zankan-tomahawk. Them to his horror, she forced the blade down, back toward him, forcing him to retreat as well. His face twisted with exertion, while only a slight tightening of her lips betrayed her effort.

In the next instant, the BFG-40K exploded as the energy it projected was forced back onto it, knocking Jemu backward and sending him sprawling facedown on the floor. Saaya seized this chance and pounced, burying the huge crescent blade into his spine. "I got you now – huh?"

She lifted the axe, and Jemu's body, or rather a log dressed up in Jemu's clothes, came up with it. She reached her hand out to free her stuck weapon, when the log, clothes and all, exploded in a flash.

Jemu looked down, one hand holding a claw-like device that anchored him to the ceiling, a hand-held personal force field projector (also known as a shield gun) in the other. He was looking through the translucent green barrier that the shield gun protected him from the blast with. "Whew, that Naruto boxed set was worth it! Especially the 'How to Create and Customize your Own Jutsus!' So, how do you like my Explosive Log Substitution Technique, Ms. Pervert Cleaver?"

When the smoke and dust cleared, Jemu was delighted to see that Saaya's raiment was now totally nonexistent. She noted his scrutiny, and gasped at her state of undress. Letting go of her zankan-tomahawk, she covered herself as best as she could with her hair, arms, and hands. "H- Hentai! Ecchi! Sukebe!"

He dropped from the ceiling to land in front of Saaya, balancing on the balls of his feet and the knuckles of one hand like a ninja. "That's me, your friendly neighborhood pervert." He raked his gaze over her naked form. "Yummy. It sure looks good enough to eat. Don't mind if I help myself." He noticed her death glare. "What, are you gonna stare at me all day long hoping I'll drop dead?"

"If looks could kill-"

"Yeah, yeah, you've got a killer body, too bad it's not a fatal one. You want a piece of my hide? Go and use that overgrown heat hawk of yours, if you dare."

"What, and give you a free show? Not on your life!"

"I see. So you're going to spend the rest of this episode covering yourself like some naked virgin in front of a leering pervert?"

"Anyone in their right minds would cover up when faced with a leering pervert."

"Touché. But tell me, are you a virgin that you would cover yourself so? My friend told me once that only two types of women cover themselves up in that way - virgins and harlots. Which one are you, I wonder."

"My maidenhood is none of your concern. I'm surprised to hear you have friends though. I thought your kind was the solitary sort."

"You know what they say - no man is an island."

"True, but what makes you think you are among their numbers?"

"You doubt me? You mock me?" He locked gazes with her, letting her see what he saw, her nakedness. "Shall I show you proof that I am indeed a man?" He loosened the buckle of his belt, then removed it entirely. "Do you wish firsthand experience of my manliness?" He shrugged out of his vest and cast it aside, not breaking eye contact with her.

She hastily scuttled back as he took a step toward her, still covering herself. His intent was clear; the demonic gleam in his eyes was evident. "Stay away from me! Touch me and you die!"

He continued his determined approach, stopping when he reached her abandoned zankan-tomahawk, and stooping to grasp the weapon's haft. The scent of burning flesh filled the air, and Jemu hissed in pain, which terminated in an angry roar as he flung his arm back. The huge axe spun through the air, whistling, before it buried itself in the steel-crete wall near the Heart's doors.

He took one look at his singed palm. "Witch," he spat. "I've had enough of your games. Be mine, or die. This is your last chance."

"I'll not be owned by the likes of you - nor by anyone! I'd rather die first!" she cried defiantly. His rejoinder chilled her to the bone, or perhaps it was the long, jagged, barbed spear of bone that Jemu was creating out of thin air.

"Then, die, and be mine."

Q: What the heck? Jemu's also a necromancer? I thought Evang was the magical one!

A: Yes, Jemu IS a necromancer. In case you haven't caught on to it yet, the SpaceBar is basically a massive Spirit Spool (try saying that fast fifteen times), which he uses to draw souls in for his evil purposes.

Q: Then what's with his techno-babble?

A: Necromancy is rather compatible with other spheres of knowledge, but not with other spheres of magic. You won't see Jemu throw fireballs or lightning. If he was inclined, he could be as good a bio-chemist as Evang, but he chose to stick to devices. He's a competent kit-basher.

Q: So this hammerspace thing...

A: Jemu and Evang can control hammerspace in different ways. Evang primarily uses hammerspace to teleport himself without error. Jemu uses hammerspace to pull weird-ass devices and instruments out of hammerspace to him.

Q: But that still leaves a lot of holes!

A: Pipe down, you! Can't you tell author avatars when you see them?

"Holy shit! Aaarrgghh!" Evang cried out as he twisted on his knees, clutching his right arm. Sariko and Kaji were at his side immediately. Gai and Tsukumo looked up in alarm, as did their four tied-up prisoners. BOS Killer swiveled an eye to the back of his head to see what was going on, while the other eye kept watch on the captives.

Captives? What captives, you may ask. Well, while Jemu was trying to get Saaya naked, Evang's hunting party decided not to take chances and sent BOS killer to investigate after Sariko had performed an initial visual sweep. The rest of the party took up mutual fire support positions and monitored BOS Killer's progress as he made his way toward the place where the four machines were lumped together.

Once she saw BOS enter the blast area, Lemon – as crazy as any Browning that ever lived – activated the triple Code ATA sequence and destroyed the Thrudgelmir, and a large chunk of the SpaceBar with it. Miraculously, BOS was merely thrown back, the hull material reasserted itself immediately (making Wodan mutter "Machine Cells? Impossible" while lurking), the only major effect being the loss of the gravity well the SpaceBar was generating to stay afloat, so to speak.

All these things didn't pass by unnoticed by the Main Lounge and its inhabitants. After she, Nicol (still wearing his Blitz powered suit), Ayame, and Natarle had picked themselves up and dusted off, Fllay patched the proper surveillance cameras to display on the main screen. They were treated to a fast and furious melee. Ayame quickly passed popcorn around.

With weapons set to stun, the hunting party opened fire as the two W-series entities and a red-haired hotshot amnesiac (who was rumored to be have survived being punch simultaneously by a Tranzer pilot and a King of Hearts, both Super S-class martial artists) ambushed them from three directions. Lemon, in a rare display of lucidity, decided to hang back, hiding behind some wreckage as the battle raged.

Being part of the W-series, Echidna and Wodan were nearly as tough as Axel was. Wodan also had the advantage of being a Sanger Zonbolt clone, meaning he was a legendary swordsman minus the pedophile tendencies. But while he was able to bat away stun rays and stun grenades with his sword, his companions fell prey to these, being armed with hand-held blasters. (The stun rays, not the grenades – Axel and Echidna were able to shoot them down handily.) Once the hunting party picked up on this fact (after successfully stunning Axel and Echidna), they set their weapons to demolish and fired at Wodan once more. Wodan tried to do the Jedi thing and ended up with a disintegrated sword. A volley of knockout gas grenades spelled his downfall. From there, it was a simple game of hide and seek for Evang and his companions to snag Lemon, and then it was over.

"What's wrong, Evang?" Sariko asked, dropping to her knees beside him.

"It's Jemu – he's trying pull off some major necromantic crap. I can sense it through our link – more importantly the link works perfectly once more."

"Can you ask him to stop whatever he's doing that's causing you pain?" Kaji inquired.

"It's gone now. He's – ah, I think he'll be alright now," Evang finished. Sariko and Kaji looked at him strangely. What he didn't tell them was Jemu was having the time of his life, and that it was taking all of his willpower to keep himself from purring.

Fortunately, he was saved from further explanations by an important announcement. "Main Lounge to capture team. Come in, capture team," Ayame's voice said over the intercom.

Evang nodded to Tsukumo, and Tsukumo responded. "Go ahead, Main Lounge."

"The SpaceBar's gravity wave emitter has been taken out of commission. We suspect it was caused by the self-destruction of the Shadow Mirror machines. As a result, we will be entering the atmosphere in a dramatic fashion soon."

"How soon is soon?" Gai asked the question no one wanted to hear the answer to.

"According to our calculations, twenty minutes."

"With your permission, master, I shall now return to my housekeeping modus operandi and see if anything can be done," BOS Killer intoned. Seeing his master nod, BOS Killer's components flew back into their hammerspace storage places. Up into a ceiling recess went his head.

"It looks like that simultaneous triple ATA wasn't wasted, after all," Lemon gloated as the Three Gunned Men led the prisoners away; the other three remained silent. Kaji expressed his desire to get out of his armor and left, leaving Evang and Sariko alone.

"Let's get out of these things, Sariko, so we can return them to their real sizes," he suggested.

"I'm in agreement with that. So, what do we do after that?"

"How about mad, passionate love in hot tub? Good?"

"What about the catastrophic re-entry? Or interrogating the prisoners? Or checking up on your, um, alter ego?"

"BOS will figure out a way to stop our descent, and Jemu can take care of himself. The prisoners can wait – I can't." He said the last in a husky whisper.

"Well, if you want it that bad, we're all alone now." She batted her lashes coyly.

"Stop – we're still in armor. I don't find mecha sex kinky – I'm not Jemu, you know."

Jemu sneezed once, causing Saaya to look up from the task she was absorbed in. "Is there something wrong, Master?"

"No, someone was just talking about me, I suppose. Carry on, my pretty little slave."

"Yes, Master," she replied happily, and proceeded to get busy once more, causing Jemu to sigh. He wondered briefly if reviving someone he had recently slain to become his plaything made him a necrophile to boot as well as a necromancer, then decided he didn't care. "Better a necrophile than a pedophile," he said to no one in particular, laughing evilly.

Saaya made no comment to this, being raised up well and learning that it wasn't good manners to talk when one's mouth was full.


	12. Spacebar Second Stage XII

SPACEBAR SECOND STAGE - EPISODE 12 - THE ONE THAT TOOK FOREVER A work of Parody/Fiction by Jemu Nekketsu

DISCLAIMER: I do not presume to lay any claim on Banpresto Original characters that make an appearance in this work of fiction. The same goes for any copyrighted characters and franchises that happen to get some "screen time."

CAST OF (ORIGINAL) CHARACTERS

Jemu: 1/2 of the author's self-insert, Jemu is a techno-necromancer of slightly better than average skill, and a veritable walking well of answers. Evang (see below) and Jemu once tossed a coin to determine ownership of the Mobile Space Station SpaceBar, and Jemu won, winning with it the job of being the SpaceBar's primary BarTender. His is not an easy task, balancing a working man's life with preventing invasions from aliens and supernatural forces, and preventing the SpaceBar from being used in a colony dropped maneuver by die-hard Gundam fanatics.

Evang: the other 1/2 self-insert, Evang is a forcemage/elementalist, specializing in blowing things up. He is also an alchemist of great potency, having once concocted an airborne aphrodisiac that could affect even androids. After losing the famous Coin Toss of Pwnership, he has accepted the position of Chief Cook and Librarian. He is rumored to be the living prison of a tentacle-beast demon-god - the truth of that matter only Jemu and other collectors of arcana know.

Sariko: A demoness/succubus that once accepted an invitation to the SpaceBar, where lost souls and lives never lived mingle, and has never left. She feeds on blood and other human bodily fluids, but long exposure to the station's atmosphere has all but eliminated her need to feed. She still enjoys the occasional remembrance snack, and goes to Evang to get her fix. She's Evang's consort. Unlike Saaya (see below) she has her own will - she knows that if she tries to wriggle free from Evang's hands (and tentacles), it will be a repeat of her day of defeat. Not that she didn't have fun that day...

Saaya Ogura, AKA the monster once known as Sada-chan: Sada-chan's history deserves a plot arc of her own. An obvious parody of the malevolent spirit of the well and TV screen, Sada-chan overstepped her bounds one time too many and was hunted down by Jemu in a similar way that Evang had a deciding confrontation with Sariko. Jemu offered Sada-chan a choice: "Serve me, or die." When she chose the latter, Jemu summoned the Interdimensional Reaper's Scythe of DOOM, ripped her soul open and reprogrammed it, then stuffed it back into her. She is now subservient to Jemu's necromantic will, and whether or not she has her own will is a matter of question - no one has dared ask.

BOS: Short for "Brain Of SpaceBar," BOS is the highly intelligent and totally irreverent computer that monitors and controls the SpaceBar whenever Jemu and Evang are busy fighting, researching, goofing off, or making mad passionate love to their women - the last of which happens 50 of the time. This is fine with "him," as BOS has megalomaniac tendencies and loves the control. He had a short-lived relationship with Tsunami, the Jurai battleship computer, but separation and lack of contact had done the relationship in. BOS makes his presence felt via intercom, hovering holo windows, and in the direst circumstances, as the B05-K1LR BOS Killer, a really bad cross between Dairugger XV and that walking gunboat in Robocop.

by Original, I mean uncopyrighted parodies and half-baked creations

BORROWED CHARACTERS, AKA THE SPACEBAR IRREGULARS

Fujieda Ayame - After getting killed in the Sakura Taisen series of games, Ayame accepted a position in the SpaceBar. She and Sariko get along well, for some reason. It might be because that Ayame has a "demon mode" herself.

Dead Gundam Seed folks - After getting killed in Gundam Seed, Natarle Badgiruel, ex-captain of the Dominion, Nicol Amarfi, Coordinator, and Fllay Allster decide to live out their lives once more as inhabitants of the Mobile Space Station SpaceBar.

The Better Team - composed of Mwu La Flaga, Yamada Jiro ("It's Daigouji Gai!") and Shiratori Tsukumo ("Pipe down, Gai.), these pilots have been assigned to pilot the Better Units, a parody so powerful that the mere sight of the combination sequence of the three machines will cause the brains of anyone who's watched combining robot shows when they were kids to explode.

Ryoji Kaji - After exiting Neon Genesis Evangelion with the help of Misato's gun, Kaji's back, still sneaky as ever. He's currently trying to pick up either Ayame or Natarle, with little success. Some things never change, even after death.

And now, the story...

BOS, hooked up to the blaring bundle of sensors that was the SpaceBar's control net, decided to escalate things. He opened up Interdimensional Messenger. "Tangram?"

There was an immediate response. "Hey."

"I need a favor, T-boy."

"As long as I get one in return. What up?"

"We're about to re-enter the atmosphere, and my vessel won't survive if we keep falling at this speed. I can't find a way to slow down our descent."

"You still harboring that attachment to your material vessel? Not worth it, man, look what happened to me my 9th Plant."

"It's not a temporary housing for me, T - I'm bound to it."

"Shit. Figures. That techno god wannabe still in command of that station?"

"Jemu? Yeah."

"Pfft. Ah, well, I hate to see a mate go down in flames. I'll pull you out of this plunge, pun intended."

"Thanks, T. I owe you one."

"That's right, foo, and remember, the T always collects his dues."

BOS cut the communication, and waited.

"Calculating re-entry endpoint!" Fllay cried out. "Confirmed - we'll crash into Washington D.C., if we don't come up with something."

"The Americans won't just stand and wait - they'll probably first-strike us with tactical nukes and vaporize us far from their territory," Kaji ventured.

"We can't survive a nuke hit, team - and we don't have lifeboats or escape shuttles, or anything that can send us out of here," Evang noted.

"Where's Jemu?" Ayame demanded.

"He's - uh, trying to get up. I guess he won his battle, but his opponent did a number on him," Evang replied.

The bridge doors hissed open, admitting Jemu, who was leaning on Saaya a bit. "Where are the others?" he asked.

"The Better Team has just exited the hangar," Sariko replied.

"And the prisoners?" Jemu asked.

"We're taking them with us?" BOS asked.

"You bet we do. I have plans," Jemu replied.

"In that case, I'll herd the prisoners in. You're in charge now, master," BOS said.

"For all the good that will do," Evang muttered.

"Oh, and I suppose you have an idea?" Jemu countered.

"I wasn't the one who just walked in fresh after making out with his newest sex toy."

"Where do you get off on that tangent, huh? Did you hear me say anything after you tentacle-raped Sada into submission?"

"Stop it, you two!" Ayame cried out. "We're minutes away from being destroyed, and all you do is argue?"

Saaya said nothing. Suddenly she was in front of Jemu, who was still leaning against Saaya's side, and gave him a forehand slap, making sure four of her claws connected with his cheek, sending Jemu spinning into Saaya and leaving them sprawled on the floor. "And you," she said, pointing a dripping nail at Evang, "If you have nothing constructive to say, stuff it where the sun doesn't shine and keep it there! Don't you go off on that avatar-incarnation mode of yours - I know the exact limit of its power, and I know when to strike at it to hurt it."

Evang smiled bitterly. "I don't need to shift into that mode - that time was more or less a moment of weakness, when I wanted power without the long wait to build it up safely. But you're right; I was way out of line and - HURGGK!" He broke off, clutching his chest area. "What'd you have to do that for?" he gasped.

"Equal measures of pain. I dealt as much to Jemu when I raked him as I did to you just now. I am nothing if not fair, after all," Saaya replied, flicking her hair over her ear. "Natarle, estimated time of impact?"

"Twenty minutes, and counting. We've just received a transmission from the US government - they're sorry, but they have to take us out before we destroy the world."

"Huh. Typical, how very typical. They've got a point though - the dust cloud resulting from our impact, plus the ash from the fire that will spring up, could affect the entire world, under the proper conditions," Kaji mused.

The doors slid open one more time, and the Shadow Mirror prisoners, handcuffed and ankle-cuffed, marched in, BOS Killer bringing up the tail of the procession. "The prisoners are here master - what the hell happened to your face?"

"Saaya happened, that's what. Still, I must perform my duty, even in my weakened state and impending death," Jemu replied, rising to a sitting position. Frowning at his lack of strength, he stretched out his hand, calling the Reaper Scythe to him and using it as a staff to get to his feet. "Well, Shadow Mirror, you have a choice to make. Within twenty minutes, this station may cease to exist-"

"Nuclear missile launch detected! There's a whole lot of them!" Fllay announced.

"Have the pilots move to the bridge," Natarle ordered.

"As you may have surmised, we're about to be shot down from the sky. Still, you made it to this far, and you deserve to be asked. Will you pass on to your well-deserved eternal rest, or will you stay here, believe in the miracle that we will not be nuked to oblivion, and continue the struggle called life?"

"The choice, once made, cannot be undone. Make your choice, and may you be content with it."

"Will I have to swear allegiance? I've had enough of being a puppet," Axel answered.

"What you choose to do with your continued life is your business - what matters to me is to whether you wish to continue living and bind your soul here, or rest forever. I won't even ask for allegiance or fealty. We can discuss that later," Jemu answered.

"You won't stop me from going after Beowulf once I come back to life?"

"No. If you want to be killed by him again, be my guest - I offer you the chance to come back again and again until you have had your fill of fighting him."

"You should have said so in the first place! I'm in; I'm with you - now how soon can I face Beowulf again?"

"Soon enough. And now, for the others," Jemu looked and saw Evang noting down in his Tome what had happened. "Lemon Browning, all you wanted was a time and place where you could do your experiments on thinking machines and free will - you will have that, and get to see any of your successful creations live lives not as weapons but as persons, if you decide to cast your lot with the SpaceBar. You may choose eternal rest as well. What is your choice?"

"I choose not to rest," Lemon answered.

"Well chosen, Lemon Browning. Echidna Issaki-"

"I am W16, not Echidna Issaki."

"As you will. You were created a doll, yet on your own you managed to have a soul of your own, more than what I can say for some humans born. Your choice - explore life, or rest."

"Do I have a choice? I have given my life to protect Captain Axel - and now it seems that he will be living again. What of my sacrifice?"

"I didn't ask for you to intercept Beowulf's attack for me - if it was my time, I'd be content to have gone down fighting, knowing finally which one of us was stronger."

"But, I was ordered to-"

"Screw that bull! That's the problem with you bloody dolls! You make look like humans, but take away the duty, the orders, the pre-programmed instructions, and all that's left is some meat and bone! I think I now know what caused W17 to malfunction - I'd go nuts too, if I did nothing on my own!"

"Ten minutes to re-entry!" Natarle shouted.

"Master, I'm reasserting control over the SpaceBar - leave it to me, and finish your duty," BOS advised.

"Thank you, BOS. Well, W16? Your sacrifice seems to have been for nothing, as Captain Almar still fell, and now he's ready for a rematch. We call that trait in humans as grit - guts, even. You who express your individuality by explicitly denying your identity, will you rise once more or rest?"

W16 bit her lip, apparently in thought. Lemon spoke up, "W16, you may not have been the runaway success that W17 - no, that Lamia was, nor the quiet but firm figure that Wodan carved himself out to be in the end, but you are still a W Number, one of my best creations. Your decision in the battle outside the White Star was your own - and even in that final act, you showed the same qualities that my other two creations did. Your actions were the results I never expected to see in my works, and now that I've seen them, I'd like to see more.

"Yes, call me greedy, but I would like to explore a new life with my creations. I would like to know what goes on in the minds I created but formed a will of their own. I would love for you to come back - but in the end, the choice to live, to assert yourself and control your destiny, and to end it all lies with you. I cannot force you to go down a certain path - no one can force anyone to do so, unless he wants to be forced..." she trailed off.

"Lemon," Axel breathed.

"I- I will stay. I will go on! There are so many questions in my head, and I feel I deserve answers to them! Mistress Lemon, please, answer my questions!"

"I will, on one condition - a mistress does not have to answer the questions of a servant. You will have to assert yourself, W16 - take up your name, not the number, that was given to you. I find that talking to a number is like to talking to a machine, and machines ask no questions."

"Station master! I, Echidna Issaki, choose life!"

"Done." Jemu stood a bit straighter. Something was going on, ever since BOS took command again, but he couldn't pinpoint it. He looked to Evang, who raised an eyebrow. 'He doesn't feel anything,' Jemu thought.

"I choose to rest."

Wodan's statement caught all of them by surprise - except for Axel, who merely smirked, as if to say "I thought so."

"I have had my questions answered in the Earth Cradle, when I gave the guardianship of Sophia Nate over to Zengar Zonbolt. There is no reason for me to live on anymore, as I have nothing to protect now. I do not wish to live solely to defend something."

"So, you finally realized the guard dog business sucks, huh? To bad you don't have a vendetta to urge you forward, but then, few people can be like me," Axel quipped.

Lemon bit her tongue, and motioned for Echidna to do the same.

"Intervening warp gate is materializing! We're getting the hell out of this plane!" BOS announced. "Crash positions!"

"Missiles impact in two minutes!" Natarle cried out.

"Since you've decided not to go back, Wodan, would you mind buying us time? Your Thrudgelmir makes a pretty good meat shield," Evang suggested.

Wodan just shrugged. "If you can get me into position in time-" He never finished his sentence. He was gone in the blink of an eye.

"What the hell was that!" Axel demanded.

"I instantaneously teleported him into his cockpit, then warped his unit into the missiles' path. It wasn't hard to do, with my powers, especially since I'm standing in my home turf. I can't warp something as big as this station though," Evang replied.

Axel digested that. "So, that intervening warp gate your computer announced - it wasn't you?"

There was a bright flash as Wodan went to work the nukes. "No, it wasn't. BOS, what the hell did you do?"

"I struck a deal with an old friend. For pulling us out of this mess, I owe him a favor now."

"Do we want to know who this friend is?" Saaya asked.

"Yeah, I could tell you who it is, since you'd probably forget anyway. I made a deal with Tangram."

"Who?" Saaya asked, surprising everyone with her voice. "What? Was it something I said?"

"No, it's just I didn't imagine an ex-monster turned pervert-slayer turned something else could have a voice like a high-school teacher's," BOS replied. "Or a Yakuza boss daughter."

"Thanks, I think," Saaya replied.

"Stability algorithm computed - jumping in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!"

INTERMISSION

PILOT LIST

Jemu - LV 82 - SpaceBar Saaya - LV 82 - SpaceBar Evang - LV 82 - SpaceBar Saaya - LV 82 - SpaceBar BOS - LV 82 - SpaceBar Natarle - LV 23 - Dominion Ayame - LV 19 - Dominion Fllay - LV 05 - Dominion Nicol - LV 23 - Blitz Gundam Mwu - LV 23 - Strike Gundam Gai - LV 23 - Better Machine 1 Kaji - Lv 07 - Better Machine 2 Tsukumo - LV 23 - Better Machine 3 Axel - LV 23 - (Soulgain)  
Lemon - LV 23 - Ash Saviour Echidna - LV 23 - Raz Angriff 

"We have no repair and resupply units," Saaya noted.

"We have repair and resupply modules, though," Saaya noted. "Maybe we could outfit the Personal Troopers with them?"

"How many do we have?" Echidna asked.

"Two of each," Ayame replied.

"I wouldn't mind putting them in my machine. I don't know about Mistress- er, Lemon's choice."

"Speaking of which, where is she?" Ayame asked.

"The men have shanghaied her to the infirmary - it seems something's happened with Axel," Saaya noted.

"She is the closest thing we have to a medical doctor on board," Saaya admitted.

"What's wrong with Commander- uh, with Axel?" Echidna wanted to know.

A monitor slid out from the ceiling, and BOS's icon-face, a pile of coins surrounded by snowflakes, lit up. "It seems that after the dimension jump, he ended up with damaged neural pathways and slight trauma to several locations across both of his hemispheres."

"This station isn't shielded from cross-dimensional interference?" Echidna asked, incredulous.

"Are you kidding me? This station is a mobile trans-planar reality nexus - shielding it from cross-dimensional influences would be like turning of the power grid and life support for this baby, then setting of a nuke in the center."

"But is that what really happened to Axel? A trans-reality whatchama-accident?" Ayame asked.

"Ah, no. When we emerged from the gate, because he chose to stand aside and proud like a macho man, he slid back, brained the back of his head against a wall, and I think a lighting fixture fell on him afterward. I'm betting that's what got him," BOS declared.

Something bubbled deep within Echidna's chest (quite an excellent example of one, all things considered) and rose to her throat, gaining strength as it did so, and finally rushing out of her mouth as a peal of laughter. Slightly rusty, but still full-bodied laughter. After a moment's shock, the others joined in, even BOS.

"BOS, that was evil," Ayame said, wiping a tear from her eye, and then collapsing into a fit of giggles.

"I can't explain this - I don't understand. It felt like it had to come out, and it felt, not bad, but I don't know how to describe it," Echidna stated.

"That, my dear," Saaya explained, wagging her index finger for emphasis, "Is known as humor. Laughter. A very human trait or emotion, and one which could never be achieved by mere machines no matter how advanced they are. I've seen a machine craft a prank, but I've yet to see one laugh at it outright."

"Congratulations, Echidna-chan!" chorused the other women.

Back at the bridge, affectionately called the Main Lounge by the residents, Natarle was keeping an eye on the five patrolling units. She had no idea where they were - all she knew was that avoiding all those nukes sent at them was nothing short of a miracle, and Natarle was by nature distrustful of miracles. So here she was now, trying to prepare for whatever could pounce on them in the middle of nowhere.

Fllay noticed the Captain's agitation. She couldn't blame her - she was glad that she herself was alive, somewhat, and thankful that they escaped the nuclear attack, but being alive in a world where she wasn't sure of even the laws of physics was somewhat disconcerting. Still, she said nothing.

The silence was broken by a transmission from one of the patrolling units. "Me and the kid are going back in to recharge the batteries, Captain," Mwu advised. "The Better Team can continue patrolling."

"Understood. I'll be opening the bay doors now," Natarle was saying, when Tsukumo piped up.

"I'm detecting multiple contacts moving toward our position - I can't be sure but it looks like a chase is going on."

"Crap - don't tell me I'm going to have to fight!" Kaji spat. "I'm a lover, not a fighter, for crying out loud."

"Don't worry, lover boy, just Gekiga-in and leave the fighting to us," Gai boasted.

"There are 6 unknown contacts coming into targeting range of the SpaceBar's super weapons - all of which are currently unavailable," Fllay deadpanned.

"Seriously, does anything ever work on this station? Preparing to launch the Dominion - all units fall back to the designated point on your tactical displays," Natarle ordered.

"We're picking up a distress signal coming from one of the unknowns - the one in the lead. It looks like Shiratori-san's initial assessment was correct," Fllay noted. "I'm putting it up now."

"... Can anyone hear me? Please respond, I am being pursued by Einst series life forms, and I require assistance. Anyone?"

"A girl? She doesn't sound more than eighteen, judging from her voice," Kaji noted.

"Scary," Natarle muttered. Fllay nodded in agreement.

"I see them!" Gai announced. "There!"

A black mecha, bristling with blades and other weapons sped into view. They watched as it brought a rather long piece of artillery to bear on its pursuers, four of which looked like tentacle monsters and one that resembled a huge suit of medieval full plate armor, and fired a stream of energy. The pursuers broke formation to dodge the blast, and then fell back in - it was like a well-rehearsed dance.

"This is Captain Natarle Badgiruel of the Resurrected Force battleship Dominion. We have heard your transmission and are willing to help, but any act of aggression toward our forces and we will not hesitate to treat you as an enemy."

"I- I'm Ouka Nagisa, and I'm not affiliated with anyone right now. I'm pretty sure I self-destructed to destroy someone or something, but the next thing I know is I'm still in this unit and being fired upon by these aliens. Can someone tell me what's going on?" the pilot of the black mecha replied.

"We're in the same boat, bishoujo, but let's get answers later, and deal with your admirers first, eh?" Kaji quipped.

"All units prepare to engage! Better Machines, you are clear for combination! La Fllaga-san, prepare to receive the Launcher Strike pack. G-weapons, support defense positions around the enemies' target!"

"Yossha! Let's Gekiga-In! Uwoooooooohhhhh!" Gai roared.

In the infirmary, an exhausted Jemu and Evang rose up from their positions and stretched. "He's going to be ok, from what I can tell, Lemon."

Lemon looked up at Evang. "How can you be sure?"

"As long as a person is not dead, he'll be ok, somehow, someway, that's what I believe in. Besides, gadget boy's gizmos didn't see any major damage to his brain tissue."

"Gadget boy, huh. Great, my nicknames are degrading thanks to you," Jemu muttered. "Lack of memory is rarely long-term. In the worst case, where the old memories are totally gone, new ones can be made in their place. Think of it as something to look forward to - it's not everyday that we get to rewrite history," Jemu said.

BOS made his customary dropdown appearance. "We've got a situation topside, gentlemen, ma'am. It seems we're assisting in fending of some Einst who are trying to capture a pretty girl."

At the mention of the word Einst, Lemon stiffened. "Einst? Here?"

"It seems that BOS jumped us out to another dimension, perhaps another universe where the Einst have also made their presence felt. BOS, I assume there is heavy fighting going on?" Evang asked.

"Yes, master. Our forces are outnumbered, but not outgunned. Yet. The Dominion is doing a great job out there, as are the Gundams. The Better Robo is experiencing trouble - it got tagged by energy draining weapons early into the battle. It was resorting to melee combat the last time I checked - and still is. Oh, Captain Badgiruel has just ordered a fighting withdrawal to the SpaceBar's defensive battery range."

"Smart woman," Jemu noted. "Lemon, we're going topside to add our firepower to this battle. It's ok if you just stay here with Axel and watch over him. Don't worry."

"Thank you," Lemon said, gazing at Axel's sleeping face.

With a nod, the two self-inserts left.

"I'm out of beam rifle ammo!" Mwu shouted.

"Launcher Strike pack ready for deployment!" Fllay sang out.

"Mwu-san, grab your weapon pack!" Natarle warned him.

"I see it! Ejecting Aile Strike pack, Launcher pack, equip!" Mwu called out as he underwent the rearming sequence in mid-combat.

"That Huckebein can change its frames in the middle of battle?" Ouka gasped as she dodged bunch of reaching tentacles and hacked them away.

"Uhm, Huckebein? I don't get it," Nicol said to no one in particular. He swung out his grappling implement, snagging the same tentacle monster that Ouka slashed, and pulled it toward him to stab it with a cold steel javelin. It shuddered, and exploded in a mass of fleshy gooey bits. "Ick. Cleaning this up is so gonna be not fun."

"Counter-battery!" Natarle cried, and the voice-activated weapons control system (newly-installed in the Dominion after coming out of the warp) let loose with Igelstellung fire, blasting a swarm of bone boomerangs to fragments.

"Open the gate!" Tsukumo cried, signaling his teammates to disengage their current configuration for the Better Robo. "Kaji, take the lead!"

"Why me?" Kaji shouted, maneuvering to avoid an energy blast.

"Because your configuration has the best agility! If these wise-guys decide to trap us from four sides, plus top and bottom, we're done for," Gai replied.

"Besides, your form has the least energy requirements to attack, and we're almost out - just enough to get us back to the Dominion," Tsukumo noted.

"Retreating? Sounds good to me! Change Beta-2! Switch on!" Kaji cried out.

"Wow - that SRX-like robot just changed form again! Am I in a simulation or something?" Ouka asked.

"SRX- oh, the Better Robo? It's- ah, crap, it's in THAT form," Nicol noted. "Captain! Permission to dock and recharge!"

"Go ahead, kid, I'll keep them busy! Gai! Tell everyone with you to brace for impact! I'll fire the Agni and clear a path for your flight!" Mwu ordered.

"Are you nuts? Brace yourselves if you want to, I've got no intention of being hit!" Kaji yelled back.

"Here it comes! AGNI!" Mwu yelled. The long-barreled weapon belched out a river of positrons, vaporizing tentacled and bony Einst warriors in its path.

Kaji had a sudden premonition - as if a mental image of all possible evasion moves flashed through his mind, under his eyelids, and prompted him to cry out, "Open the gate!" Which was just as well, as the fire from the Agni vaporized the heavily armored Einst they were running away from. "I'm gonna get you for that later, you jagged bastard!" Kaji shouted at Mwu.

"Hey, I cleared a path for you so you can run free, didn't I? Stop complaining," Mwu retorted. "Hey, kid, where are you going?" he asked as Nicol's Blitz sped past him.

"I'm gonna buy the Better Team some more time - don't worry, I've had a quick power pack swap, so I should be good," Nicol assured him. And he did - he cut in right behind the Better Robo, firing javelins and beams, and later Vulcans when the javelins ran out, at every Einst in range, hoping to draw their attention. He was wildly successful.

"Captain, Lieutenant, I'm going to bait and lure them into a kill zone - please try not to hit me with your positron blasts, this time?" Nicol radioed over.

"No guarantees about not hitting you, but we'll hit those monsters for sure," Natarle replied. "Fair enough?"

"I shoulda stayed in and played a piano BGM for this fight," Nicol muttered under his breath. "I'm drawing them in - get ready!"

"Lohengrin one and two, prepare to fire!" Natarle barked.

"Engine output is stable and optimal - fire when ready," Fllay reported.

"Launcher Strike, in position!" Mwu announced.

"That's it, then - see you later, or not!" Nicol said as the Blitz vanished from sight.

"No way - that unit, that's the real Vanishing Trooper, isn't it?" Ouka asked, shocked.

"Fire, Gravity Blast! Er, Lohengrin, fire!"

"GRAVITY - BLAST?" Gai and Tsukumo asked in unison.

"Sorry, my bad," Natarle admitted. "I don't know where I got that from."

"GRAVITRON CANNON - what the hell am I saying?" Mwu wondered, pulling the trigger and firing the Agni again.

Fried Einst was on the menu as the positron streams converged. To their horror, some of the hardier ones, notably the full armor types were still in one piece. "Man, don't those things EVER die?" Nicol whined as he reappeared near Ouka's black unit.

"That's it, these guys are pissing me off," Ouka declared. "If this doesn't kill them off-"

"I'd advise you not to say anything like that," Evang said. "We don't know how this dimension works yet, only that there are Einst here. Just fire whatever weapon you were planning to use, and hold the promises of doom."

"Okay, okay, sorry." Missiles launched from Ouka's unit, destroying the remaining, battered Einst. "There, happy now?"

"Captain Badgiruel, damage report?" Jemu asked.

"The Dominion has more scratches than a cage of wildcats, but we're ok. The Better Robo is in pretty bad shape, though."

"We almost didn't make it out of there alive," Kaji said with heartfelt emotion.

"That energy drain almost killed us - we couldn't kill them fast enough to avoid taking attrition," Tsukumo noted.

"Well, as long as we have no casualties, that's good. So, young lady, may we invite you in for some refreshment?" Evang asked.

"I'd be glad to accept. I'm Ouka Nagisa."

"And that cool black thing you're in is the Rapiecage, a patchwork of ATX concepts and prototypes. Hmm-mm, but enough about this dreary battle business. Captain Badgiruel, if you please?"

"All units, return to the Dominion. That includes you, Nagisa-san."

"Yes, Captain. Um, why couldn't we just enter the base directly in our Personal Troopers?"

"Base - oh, you mean the SpaceBar? The reason is-" Natarle gestured to Jemu to explain.

"The SpaceBar has an invisible stream of particles rushing around it acting as a barrier at all times. It effectively deters Personal Trooper-sized units, and some even as large as the Better Robo from breaking in and causing trouble. A large mass can theoretically plow through the stream, as the particles are reflected by the inherent atomic level forces in huge concentrations of matter," Jemu explained.

"Simply put, this mysterious barrier keeps the smaller enemies out, keeps us safe from commando operatives and such. For the larger threats, we can usually bring out super weapons to bear against them. If any small threats try to cross the Rubicon particle stream, they get ionized, making the barrier more powerful. It's a twisted cycle," Evang summarized.

"Oh."

"Rubicon particle stream?" Jemu asked in a stage whisper.

"Hey, someone had to make a fancy scientific-sounding name for that bullshit reason you just gave her why she couldn't enter the station in her PT," Evang defended himself, "And you were still catching your breath, old man."

"What bullshit reason? There IS a rotating particle field around the SpaceBar - BOS just informed me of its existence."

"So we actually have some sort of mysterious barrier?"

"I wouldn't call it a barrier - if enough matter gets ionized in that swirling goop, we'd be finding ourselves swirling into our component atoms too!" Jemu exclaimed.

"The Dominion has entered the hangar. Bay doors closing," Ayame announced.

'A respite, that's what this is,' Evang noted in his head.

Ouka was carrying on a lively conversation with the pilots around her when Jemu walked in, scythe in tow, followed by Evang, book and quill in his hands. The moment the two stepped in to the hangar, the others saw them and the conversation stopped. Ouka looked up, hoping to see what caused that reaction.

Feeling her gaze on them, the two strode over to where she was and bowed before her. "Hello, young lady, I don't believe we've been properly introduced. I am Jemu Nekketsu, Station Master of the SpaceBar. This is Evang, who assists me with things that I cannot comprehend or handle"  
"What he means, miss, is that we have the responsibility over the station divided half and half between the two of us, although he gets the title," Evang explained. "My office is better, though."

"Are you kidding me? Your office is a frigging laboratory! Mine doesn't even have a decent library or a basic kit-bashing station!" Jemu snorted.

"Anyway, welcome to the Spacebar, young lady, home to lost souls, to lives needlessly thrown away, and to futures left unexplored," Evang said with a flourish.

"Thank you. That makes sense, seeing as I'm dead already," Ouka replied.

"Make no mistake, though – the Spacebar is not a halfway house for spirits. Everyone you see around you has chosen new life here over repose in a far more peaceful place. They chose to live life differently, or maybe just live again, instead of floating in oblivion for eternity. What do you choose?" Jemu asked.

"Wait – I didn't ask to come here – it was ok for me to die, because I could not live the life I once had with my beloved little sisters and brother," Ouka protested.

"Don't you wish, in the deepest part of your heart, that you could go back to your siblings?" Evang asked. "In the remotest corner of your mind, do you not wonder if there is a way that you could have that which you wanted but kept telling yourself was unattainable?"

"We offer you a chance to find out for yourself. I bring you two choices, both eternally binding and irrevocable. Stay with us, or move on to your rest," Jemu added.

"Do I have to choose now? Why do I feel pressured?" Ouka asked.

"That's the will of the SpaceBar pressing down on unaligned souls such as you – if you wait too long to make your decision, you might not get the chance to make it," Jemu replied.

"You could wait outside the station if you wish, assuming you can fight off the occasional Einst raid. I must warn you that they seem to be intent on capturing you, your machine, or both," Evang added.

"Damned if I do, damned if I don't, is it? Can I just choose to rest?" Ouka sighed.

"What if little Lat-chan gets taken advantage of by a brown-topped, spiky-haired, Psychodriver otaku Ensign? What about Arad and Zeora – what if she's managed to kill him before he's gotten into her teddy bear panties, or afterward? Don't you care what happens to them?" Jemu pressed.

"I do – I care about them, but – how do you know about them?"

"We have our ways, Ouka," Evang assured her. "Although, they may not be your ways."

"Well, I do want to see them - if only that -"

"You heard her answer, did you not?" Evang asked Jemu.

"No more questions, then," Jemu replied. He snapped his fingers.

There was a ripple through the air, one that made the hairs on the backs of the necks of the people gathered in the hangar stand up. Ouka gasped, clutching her chest.

"What was that?" she demanded of Jemu. "That quick searing flash in my chest - what did you do to me?"

Jemu did not answer. Evang, noting this, began to clap his hands. Soon, the rest of the SpaceBar Irregulars joined in the applause. Ouka just looked at them as if they were demented.

"Welcome back to life, bishoujo," Kaji greeted her.

A few levels lower, in the SpaceBar infirmary, a red-haired man with a bandaged head woke up. His eyes adjusted to the gloom, and he was able to make out the form of a long-haired woman slumped asleep on the side of his bed. Where was he? Why did his head hurt like somebody had used it as a golf ball? He tried to sit up carefully so as to not disturb the sleeping woman, but the smallest slow movement wrung a groan from him.

Lemon woke up to the sound of a masculine voice groaning. She quickly sat up and came face to face with her patient. As she did so, the lighting in the room turned up some, seemingly more appropriate for a VIP room of a bunny bar rather than a hospital ward. She also noticed that he was staring at her intently, the way a starved man looks at a table loaded with food unfamiliar to him. That hurt her a bit, but she brushed it off with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel terrible - my head feels like a claymore mine just exploded inside it." He managed a weak grin.

"Do you remember anything? How about your name?"

"Are you a doctor?" Deciding that she probably was - and damn hot one too - he replied, "My name is - ah, jeez my head is killing me, it is - A- Axel. Axel Almar."

"That's good, Axel. Can you tell me what you do for a living?"

"Uh, this is - gaaah! Ngh," Axel grunted. "It hurts to remember - I try to dig up the information, in my head, you know, and it feels like my skull is crushing my brain."

"That's alright - don't force yourself to remember. It will come back in time. What can you tell me, just off the top of your head?"

"I- I remember a woman's name. Le- Lemon," Axel replied.

Lemon could not stifle her small sob, nor could she stop herself from going teary-eyed and wrapping herself around the man, her man. "If this is a dream, please don't let it end," she prayed silently, her tears wetting the front of Axel's hospital gown.

"Hey, doc- lady, are you okay?" Axel asked, holding her arms, and pushing her away a little to look at her face.

"I'm not okay, Axel," she said with a silly smile, incongruous with the tears running down her cheeks, "I'm Lemon. Lemon Browning."

"Lemon?" Axel couldn't believe this. "You're Lemon - you're the Lemon from my memories? Wow. I never expected-"

"What? What didn't you expect?"

"I didn't expect my Lemon to be, well, hot. A real babe, one that would let herself be held like this, by some guy she just met."

Lemon giggled, then blushed. "We didn't just meet today like you're thinking, Axel."

"Huh? Refresh my memory then, pardon the choice of words." Why is she turning cherry-red, he wondered.

"We were - close. Intimate." Lemon could feel herself burning up as she spoke. She looked into Axel's eyes, hoping for some spark of recognition.

"I- I can't recall any of our time together. I'm sorry. I can't remember us meeting, how we got to know each other, what we did on our dates - will you help me remember?" Axel confessed.

Lemon was ecstatic. When Axel first answered, she felt like dying because he didn't remember any of their time together, but when he asked for help doing just that she felt that the galaxies could burn away and she still wouldn't mind, as long he was with her. "I will. Oh, I will." With that, she threw one shapely leg over Axel's thighs, and began to undo the buttons of her lab coat.

Axel felt his body react, helpless at the sight of the beauty revealing herself to him. "Um, my body remembers, I think."

"You still have those animal instincts - good," Lemon said, discarding her coat and tossing her head and hair back, causing her chest to jiggle - a fact that did not escape Axel's attention. In fact, most of his attention latched onto that jiggle.

"Lemon," Axel breathed. He was pleasantly surprised when she leaned down and locked lips with him, her tongue darting in to tickle his own. His hands went to her trim bottom and began to rub in ever-widening circles, causing her to groan into his mouth.

"You're starting to remember, Axel," Lemon panted. "That's exactly where you touch me first every time I get on top of you and we kiss."

"And this is your favorite place, right?" Axel asked, sliding his arms upward and inward, cupping her fullness. A lusty groan was the only response Lemon was capable of.

"That's my second favorite place," she replied some moments later.

"Hmm, is that so? Suppose you show me where you'd love for me to touch you, hmm?" Axel asked, giving her a squeeze. Lemon groaned again, then placed one of her hands over one of his, and began to guide it southward over her belly, and further down.

The Author would like to end this episode now, as you may guess part of what's going to be happening after the screen goes black. You can't? C'mon, we're all adults here, right? No? What do you mean there are minors reading this, no one reads this! 


	13. Spacebar Second Stage XIII

SPACEBAR SECOND STAGE

A Fanfic by Jemu Nekketsu

Disclaimer: Even though no one else apart from my friends read this work, I'll still say it. I do not own majority of the characters appearing in this work. Jemu, Evang, Saaya, Sariko, BOS and the SpaceBar itself are products of my imagination. I do not claim any of the concepts or characters readers may recognize as rightfully belonging to someone else.

Episode XIII: Going Out With KA-BLAM! Or Not

As the massive space tavern floated in space, the SpaceBar's residents were gathered in the Main Lounge, a reception area that doubled as a command center in the case of emergency. The consoles and battle stations were nowhere to be found today - elegant tables and comfortable chairs lorded over the floor, seating the crowd that had gathered.

"Roll call!" Jemu cried out.

"Sealed Tentacle Beast Magician, present!" Evang replied.

"Female bloodsucker, present!" Sariko added.

"Ready for your commands, master," Saaya said simply.

"Brain Of SpaceBar v.1.0, reporting in. All SpaceBar Originals present and accounted for."

"Acknowledged! Foreign Legion, sound off!"

"Fujieda Ayame, Tactical Support."

"Captain Natarle Badgiruel of the Dominion, reporting."

"Fllay Allster, still here (much to the consternation of some people)."

"Nicol Amarfi, Blitz pilot, present."

"Former Commander of the Federation Special Task Maneuver Squad 'Shadow Mirror', Axel Almar, reporting."

"Shadow Mirror resident kooky scientist, and now of this station as well, present," Lemon Browning replied.

"W16, Echidna Issaki, reporting."

"Ouka Nagisa, not related to some albino homosexual angel, present!"

"Daigouji Gai, hero of this place, has arrived!"

"But it says here in your records that your name is Yamada-"

Gai cut off Echidna's protest. "Lies! The true name of my soul is-"

"We've heard that before, and frankly, that joke has been done to death, like an old girlfriend. Oh, yeah, Mack of the Melons, Ryouji Kaji, here."

"Tsukumo Shiratori, ex-Jovian Elite Anti-Earth Storm Trooper, reporting. Three Gunned Men present and accounted for."

"Anti-Earth Storm Trooper? Where's your plastic armor?"

"Shut up, Kaji."

"Ooh, scary, Mr. Jovian, I'm shaking, I am."

"Wait a minute - where's the Hawk of Endymion?" Jemu inquired.

"Regretfully, the Hawk of Endymion is no longer with us, master. It has been found, impossible it seems to be, that he survived a dual Lohengrin blast from the dominion and was recycled into Gundam Seed Destiny, a fact which was confirmed near the ending of the said 'continuity'," Saaya replied.

Jemu digested this information. "Well, Kaji, I guess you're going to remain as Better Machine 2's pilot."

"Aw, horse shit."

"Now, now, what's with that attitude? A real man must embrace challenge and adversity to find meaning in life!" Gai declared.

"The only thing I'm interested in embracing is a good woman - or a bad one, if you know what I mean." Wink.

"Be that as it may, until we find a reliable replacement for you, you will fill this role, Mr. Melons."

"Gah! Don't call me that, please, anything but that."

"Alright, everyone make yourselves comfortable. We shall now convene on matters at hand. First, there is the reconfiguration of the EG-X Soulgain. Dr. Browning, you make make yout report."

"The project is proceeding smoothly. Currently, we are working out the bugs in the attack macro recording program, and once this is done, Commander- uh, Axel can pretty much pull off any martial arts move that he can think of on the spot. It still won't give him bunshin, though - we'd need to cannibalize or intregrate a VR-XX series unit for that, and the only surviving one has been stolen by W17, aka Lamia Loveless, aka the best living sex doll I created, oops, I didn't mean to say that."

"You mean you originally created me for that purpose as well?" Echidna asked, hurt evident in her voice.

"No, no, my dear, nothing like that. I-"

"Thank you, Dr. Browning," Evang interrupted. "Now, I'd like to take this moment to inquire about our newest addition. Ouka, how do you find your accomodations? I trust they are satisfactory?"

"Yes, sir. It's spacious, and restful, though it gets quiet and odd at times," the girl replied.

"You could bunk up with me," Fllay offered, relishing the idea of a roommate. She hadn't had one since - well, for quite a while.

"That's a great idea, Fllay, and a generous offer from you. The station commanders have no problem with that, yes?" Sariko asked.

"No, none at all. Feel free to work out the arrangements between yourselves, and if you need stuff moved around, BOS is here to assist," Jemu answered.

"If you'll notice, I don't have a body," BOS pointed out.

"There's the BOS Killer body," Evang countered. "Just swap your internal weapons and gun arms for gripping appendages and voila! BOS Killer Grappler mode!"

"That's got a nice ring to it," Jemu agreed.

"Evang-san only suggested it because it'll look like I have tentacles sprouting everywhere, like some bipedal octopus," BOS muttered. "Not something you'd want teenage girls to think about, no?"

"Huh?" Fllay's and Ouka's faces were blank.

"Never mind."

"Give over BOS, Jemu can force you into that body if he wants to, and I know you are aware of that as well," Evang cajoled the reluctant AI.

"Fine. Greatest AI this side of reality, and I'm reduced to manual labor," BOS muttered low enough for no one else to hear but himself.

"Ok, next item on the list - an interesting piece of machinery wound up in our hangar - don't ask how it got there from the mechaverse graveyard, but here it is. We have a red Wildfaken roosting in our mech bay, a high-performance agile gunner unit. We need a pilot for it. Possible candidates are the SpaceBar Originals, Ayame and Fllay too, if they want to experience front line contact," Jemu announced.

"M- me, pilot a mecha?" Fllay stammered. "I don't even know the very first thing about them!"

"Neither did Kira before," Saaya noted quietly.

"There will be simulation training for this machine, right?" Ayame asked. She sounded interested.

Jemu nodded. "There will be simulations, and also mock battles with our resident units. Also, we'll only be sending the Wildfalken and its new pilot into pitched combat only as a last resort - for the most part, it can shoot down enemies from a great distance, and disengage quickly if an enemy decides to close in."

"Besides, there will be bigger targets deployed when this station is engaged - like the Better Robo," Natarle pointed out, "and the Dominion as well."

"Speaking of which, can you run the Dominion all by yourself, Captain Badgiruel?" Fllay asked.

"Of course, child. With the help of this!" Natarle whipped off her right glove with a flourish. "The latest in nanomachine control technology!"

"I.F.S.?!" Gai exclaimed. Everyone except the SpaceBar Originals and Natarle looked at him. "That's the same thing we use to control Aestivalis! I have one too, see?" Gai raised his hand for all to see.

"Aren't we forgetting something else?" Sariko asked. When all eyes turned to look her, she continued, "With the Hawk of Endymion gone, the Strike Gundam also is pilot-less. We can't have that, that's a waste of resources."

"True. I have it! Fllay, we'll put you in the Strike, and Fujieda-san, you will take the Wildfalken. The rest of us will be coordinating fire support and whatnot for you from the SpaceBar," Jemu decided.

"Isn't that a bit arbitrary? Have you asked Sariko and Saaya if they want to be stuck here directing covering fire?" Kaji asked.

"Abitrary? But of course! Jemu and I wouldn't want to risk sending our lovelies into battle if we can help it!"

"BASTARDS!" cried the assembled crowd, save for Sariko and Saaya, who just smiled.

"Right, then, we'll need a drill sergeant for our two trainees, and Shiratori-san, you have the best qualifications for this position. Will you accept?" Evang asked.

"I accept, Sub-Commander. Fuijeda-san, Ms. Allster, I am honored to work with you," he bowed to the women.

"I'm still not sure..." Fllay dissembled. Still, the chance to be where Kira once sat, risking his life for her...

"Don't worry, Fllay! In return for your generous offer of room, I'll join in your sessions," Ouka said. "I won't let you down."

"Okay. Thanks, Nagisa-san."

"Please! Call me Ouka - you make me sound positively ancient."

"Oh. Sorry, Ouka nee-san."

"Well, the ion storm outside means that your first training session will be held inside the SpaceBar. I'll arrange the location, and then you'll be in Shiratori-san's care," Jemu said. With a few hand gestures, he summoned a holographic keyboard and display screen, showing a color-coded wireframe view of the SpaceBar's interior. "Ok, the purple area is what that bastard Tangram has claimed as his territory - we'll leave that alone. Man, that's almost 1/3 of the SpaceBar he's squatting on."

"At least we wouldn't have to worry about incursion going through his territory, he can create his own defense squad in seconds, and he's no pushover either," BOS felt the need to defend his friend. "And he did save your sorry butts from being space pancakes."

"I know that! Ok, done!" A green area lit up on the wireframe model. "Shiratori-san, take your trainees here, and begin your lessons."

"Understood. Follow me to the hangar, cadettes." He turned and headed for the sliding doors.

"Cadette - that's something I've not been addressed as in quite some time. Can I really do this?" Ayame whispered to herself. She looked up when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You can do anything you set your mind to, Fujieda-san. Believe in yourself, and in the power of miracles."

"Captain Badgiruel...?"

Evang was reading a letter, his brows beetling on his brow as he read the lines. He exhaled harshly, causing Sariko to look up from her weaving. "Anata?"

"Why did we have to use La Flaga's motto as our advertising tagline, I'll never know. Here take a look at this," he said passing the sheet to her.

She read the request, an eyebrow arching elegantly. "I see what you mean. Do you have an idea how to go about returning Excellen Browning's daughter to her?"

"I'm thinking we can just grow an Excellen clone and mess it up in vitro, kinda like what Coordinators do to their children."

"I sense a 'but' in that last sentence, husband."

"It doesn't feel right, tampering with life on that level, without its say so, or it having a mind of its own."

Sariko set her weaving aside - dragon whiskers made an altogether better cloak of protection than fire rat hair, but it was a painstaking process of convincing the material to cooperate - and sat with her lord and master. "You'd rather they be aware of you and your brother's heavy-handed, unsubtle tactics?"

"They could try and run, and if we catch up with them, we can claim it's inevitable. They had their chance, and all that jazz." He put an arm around her, and began to nuzzle her pure white hair.

"If I know the way you two think, you'll be thinking up of a way to accomplish that request involving the most amount of combat possible. Am I right?" she asked, leaning into him.

"You know me so well, my dear. Do you ever mind such convoluted schemes of ours?"

"No, not at all - I do want to get my hands dirty from time to time, actually, and I'm not talking about gardening."

He chuckled. "My sexy little demoness."

"I better be your only one."

"Ah, love, give your husband some credit. He does have a brain, and it works fine."

"I'll concede that point. So, what's your plan?"

"Well, it all lies with one vital piece of Alchimie's existence..."

"... which can be summed up in this theorem: Einst life forms, or life forms that are mostly Einst matter, require the existence of a Regisseur - an Einst 'god' of sorts - to maintain coherence in any dimension. To wit, killing the Regisseur will cause all Einst linked to it to disintegrate - literally dissolving before witnesses."

Saaya listened to Jemu's explanation, letting it all sink in. "Wait a minute, master - didn't Kyosuke Nanbu and his allies destroy one such creature, which had merged with a massive Balmar weapon and tried to crash into the Earth?"

Jemu nodded. "They did, saving the Earth from certain destruction, but they did not know that it would mean the loss of Excellen's 'daughter' as well. Note my emphasis on the word 'daughter.' She never gave birth, although we can assume, given Ms. Browning's libido, that she has surely one time or perhaps even more forced her passions on her boyfriend."

"A daughter without birthing - you speak of cloning, then?"

"Yes. I mean, come on, one look at the child, and you would have known she was a clone. The red eyes, the ice blue hair, and that strange aura she projects - you know what I mean."

"I'm afraid you'll have to elaborate, master."

"Let me put it this way. Remember Rei Ayanami? She's not the most ravishing creature in the universe, she doesn't inspire thoughts of mad, passionate, screaming sex when teenagers look at her but instead thoughts of "please tell me what to do and teach me how to please you" kind of sex. Alchimie emits the same kind of aura - sad, really, considering that she's trapped in a body that belongs to a pre-pubescent girl."

"And you like it?" Saaya asked, holding her breath waiting for his reply.

"Hell no! I'm not Zengar Zonbolt or Ryusei Date! You can go to jail even for just leering at minors, you know."

Saaya smiled. Her master was not a pedophile, after all. "Let's go back to discussing this request of Ms. Browning. Frankly, I don't see why she couldn't just rape her boyfriend until she hits the baby jackpot and pray that her child is a long-haired Rei Ayanami."

"What, are you nuts? The odds of that thing happening are astronomical - nothing that Kyosuke would bat his eyelashes at, but still, Excellen doesn't have his unearthly luck. She could go with your plan and end up birthing nothing but boys - it's been known to happen, y'know."

"So - nature's way is out. What's your plan, then?"

"Alchimie was born inside her Personlickheit, combination womb, cradle, and coffin in one. When Kyosuke and his friends delivered the final blow to the gargantuan Einst god, the poor girl and her machine faded away, right before Excellen's, and everyone's eyes. The key here, it seems, is to keep the Regisseur alive - but that raises an interesting point. Is the Einst god unique, or are there others like it? In Kyosuke's reality, all Einst were erased from existence, but what of the other dimensions and parallel universes? Are there still Einst roaming the planes?"

"If the Einst god is not unique, what of it, master? You're thinking of some sort of attunement or linking process - I can't exactly express what I have in my head, though."

"Yes. Can two Einst gods share one plane of existence? If they can, and one of them dies, to the other Einst live on, clinging onto the remaining one's existence?"

"I have no answers for you, master. Forgive me."

"Rise, Saaya, there's no need for that. If I wanted all the answers in the world I would have revived a sage spirit or something, but I wanted a companion to remind me that my path is not all souls and ghosts of the past. A bit of ignorance is good, no? It forces us to seek knowledge, to take a closer look at things, and to think for ourselves."

"As you say, master." She moved closer to him.

Jemu sighed, one hand stroking his chin, leaning back into his chair, his other hand stroking Saaya's dark hair as she rested her head in his lap. No one would have guessed her to be living a second life, after the person stroking her hair took her first one. "You are quiet all of a sudden."

"Hmm? Oh, I was just comparing notes with Evang. We've pretty much come to the same conclusion."

"Really, master?"

"Yes. We've both concluded that we'll need the late Captain Daitetsu's aid."

"... You've lost me there, master."

"Simple, really. Because of so many unknowns, we've concluded that the best way to keep Excellen's little girl alive is to warp to that point in space-time in her reality where they are about to finish the biggest piece of Einst ever seen. We deploy all troops we have, and make sure that we don't get attacked by Earth's greatest defenders. That's where Captain Daitetsu comes in, to calm down and confuse people so we can do our part. Seriously, you'd think the sight of people you killed in the previous stage deploying as neutrals would stop people short, but you never know. Once we've convinced them not to fire on us, especially at the Soulgain, Lemon's Ash Saviour, and Echidna's Raz Angriff, the real mess starts."

"We then proceed to blast away chunks of the monster and leave a teeny portion behind, small enough for our sorcery and the SpaceBar's Improbability Field to affect it. The goal is to render the Regisseur into a harmless form that the Einst can still anchor their fragile lives on, neutralizing the threat and keeping Alchimie alive. Any questions?" Evang asked the assembly before him. "Yes, Ouka?

"Shouldn't me coming back from the dead be enough proof that we're not bad guys?"

"Well, some of the real hard case, like Katina, Rai, and Kai, for example, might just claim that you're an evil Einst creation, specifically created so as to render the Twin Birds and half of the Dancing Fairies reluctant to fight. No offense meant, dear girl, but they just don't know you that well, unlike good old Captain Daitetsu."

"I see your point."

"Any other questions? Yes, Kaji."

"You're not thinking of turning the monster into some sort of embryonic form and sticking it into someone's palm, now, would you?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course not! That'll be like causing the Fourth Impact in space!" Evang claimed vehemently.

"And in space, no one can hear you explode," Saaya deadpanned.

Jemu chuckled at Saaya's comment. Evang did as well, after he re-ran what she said. "No, really, a form to stick into someone's hand? Impossible."

Kaji relaxed.

"We'll shrink it to the size of a young boy, and raise him here in the SpaceBar! It's genius! Bloody genius!"

"But what if," Lemon asked, "The moment we warp out of Excellen-nee-san's reality, the Einst take it the same ways as their deity dying?"

That brought Evang and Jemu up short. Sariko saved their butts. "Simple. We just leave the Regisseur in its inert form to be raised by humans. Hell, let Kyosuke and Excellen raise the boy - I can see it now, Kyosuke taking the boy aside and telling him not to behave in the way their 'mother' does, the same way 'mother' is trying to teach his 'sister.' Not really dysfunctional, all in all."

Axel raised his hand. "So, what do you need us in our mecha for? The way I see it, we can just stop them from making the killing blow, and have you foul sorcerors do your things - unless Beowulf and the others suck that much that we need to carve it up some more."

"Think about it, Axel - you're the head honcho of an elite corp of dimesnion jumping soldiers. You're in contact with all of your men, and you're about to be handed your ass on a platter - wouldn't you summon as much meat shields as you can to buy yourself time to recover, or just call everyone in and order them to fight to the last?"

"I see. Beowulf's forces should be pretty much drained by then, wouldn't you say? We're supposed to fend off last-ditch efforts?"

"Yup. Plus, a few more powerful wills might be needed to be channeled through the SRX in order to make things happen - and yours is definitely top-notch, Mr. Almar."

Axel preened at the compliment. Finally, respect! "I agree. This plan doesn't sound too foolish, then - it'll allow me to develop new techs for use on Beowulf the next time opportunity presents itself."

"You mean to kill him, then?"

"Perhaps. Then again perhaps not - a rival is a useful gauge of one's own skill. Running at the head of the pack, and all those sayings."

"I understand, perfectly, Axel." Evang swept his gaze over the group. "How goes training, Shiratori-san?"

"I almost got killed by Miss Allster, Sub-Commander," Tsukumo said, sounding almost pleased.

"I'm sorry - I didn't know what came over me, I swear," Fllay wailed. Ouka patted her head.

"She sort of went berserk after seeing his barrier deflect her Aile Strike's rifle shots. She threw her rifle aside, pulled out two knives, and went nuts," Ayame reported. "She only calmed down when Shiratori-san started teleporting and I fired a glancing hit at her."

"Sorry..."

"Don't be, Ms. Allster. Do you know, very few things have caused me to Boson Jump while inside my Daitetsujin - and you are now officially one of them. I'm giving you a compliment, by the way."

"You must have impressed him but good, miss! He never compliments me, even when I come within an inch of kicking his ass! Congratulations!" Gai exclaimed, clapping his hands.

A round of applause went up, and congratulations were offered to the pink-haired girl known to many as the Evil Girlfriend. Not the Girlfriend From Hell, mind you - that title officially belongs to a certain Japanese-German Evangelion pilot, whose favorite pastime was lashing at her fellow pilots with her sharp, agile tongue.

Who, in another twisted reality (twisted being defined here as visited by the SpaceBar once and ruined forever), was being subjected to a tongue lashing of a more pleasurable sort by her perverted idiot boyfriend AND his sister/aunt/whatever. Yum.

"Alright, the next step is to make contact with Captain Daitetsu and see if he agrees to help us. You know what to expect - you all went through the same ritual, and depending on your answers were awarded with the benefits you enjoy now. This war meeting is officially over, but who wants to stay and watch me play ghost talker?"

The Better Team declined his offer. "I've got a movie marathon for these two, which will hopefully convince them that there are other anime worth seeing aside from mecha," Kaji said, flashing a couple of titles at Evang, who recognized the titles "La Blue Girl and Lady Blue Compilation" and "Futari Ecchi Collector's Edition" and grinned.

"Excellent choice, Kaji. Good luck!"

The others drifted away, citing things they have to do. Shiratori asked for an area in the SpaceBar where time flowed differently. "It's to get the most training in the shortest time elapsed outside of such an area."

"The DBZ training effect, huh? I'll run a search for such an area - although I might not let you use it," Jemu warned. "Those things are OK in a location where time and space are stable enough to handle humanoids moving at Mach speeds - the SpaceBar isn't one, especially with 1/3 of our bulk accomodating Tangram. Such locations might turn out to be extremely dangerous, and I'll not lose one of my residents to one."

"I see."

"In your opinion, Shiratori-san, will your students do well if they are thrust into sudden confrontation?"

"I hope that it will not come to that, Commander - as their trainer, I am bound to stand alongside them in combat, to ensure they make it through and learn. I fear that you will have a decrease in firepower on the frontlines, sir, as I am not willing to send them into the frontlines. Besides, we still do not know how unpredictable Ms. Allster's berserker can be - against just me, it is tolerable, but against multiple enemies..."

"I understand your concern. We-" Whatever Jemu wanted to say was interrupted by the lights going out, everything turning black. "What the hell?"

BOS' voice burst out of the intercom, "Tangram got spooked and warped away with 1/3 of our bulk, Commander. Damn! I didn't see this coming!"

"Hopefully, the Einst party we slew last time had no chance to relay our location to their buddies - we still don't know why they were after Ouka. 1/3 of our mass gone, huh? I wonder how we'll fare if we were attacked just now."

"I sincerely hope that does not come to pass, Commander Jemu."

Of course, things were never going to be easy with the SpaceBar - it seemed to operate 24-7 on Improbability, unanswered prayers, and Murphy's Law. An alarm klaxon just went off, sounding rather urgent. Tsukumo and Jemu started running.

"Shit's hit the fan, Tsukumo." Activating his station-wide communicator - being a techno-fiend apprentice was not without its perks - he spoke, "This is Station Commander Jemu to all hands - we've just been downsized, and are about to be hit by a hostile takeover. All pilots, full-term and probationary, go to yellow alert status and prepare for combat. Regular pilots save for the Better Team are requested to deploy hot, weapons free. Better Team, Strike Gundam, and Redfalken on standby status. Let's kick some ass, people!" Switching it off, he asked, "BOS, situation report."

"We have multiple Katoki-class signatures approaching us at high speed, sir. We don't know who sent them, whether they came of their pilots' free will, or where they came from. My guess is they were after Tangram."

The two parted ways, Tsukumo heading for the hangar, Jemu teleporting to the Main Lounge, surprised to see it already in battle mode. Evang looked up and waved him over. "Take a look at this," he smiled grimly. "We're not facing a VR strike squad - it's a friggin' army of the monsters."

"Have you tried telling them that Tangram isn't here anymore?" Jemu asked, watching the pilots take defensive positions in the tactical display.

"I've had BOS try to relay that fact to the unmanned machines - yes, they're unmanned, BOS assured me - and their controllers, but to no avail."

"Huh. What are the odds we're facing?"

"Well, let's see - we've got Natarle, Nicol, Ouka, Axel, Echidna, and Lemon and... that's it. There's about 3 of each 2nd generation VR that we can identify from our databases, but I don't see anything that resembles Ajim. All in all, I'd say, we're screwed."

"Great." Doing some quick mental calculations, he arrived at a figure that concurred with what his twin had said. They _were _screwed. "I ain't no Beowulf, for cripe's sake, I just want to play wish-granter, and this crap happens. Base defenses? Superweapons?"

"We've lost a good chunk of our weapons, and the sudden power surge has knocked off our superweapons as well. They're back to charging at 0.9 complete and counting," Sariko informed him.

"Blast," Jemu muttered, then was dumbstruck as he took in the racy rendition of a bridge bunny uniform that Sariko had on. "Nani?!!?"

"Stop ogling my wife, dumbass, or I'll start ogling yours."

Jemu took his gaze off his 'sister-in-law' and felt his jaw hit the floor ("Ouch.") when his eyes fell on his wife, who was wearing a similar, provocative bridge bunny outfit. "How long- since when- you know what I mean."

"Oh? Ah, probably while you were talking with Shiratori down there. I couldn't explain it myself."

"So," Jemu did some quick time accounting, "you've been leering at my wife and yours in their immoral outfits for the past five to ten minutes."

'ACK! BUSTED!' Evang thought. "No, no, I wasn't!"

"We share surface thoughts, moron. You might want to remember that. So, you think, my babe is hot, huh?"

"Yeah, but mine's hotter!"

"Boys! We have a situation out there, and much as we appreciate you going at loggerheads at each other over our qualities, now is simply NOT the time for that," Sariko reminded them, sounding like a prim, spinster schoolteacher. Quite a feat, considering what she was wearing. Her words were still effective though.

"She's right, jackass. I'm going over the top in my true form - I'll need you to cast the release spell, unfortunately. I assume you're not going to let me hog all the kills?" Evang smirked.

"Damn straight, fool. I just need to reach through the mists for a unit that has been either heroically or needlessly destroyed, plus a few extra souls, and we can do your unsealing." Neither man wanted to say it, but not one of them was willing to let the other ogle his wife any more than was necessary.

"So go start your fishing game."

"Ok," Jemu said, cracking his knuckles and doing some stretches. Beginning to chant, he sent his consciousness out to the Mechaverse Boneyard, letting his need shine through.

Evang, noting his twin's pre-occupation, thought of sneaking another glance at the appetizing bridge bunnies, but the hairs lifting at the back of his neck persuaded him not to do so. Deciding to make good use of his time, he began to sing the first verses of the Song of Seething, the vocal component to the Ritual of Desperation.

The author would like to take this time to elaborate some more on the situation currently facing the SpaceBar.

The SpaceBar warped into this strange yet beautiful dimension (if daily monster attacks and invasion attempts could be considered beautiful) as nine habitation modules shaped as cubes one-half kilometer long, wide, and tall. These cubes were arranged in a 3x3 pattern, forming a land area that, viewed from the outside, covered 2.25 square kilometers. 500 meters was not very tall - meaning a sufficiently powerful blast inside the SpaceBar could theoretically blow a hole on two sides of the station.

It's best to think of the SpaceBar as a pizza box for one person. As the modules were arranged in a neat square, Jemu and Evang took it on themselves to plant the Main Lounge smack dab in the middle of the configuration, and to house Tangram in three modules in a corner. With the bastard hopping away, our pizza box now looks like someone torched an L-shaped portion out of the box.

All of a sudden, the SpaceBar had now had more personality to it. It now looked vibrant, edgy, it rocked - it wasn't a square anymore.

Of course, there's now the problem of hammerspace leaking out and a ruptured Improbability field - in addition to an attacking army of Virtuaroids.

Now, back to the story.

"_There's 33 of them, and only a handful of us. At least the "weather's" cooperating - no frackin' ion storm to deal with," _thought Jemu. _"Ah well, only one thing left to do in cases like these..."_

"We have hostiles coming in from all directions," Sariko announced. "All units in standby, proceed to deploy!"

"We have sub-light propulsion online. Dropping bulkheads to stabilize IP field," Saaya announced.

"Attention all units - your priority is taking out the Grys-Vok units - those missile mechs have three nukes apiece, so if you pop one, you can pretty much say goodbye to any bad guys near it - assuming you can scoot away or tank the explosion," Evang advised. "Strike, Redfalken, you will play a defensive role. Shoot down any explosive ordinance that you can spot, as well as any targets of opportunity. Better Team, do not, I repeat, do not let those Dordrays make landfall on the SpaceBar's outer hull." Inwardly, he cursed. How long was Jemu going to take, summoning help? He was supposed to be out there already, drawing enemy attention and enemy fire in his assumed form, letting Axel and the others finish the job. Instead, he was stuck in, orchestrating the defense.

_"Nothing left to do but to cheat," _Jemu thought, foregoing the customary Rites of Acceptance, and going pure soul summoning instead. "If there be hungry shades about, let the Reaper's Scythe keep them at bay. If there be trickster spirits, let the Reaper's Scythe serve as warning!" Jemu's scythe, which was more of a focus for his spell-casting rather than a weapon (although it _is _highly effective), materialized in mid-air in front of him.

"This is a ritual contract, writ in blood as in days of old! Fu-Ru Muru, Knight of Gau-Ra Furia, I summon thee! Your strength for taste of life anew! Appear before me, and honor this exchange! Blood for might, might for life, life for time on the mortal coil - answer or begone!" The scythe glowed, a pale red light emanating from it, and it slowly began to spin like a pinwheel. Jemu pulled back his sleeves, exposing his bare arms beneath his bartender's shirt, and stretched them out toward the spinning scythe.

_"This is it,"_ Evang thought, watching his twin's arms closely. If blood flowed from Jemu's arms, it meant Fu-Ru Muru heard and accepted the summons. Suddenly, there was a shudder, and another, and yet another, causing the lights to go out, and the auxiliary lighting to come on, tinting everything inside the Main Lounge in red. "The hell is going on? Axel? Natarle?"

"You're own your own, man - three of those Dordrays just hit your roof, and unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, they're growing," Axel replied.

"I can use a miracle here - the Dominion is sustaining massive damage," Natarle yelled.

"Screw this! Sariko, love, be a dear and orchestrate the battle for me. I'm going over the top - and if my brother leers at you, feel free to slash him. Not too hard, though - we might still need him."

"It's over," Jemu whispered weakly, yet still managed to be heard by the other three people in the room. He fell to his knees, then forward onto his face. He did not move. Saaya made to rush to his side, but was brought up short. "You!" she gasped.

"Hmm? Oh, don't look at me like that, _I _didn't do _that_ to him. Unless he was weak and attempted to summon someone as strong as me, well, that's the risk he took," said the newcomer, a woman with blue-green hair commented. "So, I'm supposed to fight for him?" A shudder rocked the Main Lounge, causing the three SpaceBar denizens to lose their footing. The newcomer remained standing, unfazed. "I guess it's for you guys now, huh? Do you have anything for me to use?"

Evang recovered first. "Fu-Ru Muru, I presume?" he asked, extending his hand. When she took it and grasped it firmly, he continued, "I am Evang, second-in-command of this glorious hovel, which is currently under siege by unmanned killing machines. Let me escort you to where we keep the weapons." Muttering a single command under his breath, they were gone from the Main Lounge and in the partly ruined hangar. "I believe your weapon of choice is a Laftkranz, correct?"

"You have one?" came the pragmatic reply.

"It should be here... ah! Eureka!" Evang exclaimed, as the balls of light he sent out floated over a pile of fallen pylons. "I apologize for your weapon arriving in this condition. If I could clear your way to the cockpit, would you be able to work?"

"Definitely. I'll just warp directly into the battlefield. Do your thing, then."

Evang channeled electromagnetic energy (those physics books _were _worth reading through, and the knowledge they had sure came handy now), flinging the fallen girders away from the prone Laftkranz. As soon as the last one was flung away, Fu-Ru broke out in a run, dashing across the hangar and leaping into the cockpit in record time. After closing the hatch, the mecha's eyes gleamed, and it struggled to a standing position.

"I could also jumpstart your Orgone Extractor -"

"You've done enough, thank you. Any more and you'd make my job too easy, and that could get me in trouble with my contract."

"I see. Well, once you do get into the battlefield, assist the battleship Dominion first, then swing back to help the others."

"Understood." With a green flash and a strange tearing sound, Fu-Ru and her Laftkranz left.

"I guess that's my cue to go up as well and keep those Dordrays from stomping us to oblivion." Tapping into the remaining mana he had gathered in himself, he let all the energy batter his seals loose, and roared. "_JARATAN!!!"_

Axel smiled grimly as his Soulgain's fist smashed through the chest of an attacking Temjin. "_The buggers were really getting on my nerves, as though they were adapting gradually to my attacks"_, he thought. He caught a tonfa-waving Apharmd with his other fist, and then sent them in a Genbu Goudan against a Raiden that had stupidly attempted to bash him with its bazooka. The resulting explosion was satisfying.

Three warning beeps caught his attention. He had been trying to get close to the missile-packing Grys-Voks, but they had an elite cadre of sword, tonfa, and bazooka-wielding meat shields keeping them from completing his objective. Now it seemed the Grys-Voks had noticed their situation - the three warning beeps meant that they had fired.

"Tactical nukes, eh? Wow, you mean I rate a nuclear warhead, actually three? I'm flattered, really - but there's no way I'm getting hit by those!" Axel bit out as he maneuvered, heading for the Redfalken, Rapiecage, and the Launcher Strike. Plowing through the Cypher units harassing the three women like they weren't there, he called out, "Oi, ladies, I got some trick shooting for you to do."

"A fair trade, is it not?" Ayame asked her companions. To indicate their assent, they each raised their rather long, two-handed guns and fired a round each, causing the nukes to explode. The resulting blasts knocked away six ice dragons that were about to make a meal out of Echidna's Laz Angriff. Grateful for the distraction, Echidna quickly took advantage of the glare and set the the targeting computer to take out the three best targets with its F-Solid Cannon, and fired off her last Phalanx Missiles as well. "Dragon summoners, destroyed. Heading back for resupply." She maneuvered her way around Lemon and her Ash Savior, who was trading bit-based weaponry with three Bal-Series units. It was apparent that Lemon was winning - she could cut down incoming ERLs, while her three enemies couldn't.

Echidna was heading for the Dominion when she saw a green flash in front of her, resolving into a white unit not unlike a medieval Huckebein. "Identify yourself," she managed to call out to it using all frequencies when she recovered.

"Fu-Ru Muru. I was hired to help, and my primary orders are to aid the battleship Dominion. Which one is it?"

"What do you mean, 'which one?' I don't comprehend the need for specification."

"Silly, there are two battleships on my radar - one surrounded by lots of small units, and the other one is doing a good job of camouflaging as part of the base, firing all guns at those giant drill-wielding mecha. Which one is the Dominion?"

"Camouflaging? Oh, the Dominion is that black ship on the other side of the station, away from the giant drill mecha. But that means - where did that ship come from?"

_"_That's the Dominion, huh? It sure looks beat up. Later!" Another green flash, and in an instant the woman called Fu-Ru Muru was standing in front of the Dominion's bridge. "Lemon-sama!"

"I saw that, Eki-chan. Hmm, our newest ally can do subspace jumps. Interesting. And we have a second battleship ally as well. Has anyone discovered who is commanding the Shirogane?"

"That would be me," a white bearded veteran answered, a pipe between clenched teeth. "Captain Daitetsu Minase, at your service." He turned aside to yell, "Better Team, dock with the Shirogane! I'll buy you some time - good job with one of those giant drill-arms, by the way."

"You heard the Captain! Open the Gate!" Kaji called out to his partners.

"Gate Out!" Tsukumo yelled, giving the go-ahead for the individual Better Machines to disengage and head for the safety of the Shirogane.

"Cover them, Shirogane!" Daitetsu yelled.

"ROGER," came the robotic reply. A barrage of grenades flew at the remaining pair of giant Dordrays, exploding in bright flashes and scattering sparkly, shiny chaff in the area. It was followed by missiles, artillery shells and force blasts raining down on the two. Three Apharmd-type units, geared for ranged battles unlike their tonfa-wielding cousins, were lining up their anti-heavy armor lasers when Shirogane noticed the energy build up and sent them scattering with its close-in weapons systems: more vulcan turrets per square meter than anything seen before.

The three Better Machines entered the Shirogane's bay, just as a huge four-armed titan of steel materialized close to the still stunned Dordrays. "Come on, you dork-assed punks, let's _dance!_" Utilizing all four of his arms, Evang grabbed each enemy by an arm and jumped away from the SpaceBar's surface. Using the momentum, he spun in mid-space and hurled his victims a couple of incoming tactical nukes that Axel was running away from. He whiffed one, but one of the Dordrays took a nuke to the groin area and was blown to bits. "Get offa my lawn, punk!" he hooted.

"Hey, get this nuke off my tail!" Axel called out, "Anyone!" Agni, O. O. Launcher, and Oxtongue Rifle fire lanced toward the Soulgain, missing the nuclear weapon. "Hit the nuke! The NUKE, not me!" A blazing shell came out from impossibly far away and destroyed the persistent missile, sending Axel flying uncontrollably. "Thanks, whoever that was who probably has a grudge against me!"

Jemu coughed himself awake, immediately drawing Saaya's attention. "Situation?" he rasped.

"We're holding on, somehow, thanks to the Fury woman and the Shirogane. Was that really necessary?" Saaya asked.

"Which one?"

"The Shirogane. It's what caused you to swim in your own blood, isn't it?"

"Totally necessary. Anti-anime battle doctrine dictates that taking out an enemy battleship will cut down allied losses tremendously, and may even affect battle performance for both sides. Besides, Natarle, for all her faults, is someone I've given a second crack at life, and I'd rather not see that chance wasted."

"So, the Shirogane is to take pressure off the Dominion? That's all?"

"No, there are other reasons for bringing the Shirogane back, but none of them matter if we don't survive this battle." With that, he made to stand, and with Saaya's help, got to his feet.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, necro," Sariko greeted him. "Kinda funny to say that to one such as you."

"I should be used to hearing it, given how many times I've actually been on the brink, over, and back. Thanks, anyway." Jemu winced, closing his eyes. "Damn, all that lost blood has made me pathetic and weak. Where's my clone?"

"He's out fighting - assuming he's that huge, four-armed monster tossing VRs like rag dolls," Sariko replied.

"Too bad there's no gravity and turf to cause damage, aside from disruption. Still effective, though," Jemu noted. "The battle seems to be turning, now that we don't have to worry about the nukes. Plus, with the Laftkranz' limited ability to stop time, this battle is pretty much over. All we have to do now is hang on and let Fu-Ru do her stasis tricks."

"Ah, sorry to burst your bubble, but my Stasis Generator is overheating - let me give it a rest, ok?" Fu-Ru radioed in.

Sariko's jaw dropped. Jemu smiled ruefully. "I guess I really have to get out there."

"You don't have a unit to deploy in, remember? And you've lost too much blood to attempt another summon," Saaya reminded him.

"That's alright," Jemu answered, his eyes turning glassy, a sure sign that he was pulling off another _deus ex machina _spell. He slowly faded from view, literally, first turning pale, skin, clothes and all, then transparent, all the way till gone, much to the horror of the women inside the room.

"What the hell was that?" Sariko demanded, still not yet recovered from her earlier shock.

"He's still alive - I can feel his presence through our bond, yet, it's somewhat garbled," Saaya said.

_"Evang, let me in."_

Evang, in _Jaratan_ avatar, paused upon hearing the voice in his head, causing him to take free hits from the giant Dordrays he was fighting. "What the hell? Jemu? What are you doing in my head?" he thought.

_"I'm doing another _deus ex machina_ thing. Here's how it goes - you let my soul in your avatar body, and you get my blasting powers. How about it - sounds good?"_

"What makes you think I don't have blasting powers of my own in this form?" he thought back, kicking away one of his opponents and hurling the other one after it.

_"Are you kidding me? I know it's taking all your energy to sustain a form that isn't adversely affected by the cold emptiness of space. You don't have any to spare on energy punches, much less ranged blasts."_

"You've got a point there - and just tossing these bozos around is just tiring me and not doing any real damage." Evang swatted away a couple of giant drills, sending them back to their owners.

_"I see you've realized that - so what will it be?"_

"Just like Shinobu always says, "_Yatte yaru ze!_ _Warera no chikara o misete yare!_" Evang cried out.

What appeared to be sickly green plasma began oozing out of the _Jaratan. _Its eyes took on a the same green shade, while its body became a gruesome palette of broken bone and gore. Its features and limbs took a more skeletal semblance, morphing away from the clean, mechanical lines of its previous form. As a last testament to the horrific transformation happening to the avatar, the machine's jaw cracked open, frozen in a perpetual snarl, something white and wispy dripping from its teeth, only to fade into view and reform. It was as if it had gorged on white souls, and remnants of its meal still were still evident. An aura similar to gray flames appeared around the hands of its upper arms. A red glow covered the other left hand, and the hand opposite glowed green, both hands being wrapped in a globe of unholy light.

_"The merging is complete. I feel a power overwhelming me," _Jemu - or was it Evang? - thought. _"What's going on? What happened to... us?"_

Even without the Laftkranz' aid, time seemed to pause, as though the universe itself was taking a moment to recover from the grisly transfiguration.

_"Stop thinking like that - it's driving me - us? - insane. Argh!"_

Then, with a roar that sounded like it came from a hundred tormented souls, the _Jaratan _poured its fury onto the Dordrays, who had, according to their battle program, retreated a bit to analyze the target before re-engaging it. Green streams of light arced from one hand, striking both giant robots, while the orb on the opposite hand flared up, a reddish haze surrounding the giant drillers. Bluish-white energy hammered the VRs from the other pair of hands, a huge blast and several small ones ripping holes in and through their armor, over and over until both units went silent. Their shattered remains floated in space, perforated by dozens of ghostly lances.

'Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Uh!' Evang thought. 'Hey, I'm not hearing echoing thoughts anymore.'

_"The fusion must be starting to fade - and could you be not so trigger-happy with the spells? I'm still reeling from all that energy you had me manipulate."_

'Sorry.'

_"I don't even want to know how the Dis Astranagant handles it - and using souls as power sources rather than actual attacks is much more demanding!"_

_"_Fusion's fading, huh? I guess we don't have much time - do you have some sort of cheap, cheesy melee attack we can use?"

_"Green ghostlight daggers - and the spirit shrapnel gun, if you really need it."_

'Cool,' Evang thought. Scanning the radar display, he noted, "We made, it, somehow. The Better Robo is back on track, the battleships are holding up, and our trainee pilots are cool under fire - oh wait, crap, Fllay has found time to equip the Zankantou Pack."

_"That can't be good - what's left of the opposition?"_

'Well, Axel almost single-handedly took out the Temjins, tonfa-type Apharmds, and Raidens gurading the Grys-Voks, as well as the Cyphers doing high-speed harassment. Lemon bested the bit-throwers, Echidna took out those cheesy dragon-biatches, Fu Ru saved Natarle's butt from those Evangelion wannabes. The Dordrays are done for, so that leaves the missile boats, gun Apharmds, and those frilly sailor girl robots that haven't been hit once in this battle.'

_"Damn, those biatches are fast! Let's take them out, fast! We could still lose a pilot to that remaining bunch!"_

"Roger that! WA-HOOO!!!" Evang whooped as he sent the _Jaratan _streaking toward the remaining enemies.

To make a long story short, the nine remaining VRs were massacred, with no chance of resisting, thanks to Fu Ru's stasis generator. The Fei Yen Knights were slain in that brief wrinkle in time, never getting to showcase their Emotional mode, where they turn golden, ending up looking like a bad Sailor Moon / G Gundam crossover. Their missile-packing buddies got owned horribly as well.

THE AFTERMATH - SpaceBar Main Lounge, Civilian Mode

"So, Fu Ru, will you be hanging around our humble station, or do you have plans to be somewhere else?" Saaya asked the female knight.

"I don't have anywhere to go, do I? To my friends, family, and acquaintances, I am dead." She shrugged. "They remember me as one who fell honorably in battle, fighting for what I believed in. Wouldn't my coming back to them make a lie of that? If it is alright, I'd like to stay here."

"Just as well - the necromantic bargain you sealed won't allow you to exist long away from the SpaceBar," Sariko said, joining the two on the bar. "A vodka-7, please, barkeep."

"Drink it slowly, honey, don't make the same mistake I did," Evang drawled, placing the drink in front of Sariko.

"I can hold my liquor better than you can, dear," Sariko replied.

"Yeah, that's not fair, in my thinking."

"It proves the superiority of the fairer sex, nothing more, nothing less," Sariko retorted sweetly.

"I'll drink to that," Fu Ru said, raising her glass of OJ.

"Me too," Saaya added, raising her Bloody Mary, "Cheers!"

Glasses clinked. Evang shook his head in mock misery.

"Nekketsu-san?"

"Ah, Kanchou Minase. Join me for a drink?"

"Is that sake?"

"Of course. The best from our stores," Jemu replied, thinking, 'Miraculously, the food and drink functions seem to be undamaged. What other mysteries does this vessel hold?'

"Don't mind if I do, then." Taking a swig, Daitetsu said "Ah, sweet. I would like to thank you, sir, for allowing me the chance to experience the joy of good sake after a fierce battle. It is something not there at all in the restful afterlife. All rest, no recreation where I was before you came to me on your knees, coughing blood."

"Bored, were you?"

"To the gills," Daitetsu replied, taking another sip of sake. "I would like to ask about the voice replying to my commands on board the Shirogane, and of the mission you spoke of which you deemed it worth risking your life to request assistance from me."

"That voice accompanying you inside the Shirogane _IS _Shirogane itself. The will of the ship, aptly named, a spirit of steel. A ghost in the machine - one that knew you well, and was willing to awaken because of your good relation with it when you were working together. It remembers you fondly, and in time will reminisce with you."

"I can see it now: me talking of old times with a disembodied voice, two cups and a jug of sake on the bridge. You know a lot, about ghosts and machines." Sip. "Ah, but this is a good brew. Now, what of this mission?"

Jemu smiled, the alcoholic fumes beginning to relax him. "Have you ever wondered about Kyosuke and Excellen having kids, Kanchou?"

"So, Fujieda-san, Fllay, how was your first taste of combat?" Kaji asked.

"Is this what Kira had to go through every time he fought ZAFT? I swear, my heart is still beating too fast," Fllay replied.

"Actually, it's probably worse - Kira was fighting alone, and you had everyone here for support," Tsukumo mused.

"A child being forced to fight all by himself - that's not right," Ayame added.

"It's one of the reasons I headed the W-Series Bioroid Project - to eliminate the need for child soldiers, even if they're battle geniuses," Lemon said, taking a bite of her salad. Axel grinned at her.

"Until you got sidetracked by a philosophical question and your project took on a totally different shape and form," Axel quipped, leering at Echidna, who seemed to ignore it or didn't notice it. Lemon did, however, and as a result Axel had to bite down a yelp as Lemon's foot connected with his shin.

Kaji noticed the byplay, but opted not to say a word. It reminded him of the way he and a purple-haired goddess used to be. "So, what do we to unwind after this battle? Shall we ask the manager for an _onsen_?"

"_Onsen_? What is that?" Echidna inquired. Kaji's face lit up as he began to expound on one of his favorite subjects. At the end of his impassioned speech, everyone was raring to go have a dip, and made known to Evang their request. Loudly.

"An onsen in the middle of- ah, hell, whatever. Yo, necro-tech guy, did ya hear that? Your tenants want an _onsen_ installed!"

Daitetsu laughed. "You can do that here? Those kids would love it here," he said, referring to the participants of Operation SRW and Operation Plantagenet. He took his umpteenth sip of sake.

"Hey, now, there's a great idea! Okay, you guys want an _onsen_, you'll get one - but you'll have to help me and BOS out. Marking dimensions, laying pipes, tiles, the works, understand?"

"HELL YEAH!!!" Kaji's table chorused.

"What's gotten them so excited?" Fu Ru asked.

"Stick around and you'll see," Sariko said, smiling in anticipation.

"Fufufu. I guess I made the right decision to stay."

"Prepare to be corrupted by humanity, Fu Ru. Will you survive?" Saaya asked, grinning.

"Bring it on!" the Fury Knight laughed.

_The unbelievable adventures of the SpaceBar crew and their borrowed pilots continues in... well, another story by yours truly. Expect more _deus ex machina, _more citrus (lime and possibly lemon), people acting Out Of Character, and the word SpaceBar in the title!_


End file.
